[OMG]

I'm a recently separated (a few months), newly (found out Monday) frightened dad to be. I've never been so scared in my life because the person carrying my child is not my soon to be ex-wife. It's not that the person who is carrying my child isn't the most amazing woman I've ever met... it's that I'm about to split all my assets down the middle and give them to my ex. I suppose I should also be thankful that the mother of my child isn't my ex, since that part of my life is over.

I desperately want to tell the world that I'm going to be a dad, but I'm afraid that this will somehow get back to my ex and complicate the separation proceedings. I know, I should have thought of this before and exercised the proper precautions... but in my view there are no mistakes in life, only choices.

Compounded onto this, I don't want my child to be born out of wedlock. I am a "part time Catholic" who believes that the church provides a solid moral foundation and instills a healthy dose of guilt to help magnetize the compass of social responsibility. The laws in my country (Canada) state that a marriage must be in the "separation phase" for 1 year before a divorce can take place. So I'm pretty sure that I'm SOL in regards to that.

I guess what I'm looking for here is: Are there any support groups, electronic or otherwise, where someone in a similar situation as I am in can go to unload and find common stories? Also, are there any books or zines or anything that I can read to help walk me through the initial shocked feeling?

On a side note, my marriage was over long before I hooked up with the woman who is soon to be the mother of my child. In fact, it was over before we even got married... I just didn't have the presence of mind nor the steely resolve to call its' time of death.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated (even humorous) as I try to sort through what could very well be both the most exciting and difficult time I have ever faced in my adult life.

[Spirited_nightwolf]

Well, I can't really give you anything you really want to hear. However, I can say this. I am personally, not religious. But my family is. So the whole guilt with the catholic thing, is somewhat understandable. Now I don't know all the rules in Canada but I do know that what makes YOU happy is what matters. Are you divorced for sure? Are you already remarried? I wasn't clear on all of that. If you are already remarried then.. uhh.. you do that the right to have a child. Now if your not then... your not. What would honestly be the difference if you were married or not married to a person who you absolutely adore and love and you have a child? You can eventually get married if a ring and a ceremony make that binding love what you need. I feel that if you truly love a person then That's what matters.

I mean take it as you will but that is purely my opinion. I moved out and am engaded to someone that I love. Are we going to get married... not yet... I have to finish college. Do we have sex.. yes... now whereas you don't want to have a child out of wedlock and are guilted with the religios aspects. I do also know that, especially in catholic faiths, that pre-maridal sex is also something frowned upon. And can you get remarried affter you've been divorced in the catholic church? My grandma wasn't allowed to, but that's also YEAS a go. I mean, who am I to say. But as long as you and the one you love are happy. Then so be it. :)

[JoeCanada76]

Okay how far along is she pregnant. I would advice you and your partner to wait at least 3 months before telling anybody about the pregnancy. Just to make sure everything is going smoothly and just to make sure everything is healthy. Do you know what I mean?

About the divorce proceedings how far along are they? When are they supposed to be rapped up and done? If you have a good attorney, I would go and get advised on what you should do at this time and would it complicate any matters.

Okay, I am catholic as well, and I think that a divorce is not good, marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitement but there are exceptions according to the bible and God, but the church does not always follow the rules of God. They have their own guidelines.

Another thing I am concerned about is that if your rushing to get married just so the child will not be born out of wedlock, that is the wrong reason to get married and you might already be setting yourself for a future marriage that fails?

I do want to say congratulations to you, I hope that everything works out for you, your children and your future partner.

Joe

[JoeCanada76]

My mom divorced my father years ago when I was 3 years old. There was a good reason for the divorce. Yet years later my mother was not allowed to get remarried to somebody. That was years ago as well. My mom ended up getting married in a baptist church. They excepted her, and her husband to be was part time baptist.

Catholics are really strict and often I find that they do not make any exceptions for anybody, so if you find that they will not let you get married again then you need to search out a new denomination.

Another example is one catholic church would not baptise my baby cousin because the parents were not married. Sounds stupid and is stupid. Maybe it depends on the Priest as well.

Joe

[OMG]

Okay how far along is she pregnant. I would advice you and your partner to wait at least 3 months before telling anybody about the pregnancy. Just to make sure everything is going smoothly and just to make sure everything is healthy. Do you know what I mean?

About the divorce proceedings how far along are they? When are they supposed to be rapped up and done? If you have a good attorney, I would go and get advised on what you should do at this time and would it complicate any matters.

Okay, I am catholic as well, and I think that a divorce is not good, marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitement but there are exceptions according to the bible and God, but the church does not always follow the rules of God. They have their own guidelines.

Another thing I am concerned about is that if your rushing to get married just so the child will not be born out of wedlock, that is the wrong reason to get married and you might already be setting yourself for a future marriage that fails?

I do want to say congratulations to you, I hope that everything works out for you, your children and your future partner.

Joe

My new woman could be upwards of 2 months along... we're going to find out this coming Friday with an ultrasound. The reason we are unsure is that the doctor said that a positive on a home pregnancy test isn't normal until at least the 5th week.

Currently the divorce/separation proceedings are in their infancy. We're working on hammering out the separation agreement process... we've agreed on a date that the separation took place and she's agreed that she wants stuff. She was spoken to the priest about getting an annulment and he seems to thing that it won't be a problem... which is fine in my books. The basis of a catholic marriage, according to the priest, is that both parties give of each other freely and expect nothing in return. I gave of myself freely, and I definitely got nothing in return. Our marriage lasted less than a year and we were together for about 8 years prior to that.

My attorney is one that does not believe a separation / divorce needs to go to court and will refer me to one that does, if that direction is needed.

I have no intention of rushing into marriage again... but plan, at some point in the future, to legitimize my family (both in my eyes, and in the eyes of God)... I am an old fashioned early 30's male who believes in that sort of thing for some reason. Not that I am against or think poorly of others who don't follow my way of thinking.

I'm off to look at baby type things and maternity clothes and meet the "other side" of the family.

Here's hoping we don't run into any coworkers... as if the rest of what I've mentioned doesn't compound things enough.

"The adventure that the hero is ready for is the one that he will get." -- constantly runs through my head.

[grammadidi]

OMG, I understand your fear in this situation. Here you are just finishing up a divorce, giving up half of your assets yet knowing that you are bringing a child into this world. You are filled with questions, thoughts, fears. How will you raise the child? Will it stop or slow down the divorce resulting in more financial and emotional woes? How can you ensure the child isn't born out of wedlock? How do you keep this to yourself? All are valid questions. Then you have the excitement of being a dad, the thrill of knowing that the woman you love carries your child, the knowledge that from this day forward, every step you take will be reflected in another person's life. :)

I would ask your lawyer a few questions such as:

1. Can/will this complicate the divorce proceedings if your ex finds out.
2. Can/will this have any effect on the way your assets are split or any support/alimony payments? (Perhaps these can be reduced a bit in order that you are better prepared financially to support your child while still ensuring that your ex is not left needy.)
3. Is there a way to speed up the proceedings in any way to ensure your child insn't born out of wedlock?

I believe you have a misconception about whether you need to be separated a year in order to get a divorce in Canada. Although the Divorce Act adopted the 1 year separation "no-fault no-contest" divorce in the 80's, you can still obtain a divorce under the old laws such as adultery or cruelty. These grounds do not require a 1 year waiting period. I don't know if your situation falls into one of these categories, but you should ask your lawyer. Also, if you are able to get a divorce before the baby is born, you should be able to remarry quickly. A number of years ago, a male friend of mine divorced his wife because she became pregnant by another man while they were married. I went to court with him for moral support because he was devastated. The judge, upon granting the divorce, asked his ex-wife if she had plans on remarrying before the birth of the baby. If so, he was prepared to hurry on the finalization of the divorce in order that she could do so. This was in a Toronto court. In addition, although I was separated from my first husband for 16 years, we had never divorced. I had always kind of considered myself as divorced over the years, then, less than 2 months prior to my wedding to my second husband realized that I needed a divorce, quick! My divorce was granted only 2 or 3 weeks before our wedding, but we were able to do it all legally, and we could have done it more quick if we wanted to spend more money.

Now, as to your thoughts on the Church. Yes, I also believe the Church sets the moral tone of one's life. There are now Catholic priests who will marry people who are living common law, pregnant, of different faiths, or who otherwise don't fit the Church 'norms'. If you are unable to find one there ARE other alternatives. You might want to explore the All Season's Church of Canada. I have recently been reading up on them and it might be just what you are looking for.

I am not sure about support groups for people/men with similar issues, but you might want to check Yahoo Groups. Why not start your own there? Of course, feel free to vent, share, explore your feelings and thoughts here, too! There is always someone to listen or give advice. If I can think of any books later on, I will pass on the information here.

I hope this helps.

Hugs, Didi