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needsomegoodadvice · May 24, 2007, 10:27 AM

I have been living with my boyfriend for about a year... I will start with the positives, he is a hard-working decent and honest man with values that mirror mine... he is caring and kind and never raises his voice.

Now the bad... He almost never touches me for the sake of being affectionate... even when we are going to have sex.. there is no lead up no kissing etc... it makes me feel very used. He never has held my hand... and back to the sex topic he has never taken his or my shirt off.. which to me is odd.

I have talked to him about this countless times... he says he's not used to being overly affectionate.. I understand that, however the relationship seems to me to lack passion. When I ask him about kissing, he has said that he is "just not a fan of kissing" He claims that we don't have more passionate sex (ie even taking off ALL of our clothes lol) because he first of all is self conscious and he is "not a breast man"

I don't believe that he is cheating at all I always know where he is.. and I don't believe him to be that kind of person. Aside from that.. I don't know what to do anymore... Im terrified to break up with him when all of the other things are good except for the intimacy and affection... But to me those things are important... the complete lack of passion/affection... makes me feel unattractive and like I'm in more of a friendship with benefits?.

One more point is... he has never complimented me... save once recently when he called me beautiful in a text message... however when I read the message my first thought was that he wasn't even talking to me or that he had misspelled the word LOL... I feel its selfish/shallow to leave someone from a lack of these things.. but I don't think I can deal with it.. At any rate if anyone has some thoughts that would be awesome.. and sorry for rambling! Thank you!

DocWill · May 24, 2007, 10:43 AM

Have you met his family by chance?

Lowtax4eva · May 24, 2007, 10:47 AM

Has he always been like this or has this just happened recently. It really doesn't sound normal, have you considered couples counseling, would he do that?

It sounds like the only time he wants to be intimate is to get off and that's a bad sign that he's not atracted to you but the problem most likely lies with him.

SAB123 · May 24, 2007, 10:50 AM

Since you two talked about the problem and he don't want to change, if this is something you feel very strong about I would end this relationship. You don't want to stay with him and 2-3 years down the road you break up over this. Even though he sounds like a good dude, this is how you feel and you can't change this. Find someone who can give you what you need?

DocWill · May 24, 2007, 10:56 AM

I went to school with a guy resembling that personality. Super nice guy, help anyone in need, ask him how he was feeling an he was always fine. One visit to his house an met his family an it was like sitting in a room full of robots, only emotional event going on in that house was bud lite commercials on TV.

needsomegoodadvice · May 24, 2007, 11:05 AM

I have met his mother.. who is a wonderful loving affectionate woman.. and we are close. His mother and father are separated... because his father left his mother for his much younger secretary as cliché as that is... His mom has said that her husband was unaffectionate.. with her as well as the children...
In response to his being unnatracted to me... I sincerely don't believe that to be the case... I think it is an emotional issue or lack thereof lol... I don't know anymore ACK!

needsomegoodadvice · May 24, 2007, 11:07 AM

In answer for lowtax4eva... he has been like this from the start yes... I have let it go this long because hearing about his past relationships and how awful they were and having it confirmed by his mother... made me understand a little bit more where he was coming from... however... I don't know if even love is worth feeling rejected and shot down all the time..?

SAB123 · May 24, 2007, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by needsomegoodadvice

In answer for lowtax4eva...he has been like this from the start yes...I have let it go this long because hearing about his past relationships and how awful they were and having it confirmed by his mother...made me understand a little bit more where he was coming from....however...I dont know if even love is worth feeling rejected and shot down all the time..........?????

If you feel like this now, you will always feel this way??

Lowtax4eva · May 24, 2007, 11:44 AM

Well then I would go back to my other question, would he consider some couples counseling? If he has had bad relationships in the past he may not be able to change on his own, I would ask him if he would as he difinately has emotinal reasons he isn't being affectionate.

Hopefully it's just a mental block that is preventing him from being affectionate, cause the only other reason (that I can see) for him acting this way is that he likes guys and just isn't ready to admit it yet.

needsomegoodadvice · May 24, 2007, 11:59 AM

Lol I almost hope that he is gay... THAT I could deal with... that is a great idea.. although how would you bring that up in a sensitive way? Im a very blunt person who lacks tact lol... I would probably end up saying something along the lines of " the way you act makes me want to bang my head against the wall...so lets get help or Im out" not so nice... but I guess it's a good way to deduce if he is in the haul if he agrees to go. Thank you for the answers!

needsomegoodadvice · May 24, 2007, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by SAB123

If you feel like this now, you will always feel this way???

I imagine I will... that would be awful.. or worse I would just stop caring... but a rather large part of me hopes that it can change (I wonder how many unhappily married people said that at some point lol)

SAB123 · May 24, 2007, 12:06 PM

If he loves you I don't see why he would want to see someone.

DocWill · May 24, 2007, 12:09 PM

If he is gay does that mean your intitled a 2 fer 1 relationship? How does all this sort out exactly?

I said that, should have listened to my boss when he told me over an over , cheaper to keep er. Naturally I am smarter than anyone, so how could I mess this up? Lmao

Sdjosh · May 24, 2007, 12:13 PM

I have seen relationships like this before. I don't think it has anything to do with you. I think this is about him. From what you have said about his family life with his father... I think it is the way he views affection. He may not know how to show it... he may think that by showing it he is showing weakness... he may be embarrassed by it and he may be self conscious about his own body.

My suggestion would be to take it slow. If he doesn't hold your hand... grab his hand and hold it... then smile up at him like it isn't a big deal. If you are making love and he doesn't take off his shirt... put him on his back... you get on top and take his shirt off. Take off yours. Take charge and kiss him and make love to him like you want too. Show him how nice it can be.

It is just going to take time. Its like riding a bike. If he was never taught he doesn't know how to ride it. If you want to stay in the relationship and be with him... guide him on how to ride the bike. Do it by example. You may not like taking charge but it may be the only way he will come to see what his relationship could be like with love and affection.

needsomegoodadvice · May 24, 2007, 12:52 PM

Originally Posted by Sdjosh

I have seen relationships like this before. I don't think it has anything to do with you. I think this is about him. From what you have said about his family life with his father...I think it is the way he views affection. He may not know how to show it....he may think that by showing it he is showing weakness....he may be embarrassed by it and he may be self conscious about his own body.

My suggestion would be to take it slow. If he doesn't hold your hand...grab his hand and hold it ...then smile up at him like it isn't a big deal. If you are making love and he doesn't take off his shirt....put him on his back...you get on top and take his shirt off. Take off yours. Take charge and kiss him and make love to him like you want too. Show him how nice it can be.

It is just going to take time. Its like riding a bike. If he was never taught he doesn't know how to ride it. If you want to stay in the relationship and be with him...guide him on how to ride the bike. Do it by example. You may not like taking charge but it may be the only way he will come to see what his relationship could be like with love and affection.

That is excellent advice! However is there a time frame... and If I am rejected (which won't go well lol) do I keep pushing? And for how long and how much hurt/rejection do I sign up for? I know that at least at first I will be shot down because I have tried before.. but never with longevity

needsomegoodadvice · May 24, 2007, 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by DocWill

If he is gay does that mean your intitled a 2 fer 1 relationship? how does all this sort out exactly?

I said that, shoulda listened to my boss when he told me over an over , cheaper to keep er. Naturally I am smarter than anyone, so how could i mess this up? lmao

You are truly a delight your comments (and reading some of your other postings) have had me smiling all day!

Sdjosh · May 24, 2007, 01:03 PM

Originally Posted by needsomegoodadvice

That is excellent advice!! However is there a time frame...and If I am rejected (which wont go well lol) do I keep pushing? and for how long and how much hurt/rejection do I sign up for? I know that at least at first I will be shot down because I have tried before..but never with longevity

There shouldn't be a time line. It will put too much pressure on you and him. Just take it one day at a time. No pushing him just take small steps. Most guys are stubborn and dig in there feet when you push. You may even want to start slow in bed. Be on top and kiss him. Then next time go one step further and kiss his body. Then next time remove the shirt. Slow steps... you don't want to push him. Just allow him to get comfortable with the situation and hopefully enjoy it.

If he rejects the action... just realize it isn't you personally he is rejecting but the action... because he isn't comfortable with it. Be strong... and don't take anything personal. This isn't about you... its about him and helping him to be affectionate.

But also realize that you can't change him. You can only show him what his life could be like with more affection. The decision to change is his to make.

talaniman · May 27, 2007, 08:41 AM

You've only been together a year, and I think you have a lot of learning to do with each other. Relationships are built over time, so if its real you'll have plenty of time to teach each other about yourselves, and work out the kinks, so that you both are happy. After 33 years babies, and grand babies, I'm still learning and growing, as others said just go slow and take your time. Patients win in the long run.