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talaniman · May 23, 2007, 05:52 AM

I have been with my boyfriend (will x now, still hard to get use to) for four years and he has always had an issue with commitment... not just with relationships but with anything involving permanence or planning. We have always worked through it and our relationship has always been very affectionate and caring.

As we see this is not a new problem, or something that just popped up, its been there all along, but hasn't been dealt with, so it never has been resolved. Now that it has caused so much emotional stress, You know what needs to be done and do it. If your both willing.

rol · May 23, 2007, 05:53 AM

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If he had addressed his fears, she would not have moved forward in the first place, so now here we are, trying to work through a big emotional limbo.

>>

Yeah been there and done that and it is not a pretty place to be.

Helpnow : I seriously think you need to take time apart for 6 months . Right now if you stay in this emotional mess things will not improve. I was like you last year (I got a similar speech 4 months before the wedding)and we tried to see each other for the 5 months that followed , this led to intimacy and even more confusion until he decided to be alone. Thankfully at that point I found this website or I would still be in the emotional limboland.

Go and rebuild both your lives independently for 4-6 months. Get an independent life you enjoy without him, and you will be prepared for the situation in which he may decide he does not want marriage or in which case you might decide you may not want it.

My ex and me are still in contact. Time has been good, time really heals, we have not seen each other since October but we will meet soon, He has brought this up twice but he seems to still not be ready and I was not ready either. I feel something is still there, I have very good intuition about things.
Now I'm a lot stronger and happier, a year on and I've built a great life and having good success at work so regardless of what happens I am fine and if my future is not with him there will be someone else.

talaniman · May 23, 2007, 06:00 AM

Well I have asked him this question - why not get help before he even asked me to marry him or why not sit down with me and have an adult conversation about his fear and seek... he said that he felt OK with everything prior to coming back from our Hawaii trip and it was the instant planning that felt just rushed and so he didn't feel this intense anxiety about getting married until post engagement.

When he proposed was the time to talk, but you both got carried away in the excitement, and away you go. You knew his problems with commitment and never questioned his willingness to get married, so you both let each other down and instead of blaming one or the other, see that it took two mistakes not just his. Sorry not trying to be harsh, but we do have to be fair. Communicating before taking action is important to be on the same page.

helpnow · May 23, 2007, 09:03 AM

Well he told me in an email he would call today and I think that I need to take this opportunity to cut the strings for now. I have been going through emotional hell and just can't take it anymore. I need to sustain my own sanity away from him because if this all doesn't end up working out, which I have a feeling it won't... I need to be strong enough to move forward on my own. His most recent email said that he feels marriage is static and feels like it is holding him back... to me that statement reads no hope. Then he ended the email with how he really thinks we should do couples counseling to figure out how to move forward... after his comments I don't even see the point in couples counseling. I am going to tell him this today, that we should both continue individual counseling just to be healthier people but that at this moment in time I need to move on. Whatever happens in the future will happen and only time will tell. But I can't just sit around pining for someone that isn't pining for me.

rol · May 23, 2007, 09:12 AM

His most recent email said that he feels marriage is static and feels like it is holding him back... to me that statement reads no hope

That's true. It could also be the stress he is feeling right now to make a decision.

Be strong and tell him , you understand how he feels and think for now that's its best to take 3 months apart to reaccess the whole relationship.

ceriphante · May 23, 2007, 09:25 AM

The answer lays within you already I think helpnow, I mean as far as your last post reads to me what you have said there helpnow is that you know you deserve more than to be in a relationship with someone that isn't willing to progress into building a life with you, or deserve more than to simply wait around in case things change, which I think is pretty clear from what you've said, I'm truly sorry to hear things panned out the way they did for you this far, but I feel if you continue to know that you deserve something different it will enter your life and you will find some peace of mind in a future relationship..

The only thing I would ask you to do is, say six months or a year from now down the track if he does come crawling back asking you out again, remember the pain you now feel and say no

talaniman · May 23, 2007, 10:12 AM

he feels marriage is static and feels like it is holding him back

Wonder what in his life past or present, could lead him to that conclusion? How old are you guys anyway?

helpnow · May 23, 2007, 10:16 AM

26

talaniman · May 23, 2007, 10:46 AM

I think after 4 years the communication should have been much further along, and you both would be on the same page, and not just caught up in the emotional moment. I still think there is too much left unsaid and undone, and a break might give you more perspective, and let the dust settle on the feelings. You both need time.

mckenzie134 · May 23, 2007, 03:55 PM

helpnow your doing the right thing tell him your moving on either way this is best for you. Like i said he needs to realise your no longer waiting and really why should you be waiting on someone else < putting your life and your future in his hand< its your future you make ythe decisioms and telling him your gone that will leave him on his own and he won't like that> at the moment he knows he still has you that's why he brings up couples counseling.

Hell you know what you want so why the hell do you need counseling. You don not need it!! So tell him. I believe you are trying to say maybe you both need counseling so it looks like you are both working towards something. You need tyo step back and notice you don't need it why do you need it you know exactly what you want. Let him know your moving on he can stick to his counseling and lose you.! simple

helpnow · May 23, 2007, 10:18 PM

So today I luckily had prepared to end the agony of waiting and cut the strings, and good thing because he called and if I hadn't mentally prepared myself I would probably be falling apart right now because he kind of beat me to the punch and wants to completely break it off. He is going to continue with counseling to work on himself and I am going my own way. Only time will tell I suppose. Still have hope in my heart that some day we will work through it, but now is most definetely not that time.

mckenzie134 · May 23, 2007, 10:43 PM

I think he has someone else sorry about the bad news. Don't worry he may not but what you MUST do now is if you have any of his stuff or whatever give everything back pack away anything you have of his give it to him. DO IT NOW> Don't hold onto anything in hope show him you are going yes GONE> If he doesn't want you and said this he does not get any contact with you at all NONE. He does not get to be part of your life NOW... GONE
THIS IS THE ONLY ONLY YES ONLY WAY FOR YOU!!

Its very hard though very very hard to do this. But either way if you hang around someone who said they don't want you the Won't WILL NOT CHANGE THERE MIND

ceriphante · May 23, 2007, 10:52 PM

Aye it really does sound like he's already hooking up with someone else bigtime
In all seriousness spend some time alone learn to love living YOUR OWN life for about six months then maybe rejoin the single and looking category..
OK so now it seems like hell probably but... in a year or two from now you will be actually GLAD you got this guy out of your life.. now the trick is to keep him out of your life..

Good luck!!

rol · May 24, 2007, 12:48 AM

I would not agree that there is someone else. My ex told me almost the same lines and there was no one else. He also thought that marriage is static and could hold him back as he is very proactive.

That's good you were mentally prepared helpnow and it is probably the best for you now.

Take care.

ceriphante · May 24, 2007, 02:03 AM

How the hell can marriage be called static? Jeez.. what's up with guys these days..
And you know what, screw being sad about it, seriously ladies (Rol and Helpnow (or guys whatever the case may be don't be offended.. I literally have no way of knowing this is the net! )) without further digression... congratulations on your freedom and being able to live a life without being controlled domineered or otherwise negatively influenced.

rol · May 24, 2007, 02:12 AM

<<jeez.. what's up with guys these days.. >>

One thing I have learned, these days a guy really needs to have thought a lot and carefully
About what he is proposing when he proposes.

There is too much freedom about these days and it is hard for a guy to think of "forever"

Im not sure if this was always the case or if it just applies to guys who are proactive and career minded.

I have been talking to some other male friends of mine who recently got married/engaged, they also told me that they did not really think of what marriage meant until they proposed and then it made them quite anxious.

rol · May 24, 2007, 02:14 AM

<<congratulations on your freedom and being able to live a life without being controlled domineered or otherwise negatively influenced.>

Thanks, but I for one have never been controlled , domineered or negatively influenced..

sovaira · May 24, 2007, 02:17 AM

I had been through a same situtation .I would say it is always good for you that happens on its own.if he left you n went away it is good rather best ,if he doesnot care for u , y should u.u will someday find a better one to marry.just wait and watch.I had been in this relation for 6 years and he left me this way.

Singy · May 24, 2007, 02:17 AM

My advice would be a change of scenery... If you can take the time off, do so... Go somewhere you have not been before, or to a friends hopefully in a different country... It will be very helpful. Do not prepare yourself to anything... Just be... You will feel awful, stressed, unhappy at times, and go through an emotional roller coaster... And that's OK...
This is the time to do something brand new in your life... Start with a new brand of sporting activity... Sweat it all off...

And please do not start thinking all the why's he broke it off... I believe that a commitment phobia is serious and he needs to sort that out on his own time... Nothing is certain. You don't know if there is someone else or not... I believe there is not, there are cases where men break it off and immediately start seeing someone else, just so they won't think about your relationship... I have been in your situation 6 months ago... He started seeing someone else after 4 weeks!! And that lasted for 3 months...

There is always hope, but in order to be and sound rational, you need to focus on you... And I would not advise you to go, and create dramatic scenes... You will have all sorts of feelings :denial, anger... So if you want him back, don't act so soon on stuff.. Just take like a month without contact... Let him wonder what is up with you and contact you...

Singy · May 24, 2007, 02:31 AM

It would be hard to move on just because people tell you to move on...
It would be ideal... but it's not happening, it is feelings we are all talking about... No point in telling people how they should feel...
But one thing you can do is to add a plus in your personal life... Learn something new... and feel whatever it is you are going to feel... No advice, no words can change how you are going to feel...
Should you guys contact after a while you will have to tell him and show him how freedom he has given you turned into something positive for you :))))

Let him be helpnow... whether there is someone else or not, let him be... Do not call or write to him... Keep him out - he will be in your thoughts and keep him there... but keeping it to yourself WILL make him wonder... (by keeping it to yourself I mean you keep your thought and feeling away from him, otherwise don't keep them bottled up)

Counselling is always a great help... Go to a counsellor...

When you asked for help, did you mean help you in the sense that you want him back and looking for advise to get him back, or ask for help in order to move on quickly? I believe you want him back, so at the moment keep calm and don't do anything dramatic...