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Ash123 · Sep 10, 2007, 05:45 PM

First question: What do you want from her?
A relationship? A friendship? Words of validation?

Let me know and I'll give some ideas

VADawg · Sep 10, 2007, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

First question: What do you want from her?
a relationship? a friendship? words of validation?

let me know and i'll give some ideas

Initially I just wanted a friendship because she was really my best friend. All I really want at this point are words of validation. I was left in the dark and hearing this made me feel even worse. I just wish she'd contact me somehow so this can all be settled. I hate being at odds with someone and it's not like I can avoid her... I see her everyday at school.

GlindaofOz · Sep 10, 2007, 06:12 PM

Dawg you are never going to get closure from her. You now at least have the reason and I personally think it's a little bs. If she wanted to be with you she wouldn't let someone else convince her to end a relationship that made her happy and that she wanted to stay in. This girl is a mess (As we've already established) be glad she's gone and find your own peace

Ash123 · Sep 10, 2007, 06:33 PM

If she wants to clear her name, she can right? She has ways to reach you right?
She can leave a message. It seems like you are DEFINITELY on her mind. THAT is validation.
She cares about you and she may make it clearer one day... In fact, NC is working so well I'd ask you this:
If you had the option - would you date again? If you can say no, you may be ready to take a friendly call... and end the standoff.

For now, if you are unsure, wait. Life is short and if you can handle the risk, a day may come when you can let her clear her name and maybe feel better...

But try to hold on for now... And see how you feel by Christmas.

VADawg · Sep 10, 2007, 07:47 PM

I would never date her again... not after all this BS and two breakups. No chance in hell. I don't care how much she changes, it just won't happen. But I would like to be friends with her still. I don't know why, because she did treat me like crap. She was once my best friend and I've never been as close to someone as I was with her. It's just hard losing someone like that and trying to forget about them. I can't stop thinking about her.

This isn't like the first time she broke up with me where I wanted her back as a girlfriend so badly... now I don't. I just want this whole situation to be resolved.

Ash123 · Sep 10, 2007, 09:18 PM

It will be resolved.
Taking your time is helping that.

Her treating you like crap makes you want it all to make sense.

But she has issues and glad you are starting to see it.. but wait a bit and when the time is right
Have a civil conversation to clear the air... and do NOT sleep with her or it's back the start.

Cher13 · Sep 14, 2007, 04:49 PM

I think it depends on your relationship and how it started, if in the beging you started seeing each other a lot and talking more then once a day then I think you should call her everyday cause if you don't she might think somthings wrong, and I'm sure she'd like to talk to you every day even if its only for a min.
But if you guys have always been in a relationship where you don't need or want to talk everyday then its fine not to...
But I know I'd like a call everyday

VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 07:23 PM

This is a follow up on this situation:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-122328.html

She basically broke up with my through myspace and didn't answer the phone. I had no clue what was going on and was prepared to write her out of my life.

Well, this ex just sent me a message on myspace (removed actual message just in case she stumbles upon this place) basically saying that she saw me the other day and that she misses me as a friend because I always cheer her up. She said her dad was not doing well and she needed someone to talk to. That I always cheered her up and she left her phone number.

She even sent me a friend request.

I have no clue what to even do. On one hand, I want to call and see what's going on. On the other hand, she really messed up my head and I was really pissed about this whole situation. What would you guys do in this situation?

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 07:36 PM

Originally Posted by VADawg

This is a follow up on this situation:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-122328.html

She basically broke up with my through myspace and didn't answer the phone. I had no clue what was going on and was prepared to write her out of my life.

Well, this ex just sent me a message on myspace saying this: "hey i saw you the other day driving by...well im sure you don't want to even talk to me ...but i miss having you as a friend b/c you always listened to me...im not ready for a relationship and i wasn't before ...but i need a friend right now...my dad isn't doing good at all i just found out yesterday that he started drinking ..he dosn't look well at all...im scared he might die!! call me when ever you get the chance you always seem to cheer me up ....(her phone number)"

She even sent me a friend request.

I have no clue what to even do. On one hand, I want to call and see what's going on. On the other hand, she really messed up my head and I was really pissed about this whole situation. What would you guys do in this situation?

Strong dilemma. I've found the moral way is the best way. If in your heart you care for her, you should be there for her. However, do this cautiously because she may have just realized she misses you or even worse she may have ended it with another guy and you're a rebound. The other reason could be she may have cut you off because of what happened to her father out of fear you would abandon her (insecurity can be cruel). You must find out how ill her father is. I know it sounds terrible but it is crucial since it could just be an attempt to tug at your heart strings. Be yourself and remain guarded emotionally. Now from the previous post it seems she is a bit of a user.

VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 07:58 PM

The thing is, her father has been alcoholic his entire life and this situation always arose when I did talk to her as a friend and a boyfriend. I'm not sure if she's just using it as an excuse to talk to me now or if it really is happening. It's such a reoccuring problem that I can't even be sure.

I'm asking my family about it and they all think I should just respond to her angrily or not at all. That's just not in my nature. I am one to give people second chances when they screw up; it's just how I am. I want to call her but just not tonight. I need time to think about it.

Should I even respond to this message? She left her number at the end so I think she just wants me to call. I don't know what to do.

For some reason I still do care for her. I know most people would cut somebody off that did this to them, but she was my best friend before this happened. It was just so out of her nature to do this to me. I don't think she was thinking at the time what kind of repercussions would come from it.

I don't know... this is so confusing.

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 08:04 PM

I hate to tell you this man, but considering the family history she has the situation is only going to keep repeating. You have a romantic's heart which is why you are willing to help. Don't lose that but at the same time don't lose yourself. It's great that you aren't cynical and nihilistic. If you must be there for her tell her you are willing to talk to her about it but assert you don't feel like you could be in a relationship with her either. That what she has done to you hasn't been right and that you wish she could have been more of a friend to you, then immediately ask her how she feels about her pops. Remain emotionally guarded. Do not concede anything to her, especially if she says I miss you don't say it back. Be there for a few weeks and once her focus goes away from her father than back off. Also talk to her on the phone or email only. Do not see her just talk to her. Remain distant.

cerisa · Oct 12, 2007, 08:13 PM

She says she needs a friend. Do you want to be her friend? Let her know. If she is angling for more, you need to decide if you are available at her beck and call to cheer her up.

VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 08:19 PM

I understand where you're coming from. I just need to say something to her to make myself feel okay... you know? It'll eat at my conscience.

But about not seeing her in person, we actually go to the same college and I see her almost everyday. If I really wanted to, I would run into her everyday, but I take different routes just to avoid her. These past 2 weeks I've noticed her staring at me from afar. I'm worried she might come up to me and strike up a conversation or something. I don't think I'm ready to see her and talk again like that. I can handle the phone or e-mail... just not face-to-face.

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 08:24 PM

That seals it. I believe she is going to try and get you back. I would remain guarded. Your behaviour does show something interesting though. Guilt is the reason you want to help her. So you aren't doing this for the sake of caring for her or morality but to ease your guilt. That is a near co-dependent behaviour. You have to do it for the right reasons. It's no coincidence that the daughter of an alcoholic would want to be with someone who is overtly giving. Think about it long and hard before you commit these emotions.

VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 08:44 PM

I guess it is kind of that way. Of course I still care for her, but it would be in my head at all times if I don't call her. I need to say something to feel right. So yeah, I guess it is more for me than anything. But I also do want the best for her. She was my best friend at one time, so her well being is important to me.

I don't know if you read my previous posts or not, but she has broken up with me twice before in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Both time she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. I fear she'll try again and I do not want that to happen. Moving forward, I want to be nothing more than a friend.

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 08:47 PM

Yes I did read them. She is more likely to do it again and again. It's a characteristic of children of alcoholics. They say they will change and they don't and they repeat and repeat and repeat. I would be forward and state that you are only willing to be a friend now because she hasn't treated you as good as you deserve.

VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 08:54 PM

Definitely. The relationship the second time went the Same way. We were great for about a month and then she started getting distant. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. I'm not stupid enough to try again because I know it won't work... not to mention she's going into the army in January. So there's no chance anyway.

But it's pretty much determined I will call her. I just have to. Where it will lead I have no idea, but we'll see. Do you think I should wait awhile or just do it tomorrow?

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 08:57 PM

Do it when you have time. Don't put anything to the side for it. Since you aren't getting back with her be emotionally supportive but do not tell her how YOU feel at all in regards to missing her or liking/loving her. She says I feel sad tell her I feel sympathy make a joke or whatever it is you do and talk about how she feels about her dad. Keep on subject.

VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 08:59 PM

So I shouldn't bring up how much she hurt me then? Just be distant about that?

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 09:02 PM

Your call, if you bring it up it might hurt or frustrate her but it will make her realize you aren't for the taking and she will either back off or come harder. If you don't it will make her feel like she may be able to weasel her way into getting you back anyway but she will continue thinking that she can get away with how she acts.