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step2be · Sep 14, 2005, 08:55 PM

I am divorced, and I am engaged to be married. My fiancé has a 6 year old daughter. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 6 year old son.

My children are and have been happily involved in various activities. My son is in baseball and football... my daughter is in her 3rd year of dance.

This year my son told me he would like to take tap dance as well, so I enrolled him. He loves it, even though he is in a beginner class with much younger little girls. His sister thinks it great that he goes with her, and of course she has shown interest in starting baseball next year. I have always encouraged them to explore different activities, because I know someday they will find their niche and tell me what they want, and don't want to do.

Last week my fiance's Ex wife called to say she is enrolling their daughter in Poms and Cheerleading and the class is on the night we usually have their daughter at our house.

So, this week we took her to her class, and my daughter discovered that 3 of her friends from school are in the class as well. Of course she was thrilled to see them, she loved the fact that they dance (her passion), and of course she loved the big sparkling poms. My daughter begged me to join the class, and her ss2be thought it was a great idea and even walked her over (with her arm around my daughter's waist) to the enrollment table. I think it made her feel cool and like a big sister to lead my daughter.

Both girls were excited about taking the class together, but when the EX found out... she was pi_ _ed! She said it was completely unacceptable and demanded that we not do it. She said she wants her daughter to have this all to herself. She insist that her daughter needs to have her own thing... just for her. She is actually threatening to pull her daughter out of the class or drive 30 minutes away to another location, if we don't drop out.

During her verbal blast of me on the phone, she stated, "any therapist will tell you that kids need seperate activities." Well, I have searched high and low and I can't find anything that directly relates to this issue... so I am asking for your feedback.

These kids love each other, and I feel it would help to bond the girls if they share an interest/activity.

fredg · Sep 15, 2005, 05:28 AM

Hi,
The only thing that relates to this is that your ex is being very, very selfish; and, doesn't like you starting some fun type of activity for the child that she didn't think of herself!
Children have the most fun when sharing activities with friends. Stick to your guns, and let the child have fun. The only thing that can interfere with the child having fun in this activity with friends is your ex. Maybe she will keep her opinions and feelings to herself; but don't count on it.
Best of luck,
fredg

Chery · Sep 17, 2005, 05:41 AM

The lady (putting it mildly) is jealous of anything that has to do with you. She is also concerned of losing her daughter when she spends time with you. That's her problem, but she can create more stress for all of you unless you put her in her place and reassure her that you are not taking her daughter away from her. You might need to talk her into a group session to relieve her of her fears. Maybe even inviting her over to see that the kids really get along well and that they want to be together might help, depending on how you get along with her, but reaching out and not making her feel 'left out' might help the situation. You all need to stress the point that being aggressive will not help the kids at all. Good luck.

ranieri · Sep 17, 2005, 10:22 AM

What makes her think her daughter can't still do her own thing. Do not be bullied or pushed around by this ex. She is an ex for a reason.
I feel sorry for her child being used as a scapegoat to make you feel wrong. In the end it will hurt the children this pissy behaviour. It sounds more like she needs to get her own thing going and stop worrying you about what she isn't willing to take responsibility for, her own boring divorced life.
Does the child honestly feel this way? Does she feel as if she has siblings following wherever she goes copying her all the time? This can be talked about with the girl in a delicate way with out her feeling backed into a corner OR let it go and see how she behaves with them in the class if she starts to pull herself away from class, making excuses not to go then maybe.
At any rate, let ex be stupid you can only take care of what's on your end. Maybe daughter told her how really nice you are and caring. Im sure this was hard for ex that feels already left out of the situation. She wants to hate you and you are being nice to her daughter.
If this is important and what the daughter wants is a different class, then it will be. But you got to stop letting her get to you peace ranieri

Chery · Sep 18, 2005, 04:55 AM

This is the part I keyed in on, so I apologize if I offended anyone. Children in separated families are usually the victims, and this is what I wanted to stress - that you should not use them for any conflicts between you. I hope that this works out for all of you eventually so that your lives can carry on, and not just on this subject. I did read from you that you are willing to sit down together, that's great hearing a litle from both sides shows the whole picture as much as you let me see, so Good Luck to all of you for the kids' sake.

A QUOTE >>
Both girls were excited about taking the class together, but when the EX found out... she was pi_ _ed! She said it was completely unacceptable and demanded that we not do it. She said she wants her daughter to have this all to herself. She insist that her daughter needs to have her own thing... just for her. She is actually threatening to pull her daughter out of the class or drive 30 minutes away to another location, if we don't drop out.

Chery · Sep 18, 2005, 11:33 AM

I agree with rys old sis. This should be handled in a mature way without the kids and let the kids do what they like doing, even if it is together. And by all means don't show your dislikes in front of them. They are not doing anything wrong. Life is just starting for them, and they don't need this stress in the family unit as an example. I wish you all the best and hope it all works out in the end - for the adults - the kids seem to be doing fine, so let them keep on. Good Luck.

Chery · Sep 19, 2005, 12:26 AM

This will probably be the last time you hear from me on this forum.. but.

Do you remember when your parents tried to keep things from you because they thought you were too young? Do you remember how school mates tried to get you on their sides? Do you remember every time you were lied to by people you trusted unconditionally because they were your loved ones? Well, guess what, your children catch things like sponges and pick up on all the things going on around them, so this will stay with them forever. They file it away in their memory, but it will eventually come back. Kids are very impressionable and look for guidance from you 'grownups'. So the damage has already been done. What are you (ex, step - and especially the silent RT) going to do about this to prevent further damage? Try and leave them out of this particular argument from now on, because that's what it is - and it's public, like it or not. Get professional assistance to help you handle this and the future - as it sounds like it will not end at this subject, there is too much else involved that has to be cleared by you adults. Life is not kind to any of us sometimes, but we do have the ability to make choices. Berating phonecalls,emails, and more forums are not going to get deep enough to help you. Hoping you make the right choice, and sincerely whishing you all a better and content life, Chery

jabe · Sep 19, 2005, 05:31 PM

I think it's interesting that the mother was looking for her daughter to have some time doing an activity with her ex-husband and the new fiancé found a way to make sure that won't happen. There are obvious issues here and its fascinating the hateful reply to a one sided comment by a new and obviously very controlling fiancé. I love the fact that the fiancé gave you all a very one sided situation with not all the facts and of course the mother gets SLAMMED!!

Chery · Sep 20, 2005, 04:11 AM

I just have to say it, jabe, if you read all of the interaction, the ex-husand is not mentioned much or taking part in this at all - (or did I miss something?). Don't know if you are a man or woman, but this is the first issue you picked up on so it must have hit a soft-spot with you. Try and give people a chance and not be too critical, especially if you don't know them in person. Everyone has an opinion, it's what you do with it that counts.:confused: Welcome to this forum.

step2be · Sep 20, 2005, 06:08 AM

Jabe,

Sorry you were not able to see all the Ex's hateful replies, lies, and insinuations.

You only see my comments on the forum now, because the EX may have finally realized how insane she is acting... she erased all her post and her older daughter's post.

This thing just got too ugly, and post like yours only serve to exacerbate the problem.

Thank you for your feedback, but it is hard to make an informed response with only a partial picture of what has transpired.

I am erasing all my replies today, because this madness has to end.

Chery · Sep 20, 2005, 06:32 AM

Sounds like a very sensible thing to do. Work it out your way and I wish you all the best. Sincerely, Chery

step2be · Sep 20, 2005, 07:25 AM

Jabe,

I just checked your profile... and I see you are the EX's sister.

So, not only is your response uninformed, it's also extremely biased.

By the way, during EX's divorce.. aren't you the woman that called up to my fiance's business and told his employees that he is a child molester?

How sick is that?

Ex, are you really this insecure? You have to have family members write hateful things for you? Does this make you feel better?

Grow up, and let it go... please!

Chery · Sep 20, 2005, 08:30 AM

Goodness! This is really getting bad. With a simple questions on whether children should share activities they enjoy together, this has wound up to be a mud-slinging round-about. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHILDREN?? I thought that they were the important issue here. Now it sounds like my initial impression of the Ex - jealousy, abusive, wanting war instead of peace was not really that wrong. What does 'daddy' think of all this,does he even know? Come on! Please be growups and start caring about the children. If I were daddy, I'd get another job somewhere else and move the heck into another state - this will unfortunately continue unless a professional steps in before you do worse than just sling mud. Sorry this is happening, it hurts me and I don't even know any of you. There must have been love there once, or there would be no child to argue about in the first place. Please try and get back to the focal point in being good examples for the future of the country - the children! https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/images/icons/icon4.gif

jabe · Sep 20, 2005, 12:14 PM

Chery - There is so much information you don't have it not even funny.

"New Fiance" - I don't know what kind of family you grew up in but in my family loving your sister is not sick. By the way how can you be married and be a " fiance"?? Talk about sick! Why didn't you get advice on that? I don't think that's setting a very good example for you children much less my niece.
I still stand behind what I said it was simply the truth.I have a full load of mud I could have thrown out but decided to keep quiet.The simple fact is that if ry meant anything to you at all you would have tried to work something out but instead you are looking for validation for what you have done. Well here you go you have a whole page of advice from uninformed people. I hope you sleep well.

By the way I have a mind of my own and I don't need my sister to ask me to stand behind or write something on her behalf. You are the one who started this thread and I guess you only want advice from those who agree with you.
What a pity.

step2be · Sep 20, 2005, 01:14 PM

I don't know you.

You don't know me.

I am not married.

I guess you have me confused with your sister, REMEMBER she WAS married and had two little girls (your nieces) when she started dating, and living with my fiance'.

Leave me alone, stop lying, and grow up... both of you.

Chery · Sep 20, 2005, 02:46 PM

You are so right Jabe, IT'S NOT FUNNY. Just remember the children in all of this, that's all I ask. All of you are adults and responsible for yourselves, but who's going to be there for the kids. We differ from the animal world in many ways, all herds stick together and protect the younglings. Why can't humans learn a lesson from them. Oh well, life goes on - but at what cost? Sometimes I wonder if the human race is really as intelligent as it claims to be in the most rudimentary things in life.

jabe · Sep 20, 2005, 06:59 PM

I'm well aware of ALL 3 of my niece and who she was married to but we are only talking about 1 of them so try and remember that. You keep trying to antagonize me. Is your need to feel right so strong that you will ignore what I said about Ry? She is the issue here right? You wanted advice about kids activities Right? Its so easy its right under your cloud of hate you keep blowing out. Let HER have 45 minutes of alone time with her father. OH wait I guess you really are not that concerned since you won't go or encourage RT to go the counseling my sister has set up. I'm sure they could address your kids activities issue. You are a very selfish angry woman and I feel sorry for you but most importantly I feel sorry for Ry and if you could just take off your blinders and stop trying to be right and just ACT right She would be so much better off. Ry is my only concern in all of this and I would encourage you to respond to the attempt my sister is making to get you ALL some help in this disaster you have created.
Does any of it sink in??
Sadly probably not.

If you are divorced its recent and you have been living with RT for a year and since you brought it up you would think you would learn from her mistake and believe me RT was a BIG mistake. I hope for their sake he does better with your children than he did with my two older nieces.
Good luck.

s_cianci · Sep 25, 2005, 07:05 PM

Obviously your fiance's ex is a control freak and, unfortunately, is willing to use their daughter as a pawn. She is not concerned about her daughter's welfare or that of any other child ; she just cares about her own insecurity and hangups. Ignore her rantings and continue to encourage your children to pursue the activities which interest them. If your fiance's ex is jealous and pulls her daughter out of the dance class, that's unfortunate and something that you can't control. But don't let you and your fiancé be made to feel guilty as though you'er doing anything wrong. Hopefully your fiancé understands as well as you seem to that what's good and right for the kids should come first.

becky92029 · Oct 4, 2005, 06:37 AM

Originally Posted by step2be

I am divorced, and I am engaged to be married. My fiance has a 6 year old daughter. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 6 year old son.

My children are and have been happily involved in various activities. My son is in baseball and football...my daughter is in her 3rd year of dance.

This year my son told me he would like to take tap dance as well, so I enrolled him. He loves it, even though he is in a beginner class with much younger little girls. His sister thinks it great that he goes with her, and of course she has shown interest in starting baseball next year. I have always encouraged them to explore different activities, because I know someday they will find their niche and tell me what they want, and don't want to do.

Last week my fiance's Ex wife called to say she is enrolling their daughter in Poms and Cheerleading and the class is on the night we usually have their daughter at our house.

So, this week we took her to her class, and my daughter discovered that 3 of her friends from school are in the class as well. Of course she was thrilled to see them, she loved the fact that they dance (her passion), and of course she loved the big sparkling poms. My daughter begged me to join the class, and her ss2be thought it was a great idea and even walked her over (with her arm around my daughter's waist) to the enrollment table. I think it made her feel cool and like a big sister to lead my daughter.

Both girls were excited about taking the class together, but when the EX found out...she was pi_ _ed! She said it was completely unacceptable and demanded that we not do it. She said she wants her daughter to have this all to herself. She insist that her daughter needs to have her own thing...just for her. She is actually threatning to pull her daughter out of the class or drive 30 minutes away to another location, if we don't drop out.

During her verbal blast of me on the phone, she stated, "any therapist will tell you that kids need seperate activities." Well, I have searched high and low and I can't find anything that directly relates to this issue....so I am asking for your feedback.

These kids love eachother, and I feel it would help to bond the girls if they share an interest/activity.

Step2be, Hi!
How sweet these two girls... and what a great mom you sound! Hats off! :)
Question: What does your finace say about all this? Is he the type to stand back and make you deal with his ex-wife? She shouldn't be allowed to dictate what you do when his daughter is with you two. I would run like heck if he won't stand up like a man and deal with her because you and your kids don't need this. It wouldn't matter how handsome, rich or good he was in bed; at the end of the day, you might get a man you won't respect. You could be setting your own children up for another divorce and heartbreak once they start to fall in love with their "new" daddy and sister and this other little girl bonds with you and yours. Just my 2 cents.
Becky

Chery · Oct 4, 2005, 07:54 AM

To Becky - dear, I've tried it all and this mud-slinging will probably not stop. My feeling on this is that the adults want to prove who's best and the kids are only a scapegoat in this case. Bless you for trying. You'll find others who need help here that don't wear blinders. Welcome to the 'family'.