[hurtingforher]

I'm really not sure where to start, but here goes.
I have a friend who is not happy at home with her husband. They have gone through the ringer for 10 years now and have gone to get help many times. Even the counsel tells them to call it quits. And yes she sleeps on the couch and he sleeps in the bed... THE PROBLEM IS ABOUT MONEY AND KIDS.
She has 4 children all different ages. When she had enough at one point she started seeing someone else when married. Later was caught but was given Threats from her husband that if she left he would take the kids so she stayed. This threat has been made many times since. Before I go on let me say he is the bread winner in the house. She has been the stay at home mother/part time worker. She is also a very loving mother. A few months ago she started seeing a man that she fell in love with. He is also very in love with her.
Today he found out that she has been seeing someone else and was very quick to jump on the threat wagon. Please understand she has been scared to leave due to the thought of losing her kids/custody. Her father is also ill and does not want to put any added stress on him. In her mind she is in a helpless situation+does not have the money for a lawyer, nor does the man she's seeing.

Advice please***What can she do to protect herself and move on?

[XenoSapien]

Legal services. File for 'irretrievable break-down of marriage' and attach a restraining order on top of it. Has her husband ever cheated on her?

XenoSapien

[tawnynkids]

If she is in a no fault divorce state her being with someone else won't be an issue. She needs to consult with a lawyer. She can do that for free with a lot of lawyers. That would give her a better sense of her rights and options for the particular state she is in. It is likely that if she is dating someone else it won't have much effect on the custody issue. (Barring the guy she is dating is not a criminal or had serious problems that would cause him to be a harm to be around the children.)

If she were to decide to leave her husband, in order to keep him from taking the children at the time of separation, she would need to file for a divorce/custody herself first. The children would remain with her until custody is formally decided in court, with liberal visitation to him. More than likely anyway. Nobody here can guarantee any outcome for obvious reasons. But it should at least protect him from taking the kids from her and keeping them.

It also does not matter that he has a job and she doesn't, before he starts that threat as well. Having a job doesn't equal automatic custody. As my lawyer told me "if he has a job and you don't it just means that he will be paying more child support, it doesn't mean he gets the kids".

If she is in California by any chance I can give a lot more specific advice if not than this is the best general advice I've got. But I do believe there are lawyers in every state that will do free consults, so she can ask questions based on her specific situation and get the "probabilities" (and she can go to more than one lawyer, in fact I recommend it) for the laws in her state.

I would tell her not to be held prisoner by his threats though. My situation is similar (I have 6 kids though and had no job, no cheating though -not that it would have mattered in my state) and my ex made all the same threats. "I am going to take the kids if we divorce, you have no job, you can't support them, you don't have a college education, you are a loser" blah, blah, blah. I got alimony and the kids and he got all the marital debt and visitation. So, he may think he has a lot of weight to his threats but they usually never do and quickly find that out in court.

[hurtingforher]

She lives in VA and no I don't think he has ever cheated. I don't think them seeing other people should have bearing-but don't know VA law. She has been in this trapped situation too long. She tells me sure she cares like a friend and loves him, just not "In Love" with him anymore and wants out. She's not sure how he will make it due too much needed support. It's nice she cares enough to think of him in that way, but I really think if she's going to buckle down she needs to think about herself. Guess more VA law info would help, Thank you for your replies. Keep it coming...
Would like to hear more personal stories of people that went through the same thing. I also found out that he called the new man by snooping through her phone, called him and made threats to him about staying away or he's going to kick his A--

I did find this, but is a little tricky to understand.
VSB Divorce in Virginia

[tawnynkids]

Here is some specific information regarding child custody in Virgina: Custody and Visitation Law in Virginia

[tawnynkids]

I would also read this carefully, especially regarding Separation of the Parties: Virginia Contested Divorce Lawyer Maryland Child Custody Attorney Law Alimony Support VA MD MA Massachusetts

[s_cianci]

Unfortunately she's in a bit of a bind. By cheating, she set herself up as the "bad guy." That's not going to weigh in her favor when disputing the issue of custody. Her best bet would be to live her life "cleaner than a virgin's honey pot" until the divorce is finalized. That'll be her best chance to show that she is respectable and can be trusted. That'll look good in the judges eyes.

[MsCrabtree]

Ever wonder why she keeps getting caught? Whatever happened to deleting recently made calls? Does she want a divorce or out? What is HER definition of it? Does she have somewhere to stay with her children rent free? Will you put her up while her divorce is being handled? Sometimes this is why women stay. They feel they have no where else to go? If she does, then those people need to express that to her. She must file FIRST. She can go to the local court and do so herself. She must file for child support and alimony. What caused her to cheat? Can she add it to her reasons for divorce? Sometimes alimony is not awarded in proven cases of adultery? Does he have documented proof? If not, then she can simply deny it with a poker face. Is she strong enough to do so?She needs to call or visit a divorce support group asap. Good luck