[J_9]

You see, this is why we stress that there are consequences to actions, they committed the heinous crime, so they have to suffer the consequences. Yes, they are branded for life. Can they be rehabilitated? No one can know for certain because we cannot read their minds to know what they may or may not be fantasizing about. They may be able to control their actions, but can't control their thoughts. So, the threat is ALWAYS there.

We do have a sex offender in our area, albeit he did not molest a child, he works in a local restaurant, however, I will not patronize that restaurant.

In my opinion pedophiles are beyond redemption because they took something from a child, innocence if you will, that can never be regained. The trust of that child is gone, never to return as it once was or should be.

I am happy to see that you are beginning to see the light in that how it not only ruins the life of the offender, but of those close the offender, whether it be family or friends. And that ruination is permanent.

My 13 year old still plays with her Polly Pockets and Webkins, I would die if her innocence were stolen from her. It chokes me up just to think about it.

Your father controlled his actions, but you must know that this is not the norm, in all actuality he is probably only one of a few who could control his actions, yet you still don't know if he included these actions in his fantasies. This is where mental illness comes into play with the sexual offender.

[kp2171]

There are a lot of ways to exploit a child, and degrees of abuse. A man who brutally rapes a child is not in the same league as a man to secretly takes pictures of children in public or even private. Degrees of sickness... but where does it end? That's the problem. You never know.

So... on one hand I "get" your position as best I can relate. I'm not on the same page as you. You have NO idea where he wouldve gone if he hadn't been caught. I don't take that as his showing self control which wouldve prevented rape... but all that's noise we can't predict. As a father of a young child, and a husband to a woman who was molested, and a son of a woman who was molested, my blood boils pretty hot here. But, like I said, I see your side to some degree.

We are probably more likely to accept that a person can murder, serve their time, and maybe never do it again. We've all been filled with rage. Doesn't mean we condone it, but we can sort of relate to the anger that might drive someone to murder. Sort of.

The problem with molestation is its just hitting so many nerves that people struggle with. My wife cites a study/survey/poll... don't know the numbers and don't know where it came from or where she read it... but men were asked "if you could rape a woman and be guaranteed to get away with it, would you"... and apparently a surprising number said "yes"... sexual urges are something that people, especially men I think, struggle with. But when you start talking about children, its just soooo far out there that I don't think we can relate.

I don't think that means we shouldn't voice an opinion. Being good Christians doesn't mean lowering expectations. And you must have known this was a volatile subject. Just because you have forgiven him doesn't mean everyone else is obligated to do so. You are, as admitted, perhaps swayed by your love for him. What if he had been the neighbor next door and not the man you knew. Would it suddenly be OK to live next to him because your child was grown?

You KNOW I'm not asking these questions to get and answer. They are just the things that complicate the issue.

So to answer your question as best I can... and I haven't so far... well, yes... some relationships that have been terribly broken by a partner can probably be mended with time and healing. Only you can decide if its worth the effort and frustration and potential noise from your family.

As much as my wife loves me, if I did anything like that to her daughter, id be lucky to be alive. And if I was living, I know she would never want anything to do with me... even though the marriage is strong and solid. I just don't think she could ever look her daughter in the face again.

So... do what you want. And like it or not, suck it up a little. You can blame the rest of the world for its being hateful and for not forgiving if that helps you along. I think its just as blind as you think many here are.

[Ash123]

I'm not sure BeenThere is still on this thread...

[kp2171]

Uh... she was on here 20 minutes ago...

[RubyPitbull]

She will be back. Most of us pop in and out on a regular basis.

[Ash123]

OK, well, she's getting a healthy response --

[Ash123]

I'm going to add this again then.

Dysfunction begets dysfunction. And you are now passing it on.

The belief that he is OK now and love has lasted is nice... and he will not likely fondle anyone (she's too old anyway) but the family will feel the fissure. Case in point. Your quote about your daughter and your EX: "Sometimes she's comfortable. Sometimes she's not..."

That says it all. I don't think the relationship is advisable.

[kp2171]

Ungh. So this had nothing to do with whether the OP was gone or not. You just didn't like what I said...

Next time just disagree and get on with it. It will save us from a lot of silly noise.

Personally, I'm not at all comfortable with the situation, but like I said, some relationships can be salvaged. That doesn't mean they should. That doesn't mean its good for the rest of her family, as I already stated in my post.

I'm done posting about this. Sorry it took several posts for you to say you disagree. Absolutely your prerogative.

Next time just give me a "reddie" by disagreeing and stating your point. It's that simple.

[Ash123]

I wasn't disagreeing with you.

I was weighing in again because I had not been attentive enough to see that there was still a conversation going I guess.

Keep rockin'

[Homegirl 50]

I really feel for the predicament you're in. You probably should have had counseling after this happened your daughter. This man not only violated your daughter, he violated you, your marriage and your trust as well.
Myself, I don't think I would ever be able to trust him again. I would always be wondering if he has hurt another child. The thing that I believe makes it so hard for you is that you grew up with an abuser, so you have this idea they can decide to not do this again. Personally a man that would violate his own child would maybe stay away from that child cause he was caught, but he would find another. I would never trust him around a child of mine ever again.
My advise to you is seek counseling. In a sense you have been violated all your life.
I hope you find peace. Don't let that man worm his way back into your life.

[BEEN THERE]

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I really needed a good dose of reality. Although it was easier to read and think about the responses that were more civil, many of you attacking me still made great points and I have read and re-read them all. I hope if there is anyone else out there in my situation, you've made it past the first couple of pages and really got some help on the subject too. And believe me when I tell you this, there are a lot more women out there than me confused on the subject. Out of my ex-husbands counciling group of six. Four of the wives stayed married to their man. Hard to believe but unfortunately, true. I think those of us that have had bad experiences in the past just tend to find these losers more than others and it colors or judgement because we think that everyone has there own problems because we have been surrounded by it our whole lives. In my case my mother was raped by her father, my sister by hers, and several friends who also had incidences in their past. To me it seemed that many more people had problems in this area than most people knew of and it made it easier to forgive. Now, I think it may be like victims of physical abuse who end up finding a man that beats them. We subconsciously seek out what we know. I still believe that people are mainly good and believe that most people can be rebilitated if given a fair chance, but am now armed with knowledge and the points of view of others who's perspectives have not been tainted.

[cyrenasworld]

My daughter, now 12, just told me she was being molested by my ex-fiance when she was 6! Our justice systems says that even though her story is airtight, there has to be a confession from the abuse (hello.. I haven't spoken to the slug in 5 years or more) or physical evidence. There are neither so we can't prosecute. The hurt and anger that I feel right now is devastating so naturally your question is making my skin crawl!

My reply to you-Pedophilia is not a flaw that can be overcome, it is a serious DEFECT! If you think his "craving" was satisfied with your daughter, your wrong! Chances are, he did it before your daughter and has done it since because there is NO CURE! Please ask yourself "How could I lay next to a man that is attracted to children" say it out loud.

You don't need him back, you need closure. Get help now! A mother's job is to protect her child at all costs! And one more thing I want you to ask yourself OUT LOUD, "HOW WOULD YOUR DAUGHTER REACT IF SHE READ YOUR QUESTION??

[4answers]

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I really needed a good dose of reality. Although it was easier to read and think about the responses that were more civil, many of you attacking me still made great points and I have read and re-read them all. I hope if there is anyone else out there in my situation, you've made it past the first couple of pages and really got some help on the subject too. And believe me when I tell you this, there are alot more women out there than me confused on the subject. Out of my ex-husbands counciling group of six. Four of the wives stayed married to their man. Hard to believe but unfortunately, true. I think those of us that have had bad experiences in the past just tend to find these losers more than others and it colors or judgement because we think that everyone has there own problems because we have been surrounded by it our whole lives. In my case my mother was raped by her father, my sister by hers, and several friends who also had incidences in their past. To me it seemed that many more people had problems in this area than most people knew of and it made it easier to forgive. Now, I think it may be like victims of physical abuse who end up finding a man that beats them. We subconsciously seek out what we know. I still believe that people are mainly good and believe that most people can be rebilitated if given a fair chance, but am now armed with knowledge and the points of view of others who's perspectives have not been tainted.

We all wish you well, sometimes a harsh but true response is needed to break a cycle of someone's thought processes. We all know hostages can fall in love with their captors, but its not normal or healthy and therefore its important for the captors to be brought out of the cycle of thought that led them to that. I hope, and think we have achieved that. As for reabilitation of molesters, I personally do not believe it is possible but I would love it to be. It is for this reason why I do not take vigilante action against these people even thought the feelings are there. I leave it up to the proffesionals and the authorities.

But like all things in life what the authorities can achieve is limited and they need our help due to personal responsibility... Like crime prevention and Neibourhood watch ! Therefore I believe it is each our own responsibility to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I applaud you for protecting your children. Unfortunately until there is a cure for this illness, that protection and vigilance Must continue.

I wish you well and thank you for seeking our help, I trust you will continue to help us in our times of need.

4 answers.

[talaniman]

I for one, applaud your courage, and your actions, in saving your child from a life few can understand, as I have seen the devastation of entire families, because of a child being molested and had no help, and ended up in jail, on drugs, and with little means of getting their lives back. Worst of all the molested far to often become the molester. You are as much a victim as your daughter, and I hope you receive the help you need to get whole, and healthy again.

[Homegirl 50]

I applaud your courage for not only getting rid of the man but for coming forward with this question. I wish you nothing but the best as you deserve nothing but the best.

[4answers]

Please feel free in anytimes of weakness or lonliness that make you want this man back in your life to contact us for reasurance and support.

Our dose of reality might be harsh, but it is a 100% caring does of reality. Hard to hear the truth, easy to run from it when you hear it. But it takes courage to face, accept and deal with it.

Well done you.

4 answers.

[BEEN THERE]

"HOW WOULD YOUR DAUGHTER REACT IF SHE READ YOUR QUESTION??

Funny you should ask? Obviously you haven't read all of the answers or you would know while thinking about this I actually already asked her how she would feel. Since the damage had already been done I sent her a link to this site so she could read for herself. I honestly felt like if she read the conclusion to it she would understand where my head was and perhaps stop the cycle. I certainly don't want her accepting anything short of perfection from her mate!

[4answers]

You know the sad irony is that the perverts are just selfish people with a twisted faulty sexual desire. And there actions are not that of someone who cares about other people or the damage they cause but only their own selfish sexual gratification. It is however the NORMAL people like us who suffer at the hands of these people. Normal people who are not selfish and care about the well being of others.

Why should we care about someone who knows the damage their actions will cause to not only their victims, but to everyone else around them and instead of putting others first will go ahead anyway. We should not care ! We should not protect them ! And we certainly should not love them !

The love of decent people is earned not given. Don't give these freaks of nature any love.

[4answers]

To the Perverted Abnormal Freaks reading this, you should find this embarrassing and humiliating If you don't then you know without doubt that you are a SICK !

[4answers]

Today I am going to decide not to touch that child. Today I am going to decide not to have sex !

ITS NOT A HARD THING TO DO. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE... GET HELP