[calimonius]

I'm completely beside myself. My boyfriend and I met five years ago, which is pretty much when the relationship started. He's English, I'm American. We were long distance for two and a half years, then lived together for six months, apart for six months (due to visa issues only), then have been living together for the past two years. We have, for all intents and purposes, settled together (we co-own our flat). He's not big on marriage, but it was always the understanding that we were together for the long-haul. Last night, he told me he's not sure about us. He knows he still loves me and there aren't any problems in our relationship that he can think of. He just feels like something's not quite right. He feels he needs some space, but it's a bit tricky since my passport is with the UK Home Office, as we've just applied for a non-married partner's visa.

It was, in fact, when we went to apply that this nagging doubt started. My whole visa situation has been a real ordeal, and all along, it would have been so much easier if we just got married. First, it was an issue of not wanting to get married because of that pressure. Then, marriage just didn't seem right to him, full stop (not just marriage to me). He's really struggling with if he's just stringing me along or staying in this because it's easy. He says he doesn't know what he'd do if we broke up -- probably just pile into work. I really don't believe this is about another woman, which is strangely a bit more frightening.

I'm so upset it's hard to think straight, but to me it seems he's just finally facing up to the need to commit and he's struggling with it. I'm desperate to hear what other people think - I am trying really hard to avoid spending the day crying in bed, but it's tough to go on as things don't feel very hopeful.

Thank you for your time in reading this and helping me gain a bit of insight.

[talaniman]

It sounds as if he has a commitment issue. Many people can go along just fine, but the thought of making it official, makes them crazy. Counseling may help, but it will take a while. Don't take it personally as this is his issue to deal with, if he wants to. You can talk to him about it, but if he does nothing, then no progress can be made. Sorry for your pain.