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tiodaat · Jul 30, 2007, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by Skell

I thought we went over this in the thread about you sending her flowers?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ex-111261.html

You wont get many people here change their opinion / advice in a matter of a week or so.

Don't call her. Work on yourself. Continue healing. Your chances are slim to none of getting her back successfully and i can assure you that calling her now will make them even slimmer.

Thanks, Skell.

Although I admit I would often bring up my ex with my friends, the past few weeks it has been them bringing her up with me--and offering conflicting advice on what, if anything, I should do. It has had me questioning my course of action, especially since she will actually be back home in a few days, as opposed to thousands of miles away for the past couple weeks.

Skell · Jul 30, 2007, 04:56 PM

That's fair enough. And friends can sometimes throw a spanner in the works. Mine did too.

And I'm not saying to discount what your friends say. You need them now more than ever. But perhaps you could ask them to focus on talking to and helping you. Tell them that you don't really want to focus on her right now.

Sometimes friends can be misguided. It depends on whether they have been through it themselves.

tiodaat · Jul 31, 2007, 12:52 AM

Incidentally, today was easily one of my worst days in the past five plus weeks in terms of dealing with missing my ex, etc.

I am not sure if it's because I know she will be back in town tomorrow, or what, but I really feel like I have gone back to square one.

Any suggestions on how I can feel better at this point?

Thank again.

mckenzie134 · Jul 31, 2007, 01:22 AM

DO NOT CALL!!

Your friends will try and help but what you must do is also think have they been in my position check and see if a friend has been there. Probably not so therefore they are talking with what they believe will work not with what they have experienced.

Problem is if you do not call and it does not work out, you will no doubt kick yourself and say GEZ I new I should have called what was I thinking! WRONG!!

Because if you call and it doesn't work you will then say HELL why didn't I listen I shouldn't have called. So be prepared if you don't get her back it was not for doing the wrong thing!!

Well if you call it could be...

Believe people here when they say if you call you will not getthe result you believe you would want the simple reason is if she wants to be with you it will not take you calling her to know this it will take gher feeling that she wants to be with you... When you call I promise one thing you won't have herrunning back you will only have her saying "Itsbest we try and be friends for now!!

Its hard to understand but by not calling you arenot showuing you don't care assome say you are just simply showing that you are a better person than the way she is treating you and you know you can and will get treated better and you don't put up with that. At the same time she may miss you from her life.

Think about it like this why do you want her in your life, cause you are missing her and feel there is a whole in your life and want to fill it with her.

Well if she has no whole to fill then she is not going to want you back is she. But when you are not around and she returns she will start to feel a bit lonely and then this equals her starting o feel that she has a void in her life and when she does not here from you at first she might just test the waters and try and give herself a quick fix by calling you. This is why you don't answer let her wonder what you are doing answer on the second call, your busy now moving on with life no timefor someone who doesn't know what they want.

You should be in no rush to get back with her she wanted a break which you should realise like most here that means break up in a soft way TRUST ME~!!

It means I don't want you at the moment but might want you if I miss youand at the moment I don't have the guts to hurt your feelings cause I feel so guilty!!

Hen after you chase her for a bit she willsay I'm sorry I just dobt feel it and even more when she finds someone else she will say just move on you're a great guy but not right for me!!

SO PLEASE MATE give yourself everypossible chance and even if you think you have something to tell her Don't tell her say nothing and her void will grow and her love will grow and she will want you in her life. But that's up to you now make the wrong choice now and talk to her and you may as well be saying goodbye!!

Now if you want to feel better tellyourself she is missing you and will call, because idont want to get you down BUT pretty sure she will call she will be thinking your gioing to call and when you don't she will have to call and you know what's best if she doesn't call then you have no problems she never really wanted you at all. So youcan move on aftera month and say well she didn't call so it wasn't for me bugging her and pushing her away she just wasn't the one for me.

Don't cloud your chances and ruin this through bad judgement, the idea of working on yourself is great this means you do youtr own thing and do nothing to contact her cause your to busy with yourself and if she does contact you well you can take it from there. But why would you run back to someone who kicked you to the curb... Sure you love her but don't take her straight back let her worry about it caus if she resally wants you she will wait and come on even stronger!!

DO NOT CALL!! DO NOT CALL

hettie · Jul 31, 2007, 02:58 AM

What are we going to do with you eh mate? OK here goes if it was be I would probably be very weak willed and call to be honest but the thing is the trip would just be an excuse wouldn't it? And I know because I have done it you know using silly excuse to call my ex.Now he has someone else and I limit call to emergancies like he needs to take my dogs my dads sick and I need to visit, however my point is he is noew like mmmmmmmm she never calls me and just today I made a comment about his brother also enjoying his new found freedom and he was all like why who else is enjoying there's then was ll right I have to go. Now I am not being big headed enough to thinkh e is thinking great she's out there living her life without me as he has someone else but he also thinks I am not bothered when actually it was a slip of the tongue. Try calling if you want either way you will spend yout ime thinking what if I had or hadn't so what do you have to lose. It may well be she has missed you and doesn't want to rock the boat like yourself I would be willing to suffer a little longer if there was any hope at all hell I am willing to suffer and I know there's no hope lol. You see the week he met his new girl I hadn't contyacted him and he thought I wasn't talking to him now I am like bloody hell should I have called / text him so go with your gut mate and again hpe it works out better for you than me take care and as always keeps us posted

4answers · Jul 31, 2007, 04:04 AM

I did not read your previous post about the flowers.

But your ex's feelings have clearly changed towards you. If you actively pursue her (with a view to changing her feelings) you will increase her negative feelings towards you. If she is going to miss you and being with you, how can she if your always there?

She has stepped back from an unhappy situation and you need to do the same. No contact will let you do this.

The relationship you had is gone ! That relationship is dead, history. She is a single girl, you are now a single guy. If you had just met her and liked her, how would you treat her ! That is where you are now, uncertanty and no guarantee of connecting with her.

If you cannot view this girl as a single girl who you would like to be with then your still carring baggage that will destroy the relationship before it begins. You need space to heal your emotional wound, like she has done. Then and only then can two single people look at each other and see if there is any attraction.

9 times out of 10 there is no attraction from this point, but sometimes couples do get back together, but only after a long time apart... Because the hurt and pain is gone. Give yourself the time my friend, either way you have to. Whether it be by choice to heal or forced by her avioding you..

mckenzie134 · Jul 31, 2007, 04:29 AM

You see the week he met his new girl I hadn't contyacted him and he thought I wasn't talking to him now I am like bloody hell should I have called / text him so go with your gut mate and again hpe it works out better for you than me take care and as always keeps us posted[/QUOTE]

Tge week he met his new girlfriend if you had of contacted him he still wouldn't have wanted you. He chose her because he wanted her not because you didn't contact him. Imagine you liked a gut and was with him and you new he still wanted you and then you met another guy that you didn't like as much would yougo with him because the ex wasn't calling no you would still want the ex. Not calling had nothing to do with it. But by not calling it can make the person muiss you that's why this isdefinately the best optiomn

happylady123 · Jul 31, 2007, 09:15 AM

You guys broke up for a reason. Do yourself a favor and don't call, it will probably just make it harder for you.

SAB123 · Jul 31, 2007, 10:35 AM

DON'T CALL, you may get hurt by what she says to you. She may say she has a new boyfriend or tell you to get lost. Why give up all that healing time you had. I bet if you call you'll be on here the next telling everyone how hurt and wishing you never called. Trust me what you don't know won't hurt you. I have done this and it did bring me back to square one.

tiodaat · Aug 1, 2007, 12:42 AM

Well, my ex is officially back home from her trip.

I feel like I had been doing great the past week or two, but the last couple of days (realizing she would be home soon) have really set me back. In fact, I feel down right miserable again, and I haven't even talked to her.

To make matters worse, I thought I had deleted all reminders of her from my computer, but I found a message she sent me a few months ago.

Ironically, I guess, I was thinking about breaking up with her at the time due to some trust issues she had with me for no good reason (she had been cheated on by another guy in the past, but I gave her no reason not to trust me).

The message reads:

"Hey baby! I appreciate how understanding you've been with me, most people wouldn't even bother. They would probably just be frustrated and shut down. So thank you for being you! Thins will get better!"

It makes me both angry and sad that I was willing to work on things with us--and as it turned out, I was really glad I did as I later decided that I loved her--and that she didn't provide me with the same courtesy. Instead, I was left with her "confusion," not "knowing what, if anything she wants," and other wishy-washy statements.

Today is the SIX WEEK mark, and I feel awful.

mckenzie134 · Aug 1, 2007, 01:43 AM

No contactstay strong she is probably missingyou and you don't even np it

SAB123 · Aug 1, 2007, 07:17 AM

By her contacting you or visa versa you will just think of her. I was 4 months in my break up and was just miserable without her. Now 6 months in I feel as though I am over her but that because I let go and did NC for long period of times. I found out last night it is true she is seeing someone new and it didn't bother me like I thaught it would. But I guess seeing them together is a different story.

s_cianci · Aug 1, 2007, 07:34 AM

I'll go along with option #2 and agree with the friend who's giving you that advice.

tiodaat · Aug 1, 2007, 03:39 PM

Well, I lapsed.

I did not call, but I sent her a couple sentence email saying welcome home, and asking how her trip was.

This breaks my NC of 6 weeks--not really sure how I feel about it.

I do, however, feel like it has taken my mind off her, but maybe it's only a temporary fix.

This breakup thing is much harder than I remember it being, and I am still crazy about this girl.

With that said, I am marking this day on the calendar and going a MINIMUM of two months of NC on my end from this point on.

Thanks for all of the responses in this thread.

samesame · Aug 1, 2007, 04:08 PM

Did she respond? Yeah, it's probably just a temporary fix. I did the same after 2 months. Felt good for about a day or two, than the hurt came back with a vengeance. Minimum of 2 Months? You should make it 3. In my experience, 2 is too short... for you it may be long, but for her it's probably to short. Either way, good luck!

tiodaat · Aug 1, 2007, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by samesame

Did she respond? yeah, it's probably just a temporary fix. i did the same after 2 months. Felt good for about a day or two, than the hurt came back with avengence. Minimum of 2 Months? You should make it 3. In my experience, 2 is too short....for you it may be long, but for her it's probably to short. Either way, good luck!

I sent it just about 15 minutes ago, so I doubt she has even seen it.

I probably should bump my count up to three months. School starts up for both of us (different schools, though), this coming month. Hopefully that will help the time go by a bit more quick for me, and maybe (although I am not holding out any hope for it) remind her of things between us and give her some time to miss me when she is in the back in the grind of things.

samesame · Aug 1, 2007, 04:58 PM

If she doesn't respond, don't panic and call her and ask her if she got it. If she does respond, don't think it's because she wants you back, she's just answering your questions. It sucks but it's the truth. I hope she comes running back to you, I'm just saying in reality it's probably not going to happen like that. Anyway, hang in there and wait it out at least 3 months. Schools a good distraction, and should work in your favor. If you get the urge to make contact, come back on this site and vent or read other peoples stories who made those mistakes only to get heartbroken once again. Right now, time is your friend, and 3 months is nothing, because she don't want you now anyway. I'm 3-1/2 weeks now of NC, because I made the mistake of sending an email, only to be send one back in dissapointment and then now she sends me no responses at all. That's what happens when you push too much. Keep control... 3 months is not a long time. See how you feel when the 3 months comes along. In the meantime go out and have fun. Hopefully by then she'll have contacted you. All the best!

tiodaat · Aug 1, 2007, 05:14 PM

Originally Posted by samesame

If she doesn't respond, don;t panic and call her and ask her if she got it. If she does respond, don't think it's because she wants you back, she's just answering your questions. It sucks but it's the truth. i hope she comes running back to you, I'm just saying in reality it's probably not going to happen like that. Anyway, hang in there and wait it out at least 3 months. Schools a good distraction, and should work in your favor. If you get the urge to make contact, come back on this site and vent or read other peoples stories who made those mistakes only to get heartbroken once again. Right now, time is your friend, and 3 months is nothing, because she don;t want you now anyway. I'm 3-1/2 weeks now of NC, because I made the mistake of sending an email, only to be send one back in dissapointment and then now she sends me no responses at all. Thats what happens when you push too much. Keep control....3 months is not a long time. See how you feel when the 3 months comes along. In the meantime go out and have fun. Hopefully by then she'll have contacted you. All the best!

Thanks again for your thoughtful responses.

I will take all of your advice to hear. Best of luck with your NC, your ex, and life.

mckenzie134 · Aug 1, 2007, 05:20 PM

Do not contact her again. If you want any chance with this girl she must contact you. She doesn't want to be with you at the moment so why are you trying tyo talk to her. She obvoiously is confused so do not put any pressure. Any email text call anything is pressuring her. Do nothing let her go and watch her come back. It's that easy. If she doesn't come back she never was coming back not even talking would have bought her back, but bu not contacting her iif she wants you she knows how to get you. Let the tension grow...

Your not listening or thinking straight I'm sure you feel better sending those emails cause now for a bity your waiting for a response and you feel a bit of weight has come off your chest.

Problem is she may have been sitting there thinking I really miss him and should I contact him I'm not sure and then when she receives your email they tension from her is released she has heard from you and will say to her self his such a great guy but I'm just not sure.

Yet if you go sillent then she calls and your busy. She may then tell herself I do miss him I enjoy being with him I wonder what his doing I want to be with hiom...

Stop the contact and wait it out!!

tiodaat · Aug 1, 2007, 05:24 PM

Originally Posted by mckenzie134

Do not contact her again. If you want any chance with this girl she must contact you. She doesnt want to be with you at the moment so why are you trying tyo talk to her. She obvoiously is confused so do not put any pressure. Any email text call anything is pressuring her. Do nothing let her go and watch her come back. Its that easy. If she doesnt come back she never was coming back not even talking would have bought her back, but bu not contacting her iif she wants you she knows how to get you. Let the tension grow ...

Your not listening or thinking straight im sure you feel better sending those emails cause now for a bity your waiting for a response and you feel a bit of weight has come off your chest.

Problem is she may have been sitting there thinking i really miss him and should i contact him im not sure and then when she receives your email tyhe tension from her is released she has heard from you and will say to her self his such a great guy but im just not sure.

Yet if you go sillent then she calls and your busy. She may then tell herself I do miss him i enjoy being with him i wonder what his doing i want to be with hiom...

Stop the contact and wait it out!!!

Thanks, Mac.

As same and I were discussing, I am going into NC mode for the next three months. I hope she gets back to me on the email, so I can delay my response, if applicable, a bit.