[momtofour]

I have to say that when I took my vows on my wedding day I never had any expectation that I would be getting a divorce several years later. I am not really looking for advice, but rather a forum to vent.

I feel completely snowed by the man that I married. He made promises to me and he hasn't kept any of them. I hate the fact that I will soon join the statistics pool for divorces. What is so funny is that I saw the marriage starting to crumble right before my eyes. I did everything to save it, tried communicating well and really listening, but it is hard to listen to someone who has nothing to say. We tried several different marriage couselors through the years and yet, we are still at this point.

I have wonderful children and fortunately a great job, a beautiful home and I worked extremely hard to make a beautiful home for him and his children. I was like a mother to his children for years and I haven't received a phone call from them in almost a year. My husband was married previously and he fought like h*** to get joint custody of his two children and he did. I had to take him to court to get a custoday arrangement to see our children because he failed to make a regular committement to seeing them. What really hurts me (because it really hurts my children) is that he didn't fight at all for them. He sees them one day a week and for a few hours every other weekend. I can't tell you how I bleed for children knowing that their father doesn't care as much about them as he does his other two girls.

I feel so idiotic knowing that I made such a huge mistake because now I brought two wonderful little children into the world and they have such a loser for a father. How will I ever explain to them that their father didn't want them but that his other two children live with him.

[Foxy459459]

Here's the thing, you don't explain anything to them, they will figure it out on there own. Kids are so inncent don't put them in the middle of any of this. I know how you feel when it comes to that situation. My sons father is a lose and does nothing for him. Nicholas just turned 7 and he is starting to relize what his father is all about. Your children will respect you more in the long run. Its not your fault your marriage fell apart. Don't blame yourself. And don't live in regret. There are no mistakes, just bad choices. The only problem is that you never know if the choice you make sometimes is the right or wrong choice. People mess up all the time. Don't beat the hell out of yourself over it. You and your kids don't need him. As long as they have there mother they will be just fine. Now its time to do you. Start making yourself feel better. Because if your depressed and upset all the time your kids are going to sense that and belike that as well. Be good to you, and good luck with everything. Focus all your energy on your little ones, because I know when I'm having a horrable day the only one that can lift my spirts is my son. Take care hun.

Jen Fox

[shygrneyzs]

First of all, you cannot own his responsibilities as a Father and you are not at fault for his lack of commitment to his children and his marriage. You say you have worked as hard as you know how to keep the marriage going - but you know it takes two. Since he does not follow through or make attempts to make anything better, you cannot take over for him and do for him what he refuses to do for himself. You just cannot. That is the best way to totally burn out and become so bitter and disillusioned that walking out the door with just the clothes on your back sounds pretty darn good.

So you are NOT an idiot. Who honestly takes their marriage vows with the thought in their head that, "hey, I can divorce this chump tomorrow if it does not turn out right."
You believed in him and you believed in the relationship.

The best investment you can make now is in yourself. List all the good things about yourself. List the positive things in the marriage. List the negative. Define the cost - financial and emotional - of leaving and living on your own. Then you decide what freedom is worth. It is not easy, I know that. I made that decision eight years ago and it was the hardest one I ever made. Actually took me years to come to that decision but once it was made, took me less than two weeks to make my plans and act on them.

Continue to go to a counselor - for your own mental health needs. You need to hear that you are a good person but not in a good situation. You cannot change your husband so you need to concentrate on yourself and your children.

I truly wish you all the best. As difficult as life gets, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take care and God bless.

[contestingwife]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.