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Ash123 · Jul 9, 2007, 11:41 AM

I recently dated a woman on Paxil.

She was a charming and loving person.
Yet, when stress piled up she seemed incapable of sharing anything but
Cold feelings. Often we would breaak up, and then try again a few weeks later.
It was very hard on us both. Any solutions from either side of this discussion -
What works to survive the tough spots?

tacramer · Jul 9, 2007, 12:46 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

I recently dated a woman on Paxil.

She was a charming and loving person.
Yet, when stress piled up she seemed incapable of sharing anything but
cold feelings. Often we would breaak up, and then try again a few weeks later.
It was very hard on us both. Any solutions from either side of this discussion -
what works to survive the tough spots?

Does your presence help or hinder the healing... Does she always feel better after you visit..? If not, go on group dates with her... get her around other people that will help her heal... that's the best way to express your love for her..

nauticalstar420 · Jul 9, 2007, 12:49 PM

My mother used to be on Paxil. I learned that when she started having one of those episodes, to give her her space as much as possible. During that time, she just wanted to be left alone, and your girlfriend is probably the same way. Just give her some space :)

Ash123 · Jul 9, 2007, 01:37 PM

The question is HOW much space.

I come back from a trip and she is distant. I call and she wants to study (grad school).

The truth is after a week it's hard to not want to invade her privacy a little. She shuts down from the pressure of school and life (divorced 18 months ago and husband already remarried). So, now I live with a silent phone or a quick text message.
We have now broken up - and though she has said she wanted to have children and marry 2 weeks ago - I am now at a loss what to do. I can just realize it's not going to work, or fight to get the person I fell for - back...

We broke up once for 3 months and she called and wrote during that time to try to reunite. Finally I said yes... Now 3 months later, she is ready to be little more than friends. Hmmmmm

nauticalstar420 · Jul 9, 2007, 01:39 PM

It pretty much sounds like she is keeping you at her back and call, and that is not fair to you. I understand that you love this girl, but if you can't cope with her complicated lifestyle, it will never work. Otherwise, you'll just have to give her as much space as she wants, which could be a very large amount. :)

tacramer · Jul 9, 2007, 05:07 PM

If you don't know this - Couples need others beyond their spouses to handle extraordinary situations.

We can't be everything to our spouse, and goodness sakes, sometimes women need a woman's perspective. Get her active, without pressure. Take up bowling... would she like a pet? How about a bicycle built for two... I mean how romantic is that??

From a counseling perspective - if taking her eyes off her present situation and onto what she enjoys, lifts her spirits, then be that conduit.

You will find that if what brings her life is something you can't stand then perhaps you aren't the right one for her... however...

You may very well find... if your love is deeper, that seeing her grow out of her depression may be all the satisfaction you'll need, and you might learn to enjoy something you didn't before..

nauticalstar420 · Jul 9, 2007, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by tacramer

If you don't know this - Couples need others beyond their spouses to handle extraordinary situations.

We can't be everything to our spouse, and goodness sakes, sometimes women need a woman's perspective. Get her active, without pressure. take up bowling... would she like a pet?? How about a bicycle built for two..... I mean how romantic is that???

From a counseling perspective - if taking her eyes off her present situation and onto what she enjoys, lifts her spirits, then be that conduit.

You will find that if what brings her life is something you can't stand then perhaps you aren't the right one for her.......... however..........

You may very well find... if your love is deeper, that seeing her grow out of her depression may be all the satisfaction you'll need, and you might learn to enjoy something you didn't before..

This is a good suggestion, however if she has made it perfectly clear that she needs space, then you taking a chance at smothering her could just make her mad.

When she seems to have come out of her rut, and seems a bit happier, then you can try taking her mind off things, but I would wait until this episode is over. :)

YCAL_609 · Jul 12, 2007, 12:36 AM

Ever looked into Loved ones living with Bipolar? David Oliver has been very helpful to me. Look him up and read up on his course it's free and only an e-mail away.

Ash123 · Jul 13, 2007, 07:40 PM

Well, this is a tough one. I have not spoken to her now for over a week. We are now "broken up"... I have not called, written, texted etc... still, the space grows. The idea of invading now to revisit things is frought with "danger" - I mean she could just reject me again... there is never any yelling with us... just always a sad goodbye as she points out that she has never been single, or needs time to heal from her divorce... and then she's back again... but now maybe this is it. I am not resolute in my feelings of independence yet and I still love her but am stuck... and paxil is perhaps only a part of fixing this.
Still, our good times outweigh al the bad... for now anyway. So, I am single... but with her on my mind...

aanthonyy · Jul 14, 2007, 03:32 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

I recently dated a woman on Paxil.

She was a charming and loving person.
Yet, when stress piled up she seemed incapable of sharing anything but
cold feelings. Often we would breaak up, and then try again a few weeks later.
It was very hard on us both. Any solutions from either side of this discussion -
what works to survive the tough spots?

If you do not give her space then in her mind you are likely to become the source of her depression. If you give her space but allow her to know that you are still there for her then she is unlikely to get to the bottom of her unhappiness. I know this sounds really hard, but if you removed yourself from her totally and met someone new then she would probably see the light - till then this is going to be hard work for her to see her situation clearly... I know you are trying to help, but you may find that your position is in fact hindering as it allows her to ignore her issues and to project much of them at the relationship.

Ash123 · Jul 14, 2007, 06:44 PM

Originally Posted by aanthonyy

If you do not give her space then in her mind you are likely to become the source of her depression. If you give her space but allow her to know that you are still there for her then she is unlikely to get to the bottom of her unhappiness. I know this sounds really hard, but if you removed yourself from her totally and met someone new then she would probably see the light - till then this is going to be hard work for her to see her situation clearly... I know you are trying to help, but you may find that your position is infact hindering as it allows her to ignore her issues and to project much of them at the relationship.

Space it is... Fun... :rolleyes:

I really should know better... but one day at a time...

nauticalstar420 · Jul 14, 2007, 07:43 PM

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you :)

Ash123 · Jul 14, 2007, 07:57 PM

It's a tough time...
We had spoken of marriage/kids only 3 weeks ago...

I'm confused to say the least, but have hung in perhaps for reasons of my own driven nature and am dizzy now from it all...

L-001-06-H · Jul 15, 2007, 08:45 AM

I useto be on peroxotine, a generic for paxil. I was the same way. It might not be an issue caused by a nerological problem though. After I talked to a recruiter, I ended up just stoping taking mine. Things got allot less clouded, and the issues from back then are resolved. No more problem... try to talk to her, see what's up, see if anything happened to her before she met you, and try to reasure her that you're there for her... if you can't do that... be better for you two to both find someone else.

ordinaryguy · Jul 15, 2007, 09:50 AM

A year and a half isn't very long to heal from a divorce, especially for someone who has "issues". As sad as it is to say, there may be nothing that you can do at this time that will really help her. But you can put yourself through all kinds of hell trying. I'd say give it a rest for at least six months.

Ash123 · Jul 15, 2007, 09:51 AM

Paxil she thinks is helping her. Maybe it is. Maybe it's only a small part of a bigger picture.

did somethng happen to trigger?
Yeah: violent alcoholic father... who recovered to be an appellate judge and father.
Husband who was not interested in her after the first 6 years of marriage. (15 yr. marriage),
And yet she still feels guilty for the end.
2 kids to raise. Grad school... A lot! But the communication is weak with me and her mood drops all the way if a bad week or any doubts with us... still, she is the greatest partner in the world when she is confident. Now that she has walked away because it's "easier to be friends" it may be over... but this is break-up #3 so hard to know what it is... and it's far too serious to be just buddies now.

gigi36 · Oct 6, 2011, 02:04 PM

I dated a man on and off for over a year that was a recovered alcoholic and I strongly suspect depressed. He kept breaking up or taking breaks and for some reason I let him keep calling me and went back with him 3 times. Eventually he panicked and broke it off without warning. I was floored and devastated. We then started talking for 7 months, texts and emails. I then found him on a dating site where he said he wanted no commitments just a friend, but listed all the things we used to do. Another words he wanted me but without my "love" or him having to "love" me which he said he can't do with anyone. I confronted him and finally ended it. I am dating a normal man now. He is crazy about me and doesn't pull away. My advice is no matter how much it hurts, leave her alone. She needs help and won't get it if she has your attention. They need to understand no one wants to live in limbo... its natural to want to love and be together... maybe she'll get help. I hope my guy does although it is too late for us. It was pain like I never exerienced before... I still cry a bit everyday.

gigi36 · Oct 6, 2011, 02:13 PM

p.s. he was so romantic and made me feel like it was meant to be. I was told it was "all good" then he broke u with me days later. We never had an argument... all fun and laughter... hard to believe someone could be so cold but he turned stoic... threw a wall up and I became the enemy. Eventually we had nice contact through the emails and texts but to see him on that dating site when he told me he would never ever date again after realizing how he can't go forward... that was a painful thing to see. He feels that someone else may no require anything from him. How is love such a hurtful thing that they can't feel it or exress it but run from it? I will never understand. I hope someday I forget how very uch I loved him. More than anyone I have ever loved... I am 53.