[crushedovernover]

I mean we were engaged before the first split. I just don't know. Im trying to better myself.. All I can do

Your right in a way I'm holding out for her. But I know the day will come and she will want to get back together what the hell do I say or do then. And I know I should live in today and not tomorrow, We both have hurt each other a lot emotinally threw the past few years, I do want her to miss me but you are right I need to move on. If she comes back then I will deal with it then I guess. Its difficult to think of her being with another man. I have so many things I want to say to her but I'm staying strong with the no contact.

[Chery]

It is quite possible that she is confused.

From her view, she sacrificed 'whatever' in her life to relocate and live near you. She gave you a son. She evidently was not happy with your 'income' or she would not have asked you to work two jobs. How did she expect you to split the time you were not working your off - loving her; sharing quality time with your son; oh, don't forget that you also should have had some time to sleep - you know that basic human need...

It sounds to me as if she wants her cake and to eat it too - a good father, more money, a boyfriend on the side to take trips with, etc.

I think your idea of counseling for her is a good one, but how are you going to get her to agree? Oh, and another question.. is she at the very least.. a good mother?

You cannot take her future into your hands - that is something she needs to do herself. BUT.. you can and should make certain that your son does not come out short, whether you get back together or not. That should be your very first priority. If you can live well doing just one job, dump the other one and use the valuable quality time for raising your son as best as you can. He won't get quality from a burned-out, overworked father.

Hope you can get yourself together for YOU and your son..

Maybe she will 'grow up' someday, but don't hold your breath.

Again, good luck.


Choice between here... and Here...

I mean we were engaged before the first split. I just dont know. Im trying to better my self.. All i can do

You are trying to 'better' yourself.. For who, and whose standards are you going by?

How does the neighborhood perceive you as a person and father? What does your family think about all of this. I'm sure that they are not blind or deaf to this, and that they also have expressed some views of their own.

Have you been such a looser in the past that you have to Change to a Whole Completely New Person?

Every couple has arguments, but if this happened throughout most of the relationship with only a few happy instances, what is it that made it all so special?

Try a making a list of all the good times, versus all the lousy times and see which side of that list is larger... It's time to get out of the dream and back to reality.

Reality: she cheated on you; she thinks you are a looser and should work two jobs; she did this to you twice. Ok, now what great thing did she do for you that can make you forget these put-downs forever?

Honey, this too will pass, just stick with us AND plan some quality time with your son.

I have so many things i wanna say to her but im staying strong with the no contact.

Say it here.. or start a diary (journal). Believe me, it helps.

[talaniman]

You summed it up so well Chery, as when you go through that sort of abuse, and still want her back is so not healthy for him, but so natural after a rough history and break up. Heal so you can see things in a clear and honest way.

[crushedovernover]

Things I want to ask

Did you ever love me? Were you ever in love with me?
How can you do this to your brothers best friend? Your twin brothers best friend who past away.
After telling me I was the only one you ever saw yourself being with time and time again then this betrayel..
How many guys do you really think want to be serious with a women with a child. And me to put up with?
What in the hell are you thinking or doing with your life?
Why would you ask me a week before the break to marry you. -- I saved my money for so long and bought tickets for both us to go to italy to propose...
Why are you so heartless to me and cold to me when you cheated on me...
You are so selfish, you say you only think of our son but do you think our son wants his mommy and daddy separated.
You act like your so responsible but you take off for a week to Florida :not seeing your son for a week: not working for the week: and sleeping with a man you claim you met a week prior.
You threw our future away for what you thought in that moment was going to be good thing but I know you will fall and come back but this time I'm not chasing and I will say no. You have hurt me beyond belief and you couldn't say a million sorrys. How can I ever trust you ever again. How can you as a human being with a conscience look me in the face with our dropping a tear because of what you have done to me. Im not just some guy I was a part of your family growing up. I took your virginity when we were young teens. We have so much history Bricania made a volume on us.

Why did you do this. Where do you get off thinking this is OK to do to mem or yourself or even OUR SON you selfish...



Hmm that felt a little better

[Chery]

That's a good start Crush..

Now.. try placing yourself in her shoes and see if you can write down what her answers to these questions would be. Again, you don't have to write it down here, but be honest with yourself and objective, then write it down in a journal.

Remember, we are not seeking to blame anyone, just trying to figure out what went wrong and why you two grew apart, OK..

[crushedovernover]

I just drove into work and she pulled in right behind me to bring our son to the doctors. She doesn't know I seen her but she definitely seen me. I wanted to go over to the doctors office so bad. But I didn't.

Ugh now she is behind my office at her girl friends house. Its driving me crazy I want to confront her but I'm not and won't. I hate how she has this control over my emotions

[Chery]

Crush.. when it comes to your son, don't have false pride get in the way!

You have all the right in the world to ask how your son is doing and if he's healthy. So at least call his grandma to find out how things went today.

Don't give anyone the feeling that you no longer care for him or they will also use this against you if there is a custody battle down the road.

Think ahead.

There will always be occasions when the two of you will have to talk or be in the same room, but for your son, not for her. So please get used to the idea and work on being strong in other ways to protect yourself. Don't show animosity in the presence of your child.

[crushedovernover]

Yeah but she doesn't know I new about the appointment. Half a month ago I called the doctors office and ask when my sons next appointemtn was. She is messing with me by parking where she did. When I pulled in I KNOW SHE SAW ME but I acted like I never even saw her. So for her to park right there it is like she is saying LOOK here I am... She could have parked in the front of her girl friends house where I wouldn't see her car.

Why is it some times threw the day I feel great and others I hit the low point

[Chery]

Yeah but she doesnt know I new about the appointment. Half a month ago I called the doctors office and ask when my sons next appointemtn was. She is messing with me by parking where she did. When I pulled in I KNOW SHE SAW ME but i acted like i never even saw her. So for her to park right there it is like she is saying LOOK here i am... She could of parked in the front of her girl friends house where I wouldnt see her car.

During a break-up, we all do tend to read more into things that what is really there. We question the motives of every action the other does. And.. just because everyone does it does not mean that it's the best thing to do.

So, she is messing with you.. big deal. Stay focused on your priority and let the other crap happen - you can't change her but you can change how you react to circumstances. That's one of the hardest things to do when hurting, but it eventually will bother you less and less.

Why is it some times threw the day I feel great and others i hit the low point

That's why they call it the emotional roller-coaster. You are not, repeat, not the only one going through this. Check on some of the other threads and see what many are experiencing and/or have experienced. Your situation seems bigger to you because you have to live through it and feel it.

Try and work on your list and make some plans for the next 5 days. See what you can come up with.

You will go through many changes from now on. The outcome and destiny is your choice to make.

[crushedovernover]

I know this is wrong to say. But my destiny involves her and my son no matter what I do . So I would rather her and I try to work it out..

[Chery]

Crush, it's not wrong to say what you did. And it's not wrong to wish that you will wind up a happy family some day.

What is wrong in this is to continue to be narrow minded and think that things will not change.

You will be angry at her and you will accuse her of cheating on you.. etc. Both will need professional help to mend scars this great.

In all reality, if she came back tonight.. would you forgive and forget all she did to you emotionally?? Do you seriously think that this will change overnight into a 'live happily ever-after' dream?

Some people managed no contact, reassessment and restructure of their lives where both of the adults grew up - and then got back together 3 or 5 years down the road.

It's not impossible, but it's a long bumpy road and the survivors are the ones that gain. So, admit there is a problem, work on it with a better perspective, and then initiate a mending process. This will of course include the mother of your child - but she also needs time to grow up and put her life in reality first.

No matter how long this takes, I hope it will turn out the way you wish.

[crushedovernover]

Thank you. Those words mean a lot. I know she needs time for reality to set in. I believe when it does she will realize what she has done. I know things won't change over night but all I can do is to continue to better myself and fix the faults that she didn't like. Note I'm fixing them for me for the future because if she didn't like certain things other women might not as well. I Have never gone this long with out speaking to her. I ponder if it has any affect on her. Yes we both need counseling. But both need to be willing to go. I will keep posting here every day for a long long time. I know there is other going threw the same pain but my situation is so different because of who she is to me. I feel strong that I didn't go see her to day. All thought I did watch her get in her car and leave her friends with my son. I know weak, but it was better then confronting Ttyl thanks cherry

[Chery]

No problem, Crush..

You know that we will be here for you, if it's just to talk or give and take advice.

Each one of us is different and we do have different problems. The best is sometimes just to be there and show support.

So, don't worry, your AMHD family will always have a shoulder and ear for you.

[crushedovernover]

I just wonder if she thinks or will ever think she made a mistake..

[talaniman]

I just wonder if she thinks or will ever think she made a mistake..

It is so futile to try and wonder what someone else will do, work on you and taking care of your son, and leave her and her motives alone, or you'll always wonder what she is doing or will do. Save the misery and pain by making plans for what you feel you should be doing, and get out of her head. The bottom line is whether you are a family or not, you two still have a child to raise together. Sorry your going through this, but she has a right to pursue her life without you. Her choice.

[crushedovernover]

Can some one explain the purpose of NC. Can it be used in different ways? My healing, her realizing she miss's me/ Validate all of it uses for me :)

[talaniman]

Can some one explain the purpose of NC. Can it be used in different ways? My healing, her realizing she miss's me/ Validate all of it uses for me :)

No Contact is solely for you to heal and accept that the relationship is over and you can let go of the false hope she will be back. It stops the confusion and chaos, of wishy washy answers, to dumb begging questions by you to the ex and allows the emotional dust to settle so you can see things clearly and make better decisions about yourself and your life. It lets you move on and be healthy and happy without her.

[Chery]

NC also allows you the chance to learn how to STAND ALONE, gain self-respect and continue in the normal growing process of things.

If you constantly wonder what is on someone else's mind you loose contact with yourself. You need to push all other distracting things out of your mind - 'clean house' so to speak - so that you can do some serious renovation.

It is also giving the other individual the opportunity of doing some house cleaning.

Once all of the dusting and cleaning is done, a clearer perspective should be recognized by both and agreed to, no matter if alone or eventually together. That is something nobody can 'see in the cards' this early.

Remember, each step you two take right now is toward a change -this is unavoidable - NOTHING will ever be the same as it was again. HOW you two will change, with or without the old baggage, is up to you.

So.. stop wondering what's on her mind... Sort the stuff that's in your mind right now.

Get to know YOU!

[crushedovernover]

I really don't have all ofthis false hope. Ive acce[ted what she has said to me but in the past she comes back after I chase her and she said she was angry and said those things too hurt me

[crushedovernover]

How do I dal with the thoughts. What exercise if any can I practice . I try to keep busy but at the nights end when I try to go to sleep all I think about is her..