[miss_confused]

Last May 2007, I found out that my husband betrayed me for another girl. It didn't get to the point of a sexual intimacy but they were emotionally intimate. I am not the type of wife who invades the privacy of my husband. I don't open his mails, emails, and even his phone messages. I just had a strong feeling one day of opening his phone messages and luckily for me, he had a new message received and unread. The phone number wasn't registered in his phone and there was no name indicated. At first I thought that it was just a mis sent message and was not intended for him though. The message goes, "Hi Honey. Peace, love, and rage against the machine." To prove if the message was intended for him, I used my celphone number to reply to her message and pretended that I am my husband. I was surprised to get another response and the message goes, "got it." I asked her if she could mention my name and what she liked about me. Without hesitation, she sent a response telling my husband's name and what she liked about him. Our conversaton went on with her believing that my husband was the one sending the messages. With our conversaton, I was able to find out their secret relationship. He is the only one working. I stay at home with our kids. I take good care of him and our kids that even his mom appreciates and thank me for. Gave up my god life with my parents for him. He always tells me that he is so happy that I am his wife and loves me so much. I confronted him about the situation and he didn't deny it. He admitted everything. He said that there was nothing wrong with me but with him. He asked for forgiveness and I forgave him with the condition that he'd call the girl in my presence and break off with her. He did exactly that. I was really willing to forgive him and I gave him another chance. I even asked him to stop showing so much concern for the opposite sex and being sweet to them because at times girls misinterpret such acts, which by the way started their relationship. But recently, I found out that he sent another email to another girl with the words, "That's so sweet of you" I went through his email and found out that he deleted all messages from her and his messages for her. He doesn't want to talk things over even our misunderstandings. He promises that we'll talk about our problem when he gets home from the office but he often falls asleep after dinner. I don't want to discuss matters in front of my kids because I don't want them to get angry at their dad and think lowly of him. I wanted to protect my kids from all the hurts I am feeling now. I don't know the reason why he keeps on showing so much concern and sweetness to the opposite sex even if I told him not to and even if he knows that I would be hurt if I find out. He is not the type of person who easily admits his fault and he often sleeps in when we have our fights. Should I trust him?

[Chery]

Dear, it's hard to follow when you post more than once on the same issue.

It seems that you have not trusted him since the first indiscretion and I doubt there is anything we can suggest that will make you trust him again.

It is up to you to choose whether you want to continue to let him fall asleep on a serious conversation or put your foot down and suggest a Family Therapy session. You need to do all you can to get your life on a more stable road or the stress and 'unknown' will only in the long-run make you physically ill.

Work toward keeping your health and stability of your family with all that you have, even it it means giving him an ultimatum.

Good luck dear, and get back with us.

[happylady123]

It would be hard to trust someone who's not telling you the truth. How do you know that these aren't the only 2 women? And also how do you know it was just an emotional relationship and not sexual, is it because he told you that? I think it sounds like you guys need some counseling, because for him something must be lacking in his life that he needs to find women to help. This is a hard situation, of course you don't want your kids to think poorly of him, so maybe send your kids out of the room and speak with him. It sounds like your only opportunity, since he's always falling asleep. My theory is once a cheater always a cheater, so I would strongly suggest you keep checking mail, etc. if your gut is telling you to. Good luck.

[GlindaofOz]

If he is avoiding talking to you about this by falling asleep then I would say he is not interested in changing his behavior. It would seem to me that he does not want to work things out or is interested in saving your marriage.

When he falls asleep wake him up. You need to have this conversation this is your marriage too and you have a right to hear what is going on.

[dcole]

Is your question "should you trust him" Well NOOO. You shouldn't trust him. But, I truly do believe that there's nothing wrong with you... it's him. You sound like such an intelligent women... I really like the way you handled the situation when you found about about his first 'relationship' so to speak. Good for you - smart woman! But you have listed enough info NOT to trust him. The question is what is it you should do about it. Obviously, the falling asleep game is going to get old really quick here. Shake him awake when you are on your way to marriage counselling - or do you think you can handle this one yourself? Hmmm... probably not. Tell him to go to counseling together and on his own to discover what his own deficiencies are so that you can move ahead. Otherwise, if he wants to continue playing the field, he's welcome to... ON HIS OWN!

[natetheskate]

No, if trust is an issue, than trust will always be an issue, for many its not. For just as many it is the foundation of a relationship. It is difficult to give up on a relationship that you have so many years invested in, it makes a person feel that they have wasted the best years of their life and nobody is eager to throw away the best years of their life. If you continue to focus on this, then that will be what it is, the best years of your life. The old saying is true, it is never to late to start over.

[miss_confused]

The thing is this. We have been married for 6 years now. We have been very happy all the time. Our line of communication is always open. We make jokes together, he tells me story about what transpired during the day in his work, and I tell him the activities I had at home and with the kids. I didn't see this situation coming because we had such good times together. It's just that he's not into talking and discussing the problem right there and then. I always wanted us to talk if there'd be any problem that would arise but he'd rather sleep and just let it pass until he has forgotten about it. When his family came to visit us, I even took good care of them. He always tells me I am the best choice he ever made in his life. He often surprise me with flowers and gifts on ordinary days. When he admitted that he was cheating on me, my whole world collapsed. We already went to the one who officiated our wedding and told him our problem. He advised us to be very honest with each other and be open to each other whether it doesn't seem so important for either of us. I have asked him to be open to me if any one from the opposite sex is showing some emotional intimacy to him. He agreed to it at first but I soon found out while checking his email that he sent her a sweet note as an appreciation for the picture she sent. When I scanned through his whole mail, I didn't find any picture or messgae from her. Majority of his mails that I have found was business related. I just hacked his password so I can enter his mail site. He hasn't been willing to give me his passwords for all his emails. Is this a sign of guilt because he is afraid to hurt my feelings. For him there's nothing wrong with showing sweetness to the opposite sex, but he is not open to me about it either. I guess asking him to be open isn't working.

[Chery]

I have asked him to be open to me if any one from the opposite sex is showing some emotional intimacy to him. He agreed to it at first but i soon found out while checking his email that he sent her a sweet note as an appreciation for the picture she sent. when i scanned through his whole mail, i didn't find any picture or messgae from her. Majority of his mails that i have found was business related. I just hacked his password so i can enter his mail site. He hasn't been willing to give me his passwords for all his emails. Is this a sign of guilt because he is afraid to hurt my feelings. For him there's nothing wrong with showing sweetness to the opposite sex, but he is not open to me about it either. I guess asking him to be open isn't working.

Unless you get someone from the outside involved in this, you will continue to be jealous - and jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions in a relationship.
If he always was cordial to women he probably learned this from early childhood and you must have known that he cannot act like a jerk around them.
Maybe staying home while he is out working and communicating with 'strangers' and getting 'intimate looks' irritated you so much that you spent some time on his emails to be closer and oops - you found something to be jealous about. We all will find that 'one thing' when we strive to look for it.

I seriously suggest you seek professional help, dear, or look forward to something bad getting worse. There is more to this than meets the eye and the sooner you work on it, the better for all concerned.

Get back with us.