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icebaby88 · Sep 14, 2007, 04:59 AM

I have met a lad, who I thought was similar to me and from a similar background. We started dating about a week ago. I have discovered that he is from a similar background and we share a lot in common. But one major difference is sex. I am an 19 year old virgin. He is a 22 year old who is lets say rather experienced. He says he respects my views and will wait until I feel ready, but he will find it hard. I appreciate he will wait and suggests that maybe there is more to it than just sex. Yet he keeps sending me messages saying he has a high sex drive or he's horny and needs to go for a run, or asks me back to his after a night out. I just feel that even if he does respect me that in his own way he is trying to make me feel bad and in a way pressurising me? Or do you think I'm being paranoid?

All I really want to know is, what is it with lads and sex? I really don't want to get involved in a relationship that revolves around sex, as I would like to feel there is more to it? Does this sound like its heading the just for sex way? I'm scared that ill lose him if I make him wait, as I do like him, but I can't help but wonder if I should be into someone who sounds highly sex mad?

Please can anyone help me, I really need to hear opinions and suggestions for what I could do!

smoothy · Sep 14, 2007, 05:26 AM

Yeah, he is trying to get you into bed... no doubt about it. I'm a 45 year old guy and I remember all too well the mindset of a young guy.

Stay true to what YOU want to do, don't do it because he wants to, only if and when YOU want to.

I'd avoid his place so you won't be alone and subject to his pressure or worse. He will try to make you feel bad, try to pressure you or like I said worse. It doesn't mean he will do that, but the possibility always exists.

If you lose him over making him wait then the odds are you would have lost him anyway. If he respects you he will not constantly pressure you. He might shoot you a subtle hint every so often, but if you hear it several times every time you see time then he is more into getting you into bed, than getting to know you. I'm leaning towards the former since he is pushing you so hard to get into bed after only a week.

I'll bet he will try the old cock, and bull story about blue balls and how its going to make him sick or hurt so bad if he doesn't get off with you. If he tries that one throw him out the front door. It's a total lie. Blue balls is nothing more than a little frustrating and he can take care of himself later when he's alone if his drive is so high.

icebaby88 · Sep 14, 2007, 05:44 AM

I understand all you are saying and really appreciate it thank you. I just cannot work him out, because although he is trying, he said he does respect my views and he finds it difficult because he's not used to it being that way, apaarently at uni you sleep with someone and then get to know them. But he also says to me that he likes the fact I'm innocent and he finds it cute, and that he likes me because I'm a true lady and they are very rare. He is really confusing, yet I still like him!

smoothy · Sep 14, 2007, 06:25 AM

He's sweet talking you... he keeps trying to talk you into bed, he tries to explain how everyone else does it... then he tries to sweet talk you to get you to change your mind. He is trying to appeal to your vanity so to speak.

Be careful with this guy. I know his type well. He's a smooth talker and tries to tell you what you want to hear to get you in bed. He likes the challenge of deflowering a virgin.

Sorry but his pressuring, then his sweet talking is raising all kinds of bells and whistles with me. Saw way too much of this while I was growing up. And I've seen this done to far too many nice women. If he's been banging that many women that's where his mindset is and its not going to be with settling down with a nice woman and raising a family.

icebaby88 · Sep 14, 2007, 07:24 AM

Thanks for you help smoothy, you have been absolutely wonderful!
Maybe I've made a mistake getting involved, and maybe I just need to leave it alone now!
I find it really hard to understand men though. If he wants sex so bad, why would he choose a virgin who is inexperienced, why doesn't he just go for those more experienced type, so at least he could possibly get pleasure from it!
I think it all clicks now, a while ago he said to me that people see him as arrogant and the type to get around, he tried to assure me he wasn't like that and just needed someone like me to make him secure and like him for who he really was.. maybe that was just to prepare me for what I might hear from others. But the thing is I've only ever heard positive things about him and he's been in a few long term relationships that have lasted a while, but maybe those girls are different from me. Plus I guess he won't tell me what he got up to at uni!
I find it so hard to believe that someone can be so deceiving when they appear to be perfect and come from a lovely background and things!
Thanks for your help... I guess its make my mind up time for me now!

excon · Sep 14, 2007, 07:38 AM

Originally Posted by icebaby88

he says he respects my views and will wait until i feel ready, but he will find it hard.

Hello ice:

No doubt he does... ;)

Your guy is no different than ANY guy. YOU wanting him to love YOU, and not just for sex, is no different than ANY other chick.

But at 19, you've held out longer than most. That's pretty good. But, it IS time for you to make up your mind - or not. If you want to, go for it. If you don't - don't.

excon

icebaby88 · Sep 14, 2007, 07:50 AM

excon - you could really help me here... are you saying that what I've said sums up a lot of lads? What is your opinion, I'm really interested. I need help I've never been in a relationship before! Do you think that lads can be obsessed with sex and want it a lot, yet still love the girl for who she is and want to be with her cause he loves her and not just for sex? Please get back on this one, you could really help! =)

smoothy · Sep 14, 2007, 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by icebaby88

thanks for you help smoothy, you have been absolutely wonderful!
maybe ive made a mistake getting involved, and maybe i just need to leave it alone now!
i find it really hard to understand men though. If he wants sex so bad, why would he choose a virgin who is inexperienced, why doesnt he just go for those more experienced type, so at least he could possibly get pleasure from it!
i think it all clicks now, a while ago he said to me that people see him as arrogant and the type to get around, he tried to assure me he wasnt like that and just needed someone like me to make him secure and like him for who he really was..maybe that was just to prepare me for what i might hear from others. but the thing is ive only ever heard positive things about him and hes been in a few long term relationships that have lasted a while, but maybe those girls are different from me. plus i guess he wont tell me what he got upto at uni!
i find it so hard to believe that someone can be so deceiving when they appear to be perfect and come from a lovely background and things!
thanks for your help...i guess its make my mind up time for me now!

Some of these guys that get laid so easy find the challenge of bedding a virgin enticing. These clown look at it as a knotch on their belt. I once had a roommate like that. He broke up his best friends marriage by enticing his wife into bed and eventually got caught. Then he got one of his string of virgin conquests pregnant, she didn't listen to my warning before that happened. They ended up divorced since he never changed.

Personally everyone has a learning curve when they are beginning, so don't worry about that. Its expected. Is an experienced woman better than a virgin in bed... yes... but like I said, the challenge to be the first matters more to these guys. They don't care who they hurt as long as they get laid.

These guys learn to be very persuasive. That's how they get around so frequently with so many people.

I credit you for listening and being willing to see things as they are... not as you wish they were.

excon · Sep 14, 2007, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by icebaby88

do you think that lads can be obsessed with sex and want it alot, yet still love the girl for who she is

Hello again, ice:

Sure! Is that what's happening here?? I don't know. Lot's of girls would think it IS, so they give in, and wait for the phone to ring... Most times, it won't.

Then there's the girl, who turns down a guy, who WOULD call, but won't now. Timing is everything.

You want to get it right the first time. That's wonderful... However, when it comes to relationships, most of us NEVER get it right.

excon

icebaby88 · Sep 14, 2007, 08:16 AM

Thank you to you both. I just need that advice to get to know how lads play around with girls. He obviously has realised I have idea at all so he me wrapped around his little finger. But what he doesn't know is that no one would ever win me round into bed, unless I felt happy and wanted to do that. Maybe I'm being a little too paranoid, maybe he is genuinely a nice guy and loves me who I am and really will wait (but why send me messages saying he is horny and then ask me if I feel uncomfortablr talking about sex) I think I have this guy sussed out, as the title says, I just wanted to hear others advice! But thanks I think the decision is pretty clear in my eyes, he is one to avoid!

smoothy · Sep 14, 2007, 09:51 AM

Well traveled women make better lays, but I find virgins make better wives. You only have to live up to her expectations... not compete against every man she ever knew. Plus they tend to make a more loyal partner.

Keep true to yourself. You will find a guy that appreciates you the way you are, and for who you are.

icebaby88 · Sep 16, 2007, 09:53 AM

I just thought id inform you, and to anyone else who may be reading this thinking that they may be in a similar situation... this guy sent me a text whilst at a party saying "im surrounded by stunning birds, but all i can think of is you" perhaps he is trying to be nice, but to me that is no way of going about it!
ALSO be careful, later this night, I had been out, I had been drinking. When I met up with him he knew that and TRIED to take advantage of me, by saying come back to mine, I refused. So he then text me saying lets have a really dirty conversation... I never replied!
People may think I am naïve as I have never been in a relationship, so they obviously think they can win me round very quickly. But I am not green, I would need jump into bed with anyone!
Another tactic I have discovered is the makign you feel guilty one... he said he liked spending time with me, he sent me a text saying please come to mine, so we can just talk. OK I might be being paranoid, but too me I took this as if he is saying because talking is all you will allow (as I refuse sex)

For those who know players? If this signs that I have picked up on with your help? If so I hope people who read this will learn something from it!

You live and you learn, inexperienced I may be, and slightly hurt by the way he has treated me and what he is trying to do to me, when he seems such a genuinely nice lad, I am now a little more experienced and will hopefully be able to pick up on other players I n the future. But to all women listening to this, go with what your heart tells you, I had doubts about this guy and its proved that these doubts are real! Don't be fooled, if you don't feel safe or comfortable don't make the mistake and think oh it won't hurt if I just sleep with him, YOU WILL REGRET IT!

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 10:01 AM

I think you need to leave this guy alone. He is trying his darndest to get you in bed and is doing by trying to make you jealous. He is more into what's under your dress than you yourself, otherwise he would not be getting it someplace else and then telling you about it.
Leave him, he's not worth it and he's not the one.

americangayboy · Sep 16, 2007, 11:29 AM

If you don't have a sn that implies your gender, could you start your posts by stating your gender? I originally read this post and thought you were a gay guy, which is apparently false. Answers for gays and straight are far different.

I agree with homegirl on this one. He's trying to get you in the sack, and that seems to be it. Also, you think he was trying to take advantage of you (if he were drunk, too, he was probably not actively being a creep). I don't think a relationship can work between you because of that. Whether he tried to take advantage of you is not important, the fact that you think he did (and rightfully so) means there's not enough trust between you.

icebaby88 · Sep 16, 2007, 12:53 PM

If I know he is such bad news, and when I haven't even known him all that long, does the thought of ending it and losing him still really break my heart?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 01:14 PM

I don't know if it breaks your heart or not, only you know that. But you've not known him that long so I don't know why it would. You don't know him.

icebaby88 · Sep 16, 2007, 01:24 PM

I just feel sad that's all!

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 01:34 PM

I'm sure it does, but you will get over it and you will meet someone else and my feel sad again. That's life. You live and learn.
But I'll tell you, you stay a virgin until you are ready and make sure it is with someone who loves and respects you. There are guys out there that will.
I was a virgin until I got married. I was 23. I dated my husband for 4 years. He did not try to make me jealous or feel bad because I would not have sex with him.
We became very good friends in that 4 year time because we knew each other on many levels outside of sex.
You will be fine. He' 's not the only boy out there and you deserve better. Besides you don't want some guy that's been dippin his wick ant and everywhere.
I wish you well.

icebaby88 · Sep 16, 2007, 01:57 PM

Thanks so much for the kind words and good advice. I may be naïve when it comes to relationships, but I respect my body and I'm a true lady. I will not tolerate sex addicts who want nothing but sex! And I hope others will learn from this post!

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 02:13 PM

Don't take it personal. He was not after you, but what's under your dress. Some guys don't see you as a person, but as a vagina. You're a smart girl. There are guys out there that will respect you and the gift that you have. Hang in there young lady.