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aanthonyy · Aug 17, 2007, 06:21 AM

After 4 years of lies, manipulation from emotionally the most needy individual I have ever had the misfortune of having a relationship with I am questioning whether I will ever be able to open my heart and love again.
She caught me on the rebound from a great 7 year relationship when I was feeling lonely and vulnerable and totally overwhelmed me with her presence. Hated the fact that I had a life and interests and controlled me completely, until finally leaving me kicking in the dust and telling me I was abusive. If demanding some space to enjoy my life as an individual is abusive then so be it! From being (eventually) totally dependent on her, I have now regained my emotional independence through support from my great friends and family (and therapist).
SHe cheated on me throughout the relationship and spent all of in on internet dating websites until she finally found a new man who is now financially dependent on her and 20 years younger... I am glad he came about and got me off the hook, but I get really low thinking of the problems she has caused me and in my faith in love and honesty and respect and goodness.
She tells me now that she misses me but that I was an addiction and like a recovering alcoholic she would be unwise to take another sip... That she still loves me but is in love with her new man. That she is happier in mind body and soul than she has been in years.
I agree - but feel as though she has almost read my mind and stolen my narrative.
I still miss her - I hate that fact. I also hate the fact that because she is so damn needy she will be back in touch with me when her new relationship ends. By then I am praying that I will see her for who she is and will not be feeling so alone and rejected...
PLEASE give me your thoughts.

Marily · Aug 17, 2007, 08:08 AM

I can imagine how you feel, I once got hurt out of the blue and I later felt that I should defend myself emotionally from everybody, it went on for months, I was scared to be with people because I thougt that I might get attached to a new friend and would get hurt all over again, but everything worked out fine and I'm smiling again. I've learned the hard way that time heals all wounds :)

SAB123 · Aug 17, 2007, 10:34 AM

I also feel the same way if I will ever be able to love or open my heart again. But when I think about it, it's all about taking a chance. But I guess I won't know until I have completely healed and when I meet someone new.

aanthonyy · Aug 17, 2007, 11:29 AM

I don't know whether it is worth the pain...

SAB123 · Aug 17, 2007, 11:39 AM

I think once we heal we will be able too. Just look around I'm sure everyone around has been hurt at least once in their life and they are with someone. So I hope I don't feel that way in the future.

aanthonyy · Aug 17, 2007, 12:16 PM

I think my problem is that I met my last girlfriend before getting over the previous one thus I was vulnerabe. Unfortunately for me I ended running into a nutcase who did everything she could to break me as she had, literally, nothing else in her life other than me - no job, no friends etc...

Ash123 · Aug 17, 2007, 12:50 PM

A psychiatrist would try to examine more about YOU than her.

What is giving her this power?

She's preying on an insecurity... Look for it while you are in 100% NC.

The next girl AND YOU will benefit.

4answers · Aug 17, 2007, 02:40 PM

Question for you... When you walk down the street and see that hot piece of stuff with that cracking figure walking towards you... Does it go through your mind.. bloody hell, what could I do with that ! If the answer is yes... Which it is then you can love again...

(Sorry girls, it's a guy thing!).

aanthonyy · Aug 18, 2007, 05:07 AM

And the thing I realise is that I pitied her as much as I ever loved her. The sex was amazing which held me in there - she knew which buttons to press.
I had very little respect for her by the end and probably even less for myself.
I think much of the upset was caused by the realisation of what a dark horrible place I had been dragged to - or allowed myself to go to. I do take responsibility.
Can I ask how somebody can just go straight from one relationship into another. SHe has not been single in 20 years - just back on back relationships... I find it really weird... Can one learn and grow as an individual when never single? To me it seems that a stop gap between relationships a) Stops one making the same mistakes and b) Allows one to determine what ones wants and needs actually are in a relationship.
I suspect that her want and need is control against her underlying vulnerabilities which is hidden under years and years of scar tissue.