[helpnow]

Thanks for the guidance, I am still completely devistated by all this and still hope it will work out which is the crazy thing... fear of the uknown

[mckenzie134]

Any Calls From Him??

[rol]

Its normal you are feeling devastated helpnow, I can only think back to when I was in your shoes 1 year ago.

Try and eat and relax right now, you will have no energy to do anything for some weeks.

[helpnow]

Yes he called last night and it is officially over. I told him he should continue with counseling though to work through his issues. I still hope that maybe some day we can work it out, but yeah he is definetely not anywhere near being ready

[Singy]

How are you? How are you feeeling? Any updates?

[helpnow]

No updates - haven't heard from him. Hoping to hear from him sometime in the next month but probably wishful thinking. I am trying sooo hard to just keep my mind off it and tell myself that I shouldn't even bother holding out hope because he obviously isn't pining over me - Is it a bad thing to continue to have hope that maybe one day he will get his sh*t together? I even told him this on our last conversation - that we obviously can't be together now because we are at different stages and he doesn't know what he wants, but I also told him I hold out hope that in the future we can work things out because I do have so much in common with him and enjoy being around him. He said that he didn't want to build false hope but felt the same way...

[rol]

helpnow, for now try and work on your issues and get back to a good emotional state before being in contact with him again.
Right now is not a good time for either of you to be in contact, it will confuse you even more. Right now believe it or not he is really doing the best thing possible for you both.
Take a good 3 months of no contact and things will become clearer with time.

Come here and vent it sure helps!

[rol]

<,tell myself that I shouldn't even bother holding out hope because he obviously isn't pining over me >>

Men deal with things differently.
They shut down their emotions and focus on other things,
Right now he's distracting himself with other things.

[Singy]

Do you think you can take sometime off from your usual surroundings? Go to a different country, with a friend or relative where you can have an access to a shouldeer to cry on too? If yes, take that chance and leave - leave all behind. It will make you feel better and stronger... That's what you need : to be strong! Confident! And positive. I am not going to tell you to move on - I know it is hard - been there. Ever since my guy left for same reasons... Guess what? Things will get better in time. No he is still not back, but no one can tell me to stop hoping, in fact no one can tell me how to feel. A heart wants what a heart wants. BUT it is important that you keep yourself healthy. I don't know how your appetite is, but please try and eat if you can't. My grandma told me just last night that "I did not eat well, therefore no bloodflow to my brain, and thats why I acted stupid" I loved the comment :) So always always take good care of yourself. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. We'll see it in good time. Nothing wrong with hoping. You are only hoping for something or someone that makes you feel good.So I say keep hoping... Hope for the best for you :) If you feel restless and have panic attacks too, that's OK too... It is very very normal. And please do not talk to him anymore... I went away for 10 days afetr 1 month of breaking up, and nthing could have made me feel better. I did not have a "great" time obviously but when I got back, I was stronger. And you need to be strong too...

[helpnow]

Well unfortunately for me I used up all my vacation and sick time in Hawaii - yes sick too, had a kidney infection while over there and ended up in ER... so I don't have any time to go away for a little bit nor any extra money. I am living with my parents now and they are always there to talk, however I almost regret ever talking to them about it because I feel like I just get hostile negative comments about how much of an he is - or if not a comment that a look of disgust. At moments when I am feeling really mad at him then it is OK but then there are those other moments where I feel like I am in the wrong for still wanting it to work out and they just don't understand that. My only unbiased outlet is talking to this counselor, I have my second appt with her today actually.

[Singy]

Helpnow,
OK then, can you drive? Maybe daily tours at the weekends? Do you think you can start doing something you have never done before? Like horseriding, motorcycle course, painting - whatever to kep you busy...
My advice is do not to your parents, you know they will always be there for you but their opinions will always be hostile for him as you are hurt by him.
When they are ready and still have feelings for one another, they come back. It is not always the case, but it happens... You are young, you might forget about the whole thing sonner than you think. Or you might still be thinking about him, none of us know that. But until some things are certain, keep your distance, do not rush off to tell him things, do not start panicking and keep your distance from your parents when it comes to this subject... I used to talk to my mom, she was a great support but she always had hostile comments about him. I stopped 4 months ago. No more comments about him. What if you guys get back together sooner than you or we all think? Your mom will hate him for all the right reasons too -but you don't want that... Not now, not ever... I would also like to advice you to keep your distance from his friends too... They always talk too much and mostly rubbish :) trust me :)

[rol]

Yeah I agree with Singy, do new stuff, keep busy busy,
Do not talk to your friends about this ,as I am sure you have some mutual friends.

The first few weeks are tough, so keep very busy.

[preferanon]

I am so glad I found this thread.
I'm going through a very similar situation. Was with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, living with him for the past year. He proposed, then got cold feet and said he wasn't ready. It's now 3 months since that announcement. He's been staying at a relative's apartment. I've been trying to give him space to work through his thoughts but I'm feeling drained.
There's not another woman, I thought maybe, but now I'm sure there isn't. Just a lot of confusion.
I told him today I can't take this ambivalence anymore. I'm constantly wondering what he's up to, what he's thinking, etc. We've been talking, trying to work through this. We sought out therapy, but nothing seems to be helping him.
In my gut, I know I need to walk away, but it's so hard! I just want him to come back and make this work. Everything was going great until the whole marriage issue came up. It's so hard to meet someone that you really connect with? I wish he would see that.

For those that have been/are going through this, please tell me this gets easier.

[Singy]

Hello Preferanon
I will share my expereriences with you... It will take him months maybe to be back. So all you need is to focus on yourself... Like I said I will try and tell you all of my experiences tomorrow... I understand how you feel exactly. Many of us here do...
How old are you? How old is he? If you could share a bit more, would be great...
One thing I can tell you is that of course it will get easier, but never easy... I was like a ghost the couple of months, I thought I was losing my mind, I could not swallow, I could not sleep... All of that gets better in time... Of course it will...
Anyway I will write more in detail all of my experiences tomorrow... And this thread will make you feel better - don't worry :) It always help to know that there are others and you can share with those who truly understand you...

[preferanon]

Thanks singy. It does help to talk about it.
I'm 35, he's 30. I never thought the age difference would be a problem. In some ways he's more mature than I am. Usually better at I am at communicating and working through things. But this is his first "real" relationship. I'm the first person he's lived with and the longest he's stayed with someone.
We talked about marriage before we moved in together. I didn't want to go through the co-habitation thing again unless my partner was truly serious. My last relationship went 8 years with no commitment. I didn't want to go through that again.
He says he felt pressured to propose and that I pushed him into it.
It doesn't help that his parents are divorced, his mom twice divorced. He wants to be sure he's doing the right thing. He wants to make sure this will last for life.
But, there are no guarantees, right? My parents are happily married and I know that there are times when they fight, but they get through it. That's part of being with someone.

Like I said, I've tried to be understanding. But we get together to talk, we get along, and I just want him to come back. Or I leave him alone and the uncertainty is killing me.
I suggested setting some guidelines to the separation, like setting certain days to meet up and giving a deadline for a resolution. He said no to the deadline.
How much longer can I be expected to hold on like this? It's making me resent him.

[helpnow]

And the resentment will only build - even if you two do end up working things out, that grudge for the pain that this is causing you as well as planting that seed of uncertainty within the relationship will not just go away. I nor anyone can give you accurate advice on what to do because it all depends on him. From your words he just doesn't sound ready and if he isn't and he feels "trapped" which was my exact situation when I started this post well if you two did end up getting married he might end up resenting you for pushing him into something he maybe wasn't ready for... and for you that is not a healthy situation to get into. You need to have very clear and open lines of communication with him and if it sounds like he is making more comments on the reasons he doesn't want to get married right now than it is probably time to move on... than again if he sounds like he genuinly admits it is an issue he needs to work on but wants to work on it to spend the rest of his life with you than that is another story. You said that in your gut you felt you need to walk away and if you really do feel that don't ignore it just because you are holding out hope... a woman's intuition is often right. All I can say is the longer you are put on pause in the relationship not knowing where you are the more the resentment will surely build and the only way for it not to is to gain control over your life and don't be sitting around waiting for him to decide.

[rol]

<<Everything was going great until the whole marriage issue came up.>>

Yeah really wonder how guys can get so freaked out by marriage these days.. my story is almost identical to yours.

Hi preferanon,
It does get easier with time, the first 3 months are the hardest.
Leave him alone for now and get on with your own life, that's probably the best you can do.

[Singy]

It is still to eary for both preferanon and helpnow to see things clearly, emotions, feelings will be altered.. You guys will both be in a roller coaster... All in time... All will be better... You will have awful days, you will also have fantastic days... I go through that still - and been 7 months. Actually, 3 months after the separation we decided to have dinner, it was like we almost got back together, nothing happened not even one kiss, but the feelings were there, he just did not want to commit and he was all away again - I shut him out and got on with my life, he is sort back again in a friendly sense, only we both know it is not friendly... There is still time before he has to deal with his issues. They are his issues, not mine and I don't have to deal with them. I am still in love with him and want him back, but what s the point of having him back if he is not ready to fully commit himself?? So, I am doing stuff, having fun, thinking positive and if he comes back, and if I'm there then great!! It is best that if he is back, he will be back to a positive me, and I won't be there reminding him his issues, he just needs to sort them out on his own...

Also just to say, I can relate to your man preferanon, as your past has nothing to do with him and it was wrong to tell him you can't deal with another non commintment relationship - he is right here, your past belongs to you and not to him... But we learn our lesson...
Don't give him any ultimatoms, don't talk to him, if he contacts always always be positive, for your sake :) rather than him

[helpnow]

Well it has been almost a month since the break up and believe it or not I got asked out on a date - he is a really nice guy that I have known for over a year now but just hung out with in group settings. He knows my situation... what do I do?

[talaniman]

Have fun, go out and laugh, and be enchanting and charming ,and forget your problems for a while. Its just a date, not a life commiment, so enjoy it.