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miss_confused · Aug 9, 2007, 10:46 PM

My husband is showing so much concern and sweetness to the opposite sex and lies about it, and most of the times ignores conversation about that. What would I do?

Afireundermyskin · Aug 10, 2007, 02:07 AM

Originally Posted by miss_confused

My husband is showing so much concern and sweetness to the opposite sex and lies about it, and most of the times ignores conversation about that. What would i do?

Is he not showing it to you?

GlindaofOz · Aug 10, 2007, 05:04 AM

In what context is this done? Could you please expand a bit?

miss_confused · Aug 10, 2007, 05:11 AM

He doesn't show that kind of concern and sweetness to me. I once encountered an archive of their I'm conversation and that hurt me a lot. The girl felt sick and he is always checking whether she drank her medicine on time or went to see the doctor. While ignore me when I am sick. They even planned to spend time together at KL. He even told her that he can't sleep because he can't get her out of his mind. What am I supposed to do?

GlindaofOz · Aug 10, 2007, 05:14 AM

It sounds like your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman. Have you confronted him with this? I would ask for him to stop having this affair with her. If he refuses then you need to think about what you need to do

Chery · Aug 10, 2007, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by miss_confused

he doesn't show that kind of concern and sweetness to me. i once encountered an archive of their im conversation and that hurt me a lot. The girl felt sick and he is always checking whether she drank her medicine on time or went to see the doctor. While ignore me when i am sick. They even planned to spend time together at KL. He even told her that he can't sleep because he can't get her out of his mind. What am i supposed to do?

This does not give us much to work on, but I'll give it a try.

How has your marriage otherwise been working out? Have you two always been able to communicate without stress or do you 'talk' about things only when you catch each other doing things wrong?
Ask yourself what there is about your relationship that makes you happy. What has changed to such a degree that it compels you to distrust him.
Was your husband 'sweet and concerning' towards you at any time in the past?
Do you think the 'spark' has gone out of your relationship or have you just recently lost your confidence? Could you be jealous due to loss of confidence?
I'm not sure that one can just 'encounter' an IM conversation without needing a reason the delve into it, so you need to find out if it's just this one person or are there others.. and ask him why.

After a bit of reflexion, get back with us. Good luck dear.

J_9 · Aug 10, 2007, 05:49 AM

The WHOLE story comes out here. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...in-118270.html

Chery · Aug 10, 2007, 06:01 AM

Good job, Janine. The whole site has changed for the better this past year.

Originally Posted by J_9

The WHOLE story comes out here. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...in-118270.html

natetheskate · Aug 11, 2007, 12:51 AM

If you perceive it as concern and sweetness, the guy obviously loves you.

miss_confused · Aug 11, 2007, 01:34 AM

I know my husband loves me so much. That's the reason why he doesn't disclose things to me as I want him to. He is afraid to hurt my feelings. But for me to trust him again, I needed him to be honest with me all the time. If anyone from the opposite sex shows signs of feelings for him, he must tell me at any rate. This would be my basis that he would never lie to me again... I believe that in marriage there should not be anymore privacy between a married couple. After marriage, you are already ONE because you are made ONE. There should never be an occurrence in any one of them, that the other must not know. Every issue needs to be discussed. Everything about your partner should never be withhold from you. This is what true LOVE for me is...

jcharris · Aug 11, 2007, 02:54 AM

I've always looked it as look and admire but don't touch. I think it only means he's a man, and he isn't dead, he's just married. Pay attention to what attracts him and use it to lure his eyes toward you. But please don't don't call the man a liar. He really should'nt have to explain himself. Hey think about it haven't you given a man a second look when he looks good in his clothes, or the way he carries himself.
Hope this helps let us know

natetheskate · Aug 11, 2007, 02:56 AM

Ya, that's true. If your husband does not show you the same respect he is showing others than you should be a little concerned. I would expect my partner to avoid un due attention outside of our relationship. I did not perceive that this was a young marriage, when you said he was being sweet and kind I saw an old man. If he is all he is cracked up to be of course he is going to be getting attention. That in itself can be a very difficult position. If its in the work place or if he is a professional, sweet and kind is the best way to cop out, there is nothing worse than a woman scorned. If he were to come home everyday and tell you that woman in the work place keep hitting on him it would drive you nuts. If you trust the guy show him your best side, if you focus on these negative aspects of life... Just show him your best side, show him that you trust him, he will want nothing more to come home to true love.

jcharris · Aug 11, 2007, 07:54 AM

Lets get a little personal here for a sec. How old are you and your husband and how long have you been married are there any children. Do you work out side the home?

miss_confused · Aug 13, 2007, 03:07 AM

I am 30 years old and my husband's 31. We have been married for 6 years now and have 2 children. A 4-yr. old and 2-yr old. I don't work. I just stay at home. I take care of my kids and my husband full time. If my husband isn't lying to me or is not hiding anyhting from me, then why the hell he doesn't want me to know his email passwords? How come he has some other emails I know not of. He was speechless when I showed him one of the messages he sent to a girl after denying he did. When I asked him to open his email in my presence, he asked me why? If he's not hiding anything from me then why was he hesitant to open his mail pretending that he forgot his password.

miss_confused · Aug 13, 2007, 03:14 AM

Originally Posted by natetheskate

Ya, thats true. If your husband does not show you the same respect he is showing others than you should be a little concerned. I would expect my partner to avoid un due attention outside of our relationship. I did not perceive that this was a young marriage, when you said he was being sweet and kind I saw an old man. If he is all he is cracked up to be of course he is going to be getting attention. That in itself can be a very difficult position. If its in the work place or if he is a professional, sweet and kind is the best way to cop out, their is nothing worse than a woman scorned. If he were to come home everyday and tell you that woman in the work place keep hitting on him it would drive you nuts. If you trust the guy show him your best side, if you focus on these negative aspects of life......... Just show him your best side, show him that you trust him, he will want nothing more to come home to true love.

At least I would know that he is not lhiding anything from me by telling me that a girl from work is hitting on him. How could I suspect that he is reciprocating this attention from a girl when all this time I know all about it because he's been telling me. The point is, he doesn't tell me. That's why it drives me nuts. He is not an old man. He's just 31 and I am just 30 years old. I have been taking good care of him from the day we got married. I see to it that he eats breakfast before going to work, that the house is clean and in order when he comes home. I devoted my time to him when I should be working as an Occupational Therapist. I could have been earning lots of money. But the thing is, I gave up everything and every opportunity coming my way because I want to take good care of him and this is the thanks I get?

miss_confused · Aug 13, 2007, 03:21 AM

Originally Posted by jcharris

I've always looked it as look and admire but don't touch. I think it only means hes a man, and he isn't dead, he's just married. pay attention to what attracts him and use it to lure his eyes toward you. But please don't don't call the man a liar. He really should'nt have to explain himself. Hey think about it havent you given a man a second look when he looks good in his clothes, or the way he carries himself.
Hope this helps let us know

If I see a good looking man, whether with or without my husband. I always tell my husband that I saw a handsome man. A married man or woman for that matter must not show affection to another person outside marriage. Adultery doesn't need to involve touching or sex. If you are married, you should avoid things that you know would hurt your marriage in the process. Admiring and looking are not bad things, I agree. But one should be open to his partner about it so no conflict and misunderstanding may arise. Honesty about EVERYHTING is still the best policy.

jcharris · Aug 13, 2007, 08:03 AM

Well it has been a couple of days since your last post. I was hoping you had ironed things out a little. Regardless my last ? To you was. How old are you and our husband how long have you been married, are there any children. And was wondering if you worked outside the home.

miss_confused · Aug 13, 2007, 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by jcharris

Well it has been a couple of days since your last post. I was hoping you had ironed things out a little. Regardless my last ? to you was. How old are you and our husband how long have you been married, are there any children. and was wondering if you worked outside the home.

I am 30 years old and my husband's 31. We have been married for 6 years now and have 2 children. A 4-yr. old and 2-yr old. I don't work. I just stay at home. I take care of my kids and my husband full time. If my husband isn't lying to me or is not hiding anyhting from me, then why the hell he doesn't want me to know his email passwords? How come he has some other emails I know not of. He was speechless when I showed him one of the messages he sent to a girl after denying he did. When I asked him to open his email in my presence, he asked me why? If he's not hiding anything from me then why was he hesitant to open his mail pretending that he forgot his password.

miss_confused · Aug 14, 2007, 04:00 AM

Earlier this afternoon, I thought about being confrontational so I told my husband that I am going to send an email to this girl asking her what relationship does she have with my husband. You know what my husband did, she told the girl that I am going to send her an email and he asked her not to answer my email. Too late because I already sent the email and even before he sent her the warning, he girl already sent a reply to my email stating that there's nothing going on with her and my husband. I asked her why did she send her pictures to my husband? She said that it's just a way of telling my husband how she was because my husband asked her how she was. When I asked my husband why she sent a picture to him, he said that it is for an MS forum. I was able to get different answers from them which made me upset. I did not see the picture but the girl told me in her email that it was a picture of her and it's kind of sexy since it was taken on the beach. Is that the kind of picture you send to be put up in you profile for IT for MS forum? Should I stay with my husband who keeps lying to me even if caught red handed?

Chery · Aug 14, 2007, 05:33 AM

Here are a few points that I read from your comments, correct me if I'm wrong.

You are a homemaker, primarily taking care of the kids. "I just stay at home" is exactly how you put it. Well, if you don't like where you are at then why don't you change it.
Go to the park, get together with other mothers and do something constructive with the kids.

"Why the hell doesn't he want me to know his email passwords?" - Why the %&%% should he?
I feel that we all have a right to certain privacy in any relationship - for instance, my purse is totally off limits to anyone else but me. My passwords is not anyone's business either. My BF of 9 years is in the same room when I'm on the network, but does not look over my shoulder or wants to know what I'm doing, because he knows that I am here with him. Sometimes I even ask how he feels about what I'm doing and he just says not to stay on too long as he would also like some of my time. I am in communication with a lot of people, men and women, but it does not bother him. Why - because he is confident in our relationship, he trusts me, and knows that here is where I want to be. We both have friends and spend time with them - together or alone. We also look and talk to strangers when out shopping, and believe me, some women look a lot better than I do, but I know who he is going home with and so does he.

I devoted my time to him when I should be working as an Occupational Therapist. I could have been earning lots of money. But the thing is, I gave up everything and every opportunity coming my way because I want to take good care of him and this is the thanks I get?

Did he ask you to give up everything?? Does he take you totally for granted, or does he tell you how he appreciates the things you do? Have you thought of a part-time OT job with affordable care for the kids so that they would not always have to be at home and not get to know other children? You did say he told you that you were the best thing that happened to him - how do you feel when he states that?

No.. I did not forget that he did 'cheat' on you once... and if you cannot forgive him for this then you will be unhappy. I feel that even if you gave him truth-serum in his evening meal and questioned him all night, you will not be happy and will feel the need to find something else.

Talk to a therapist about your mistrust and lack of self-worth and self-confidence, or your life will continue to be like a "broken record" and stuck. Your children will also loose out. See if your hubby would be willing to go to therapy for couples.

Again, I don't think your husband lying is the only problem here and I hope you get it worked out.

Good Luck.