[shaylee80909]

:confused: Hello,

I have a 20 year old daughter who lives with me. She doesn't pay rent or helps out with the bills in the household. When she first got her drivers licence she decided to buy a $20.000 car, then she decided to move in with a friend which didn't go well. So I took her back in. My daughter offered to pay rent, she paid rent $100 for about 2 or 3 month. Then she said her expenses are too high if I could give her break. So far so good.

She is actually very responsible with making her car payments, insurance, credit cards etc. Then she decided to go to school, they according to her told her she can start school without any out of pocket expenses. She apparently forgot to read the fine print cause now my daughter realizes the school is too expensive and wants me to sign a student loan for her.

She got really mad at me this morning because I didn't sign the student loan for her, she put lots of pressure on me accusing me of being selfish because I don't sign for her.
She also told me I could find a ride from work myself (twice a week I asked her to pick me up) and it would be my fault when she ends up like a low life without a college education.

Well a low life is providing a free roof over her head, cause she might not be able to even get her own place because of her current bad credit. This low life is not getting more then 4-6 hours sleep per night, cause it works a late shift to make a decent income and get's phone calls from collectors who start calling shortly after 8:00AM harassing me because of my daughters debts.

I did not make the decisions to buy a $20.000 car, a $1.600 laptop, credit cards, etc. These were decisions she made, and now I am the bad one because I don't give in.
I gave her my information so she can apply for grants, to go to college but that is not good enough for her.

In about 2 or 3 month I might have to move and told her she would have to sign the lease as well if she still wants to live home, she declined but she wants to be included in the decision what apartment I want to move in to.

My daughter has two jobs, has a 401k in place and tells me I am responsible by law to support her financially until she is 23 years old.

Currently I am so stressed out, that I don't know what to do anymore with her. I love her and want to help but I can't live like this anymore, and I don't think I owe her anything.

[Superfly999]

Lol, first off you aren't responsible for her once she hits 18 because she is legally an adult (in the USA). This case kind of sounds like one I posted on a while back. She is still not mature enough to realize what a kind mother she has. You are not in the wrong in any way might I add. You DO NOT owe her anything, but as a mother I think you should still help her out and love her of course; But, this does not mean you have to give her all the money she wants all the time, it just means that you help her out in DIRE needs and love her through her whole life :). Hopefully she realizes how childish and how selfish SHE is and how unselfish you are being. Some people don't ever grow up but some will; give it some more time and don't ever stop loving your child :). Best of luck.

Oh, and don't give in. Enless you think it is right, I wouldn't give in because that will just spoil her and make her know that she can depend on you for everything.

[toaops]

She needs to grow up.

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to force her to be responsible, tell her to pay rent to you or move out period. Turn off the ringer if you are sleeping in the day time, and inform all of the bill collectors not to call any longer.

Love means being really tough sometimes. This is one of them, sounds like tiime for her to hit the road and find out what working and life is really about

[daydreamer62182]

:confused: Hello,

I have a 20 year old daughter who lives with me. She doesn't pay rent or helps out with the bills in the household. When she first got her drivers licence she decided to buy a $20.000 car, then she decided to move in with a friend which didn't go well. So I took her back in. My daughter offered to pay rent, she paid rent $100 for about 2 or 3 month. Then she said her expenses are too high if I could give her break. So far so good.

She is actually very responsible with making her car payments, insurance, credit cards etc. Then she decided to go to school, they according to her told her she can start school without any out of pocket expenses. She apparently forgot to read the fine print cause now my daughter realizes the school is too expensive and wants me to sign a student loan for her.

She got really mad at me this morning because I didn't sign the student loan for her, she put lots of pressure on me accusing me of being selfish because I don't sign for her.
She also told me I could find a ride from work myself (twice a week I asked her to pick me up) and it would be my fault when she ends up like a low life without a college education.

Well a low life is providing a free roof over her head, cause she might not be able to even get her own place because of her current bad credit. This low life is not getting more then 4-6 hours sleep per night, cause it works a late shift to make a decent income and get's phone calls from collectors who start calling shortly after 8:00AM harassing me because of my daughters debts.

I did not make the decisions to buy a $20.000 car, a $1.600 laptop, credit cards, etc. These were decisions she made, and now I am the bad one because I don't give in.
I gave her my information so she can apply for grants, to go to college but that is not good enough for her.

In about 2 or 3 month I might have to move and told her she would have to sign the lease as well if she still wants to live home, she declined but she wants to be included in the decision what apartment I want to move in to.

My daughter has two jobs, has a 401k in place and tells me I am responsible by law to support her financially until she is 23 years old.

Currently I am so stressed out, that I don't know what to do anymore with her. I love her and want to help but I can't live like this anymore, and I don't think I owe her anything.

Sounds like your daughter is spoiled. Tell her if she wants to play hard ball she can leave. You are NOT responsibly for her after the age 18! It's funny how it's always MOM'S fault. Tell her to get out and get over herself. If she has a problem with this you need to be getting paid rent and she needs to provide for herself. You sound like a really great Mom, good luck to you. I know this will be hard for you because you DO care for her but she will be a mother someday and then she will understand.

That's what I would do anyway:)

[Synnen]

Bet she has a cell phone. Give the collector's THAT number.

As far as going to school... there are a LOT of ways to earn money and go to school at the same time. If she's too lazy to boogie her butt down to the financial aid office, she's too lazy to do well at school, either.

Set rules, and consequences for breaking them. If she can't make a car payment, then she should look into trading in her car. If she can't afford credit card bills... she shouldn't have credit cards. If she can't pay rent, she sure as HECK would be doing all the housework.

You support her until 18. Anything after that is love and gravy.

Tell her to grow up or get out.

[ke5ta]

:confused: Hello,

I have a 20 year old daughter who lives with me. She doesn't pay rent or helps out with the bills in the household. When she first got her drivers licence she decided to buy a $20.000 car, then she decided to move in with a friend which didn't go well. So I took her back in. My daughter offered to pay rent, she paid rent $100 for about 2 or 3 month. Then she said her expenses are too high if I could give her break. So far so good.

She is actually very responsible with making her car payments, insurance, credit cards etc. Then she decided to go to school, they according to her told her she can start school without any out of pocket expenses. She apparently forgot to read the fine print cause now my daughter realizes the school is too expensive and wants me to sign a student loan for her.

She got really mad at me this morning because I didn't sign the student loan for her, she put lots of pressure on me accusing me of being selfish because I don't sign for her.
She also told me I could find a ride from work myself (twice a week I asked her to pick me up) and it would be my fault when she ends up like a low life without a college education.

Well a low life is providing a free roof over her head, cause she might not be able to even get her own place because of her current bad credit. This low life is not getting more then 4-6 hours sleep per night, cause it works a late shift to make a decent income and get's phone calls from collectors who start calling shortly after 8:00AM harassing me because of my daughters debts.

I did not make the decisions to buy a $20.000 car, a $1.600 laptop, credit cards, etc. These were decisions she made, and now I am the bad one because I don't give in.
I gave her my information so she can apply for grants, to go to college but that is not good enough for her.

In about 2 or 3 month I might have to move and told her she would have to sign the lease as well if she still wants to live home, she declined but she wants to be included in the decision what apartment I want to move in to.

My daughter has two jobs, has a 401k in place and tells me I am responsible by law to support her financially until she is 23 years old.

Currently I am so stressed out, that I don't know what to do anymore with her. I love her and want to help but I can't live like this anymore, and I don't think I owe her anything.

I grew up with a mother who helped me with everything. I never had to take much responsibility. It hurt me more than helped me. I am now 35 years old and have 2 kids. It took me years to learn to be responsible. I would accuse her of being selfish and she would cave in. Then she would do whatever I was asking. I now know that I was the one being selfish! I should not have even put her in some of the situations that I asked of her. Some were loans etc. Do not do it. Make her stand on her own for a little while. It will make her mad, but she will eventually get over it. It will help her to learn to be a woman and stand on her own two feet. Good luck!

[s_cianci]

:confused:She is actually very responsible with making her car payments, insurance, credit cards etc.

cause she might not be able to even get her own place because of her current bad credit... get's phone calls from collectors who start calling shortly after 8:00AM harassing me because of my daughters debts.

I did not make the decisions to buy a $20.000 car, a $1.600 laptop, credit cards, etc.

tells me I am responsible by law to support her financially until she is 23 years old.

The first three statements above are self-contradictory. She is not financially responsible and obviously does not know how to handle money. The last statement which you attribute to her is incorrect as well. Unless she is a full-time student, you are not legally obligated to support her any longer as she is now 20 years old. Although she is a wannabe student, she's working two jobs, driving a $20,000 car and has debts up to her ears. It's not likely that she'd even qualify for any student loans. Also, since she is 20 years old, it's no doubt been several years since she finished high school so she does not fit the profile of the so-called "traditional" student who enters college full-time immediately upon graduation from high school. That said, there isn't much in the way of scholarships for someone like her so it seems that college is just not in the cards for her right now. And you are right ; she made her own choices so she has to deal with the consequences. Given her current state of mind, I'd insist that she grow up, be responsible and start contributing to the household or find another place to live. I would not allow her to be a freeloader. With her attitude right now, it's not likely that she'd be successful in college anyhow as she sounds way too immature to handle the academic rigors of college.

[Pook_Myster]

Sometimes you need to be 'cruel to be kind'...

Though it is tough now, you really need to make her stand up and take responsibility for herself. Tell her she can stay, but she needs to pay rent - even if it is $40 per week, something is better than nothing - and something is a starting point when it comes to making her a responsible adult.

[Burl]

This is really a difficult, complex, and very stressful situation. I also have a 20 year old daughter that is living at home. It has definitely been challenging and stressful at times. She is working about 30 hours a week and is a full time college student. We love her very much and likely provide too many things for her but that is what we've chosen to do for now. I have questioned our actions so many times. The old saying, "take it one day at a time" just doesn't help sometimes. For us it has been "take it 5 minutes at a time" more often, or, "take 10 breaths" before saying anything in response.
I have just a few suggestions.
I believe that it is difficult for even a 20 year old to understand the instruction of "grow up", even though as a parent I completely understand why you or I would want to say that. Therefore, I would let her know that you love and care for her very much and want the best for her. These are your primary motives for doing the things that you do and making the choices that you make regarding her. I hope she knows that you're the best that you can.
I would suggest that you require her to prepare a personal monthly budget that is based solely upon her income. This budget must include a savings amount (about %15) in addition to the existing payments and costs that she is already covering. A spending/savings budget also forces one to account for where the money is going. A person can see that drinking sweet tea or diet drinks really does cost a lot each month, that eating out even at mcdonalds dollar menu adds up over a month, buying that one pair of shoes each month adds up, etc. The person can see that if they had to buy there own groceries they wouldn't be able to go to the movies with there friends as often.
If you choose to help with her education I believe that it should not be done by signing a loan application with her. It could be something like $500 per semester for tuition and books if she maintains at least a "B" average or better. If this isn't good enough for her then she probably needs to stop taking classes for a while and save some money so she can go back again as soon as she can. Making money and having it available is sort of addicting for younger people so getting back into school quickly is important.
If you are willing, and have one yourself, you might share your budget with her to show her that you are doing the what you can. This has some potential negative impact so be careful on this choice. She needs to see that it can be done and also that you need to think about your future livelyhood as well during this time. I don't think that you are expecting her to take care of your living expenses as you get older and your health declines. This may happen but I doubt this is your expectation of her.
Our current culture and expectations in the good ole USA are not what they were when we grew up. Whether we have caused this more than the media for our children, I don't know. I'm sure that it varies from household to household. I am also sure that we cannot change it just by having a conversation or two with our children. We must realize it and deal with it the best way that we can.
Forcing your daughter to move out is definitely a personal decision and one that only you and she can make. I think that this is one of those last ditch efforts. The potential for this to have a greater negative than positive impact is present.
Before you make any drastic decisions, be sure that you have a support system close to you. You're not on an island on this. Find a close friend that you can call any time of the day to unload on. You're probably going to need to do that at some time in the near future.
Hang in there, she is worth it. She will probably end up being a more responsible adult than most you know if you hang on and hang in.

[DisturbedRN]

Once they are 18, they are old enough to smoke and vote, serve their country, they can get credit cards and buy their own cars, houses, leases, start college, get married-in short they can make responsible decisions that will affect their life if they choose responsibly. After 18, you are there to guide her, not to do it for her, and be the one standing over her saying "I told you so" when she has chosen wrong against your advice-and she will respect that one day. Unfortunately that may be a while, when she does learn how to take care of herself and see that with HER actions there WILL BE consequences, consequences that had nothing to do with you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let them go, set them free, let them learn that their "low life parent(s)" really did the best thing by letting her figure out how the world really works when they're not around to be blamed and condescended upon, criticized about the sacrifices they have made and are making, cause at the time they are somewhat short-sighted. Some kids take a lot longer than others to see/recognize what all their families really do for them. They just take and take and expect and expect, and if they keep receiving it, it just increases the expectation. Taking care of a family is a 2 way street-everyone has responsibilities. You need to get her to find that law that states "you have to pay for her until she is 23", then find a tent, you can get a roomy tent, 3 rooms even, place it in the backyard, then tell her she has free room, her own privacy for her phone calls and such, free lot rent, few flashlights as a housewarming gift, and a cooler with ice that she can provide soda and some grub to keep her meals straight. If she calls you on it, it won't last long. Then rules need to be discussed and set. That is YOUR house, she is an adult and that ought to be considered, but you really need to have a sit down adult conversation time and make some 50/50 commands with her, You can make this work, but you are going to have to bring the adult out in her. I just kicked my daughter out, and took her little boys, and let her come back as a trial and it didn't work. Back out, she was sleeping in her car, but... she had a chance. She made a choice to screw up again, she didn't want to work 50/50 with me. I love her, and I gave her a chance, and here and there try little things to see if maybe I should try it again, but she is selfish and not ready. So, she will deal with her consequences right now. She definitely isn't where I seen her 5 years a go, but this is her "adult" actions and decisions, and she will be the one to learn from them, and there is nothing she can do to blame me, I made sure of that. I really hope you and your daughter are able, or have been able to work something out. I miss mine, we were close, but its not worth the constant bickering, worrying, mistrust, not being able to depend on them, and watching them firsthand be or turn into something you know they're not. I wish you the best.

[Mella_55]

Much sympathy and empathy with this problem. I also have a 20 year old daughter who work 32 hours a week and needs to train. Similar issues. Unfortunately I was made redundant and obviously started to have to be very strict with money to keep the house and keep going until hopefully I get back to work.

She always says she will do things differently but it is like banging my head against the wall... she NEVER does. This means that it is a constant stress for me, waiting for the next unexpected disaster financially which will impact me. It is so stressful that it keeps me awake at night.

Like previous people who responded to this, and I agree with them all, I try to stand strong but it is awful... it is a battleground. I do voluntary work (so lots of work and no money) When I get home I want some peace, I have to focus on applying for jobs, sometimes preparing interviews... I have to cook, clean and keep things together... I have NO life.. my life is irrelevant and I cannot afford one.. also I don't feel I can invite anyone home, I am talking ordinary friends... because she OCCUPIES the space (a small house).. and leaves a mess everywhere... Standing strong and picking up the pieces while setting the rules is tough. If I sell the car she uses to go to work, she cannot get to work. Yet in our circumstances, selling the car is the first solid final sanction that would settle one of the big problems.. but here I am. There is 22% unemployment for her age group where we reside... and so...

I am actually holding strong but it is every day, every day a battle... It is the worse thing I have ever lived... to the point that some days I don't even understand why some people are so keen to have children. My experience has been struggle, sacrifice and no joy. She would never remember my birthday (I am not fussed about it but.. it just shows).. any other occasion.. it is as if I am totally irrelevant. I don't know what the word 'fun' means. It is constant stress, grief.. and since I am now on the poverty line... treading so close ot it.. I cannot afford a social life.. really cannot afford it. It is miserable. I listen to other people talking about their night out, the holiday they are planning and I work for no money with people who get paid to do a job I can do and I do.

This is the reality of 'charity' and philanthropy mixed with family pressure sand difficulties.

So I empathise.. and it is true we have no choice but to set the rules, apply the consequences and keep going... hopefully.. in the next couple of years as they grow older... we will get there. Best wishes