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Cassie33 · Sep 4, 2007, 05:54 AM

I have been dating a 40 year old father of three for 8 months. I am 33. During this time, he included his children into my family and vice versa. We spent a lot of time together but he has never told me that he loves me. He was attentive, passionate, and caring. I always felt that he loved me. He recently started a new job that is about 20 minutes away from my home. Since he started the new job, he does not call, or answer his calls, our sex life has diminished, and he spends less time with me. I expected some of this with the distance and the change but not for a whole month. I have been pressuring him about spending more time with me to no avail. This weekend we finally had it out. He accused me of loving an old boyfriend (which lives out of state). I told him I loved him and his kids and hoped we could build a life together. He told me he did not consider this a long term relationship and that he cared about me but was not in love with me. This absolutely STUNNED me. This man pushed his way into my life and all of his actions and some of his verbalizations relayed love and commitment. Why would he spend 8 months with me if he did not love me? Is this just a response to the pressure or a response to commitment in general or does he not really love me and our dating was just easy when he lived so close by? I feel used, confused, and lied to.

Cassie33 · Sep 4, 2007, 05:58 AM

Does he really mean he is not in love with me?

I have been dating a 40 year old father of three for 8 months. I am 33. During this time, he included his children into my family and vice versa. We spent a lot of time together but he has never told me that he loves me. He was attentive, passionate, and caring. I always felt that he loved me. He recently started a new job that is about 20 minutes away from my home. Since he started the new job, he does not call, or answer his calls, our sex life has diminished, and he spends less time with me. I expected some of this with the distance and the change but not for a whole month. I have been pressuring him about spending more time with me to no avail. This weekend we finally had it out. He accused me of loving an old boyfriend (which lives out of state). I told him I loved him and his kids and hoped we could build a life together. He told me he did not consider this a long term relationship and that he cared about me but was not in love with me. This absolutely STUNNED me. This man pushed his way into my life and all of his actions and some of his verbalizations relayed love and commitment. Why would he spend 8 months with me if he did not love me? Is this just a response to the pressure or a response to commitment in general or does he not really love me and our dating was just easy when he lived so close by? I feel used, confused, and lied to. He them asked if we could be friends and of course, I said no. How should I proceed?

Chery · Sep 4, 2007, 06:13 AM

Hi Cassie..

Unfortunately, what he said is probably true.

It sounds to me as if it was very, very convenient for him to have you around. Now that he has 'broadened' his horizon, it is not necessary for him to stay in the 'comfort zone'. Also, it does not sound as if he is willing to further spend time on nurturing this relationship.

It is hard on all of us to be rejected this way after sacrificing time and emotions, but we cannot force feelings that are not there. At this point the only thing that can be done is to chuck this up to another 'experience'

Friend4u.. has expressed many of our emotional efforts in this category on a thread that helps us all to remember that we are not alone.. I'm sure you can find a little of yourself in there.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...tml#post584224

Hope your journey to healing is not too painful. Keep us updated..

bushg · Sep 4, 2007, 06:19 AM

I would take what he is saying at face value. If you told him that you are not still in love with your ex and he refuse's to believe you, what else can you do but let it go. Why try to second guess him and try to figure out what his problem is. Some people have to make up a reason to get out of a relationship, rather than saying he just does not want to be there for whatever reason. He may be trying to make it your fault, thereby relieving himself of expalining why he really wants out.