[Mom of 2]

Familyman2, whenever you go to court on anything, you need to keep the other side guessing. The other posters gave you very good advice not to post what your next steps are. Always consult with your attorney.

Another point to ponder: You can present what you want the scenario to be, but keep in mind that your stbx wife will have her own lawyer who will advise her on her rights. She sounds like she will make it very difficult. I just don't want you to be disappointed when you are not able to get everything in your perfect scenario. Keep in mind that if you don't get everything you want, you need to do your best to make whatever outcome work for the best interest of the children.

[familyman2]

Point taken you all. Thank you. My heart is breaking even more now that we're at this point. I never wanted this, but I was given no choice. For as long as I live I'll never understand how a mother would not be willing to work as hard as necessary to be able to see her children everyday. As a father, I would crawl to the ends of the earth. Different strokes and values I guess.

I'll try to remain calm and take the high road throughout. Wish me luck... And again, much thanks!

[talaniman]

My friend, I can feel your pain, but know in your heart that you have done all you can, and it takes two to work together to make a life. As painful as it is, its for the best in the long run, as you will be free of the hoping for something that can't happen, and the uncertainty of the future. You have a chance to forget the past, and find your own happiness without her. Be a good Dad, that's something she can never take away, as you have many years to deal with this female, regardless of your marital status. I wish you luck, and let us know how you progress. It will get better.

[Delilah P]

I've been away and have been checking for updates. I'm so sorry, Familyman2, that things had not worked out as you had hoped. As I had suspected, your wife was playing the 'waiting game' and figured you'd want 'out' sooner or later. It's sad when adults (spouses!) play these games. I wish for you that she would have been upfront and told you how she truly felt. Talaniman and Mom of 2 gave you good advise. Please let us know how things are going for you when you have a chance. Wishing you the best, familyman2.

[familyman2]

Hello all. I'm just checking in. More as an emotional outlet instead of a legal one.
I am feeling two polarized emotions right now. On one hand I miss my wife terribly.
All the good times keep popping into my head. Everything (and I mean everything) reminds me of her. And on the other hand I am so frickin' angry that my wife would have sex with another man during our marriage. I try not to focus on it, but it's tough. And it is humiliating too. Like Tina Turner said, "It's a thin line between love and hate". An amusing side note: At our recent divorce counseling session my wife emotionlessly said that she doesn't want to hurt me and wants us to remain friends. I just looked at her with utter astonishment. The nerve! Does she really think she hasn't hurt me deeply? Does she really think I have any interest in being friends with someone who would treat me like dirt and with no respect?

I don't yet know how or where to start to heal from a cheating spouse. I consider myself a reasonably tough guy, but this has me fighting like mad to keep it together for my kids.
If there is anybody out there considering reaching outside their marriage, DON'T DO IT!
This is something you wouldn't want to do to your worst enemy. It is sadistic, and it screams lack of character. And it causes extreme psychological pain. Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel things deeply. Also to think I was working my off trying to unify my family while my wife was out there having the time of her life, without having any true interest in reconciling is unsettling. She was just letting me wear myself out.

But all considering I am moving forward and dedicated to get past this and get her out of my life and head for good. It is just a time thing. What else can I do?

[Delilah P]

In my opinion.. it's always worth a try to go back to where it all began.. the courtship, the good times, the laughter.. when things begin to wind down and fall apart. It's why I always think going on 'dates' alone (without the kids), picnics, movies, writing cards, etc. can bring back some of that spark from the earlier days. But if someone already has their mind on some other agenda, it won't work unfortunately. I think the 'affairs' behavior you had described is brought on by something lacking in the marriage, something different than what one spouse is used to, or, the excitement of doing something taboo in marriage with another person. Usually, but obviously not always, the wandering spouse realizes what he/she had in their stable spouse.. sometimes in time, and sometimes when it's too late. Reading your post made me feel how you are hurting... I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, familyman2. You sound composed and have all your 'ducks in order'... stay strong and keep your priorities in view. You are young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Get through this and don't look back. Be a great dad and stay good to yourself. As odd as this sounds, perhaps it was meant to be and your soul mate is just around the corner. Please keep us updated on how you're doing, familyman2. You're in our thoughts.

[ddog22]

Familyman, I don't know all the details because I just read the first post, but if it is really out of the blue, hire a private detective and get to the bottom of it!

[talaniman]

Have you gotten with a good attorney and made any plans? I think it important to know where you stand, as your children will be in back school soon. Any drastic disruption will adversely affect them, so through your anger they take center stage. I know your seeing them a lot and continue to do so, and get there feelings as to what they may want as it would end up being a disaster to uproot them from the familiar secure setting they enjoy. I'm not saying act now, but I am saying is lay the legal groundwork now, and as you continue counseling you will have a leg to stand on that's fair to you. You both still must raise the children with love, so you can expect to work with her for a while, but you don't have to be walked over.

[familyman2]

We had our sit down discussion tonight and she conceded to let me put the kids together in the gifted and talented school. We went back and forth on other issues but there seems to be a way we can work these out.

I tried to stay composed as possible and keep it businesslike, but some of the anger started coming up and I said a few choice things to her. It felt good to get it off my chest although I am not very proud of myself for giving in to my anger.

I don't want to hate this woman. I don't want to be this mad at her. Naturally I feel so
Betrayed by her that it is difficult to let go of these emotions. I guess in time it will subside. Maybe it would be nice if she could just own up to her mistakes and give me a sincere apology. I won't hold my breath however. I am really trying to get these toxic feelings out of my system so I can fully live and move on. In a way I feel a little guilty for being this mad at her. If I truly loved her, wouldn't I just want her to be happy with or without me? Again it will probably just take time. And I know I do love her... I mean hate... I mean love... But really, I do love her and still wish things had turned out differently. Like you all have said, this is a good sign that better days are ahead!

Everything happens for a reason...

[Mom of 2]

Family Man - What you are feeling is completely normal. I would not hold my breath for an apology from her, as this will only continue to make you feel down and unfulfilled. I also agree that it is very hard to be friends with someone who cheated on you (the same situation happened to me), but that does not mean that you cannot be civil for the sake of the children. There are many times that I feel like yelling and screaming at my ex, but I always keep thinking about my children and this stops me. I want them always to see me as the one who is in control and I don't want to give their father the satisfaction that he has upset me in any way. Every time that I show my ex that he has gotten under my skin again, I give him power over me. Keep that in mind and hopefully this will help you to remain in control of your reactions in front of her.

You are not the only person who has ever felt the need to "get back at someone" and the best way to do this is to NOT react to anything that the other person does. Fake it 'til you make it I always say. Even if you don't feel happy on the inside, appear to be happy in front of her. Even if you don't feel sure of yourself, appear to be sure of yourself in front of her. Even if you feel sad, angry, etc. don't allow those feelings to show. Acknowledge those feelings and express them to a therapist, friend or other family member but not to your ex.

Keep strong and surround yourself with quality friends and family around you. It will get better.

[Delilah P]

Well, I think Mom of 2 hit the nail on the head. Very good advice, in my opinion. She has said what I would have written. Stay calm, feel confident and keep your head up, familyman2... especially when you're in the company of your wife. She obviously knew from the start of all of this that she had zero intentions of reconciling. She just wanted you to work it through your system. Keep that in mind when you feel sad.. it will bolster your strength to get through the separation/divorce. Once again, read through what Mom of 2 had written.. her advice makes sense. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Patriciardg]

I am new to this sight but I think it is cool how you guys are trying to work this out. The one thing I can say from being a middle aged woman is that women have midlife crisis just like men do sometimes. Maybe she is going through something like that. Maybe you need to reassure her that you love her no matter what she is going through that you will stick by her. Ask her this question "if you could do or change one thing in your life that would fix it to make you feel good about yourself and your life what would it be?" And make sure that you let her know that you will not be offended by her answer because once a person bounces their feelings off from someone else sometimes they come back better.

[Delilah P]

familyman2, how are things proceeding? Are you continuing with the therapist for yourself? Are you having equal time with your children? Hope things are going well for you. Give us an update if you're up to it. Take care.

[Mom of 2]

I agree with the principal of what Patriciardg wrote, but I don't think it would work in your situation. This is mainly because you have TRIED to reassure her that you love her and want to support her, etc. but she was not interested. And that is even after you found out about the affair. I feel that you can walk away satisfied knowing that you tried everything that you could in order to save your marriage, but she did not take the bait. You get to a point where you have to just walk away after trying so many times. I think I gave you the definition of insanity, but I will give again anyway; Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. All people are different so don't take what I am about to write as gospel, or think that it will definitely happen, because maybe it won't. However, in some or maybe most cases, people do not realize what they lost until it is gone (remember the song?) She may not realize what she is losing until it is way too late, once she sees that you have moved on and that you are successful and happy on how your life has turned out. The best way to get revenge in this situation is to focus on YOUR future, not hers. Stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself and your kids. Focus on the things that make you happy and bring you feelings of success. You DO need to go through the anger phase (if there is anyone out there who says that they never get angry, they are lying. Remember, anger is not right or wrong. It is a feeling and feelings are never right or wrong. However, it is what you do BECAUSE of your feelings that may get you in trouble.)

As always, give us updates, as we truly care about what is going on with you. I think that it is because you are a unique and not a typical man. Don't go changing that part of your character and become bitter. There are women out there that would be very appreciative for all that you do. Always know that there are truly good people out there. We (and you included) just chose the wrong person based on what we knew at the time that the relationship started. Good luck to you!!

[momo2lilgls]

Sometimes people use divorce as a cop-out to change the situation at hand. Sometimes it is a gesture to try and get that passion, that emotion, etc. back (providing there is nothing too serious making the separation happen). I feel that a separation, long or short, is well needed with a couple. To feel out things, think by themselves, get a grip on life. Some couples seem to have a more passionate, meaningful relationship after separating for a period.

[familyman2]

Hello all! Sorry to have dropped out for a few weeks. This divorce has taken the wrong turn. I think you remember the last time I posted, my wife and I sat down and agreed
that I would have the kids for school and she would have them on weekends. Then the summer months she would have them the majority. We disagreed on some of the financial issues but were very close to working those out as well. As upset as I was I still was able to keep calm and work out an amicable divorce. I even invited my wife to come down and check out my new home and the kid's school. Then the #$@% hit the fan:

On the day of my move (7/16), I was frazzled to say the least. I had the kids and no other help. Plus, it was a bitter sweet moment having to say goodbye to our dream home.
I spent many years paying and maintaining this place for my family to return one day.

Anyway, as I was loading up my truck my daughter accidentally spilled the beans. She said that mommy's desk fell off the truck when she was moving. I said "what"!? She began crying because my wife had told her not to tell me that they moved, and she thought she did something wrong. She felt like she betrayed her mom for breaking the secret and she felt like she hurt me by lying. It took me an hour to calm her down and reassure her that I loved her more than anything and that she did nothing wrong. I also asked my daughter
why it was such a big secret. She said that "mommy told us not to tell you because you lied about moving us near the new school". This was of course untrue. I invited my wife to come live with us (this was during the time I thought we could save the marriage). So my wife lied to our children and put them smack into the middle of our divorce. A rotten thing to do. So I said to my daughter that mommy didn't mean that and she was just joking.
Then I said did mommy buy the new home? (I knew there was no way she could even rent a home with her dismal credit). Then my daughter said "no daddy it is Jeff's house.
(This is the man my wife swore was just a friend for the past year and a half. She even kept to this story to the bitter end.)

This is when I hit the roof. My day was obviously ruined. My wife had secretly moved my children into an undisclosed home with some man whom I knew nothing about!
And she told my kids to lie to me.

Obviously the amicable divorce was over and the bitter one began. I got a lawyer and told her the story. We filed for an emergency hearing to deal with this problem. I also told my wife that I would be keeping the kids safe with me until this issue was resolved. She screamed at me and said she was calling the police. I said do what you must, but I will not allow my children to be anywhere near that house until I inspect it and do a full background check on this man. I will not allow my 6 year old daughter in a home of a man who might be a gun toting sex offender. We already know he has no morals or sense of honor. What caring responsible father would allow this living condition without consent.

The hearing took almost two weeks. It was a very stressful time. Then before the hearing was set the two attorneys worked out a plan. Basically it stated that we would continue with 50/50 custody for the remainder of the summer, and that the kids will need to move back to the old house until I get a chance to check out the situation. Also, no boyfriend or girlfriend will be allowed around the children until the divorce is final.

So, my wife got off with basically a slap on the wrist. No wonder she feels like she can do whatever she pleases... she's teflon.

So, my wife did not move the kids out, but instead the boyfriend supposedly leaves the home while the kids are in her custody. I told my attorney this and she said it is within the guidelines; even though I still don't know where this house is, and they won't let me do a background check on this guy because they say he is out of the picture. (for now).
Although, my wife is making noise now that the guy will be able to move back this weekend, and that this was just a temporary condition. I know she will plea to the court and they will OK this. It is so frustrating.

I also filed for a complete divorce and have asked for legal custody of the kids. I want them in my home. It is stable and they will get the proper upbringing by a person who understands values, ethics, and education. The other home has immoral adults who let my son walk in on them in bed. (Tell me this won't do long term damage to my son!)
And they let my wife's 18 year old daughter babysit when they go out. This would be
all right if she could drive and didn't have agoraphobia. This is another recipe for disaster.
I just don't think they think things through.

So this is where we are now. It is so unfortunate, and totally unnecessary. Why my wife did this I'll never know, other than she feels like she can get away with anything.

I loved her and looked past her weaknesses. But now I just want her out of my life.
I gave her so much and I did not deserve this. She is not the person I thought I knew.
I know life is not fair sometimes and I just need to swallow this pill like a man.

But consider this: This man who moved in a on a married woman (my wife) is now on the cusp of having my children live with him too. He has basically usurped my whole family.
The family I fought for, the marriage I fought for. Life is unfair but this is a great deal to bear. I just wish that the justice system could set laws to protect honest familymen from this situation. But the judges and lawyers just shrug their shoulders. It's all about financials to them. I wish the law could take my situation into account and award the children to me. I deserve them. Not my wife, and definitely not this lowlife scum.

They are all I have!

A long story... I thank you if you've taken the time to read this. As always I welcome feedback and advice. Our initial hearing is at the end of September and I need all the help I can get. I want to make sure my lawyer has everything she needs to help me properly.

It's nice to be back with you all. At least I feel at home here.

Kind regards.

[talaniman]

Wow. Don't let it get you down, what goes around comes around. Stay strong for those kids and be patient, it will work out okay.

[Delilah P]

Thanks for the update, familyman2. You have a good head on your shoulders. What a shame that you had to experience this in life. I can't say I was shocked by the behavior of your wife from what you had mentioned in past posts regarding her. I guess I'll never understand women who are self-centered enough to drag their children into lies. What I don't understand is that you haven't been told where she is living with YOUR children? Aren't you supposed to know their exact location according to the court when they are with her? I truly hope things work out in your favor and that you are given custody of the children when all is said and done. Please keep us updated. My prayers and positive thoughts are with you.

[Mom of 2]

Yes, this is a terrible situation.

I thought it was the law that you had to know where your children were living. If you have her phone number, do a reverse directory search. If that does not work, try Google.com to find her address. If you find out where she lives, DO NOT even attempt to go to her house, because she may have you brought up on stalking charges or worse yet that you tried to harm her in some way.

In regard to custody, you will most likely get joint custody, given the fact that you have 50/50 custody at the moment and when a trial happens, the courts usually try to stay with status quo. I am only saying this because I don't want you to be disappointed if you don't get sole custody. On the other hand, always ask for more than you are willing to accept, so ask for sole custody with the idea that you may not get it.

In regard to reacting to the things that your children say, try and be in control of how you react. This IS hard because something's may shock you and you can't help but react with anger/shock/concern, etc. When possible, always respond to anything that they tell you with, "How does this make you feel?" This will give you a few precious moments to think about what to say next.

It is a VERY sad fact that the courts do not care about if one of the parents had an affair or not. It used to matter, but not anymore. It is a shame that our country no longer has morality!! At any rate, what should matter is that your soon to be ex (stbx) is placing your children in immoral situations. It IS affecting your children because they are talking to you about it (at least your daughter is). Have you given thought about getting your children into therapy? If there is going to be a custody fight, you will have to go through a full evaluation, which will involve a psychologist who will evaluate you, your soon to be ex (stbx), and your children. I went through this lengthy and stressful process, which resulted in me being named the custodial parent (that the children would live with me the majority of the time). There are a lot of things that you should know prior to this process, so if your situation comes to this, I would be more than happy to help you in anyway that I can to prepare you for it.

My ex had several affairs, so I know how you are feeling about this. He also allowed his girlfriend(s) to be involved with the children, which drives me mad, but there is nothing that I can do about that. The only thing that you can do is to control the things that you can control. When your children are with you, make your time with them the most stress free that you can. Always take the higher road. It is always very tempting to do exactly what your ex is doing, but don't go down that road. Even if it says in the papers that she is not supposed to do "ABC", it is really hard to make sure that she sticks to it, unless you have her followed, etc. A therapist once told me that I had to LET my ex ruin his relationship with his children, and you have to as well. Your children will eventually get fed up with what she is doing and will no longer want to have anything to do with her when they get older. Be the person that your children know that they can always turn to for anything.

Sorry for the long email, I feel that you are going through the Same situation that I had to go through.

Good luck to you. Stay strong and be prepared for anything and everything!!

[familyman2]

Thank you MOM OF 2. I 100% agree with you about the lack of interest by the courts in reference to infidelity. The courts say that they are there to protect the children, but they evidently fail to put 2 and 2 together. In my case my children have been closely involved in my wife's affair, and they have seen them in bed together. I want any judge to tell me how this will not affect my children. The lack of interest in morality, and shoulder shrugs from the judges are directly causing a decay in our culture. Families are falling apart, children are growing up in broken homes, and the judicial system is not doing what it is supposed to do: protect the innocent and work to maintain a sense of responsibility in people. It's open season for infidelity because there are no legal consequences!

I am in a situation now where an outside, dishonorable man is about to bring MY family into his home. Where is my protection? I have spent 7 years developing these children, daily, trying to be a good husband, and now some lowlife gets to waltz in and reap the rewards!? Yes I am mad. I put my career aside to raise these children while my wife pursued her career. I fought for my marriage and my family, and the best I can expect is 50/50? My wife reached outside our marriage, lied to me about it, humiliated me by bringing this man around my in-laws and my kids, abandoned our marriage, consciously broke up our family, secretly moved my kids into an undisclosed home with a man I don't know, lied to our kids, put them in the middle of this divorce and all I can expect is 50/50? Where is my protection? Where the hell is my protection?

I don't want my kids to be alienated from their mother. I want them to have a close, loving relationship--for their sake. But why should I be denied the right to make sure my kids are raised in ONE home where there are high standards, where it is safe (I have a six year old daughter. Do I want her in a home with some strange man? He could have a record, he could keep weapons in his home, he could be a pedophile), and in a home where they will have the stability necessary to thrive in school and in life? 50/50 won't due. I want my kids. In my opinion she waived her rights... I did everything I could to give us both 100/100. It just wasn't important enough to give up her fantasy.

Honestly, if the tables were turned and it was the man doing what my wife did and the wife fighting to keep her family together, how much custody would she get? My guess is somewhere pretty close to full custody. Trust me, I am an advocate for equal rights, but alternatively I have no sense of humor about discrimination.

Anyway MOM OF 2, I do plan to get a child counselor for my kids and for myself. I wish to have this work to my advantage and I would be very grateful for any advice on the process, the conduct, and the content. And advice on anything else pertaining to father's rights.

My initial hearing is at the end of September and I want to have every possible angle covered. This is the fight of my life. I know that it shouldn't be thought of as a fight as much as it should be thought of as a process to do what is best for the kids. However, I feel the cards are stacked against me, and the courts want status quo rather than what is truly best for the kids. So in essence, it is a fight. A fight for what I believe is right.