I don't know

momincali · Oct 31, 2005, 11:54 AM

One_Life, if she was 18 years old when you first hooked up, you may very well have been her first REAL love and those are loaded with emotion. Its normal that she will always see you and have a special place in her heart for you and maybe those were the signals you were reading early on. Why did she leave? Was it a clean break, no contact? Did she blame you for the break up or did she say she needed space??

Well, now here you are 5 months later, working in the same department and she just might be sending you those looks to see how far she could take it. I don't think she kept from telling you how she felt because she was nervous, I think she did it to keep the upper hand, you know, control, which is also a way to avoid rejection.

I can understand you feeling a little off on this one, that's normal, just don't let her see it in your face, on the contrary, let her see pure joy and fun. Fun, fun, fun. While on the phone, smile, even if you're only calling in your lunch order. Let her see you in a good mood all the time. Upbeat, not a care in the world. After a while, she's going to wonder exactly what or who is making you so damn happy all the time. You're not playing games, the truth is if you don't behave happy, you won't be happy. :D

Let her beat around the bush until she turns purple, she'll live. :( You said you didn't believe that she wanted you back, that she may have been just testing the waters, who tests waters that they aren't interested in dipping into?? Remember, she likes to keep it low key, to allow you to make the first move. Well I say when a woman decides she wants a second chance, she needs to acknowledge that she made a mistake in leaving and she will do whatever it takes to get it, even if it means she has to do things that are difficult and out of characater for her, it's called working for it. Women in love will do that and more if the guy is worthy, and I have a feeling you are. Until she does, you're not captain assumption, you do nothing. No more asking about that guy in the office or any other. You know, just like in boxing. You don't want to chase your opponent around the ring, you want him to come to you, always. If she starts talking about this guy or that guy, just say "wow", "really" and "that's nice".

2nd chances can be good cause they let you do things right the next time around. You said you believed in forgive and forget. I believe in forgiveness too in some instances but only if it's asked for and depending on the offense I rarely forget. I'm glad you're keeping your nose to the grindstone, that helps.

Happy Monday and Happy Halloween! :eek:

Wildcat21 · Oct 31, 2005, 12:15 PM

"No more asking about that guy in the office or any other."

Yes - PLEASE stop that. Tell she is boring you.

one_life · Nov 1, 2005, 04:35 AM

Originally Posted by momincali

One_Life, if she was 18 years old when you first hooked up, you may very well have been her first REAL love and those are loaded with emotion. Its normal that she will always see you and have a special place in her heart for you and maybe those were the signals you were reading early on. Why did she leave? Was it a clean break, no contact? Did she blame you for the break up or did she say she needed space???

Well, now here you are 5 months later, working in the same department and she just might be sending you those looks to see how far she could take it. I don't think she kept from telling you how she felt because she was nervous, I think she did it to keep the upper hand, you know, control, which is also a way to avoid rejection.

I can understand you feeling a little off on this one, that's normal, just don't let her see it in your face, on the contrary, let her see pure joy and fun. Fun, fun, fun. While on the phone, smile, even if you're only calling in your lunch order. Let her see you in a good mood all the time. Upbeat, not a care in the world. After a while, she's gonna wonder exactly what or who is making you so damn happy all the time. You're not playing games, the truth is if you don't behave happy, you won't be happy. :D

Let her beat around the bush til she turns purple, she'll live. :( You said you didn't believe that she wanted you back, that she may have been just testing the waters, who tests waters that they aren't interested in dipping into??? Remember, she likes to keep it low key, to allow you to make the first move. Well I say when a woman decides she wants a second chance, she needs to acknowledge that she made a mistake in leaving and she will do whatever it takes to get it, even if it means she has to do things that are difficult and out of characater for her, it's called working for it. Women in love will do that and more if the guy is worthy, and I have a feeling you are. Until she does, you're not captain assumption, you do nothing. No more asking about that guy in the office or any other. You know, just like in boxing. You don't want to chase your opponent around the ring, you want him to come to you, always. If she starts talking about this guy or that guy, just say "wow", "really" and "that's nice".

2nd chances can be good cause they let you do things right the next time around. You said you believed in forgive and forget. I believe in forgiveness too in some instances but only if it's asked for and depending on the offense I rarely forget. I'm glad you're keeping your nose to the grindstone, that helps.

Happy Monday and Happy Halloween! :eek:

I don't believe I was her first love, well you can say I was the trully the one that showed her love. When she broke it off with me, yes she did blame me for the whole thing. I never believed she took responsbilty for what she did, instead she used a lousy reason to leave me. I let her go that day. In the first weeks that followed I tried to stay in touch through a few calls and e-mails, but it was too painful, so I initiated no contact.

To be continued...

Chery · Nov 1, 2005, 10:45 AM

Good, continue with the no contact - this might hurt, but the wondering and bouncing back and forth is just as painful, so pick which you'd rather have at this time. There is no perfect solution to anything when it comes to emotions, but survival is the key here and your's is important now. Try to stick to your 'guns' and contact us for help when you get confused again. Let her do the wondering now, it'll do you some good for a change. ;)

one_life · Nov 3, 2005, 01:35 AM

People, I think I made a mistake. Today at work, my ex and I got off work at the same time(first time that happened). It was quite late into the night, so I waited up for her around 10 mintues to finish up work so we would catch the public transport together (we were also going the same way and catching the same public transport). While leaving the office, she turned towards the parking lot, so I asked her where she was going, she said some guy from work(He is not the same guy she is seeing from work) was waiting for her at parking lot to drop of her home. So I said to her I'll catch her later.

I know how you guys are always telling me to not show any sort of concern for her. She knows I waited up for her (even though I did not indicate to her I was going to wait up for her). Did I show her anything by waiting up for her instead of leaving the very second I finished work? I feel stupid and burned by the fact I waited up for her. Did I do the wrong thing?

Chery · Nov 3, 2005, 02:58 AM

One_life, don't worry it's not so bad. You just waited, that's all. I hope you didn't miss the transportation. And your reply of OK, see you later, was OK also, as you did not cause a scene, and were cordial, that's all. Don't read too much into it yourself. Now, go on with your life, and stop thinking you are doing something wrong every time you take a breath. Next time, just leave on your own, no matter how late, she's a big girl and can take care of herself. Remember you wanted to play it cool, do it!! :cool:

Wildcat21 · Nov 3, 2005, 08:14 AM

It wasn't a big deal. I wouldn't worry about it, but I also wouldn't be giving her the time a day either.

Wildcat21 · Nov 7, 2005, 03:57 PM

Well, yes. Tell her she is annoying you now. She shouldn't just 'play' friends every time you talk with another women at work. Tell her these ladies think it's weird as well. Maybe in nice, short, tactful e-mail - she' will GET the hint that you've moved on - absolutely don't be rude... and you know, she just may come back.

"I don't want you, but no one else can have you ethier" - women do this a lot.

People want what they can't have. I know it sounds weird. But, you creating your independence may just bring her back - OR, if anything, help you totally get over her.

Chery · Nov 7, 2005, 04:38 PM

Dear, be kind - as the saying goes, killing with kindness is best. Don't remind her she broke it off, just say that you've got a new life and would appreciated it if she would not be so intrusive- that it only makes her look bad and you don't want her to get a bad reputation, for old time's sake.

Wildcat - tried to rate you, but got the stupid 'spread it message again'. Thumbs up again. Chery

momincali · Nov 7, 2005, 09:23 PM

One_Life, Why am I the only one that slightly disagrees with my buddies Wildcat and Chery?? Oh no, I hate being the odd woman out, but here is my never to be humble opinion. I think, no I know she knows exactly what she's doing and it's beyond wrong, it's disrespectful, especially when she's already dating someone else and you know what else, I know she knows you know about it (did you follow that?). I think that whenever possible you should behave like a gentleman around a woman because you come off smelling like a rose, however, there are those few instances where the circumstances just don't give room for that. I think you should tell her that her behavior is less than appealing and that it is darn right rude to butt into ANY of your conversations, whether with a man or a woman. I don't think this is a time to walk on eggshells with her. You need to inform her in a gentle but firm tone that whenever she see's you speaking with anyone, especially a woman, she needs to back off. If you tell her this in a really nice way, she won't get it. She'll figure, "oh, he doesn't really mean it, he won't be too upset, at least not for long, after all, I'm the one he really wants." Now, I'm not telling you to rip her a new one, but I am saying be VERY serious and firm. Approach her in a calm almost friendly manner and tell her something along the lines of.. "Hey listen, I've been wanting to talk to you about something that's been bothering me lately. We're cool and all, but I need you to stop with the hugging and interference when I'm speaking to someone..." Yes, that straight out. If you're not direct, she won't take you seriously. She needs to know that you're not up for that, you would never do that to her.

Wildcat21 · Nov 7, 2005, 09:56 PM

Monincali - you are right. I am not sure he has the balls to do it though. I would do it. It WOULD be great though if he would - IT SHOWS HE HAS A FREAKING SPINE TO HER, which I feel he did not show her in the past as much as he should have.

Onelife... it WOULD go along way with her, believe me. Not immediately... but in the long run, something would click in her. No more gettng walked on.

Dude, you don't always have to be nice to women. As matter of fact, that's one of theirt tests. Stand up for yourself, tell her what's bothering you and walk away. Women don't ASLWAYS want you to be nice to them, especially when they behave badly - sometimes, and the women here MUST agree with me on this, they behave badly (emotions, feelings) and you have to put them in their place.

Hear her response and say this in response "Ok, Bye" and smile and walk away. Seriously.

Chery · Nov 8, 2005, 03:03 AM

Originally Posted by momincali

One_Life, Why am I the only one that slightly disagrees with my buddies Wildcat and Chery??? Oh no, I hate being the odd woman out, but here is my never to be humble opinion. I think, no I know she knows exactly what she's doing and it's beyond wrong, it's disrespectful, especially when she's already dating someone else and you know what else, I know she knows you know about it (did you follow that?). I think that whenever possible you should behave like a gentleman around a woman because you come off smelling like a rose, however, there are those few instances where the circumstances just don't give room for that. I think you should tell her that her behavior is less than appealing and that it is darn right rude to butt into ANY of your conversations, whether with a man or a woman. I don't think this is a time to walk on eggshells with her. You need to inform her in a gentle but firm tone that whenever she see's you speaking with anyone, especially a woman, she needs to back off. If you tell her this in a really nice way, she won't get it. She'll figure, "oh, he doesn't really mean it, he won't be too upset, at least not for long, after all, I'm the one he really wants." Now, I'm not telling you to rip her a new one, but I am saying be VERY serious and firm. Approach her in a calm almost friendly manner and tell her something along the lines of .."Hey listen, I've been wanting to talk to you about something that's been bothering me lately. We're cool and all, but I need you to stop with the hugging and interference when I'm speaking to someone..." Yes, that straight out. If you're not direct, she won't take you seriously. She needs to know that you're not up for that, you would never do that to her.

Dear momincali, there is no need to feel bad about your opinion as we (the three of us) are on the same wavelength and only want to help and give him alternatives on how to handle the situation he's in, so keep up the good advice as seeing things from different perspectives will help him make the choices only he can make as he's near her and knows her a better than we do and his bells will ring and remind him of this fact. I am quite sure that he know that we are not in any aspect in 'competition'.

one_life · Nov 11, 2005, 08:14 PM

Well, here is an update. Not much has changed. She is still sneeking around with this other guy at work. Makes me laugh, it is really amusing. Doing this because of me. Sometimes I just feel like telling her there is no reason to sneek around, then I remember the office gets boring sometimes, so I need something to keep me entertianed.

I wonder if she is ashamed of him? Or just does not want to hurt my feelings. Then I ask myself, why go out with a guy you are ashamed off, so it must be the latter. If that is the case, she not doing a good job of hiding it, so she can spare my feelings. What do you guys think?
I tell you, I find this whole thing strange.

Chery · Nov 12, 2005, 01:31 AM

Originally Posted by one_life

Well, here is an update. Not much has changed. She is still sneeking around with this other guy at work. Makes me laugh, it is really amusing. Doing this because of me. Sometimes I just feel like telling her there is no reason to sneek around, then I remember the office gets boring sometimes, so I need something to keep me entertianed.

I wonder if she is ashamed of him? or just does not want to hurt my feelings. Then I ask myself, why go out with a guy you are ashamed off, so it must be the latter. If that is the case, she not doing a good job of hiding it, so she can spare my feelings. What do you guys think?
I tell you, I find this whole thing strange.

Grrrrr. She's still under your skin and DOES not belong there anymore, and if you let her stay there, she'll win - don't let her get away with this and don't worry about her hiding the other guy - she'll always have some mystery in her life, that's her nature, but let her play her games with someone else from now on. Go out and do something else, and THINK about something else, please. Stop wondering what, where, and whys of anything she does, just if she irritates you in front of other's tell her off and that's that! You have not found a girl yet to get her off your mind, so go out and do so for your own sake.

Wear heavy armor against her from now on!

momincali · Nov 12, 2005, 02:03 PM

One_Life, I say, sit back and enjoy the show! It's normal to still be preoccupied with your ex's antics, especially since she's in your face constantly, as long as you let it go when you walk out that door. I look at it this way, if she wants to make a fool out of herself by attempting to hide her relationship with this guy, that's her problem. It will at minimum give you something to chuckle about with your pals. It's pretty flattering wouldn't you say?? FUNNY!! :p

Wildcat21 · Nov 13, 2005, 11:08 AM

Here's the deal I really forgot to tell OneLife:

"Don't dip your pen in the company ink" - office romances rarely work. AND now you are learning WHY.

It's a really bad idea to date some one you work for precisely for what you are going through now. It's Always gets messy. They rarely work for MANY reasons.

My advice is for no one to date people you work with. Just a bad idea. Plus there is resentment from co-works.

Now this gal feels it necessary to sneak around.

Let this gal go. Find someone from outside the office.

one_life · Nov 13, 2005, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Here's the deal I really forgot to tell OneLife:

"Don't dip your pen in the company ink" - office romances rarely work. AND now you are learning WHY.

It's a really bad idea to date some one you work for precisely for what you are going through now. It's ALWASY gets messy. They rarely work for MANY reasons.

My advice is for no one to date people you work with. Just a bad idea. Plus there is resentment from co-works.

Now this gal feels it necessary to sneak around.

Let this gal go. Find someone from outside the office.

It is true office relationships don't work, but we were together way before she even started to work there.

So what you really saying is, it is not a good idea to work at the same place as your ex. Well I had no hand in it, she is the one that moved to my dept. She had a second job at the time, but she choose to quit that job and move to my dept.
It is hard to find a decent job in my field, but I'm still looking for a new job. The no contact was working for me (I was healing), until she had to come and spoil it.

Just today, some I don't know (just started working there) was asking me to help him hook up with my ex. I'm usually blunt, so I told him to stick it where the sun does not shine. Do I look like a dating matching service.

Ethier one of goes from the work place and I rather have her leave.

Wildcat21 · Nov 13, 2005, 09:05 PM

Glad you told that guy that.

Sucks she works there.

Chery · Nov 14, 2005, 04:39 AM

Please concentrate on your job! Let her play her games and slack off and make mistakes, not you! Remember, you need your job, and others don't count. If you are not careful, you'll wind up not sleeping well, eating properly, and losing your concentration because she's still under your skin - don't let her do this to you or she will win. Change your routine, go somewhere else during your lunch time and meet new people, or go to a park nearby and just talk to strangers, anything but don't stay at work-place in free time. After work, go to a gym and work out those angers so you can sleep well - this is important to your mental and physical well-being. Like I stated before, wear heavy armor or you'll wind up the one going crazy! The other guy does not know what she did to you, so it's not his fault either, now you might have lost a new friend, if you would have told him about how she is, he might have sided with you and you would have had support at the job, but that's under the bridge now. Just don't let your anger and frustrations take the upper hand from now on. I know how it feels to be 'mobbed' and it hurts like heck, and in a way this is what is happening to you, and you must not let it. I remember way back when you first posted, that I thought she might be feeling you out positively, but it could also have been a kind of competition, and to wait what her moves would be, well you now have proof that she means you harm, and must guard yourself against this and face the fact that there will always be people like that around you for the remainder of your life, so learn how to read the warning signs - but you have to place anger far away from you or you will not feel the future warning signals. Don't distance yourself from other co-workers, but keep a stable cordial relationship with them. They all know what's going on, too bad not one of them has talked to you about it, but maybe your wall is so high that they fear you might snap off at them also. Think about it, please and get your stability back.
No smileys, not wishing luck, just want you to keep your cool and keep us posted. I CARE!

Katiy · Nov 15, 2005, 02:57 AM

You are fun to be around. She enjoys you.