[onesadmama]

My 25 year old son has always seemed angry and depressed. As a youth I took him to several counselors and the most I really ever got was, "He dances to his own drummer". I don't remember him ever having a GF except one time when I refused to take him to the mall when he as about 16 & he blamed me for some girl breaking up with him. I have tried to help him whenever I could. I was a single mother and raised him & his sister alone for 21 years. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders (IQ 125) but makes very bad choices and blames me for everything and says, "You think I am a loser". In middle school and high school I had to literally fight to force him out of bed in the morning to go to school. If he stayed home he wouldn't leave his bed. He was on antidepressant but they seemed to do no good. He was finally sent to an alternative school when he was a sophomore because I begged the truancy courts for intervention. The last time I heard from him he had just quit a job my new husband had gotten for him. He moved out and hasn't called, refuses to answer my emails and has had his cell phone disconnected. No mother's day card, no birthday card, nothing. I love him and would at least like to know where he is but I can't get through to him. I have not been able to find anyone who has experienced this type of behavior. I know I am rambling, but please, can anyone help me??

[Bluerose]

onesadmama,

"My 25 year old son has always seemed angry and depressed. As a youth I took him to several counsellors and the most I really ever got was, "He dances to his own drummer". I don't remember him ever having a GF except one time when I refused to take him to the mall when he as about 16 & he blamed me for some girl breaking up with him. I have tried to help him whenever I could. I was a single mother and raised him & his sister alone for 21 years."

A lot of people raise children alone. You should know that that probably is not the reason he is the way he is towards you now.

"He seems to have a good head on his shoulders (IQ 125) but makes very bad choices and blames me for everything and says, "You think I am a loser". In middle school and high school I had to literally fight to force him out of bed in the morning to go to school. If he stayed home he wouldn't leave his bed. He was on antidepressant but they seemed to do no good. He was finally sent to an alternative school when he was a sophomore because I begged the truancy courts for intervention."

All of this may not have been dealt with correctly and now you have an angry young man on your hands. I say give him some space. Allow him to be himself and accept him for who he is.

"The last time I heard from him he had just quit a job my new husband had gotten for him."

He is trying to be independent of you, his mum. No matter how helpful you and your new husband are it only keeps him tied to you. You have to let go.

"He moved out and hasn't called, refuses to answer my emails and has had his cell phone disconnected."

So sorry. This is the most difficult time of all. You need to let go for a while. If you do you will get him back, if you don't you won't. He's a grown man, he may be your son but he is not your little boy anymore.

"No mother's day card, no birthday card, nothing."

Do you always give him cards and present? If so then it's something else. Perhaps he is angry for some old hurt or for just not being allowed to grow up. You need to let go. You see, every time you mention 'no card' he may not show it but he feels like ****. It's just one more thing that he got wrong.

"I love him and would at least like to know where he is but I can't get through to him."

Sorry, but he's twenty five years old. He doesn't have to tell you where he is or where he is going. This is something you will have to accept.

"I have not been able to find anyone who has experienced this type of behavior."

I have. And I believe part of it is anger at you for... 'living' basically. They all go through it some sooner than others. The good news is that you can get him back. But first you are going to have to let go. Keep sending cards with a little cash in each birthday, Christmas etc. but stop the emails and the phone calls. And just tell yourself, "He knows where I am if he wants me."

And finally, if he calls don't go off on one about not seeing enough of him. Be nice. Sound please and surprised.

I hope everything works out. But remember it takes time.

"I know I am rambling, but please, can anyone help me????"

Don't worry about rambling on here - I'm the Rambling Rose.

[firmbeliever]

I agree with Bluerose,
Your son needs time and space away from whatever is bothering him, it maybe you being a single mom expects a lot from him, as you do not wish for him to be alone as you were.

Give him space,it is sometimes normal for men to want space away from their parents more than girls, as they wish to test their independence, even girls sometimes need that freedom.

And about the job your husband got him, it maybe that is the very reason he left it.He just may not be wanting to be attached or dependent on you for everything.Maybe he wishes to be as independent as you were when you brought them up single handedly.

Let him find his path to peace,if he does call try not to pressure him into contacting you or send you cards, if you did pressure him and he sends a card because of that you will know that it is forced.
If out of the blue he reaches out to you by calling or sending a card you will know for sure that it is his heart reaching out to you.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and love yourself, it may not be your fault that he is staying away... :)