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needpaul · Aug 23, 2007, 09:42 AM

I think I've lost my adult son. He is 28 years old, unmarried and moved out of my home last year. He bought himself a co-op around the corner from me. He is very responsible, and is good with money. However, for about 5 years or more now... since he was in college, he has completely eliminated me from his life. I am a divorced mom and raised him and his sister alone. I truly believe that he suffered from the effects of the divorce, because he was very close to his dad prior to the divorce... he was 7 when we split. Anyway, he has actually told me that he wants nothing to do with me. My parents are 86 and 83 and have always been so good to both of my children, especially considering that we were a divorced family. They have been generous to us, and even took us to Disney when the kids were younger, not wanting them to miss out on this experience. Anyway, he has stopped coming to family functions, dinners, etc. We are a small family, about 10 including my brother and his children and we always celebrated birthdays, holidays, etc. together. Now my son says he has to work whenever we invite him for one of our get togethers. He has stopped calling my parents and this has broken their hearts. They did nothing to warrant this behavior. I feel so badly for them... he is extremely frugal, always worrying about money, so whenever the occasion calls for a gift (birthday, holiday, etc.) he doesn't buy a gift. He has even come to dinner in a restaurant to celebrate my dad's 85th birthday and DIDN'T EVEN BRING A CARD. This is why I think he started refusing to attend, because of the money involved... now it has escalated into a matter of fact situation - whereby no one ever sees him anymore. I didn's see him from January 17 to August 4 this year. He never came for Mother's Day or my birthday... but called on these days. I am beside myself with sadness. I miss him so much. When I call his cell and leave a message, he NEVER calls me back. I am so sad...

night_owl_nighter · Aug 23, 2007, 07:20 PM

Have you ever considered he might have something mentally wrong like OCD? Or possibly anxiety disorder. He may have gotten himself into drugs, alcohol or a number of things, what I would do, now this is what I would do not a professional view or anything, but what I would do is first give him a soft approach and try a ONE calm phone conversation, if that doesn't work, you start getting aggressive, show up at his doorstep even, if you think he needs help, help him get help, I say, don't give up, keep fighting, no breaks, keep fighting, again, not professional, may not be the greatest approach

Homegirl 50 · Aug 23, 2007, 07:47 PM

As another mother, I am so sorry to know that you are going through this. I have an adult child and I can't imagine.
Is there a possibility he may be on drugs? All you can do is go to him in a non combative way, let him know you are concerned, maybe you'll be able to see if there is a problem. Let him know you love and miss him. After that, I don't know what to tell you. You do what you can, but then it's up to him.

LearningAsIGo · Aug 24, 2007, 06:18 AM

My brother is like this, he's 27.

Over time, I learned that he feels as though he doesn't "fit in" with the family. He's a shy person so even though it sounds weird that he might even feel that way with family... he does. He's also insecure and feels inadequate. I've witnessed family members reach out to him but he never recognizes it and later complains to me that no one cares. (NOT true!) Sometimes, I just think its an excuse to hang out with friends rather than his boring family... As for spending $$, my brother is usually 1/2 broke and partly just because he's a guy he won't even bring a card to a birthday... so he might avoid going all together if he thinks he's expected to give something. Guys are just like that sometimes. Also, my brother JUST moved out of my grandmother's house and finally has some freedom, so he doesn't want to be around us right now. Maybe that's the way your son feels too?

My point in telling you all this, is simply guys aren't always emotional and aware of their actions. He may simply want some space and feel shy or it could be something bigger like the problems other posters mentioned.

I would call him one more time. Simply tell him (or his answering machine) that you miss him and love him. Without putting too much pressure on him, slowly build up from there.

Good luck to you, I know this must break your heart.