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AshJ_13 · Jun 24, 2007, 07:22 AM

:mad: Now before people get all 'parental' and 'sceptic', let me just say that I'm sick of reading the same old things with other questions like 'you're too young', 'grow up', 'you're not ready', 'you don't realise how expensive a baby is' etc etc.

I'm 20 years old, I'm engaged to be married in October and my fiancé and I have been together for 4 years and have already bought a house together. Our love is unbreakable (yes, it's true) and have talked about having a baby after my 21st birthday. All I am wondering is, is there enough support out there for us 'young women'? And what is the general attitude towards young women that want babies at my age?:confused:

Does anyone believe in 'the right time'? And it 'feeling right'? I truly believe it is my time and I obviously don't believe in age limits.

PS. Remember, you don't know me so please do not try to talk me out of it.

thebbk · Jun 24, 2007, 07:39 AM

First you should get the wedding out of the way and pay it off. If it is already paid for in full then it would be do you work? Can you find babysitting once you have the baby that is safe? Then go from there. I had my daughter when I was 19, it wasn't planned and I had a hard time of it raising her on welfare and with no help whatsoever from her loser dad. He just caused more stress and depression and I didn't know how to get away from it. You sound like you have a good relationship and hopefully that won't change once the baby comes and he is jealous that his time is cut down. It should be OK my daughter is now a Marine so even with our lousy situation I have a great daughter. It is all in how you raise your child not the situations that are outside forces. I hope that makes sense. I would say if there is something you always wanted to do like go somewhere on vacation or whatever do that first.

J_9 · Jun 24, 2007, 08:27 AM

First let me thank you for the reddie, it is very apparent you are new and do not yet know how to use the site.

Now, on to your question. I don't think that many people are going to get "parental" on you as you are 20 and engaged and seem to know what order to do things in.

There is plenty of support for people who are 21, married and having children. I was 21 when I had my first. As I look back, after my 4th child, I see that I was still young when I had my first and it was a lot harder than I expected.

But having a child at 21 and being married is much much different than having one at 17 and not being married. We frequently have 14 and 15 year olds that want to have a baby. You see, they are wanting this for all the wrong reasons. They don't know what all having a baby, an infant really entails. They want them just so they can have someone to love... babies are not to be had just to have someone to love. They are expensive and hard work.

You say you don't believe in age limits, so is that to assume that you think it is okay for a14 year old girl to have a baby, especially given all the risks that are associated with pregnancy and delivery at such a young age?

Raising a child for a lifetime is a huge responsibility, financially and emotionally. 14 year old girls do not understand this completely. However, someone of your age does.

At your stage in life, 20 and engaged to be married, I doubt many will try to talk you out of it. It is just that those of us who have raised children (and I have 2 around your age and 2 younger) want to inform the younger generations of the many responsibilities of childrearing.

BigCityDreams007 · Jun 24, 2007, 08:38 AM

I know where you are coming from on this. You know yourself best and if you and your soon to be husband want to have a child and it's the right time then do it. I agree with thebbk and I would get the wedding out of the way 1st... Just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons, you're an almost married adult and if you want to have a child then have one! I wish you the best of Luck!! Hope I Helped!

shygrneyzs · Jun 24, 2007, 09:11 AM

Who wants to talk you out of this? Whatever anyone would say, you would block anyway, so what would be the point of antagonizing you?

Having a baby at 21 is not too young. You will have the support of your husband, family, friends, as well as there are various groups of new momsc that get together for mutual support. Check the hospital you will be going to and see if there is a new mom group through them. Or look in the newspaper for local groups that meet weekly. I know here, where I live, there are several groups. Some meet during the day and there are two that meet in the evenings. Those groups do many things - provide information, parental support, ideas in childcare, mutual babysitting, outings, etc.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 24, 2007, 09:15 AM

20 or 21 is not "too young" 13 to 17 is too young, and I though that was where you were going. We get 14 year olds saying they just want to have a baby.

But I will agree, get the wedding, and life started, make sure you have worked out a good budget and are on the right track.

momtobe949 · Jun 24, 2007, 11:20 AM

I agree with everyone, no one is here to tell you what to do and how to do it. There are great people on this board that will help you. I was scared at first but you know it is all worth it. I do agree get the wedding over and done with first, stress is big deal to a pregnant women, trust me I know I just lost my little guy. It wasn't stress alone but that was a big factor, you don't want to plan a wedding and deal with everything while being pregnant you won't enjoy it enough.

AshJ_13 · Jun 25, 2007, 12:37 AM

Hey I just want to say thank you for all the answers you have all given me. I have to tell you, I had been reading a few other questions relating to mine and most of the replies were of people trying to talk them out of it, saying they are too young (to people around my age).

I was just concerned that 21 and having a baby would be frowned upon like the others I had seen.

Also, yes, we will definitely be getting the wedding out of the way first! Just the wedding on its own is a handful let-alone dealing with pregnancy also. And yes, we will get the wedding debt out of the way first. We are pretty lucky that we have budgeted enough to pay it off in good time.

Also, when I say I don't believe in time limits, I mean within reason. I don't agree with really young girls actually TRYING for a baby, but I agree with WANTING a baby. I've been thinking a baby for about a year, but I would get people saying 'You're too young, you don't want a baby!'. Trying is a whole different story...

Once again, thank you for all of your comments.:)

buggage · Jun 25, 2007, 10:29 AM

I got married at 19, pregnant only a few weeks after the wedding and had my first son two weeks after my 20th birthday. I just recently had my second son, I am 22. So trying to conceive your baby when you turn 21 is definitely not too young, physically. Most of the questions we get like this("young and wanting a baby") are from young teens that are not matured phyiscally or emotionally enough to have a child. However, just because you are older, does not mean you are matured emotionally. You can be 50 years old, and still act like a two year old. So if replies were made to people your age, telling them they were too young, perhaps it was because it was because people got the opinion that they were wanting it for the wrong reasons, not financially/relationship stable enough etc to be having a child. This definitely doesn't sound like the case with you. The main needs are to be financially stable enough to support a child(or more if you have twins etc) in a relationship that is stable enough that you will have the support that a new mother(no matter what age) will definitely need. Kids take a LOT of endurance, strength and patience, and its really hard to maintain those when you are running on virtually no sleep. Its important to have that help from your significant other because they can help give you the support and time out that even the worlds greatest parents need eventually. Its also key to be physically ready to have a baby, where as the teens are still trying to develop their bodies for themselves, much less for a growing baby inside them. Also, being smoke,drug, and alcohol free is key. Having a good home for them to come to, with parents that are emotionally, physically, financially ready for them, that is what we try to promote on this site. Not age. But it has been found that with age, USUALLY comes the maturity in all these areas that is needed. Good luck with your wedding and future endeavors. Make sure and update us when you do start trying/conceive. Best of wishes.

ScottGem · Jun 25, 2007, 10:45 AM

I think you need to look more closely at those threads where people are being told they are too young. I think you will find that such advice is directed mostly at women who are unmarried and wanting a baby without thinking about what it means. I don't see that in your post.

I agree you should wait until you are married to start trying, but if you are as committed as you indicate to your fiancée (4 years) and you are financially secure enough to afford a house, then I think you are ready. The only thing I suggest you consider is how it will change your life style. Do you like traveling, going to clubs, spending time with friends? Many of those things will be curtailed or eliminated once a baby arrives. But those are decisions YOU need to make. If you are emoitonally and financially prepared for parenthood, then I hope you conceive quickly.

alkalineangel · Jun 25, 2007, 10:45 AM

I agree with all the others, you are not too young, and you seem to be in a stable relationship. I had my son at 20 and I love being young enough to keep up with him. But I want to say something, and I hope you don't take it as a lecture of sorts, because I don't mean it in that way... Im all for people making their own decisions based on the facts, but I would wait a year or so after the wedding and let yourselves do some things you really want to do, because as a young mom myself, Im now 24, I wish sometimes I could have done some things I can't do now. You have a lot of time, and a year isn't that bad. I had a 6 month old when I turned 21, and I never got to go out and party like most people did, and believe me, everyone needs a chance to do that. Just a bit of advice, but if you feel like you have done all that you want to do and this feels like the next step, then do it.

I agree with what the ohers have said, we do get a lot of girls here wanting children for the wrong reasons, and I like to make sure thye know all the facts, so sometimes it may seem, coming in, that we are lecturing, or being "parental", but Im just telling them how it is... becasue I have been there. And you won't believe it now, but one day, after you have a child, you will be just like us... it happens, like that... things make more sense with the maturity being a parent brings. Good luck!

asking · Jun 25, 2007, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by alkalineangel

Im now 24, I wish sometimes I could have done some things I can't do now. You have a lot of time, and a year isnt that bad. I had a 6 month old when I turned 21, and I never got to go out and party like most people did, and belive me, everyone needs a chance to do that.

My older son just turned 18 and graduated from high school. I just want to say that, being so young, you'll have plenty of time when your son is older to do all kinds of things. You'll be surprised how quickly he grows up and how young you will still feel then.
Cheers,
Just Asking

alkalineangel · Jun 25, 2007, 02:02 PM

Originally Posted by asking

My older son just turned 18 and graduated from high school. I just want to say that, being so young, you'll have plenty of time when your son is older to do all kinds of things. You'll be surprised how quickly he grows up and how young you will still feel then.
Cheers,
Just Asking

Thanks, that is nice to know. It is hard, sometimes, looking back at what I missed...

laurenjd · Jun 26, 2007, 09:34 AM

I got married at 20, and now at 21, I have a beautiful 9 mnth old baby girl. She has changed me and my husbands lives so much, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. Girl, if you and your future husband feel ready, I say go for it! Good advice would be to get married first. You've already had 4 yrs with each other. Only you and your man can really answer your question. When I got pregnant 3 mnths after getting married, my family was very upset, but now they love her so much, and beg us to watch her. As long as you realize that a baby is a huge commitment, and change. Well, and money, lost sleep, and your life will never be the same again! But, it's all worth it!! If you wait until everyone else thinks you're ready, you'll be 40! And hey, the sooner you have your children, the sooner they'll be out and you'll have grandkids!