[huno]

This is probably going to seem very juvenile, but I've been very bothered by a situation I've been dealing with for a while.

Some time ago I started playing co-ed soccer and I've been interested in one of our female players since she joined. She said she had a boyfriend so I backed off, just being friendly. But throughout the season I'd noticed she was overly flirtatious with a lot of guys and was especially close to one other guy on the team. This guy is known for being a complete @$$hole and he's very self-centered; he never thinks about anyone but himself and he's always talking trash, even to his own teammates. Hell, he's not even that good-looking (if you can already guess what's going to happen, skip to the last paragraph :)). He is, however, an amazing player and is obviously talented, and he's particularly bright academically.

She once said she broke up with her boyfriend and I started trying to get her to go out, and to try and gauge her interest, but I wasn't getting anywhere--she was being evasive and I figured she wasn't interested in me. No big deal...

... until she started dating the jerk from our team. This is what's tormenting me to no end.

For starters, she and I have a lot in common, in terms of our personality and our past--and she's mentioned our similarities; much more so than she and the other guy, whom she's often complained about (specifically, she thinks he's vulgar and conceited [she's a devout Catholic], and he seems to not care what she thinks or how she feels; he's told her explicitly that if she doesn't like what he thinks or says, she shouldn't listen).

He seems to put her through quite a bit of grief with his comments and his beliefs, but she seems to just laugh it off; while she's dating him, she seems really flirty with a lot of other guys (except me, of course). Of course, he doesn't seem to mind--especially since a friend of his revealed that he's seeing someone else on the side. I asked her a few days ago, with a smile so she didn't think I was upset, if she was seeing him--"Why do you ask?" I asked again. "No. You know, I don't like to answer those questions."

But at parties, they show up and leave together and they're always on each other, and as I've been told, "Actions speak louder than words."

So what's really bothering me is why I got passed up for him. I don't quite understand what the attraction is; we're all in our mid-20s, you'd think girls would have gotten past the "bad boy" stage by then. I know that "opposites attract." I've never quite believed in it and given how well she and I get along, I am crushed that she wouldn't even give me a shot. I try to rationalize it by thinking to myself that we wouldn't work as a couple anyway, since she seems to be overtly flirtatious and that's not something I'd be cool with at all, but I can't help but feel that I was just rejected for someone I consider completely wrong for her. I think I would treat her with a lot more respect and admiration than he does.

Am I justified in my thinking? Or am I letting my emotions get the best of me? And is it going to help to try and rationalize the situation? What do I do to just get over this and move on?

[MIAPP]

You are justified in your thinking. However, a girl who cannot come to a conclusion that the guy she is with is not really worth it and treats her like crap, usually means she is not worth it. At least not at this point in time. She needs to be able to experience something bad, or get dumped before she realizes what kind of guy she is with.

You should continue to be her friend throughout though. However, you also need to learn to let go and think like she is taken or not interested in your beyond friendship until you get some signals. Stay in touch, but you got to let put your feelings away for a while. It is difficult to do, I know, but you have to because there aren't any garauntees.

I thought the same thing about people in their mid-20's looking for a perfect guy, sometimes they are still not over that phase. They are either confused or still think they have plenty of time before they find Mr. Right, and continue to go out with Mr. Wrongs. There's nothing you can do except be her friend. Who knows, maybe life will pull a miracle on you. What you need to do to move on is what everyone needs to do to move on, mentally understand that she is not yours, and you should be able to deal with that. If you get that part down, then go back to doing things you like to do that occupy your time (friends, gym, music,etc) and also know that there is someone who will love you for all the virtues you represent, and this girl just may not be her. I am having to come to terms with my own situation as we speak. I feel you, just do your best not to dwell on it and try to get your life back in order.