[Edensmimi]

I hate to "air dirty laundry" so to speak but I don't have anyone else to ask for an unbiased opinion. I have been married to good man for over 2 years now. The problem is prior to us being married and while we were still dating he cheated on me like 2 times. He had done this in his prior relationship, but with me he found out I would not tolerate it. After I caught him the 2nd time (which nobody before me could catch him at it) I was talking to him on the cell phone telling him what I had discovered and at the same time I was packing his stuff. Next thing I know as I am still talking to him he shows up at the door in tears. Now mind you, here was a man who abruptly left his job where telling them he had an emergency, he worked at an Exxon plant making $30.00 an hr. He hurried home to try and keep me from throwing him out. I was so hurt and upset that he had betrayed me after I had given him a "2nd chance". It was February 2004 that this happened, he was on his knees begging me to please forgive him (again) and that he swore on our love it would never happen again. Ok call me dumb or whatever but after about 3 weeks of him begging and trying to prove to me he was serious, he sent me an email with all the passwords to his email, and cell phone so that I could check on him at any given time I took him back into my life but I had my guard up and it took months for me to even make love to him or anything and I must say he patiently waited on me.. I never had that gut feeling anything was going on, he was always careful to call and let me know what he was doing and such as he wanted me reassured of his pledge to be faithful. The problem is this I still have moments that the bad times enter my head rather it be a dream or something to set me off, and boy do I make him pay. I accuse him of stuff when I honestly know there is nothing going on. I tell him that this was all his fault I know he changed for me but that I can't control my dreams and he needs to just love me throughout it. His reaction to me is that he says he knows he did wrong he has made that wrong a right and that if I can't let go of the past how can we have a future. Is he right? Am I wrong for lashing out at him every time I have a bad dream about the cheating? We had counseling after the last time I caught him, but it still seems to rear its ugly head at times and I don't know how to deal with it. He has taken so much abuse (verbal) from me about the past and he just reminds me he loves me and does not become angry at me. Please help me as I would hate to lose the man my husband has truly become.

[JohnSnownw]

Well, you must remember that it was your decision to take him back. I hate to side with someone who has cheated, but if you cannot learn to trust him, you will probably end up destroying the relationship. Lashing out at someone because of a dream you had is not only irrational, it puts him in a no-win situation as he has no way of defending himself. It seems to me like this guy has made an effort and is continuing to make an effort to show you how he feels. You are going to have to decide for yourself if you are able to trust him, because if you don't the relationship cannot survive. I suggest you get more counseling, it may very well save your marriage. I wish you the best of luck.

[kp2171]

I'm glad you are addressing this.

A common saying is once a cheater always a cheater... but I just don't know that its true. People sometimes need to get knocked on their arse a few times, even if its by their own doing, to realize they need to straighten out. So far, it sure sounds like your husband has chosen a life with you. Maybe the thought of really losing you finally made him a better man.

But, as mentioned, you did choose to be with him, history and all, and it isn't fair to him to continue to punish him for the kinds of things you are talking about. You don't need to forget, but you also should not be using it as a leveraging tool in the relationship, and that's what you are doing. You seem to think you can trust him now... that he's doing right by you... but you just haven't been able to fully trust him. The anger and the need to have the upper hand "you know what you did" is a false sense of security.

Since a threat is what seemed to stop him before, its what you've used since to warn him.

And now it seems you are getting tired of it and you know the damage it might do. In the end, you want him to be true because he IS true... not because you threatened... though honestly, most of us probably do stay true, in part, because we know what we could lose if we strayed, right?

Anyway... you sense its time to let go of the pain. And, yes, there is a point when you can only apologize so often and mean it. Its time for you both to try to put the past in the past. You need to be willing to get hurt, and that means trusting him. He took vows. He seems to be keeping them. He deserves to be trusted and respected for that.

If you have a bad dream, its not his fault. If flashes of the past come up and anger you, you need to deal with that as the past. If you need to talk to someone about this professionally, yourself, then do it. Not saying maybe you both don't need to do a little more talking to someone, but maybe its time you talked with someone one on one yourself and started to let some things go.

You need to honestly believe how much better your relationship will be when this isn't in the way. Its taking up your emotional energy, and at this time, its all about YOUR inability to channel your emotions. Yes. He hurt you. Yes. You deserve to feel that pain. To a point. You've chosen to be with him.. and he's with you.. so its time to make the next step.

My first serious relationship changed me in ways I haven't been able to fully "recover" from. It was a 7 year turbulent relationship that in some ways haunted all others after.

I'm less patient. Maybe a little less trusting. A little less open. Less naïve. But I've done pretty well, I think, to treat that as an issue of the past, and I try to catch myself as much as I can when the sins of the past seem to be punishing those I love in the present.

You need to do the same. You need to find a way to look at him with new eyes. See him as the man he has become. Stop being angry at what he did, and take pride in who he is now and that he is with you. Treat him like he's a completley different person, because it seems like he is.

The sooner you can let that happen, and honestly believe it, the better your relationship will be.

[Sincere1]

The part of your message that sticks out to me is "Call me dumb ... but I took him back into my life ..." I think that maybe you need to redefine your own actions here. You are totally reasonable in taking him back after all of the efforts he has made to earn back your trust. You are NOT dumb! What's dumb, to me, is painting people's mistakes in black and white and thinking there's only one way to deal - ie: dumping him. Well, we're all human, and we all make mistakes. It's how we handle them that truly defines our character.

In short, I do think that you should forgive him and leave the past in the past. Especially since your accusations towards your partner is not only hurting him, but ultimately you. Don't live your life thinking 'what if he cheats again?' or too much negative energy will be focused here and you won't enjoy the connection you and your partner could possibly share. I think I'd rather assume the best and deal with those emotions only if he were to cheat again. I don't know if I'm making sense to you. I just mean to say that I'd rather put on my rose colored glasses and assume everything's great since he's done everything right after he made his mistakes. Even if he were to cheat again, I don't believe this has any reflection on you as being a fool whatsoever.

So instead, maybe you should ask yourself, What if he DOESN'T cheat ever again? Think of all the time and energy wasted... and the pain and suffering because of the accusations and negative thoughts. Perhaps a little mind over matter. I'm sure easier said than done, but I wish you both well.

[Edensmimi]

Thank you all so very much, as I sit here with tears running down my cheeks I know you are all right in what you have said. I am going to pray for God to help me remove the past and to focus on what we have now and what the future holds for us. We are currently raising 2 grand children ages 2 and 7 (my daughters kids) and it was his choice to do this so the babies had a stable and loving home. That is just how good of a man he is to me. I can't thank you all enough for opening my eyes by sharing your thoughts with me. You know sometimes it takes someone on the outside looking in to open the window one needs to see the light on the other side.

[Homegirl 50]

You took him back twice, so you either have to trust him or this will destroy your marriage.
But don't ignore any red flags if they come up. Don't ever ignore your instincts when dealing with a cheater.
But I hope for your sake that he is reformed.

[Homegirl 50]

I was not trying to down him or burst your bubble. I just want you to not shut out your instincts because you may be feeling guilty.
I hope this man is on the up and up with you and you two find a way to get past this.
I wish you the very best

[Edensmimi]

I was not trying to down him or burst your bubble. I just want you to not shut out your instincts because you may be feeling guilty.
I hope this man is on the up and up with you and you two find a way to get past this.
I wish you the very best

Oh I totally didn't feel you were trying to do that ;) and thank you for your best wishes:p

[Foxy459459]

He is right about one thing, you can not move forward if you don't let go of the past, never forget what happened but you can't through it in his face every chance you get. That just causes problems. He was and still is extremely wrong for everything that he has done and you have every right to think the way that you do. But you have to be able to move past all of that if you want to be with this man and not lose him.

[talaniman]

If you need some help to get over old, buried anger, then get some, they can show you how to handle your feelings, in a more productive way.

[nicespringgirl]

Any type of professional advice is a positive step to help find the underlying reason for your husband's infidelity.
Go to marriage counseling please.

[Dennis777]

Hello.

A relationship is all or nothing there is no half way. Its not right to jump him because your insecure. If you can forgive him 110% then do it and move on with the relationship, if you can't then just move on.

The problem I have is, why is he taking the abuse. A cheater isn't the type of person that allows people to control them that's why they cheat they want the control. So why is he taking your abuse. Is it the fact he is sorry and really wants to make things work. If that's it then you will push him over the edge with the abuse. OR is he still cheating and playing your game and in reality controlling you.

You have to make up your mind right or wrong and start living that decision 110%. There is no half way...

Dennis777

[Edensmimi]

Hello.

A relationship is all or nothing there is no half way. Its not right to jump him because your insecure. If you can forgive him 110% then do it and move on with the relationship, if you can't then just move on.

The problem i have is, why is he taking the abuse. A cheater isn't the type of person that allows people to control them thats why they cheat they want the control. So why is he taking your abuse. Is it the fact he is sorry and really wants to make things work. If thats it then you will push him over the edge with the abuse. OR is he still cheating and playing your game and in reality controlling you.

You have to make up your mind right or wrong and start living that decision 110%. There is no half way...

Dennis777

Dennis, Thank you for answering and I will admit that I feel he is taking it because he does love me that much. I don't have any indications he is doing it again. Trust me I am not one to be played with God blessed me with a strong 'sixth sense". You are right as are the others I have to get past this as I do trust him now, but I agree that it is best for me to seek one on one professional help as how to let it go. Thanks again for your thoughts and concern ;) This thread has helped me SO MUCH, I can't even begin to explain how much better I am feeling. God Bless You

[Chery]

I have been married to good man for over 2 years now. The problem is prior to us being married and while we were still dating he cheated on me like 2 times. He had done this in his prior relationship, but

If he is like many other men - 'cheating' before you are married is not as bad as while married. And, if he has not cheated on you since your marriage, then you can give him the benefit of doubt.

We've all done a few things in our past that we'd like to forget, and you should try to forget, with help.

Good luck, and be happy.

[kp2171]

And, even though its NO guarantee, sometimes having the responsibility of kids, esp grandkids, can make a person straighten up.

I have a relative who was nothing less than a SOB when younger... bad dad, worse husband. But now, older in years and smarter after the bumps, bruises, and second chances (third, fourth, etc)... he's a better man as grandpa than he ever was before.

I know the same about two other men in my family or related family.

So maybe the kids helped him understand also that his life is bigger than him and help temper the noise. Though I suspect his fidelity in the marriage is about his love for you.

[Marily]

I know how you feel, things like this can scar one pretty bad, since you took him back I think that you two should stast building some trust in your relationship, I know you might not forget what he did, but try to forgive and make peace with it, this is obviously robbing you from the happiness you deserve

[Homegirl 50]

Therapy may be something you can do together. HE started this and as your husband it is his responsibility IMO to help you get through it, to help both of you get past this. It may be good for him to really understand what this infidelity did to you then he will be better able to understand your anger.
But if he doesn't, you do it for you.