[SouthernBelle06]

I found this article on the web and it has some good advice that may help a lot of people here:

Getting Through a Breakup

One of the most difficult things about human emotions is that we cannot control whom we chose to love. And, perhaps even tougher is the fact that we cannot control whether someone we love, loves us back in return.

When a relationship doesn't work out the way we hoped it would, it can lead to a host of painful feelings including: heartache, feeling unworthy, unattractive, or unlovable. You may feel depressed, angry, hopeless, or frustrated. You may even feel like you are drowning in a pool of self-pity.

You feel dreadful and sad and as if you will never be able to have the life that you have envisioned for yourself without the person you love. You may feel that you will never meet anyone again like the person you love. You may even have convinced yourself that you are willing to continue to see that person under any circumstances. So what if they cheated on you; so what if they only want to be friends, I can do that; OK he/she needs their space or time to think, I can hang on until they realize that I am the one for them.

It is often hard to recognize when it is time to let go of a bad relationship because every fiber of your being wants to be with the one you love. But, when they do not love you back in return, or if their feelings have shifted to that of friendship or they have met someone else, or if the relationship is based on dishonesty or abuse, it is TIME TO LET GO and to move on with your own life.

But while you may know in your heart that the relationship is not working out and that you should let it go, actually letting go can be a difficult and painful process. What follows are a few ideas that have helped others in surviving the breakup of a love relationship.

1.) Create a time and place for you to heal. This means several things.

* If you have possessions that belong to the other person which were not intended as gifts, give them back to them.

Having these items around will cause you pain every time you look at them. You do not need to do this in person. In fact seeing them again will only cause you further pain. Consider asking a mutual friend to return the items for you or mail them to the other person. No note is required. Or if you feel you must, a simple: though you would want these back- is all that is required. Do not expect a note or call in return. You are doing this to break ties with this person, not to create more!

* Remove physical reminders of the person such as photos of them or of the two of you together, cards, pictures on your computer or desktop, speed dial setting on your phone, phone messages they have left for you, e-mails etc.

You do not need to destroy these but put them in an envelope and give them to a trusted friend, send them home or get them out of your way for the time being. Again, the idea is to provide yourself an environment that doesn't constantly remind you of them.

* Try to create a supportive environment for yourself. Redecorate your room, put away the music, DVDs, etc. that the two of your used to listen to or watch together. Change as much as possible that reminds you of the other person.

2.) Be patient with yourself.It will take time for you to get over a breakup. The heart wants what the heart wants. While you may fall in love very quickly it will generally take some time to get over a relationship. How much time it takes depends on how much you support yourself during this time and how much support you get from others such as trusted friends and family, or from a counselor or therapist.

3.) Look to others for support. It can be difficult for you to ask for help. Especially if your friends did not like the person you love and miss. Ask them for support anyway. If you feel like you are being a burden on your friends remember that this is something we all go through at sometime in our lives. You will be there for them when it is their time to need your help and support. Talk to several friends. That way you will get the support and caring of several people and are less likely to feel like you may be taking advantage of any one person. Each time you talk about your feelings the pain will be slightly lessened. Talking about your feelings really does help. And, yes, men do talk about their feelings. It isn't only women. You might try talking to someone from the opposite sex. Often women and men will have different views on the same situation. You may find that you get especially useful advice and support from those who are not the same gender as you are.

4.) Pamper yourself. This is a time to be gentle with yourself. Try not to take on any major new responsibilities at this time unless you believe that it will help you to recover. You might try starting a new hobby, changing your hair or clothes, beginning an exercise plan (great for stress relieve). Try to eat well, to get enough sleep, and to focus on the things that will further your school and/or work life. Much has been written about how helpful meditation can be, especially during times of stress. In general be as kind to yourself as you can.

5.) Take advantage of the help that is available to you. The Center for Women & Men B44 Student Activities Center is available for drop in counseling. All services are free and confidential. The Center for Women and Men also has several books that can be checked out on the topic of surviving a breakup.

Student Psychological Services (in Wooden West) provides therapeutic support for students as well as offering a variety of support groups that may be helpful to you at this time.

6.) Hang in there. Although it may not feel like it now, you will survive this and will be in other and more satisfying relationships in the future. By letting yourself grieve the loss of this relationship and letting it go you are creating the possibility of an even better relationship in your future. Use this as a learning experience and let yourself move on. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone they love, who also loves them in return. By letting go of a relationship that is not working you are moving closer to that relationship.

7.) Don't waste your time reliving the past. After a breakup it is common to think about past events and even to rerun conversations in your head. You may want to endlessly review every encounter you had with your ex in the hope that it will lead to a different outcome. Save yourself the time and more importantly save your own sanity. No amount of analysis will make someone love you. The best you can do is to be yourself and to look for someone who will appreciate that genuine person. That is not to say that we are not all responsible for our own behavior. If you cheated on your ex, lied, were clinging and overly needy, jealous, or engaged in other behavior that even you don't like about yourself, then by all means do work on those elements of your personality. But do it for yourself not because you think it will change their feelings about you. Life seldom offers a “do-over”. You can't change the past but you can affect the future by being your best self. So stop beating yourself up over the past and move on.

8.) Let GoWhen a love relationship is over it is over. Don't call your ex or try to get to them even through friends or family. It will make you look pathetic to your ex and more importantly to you! Save your own dignity by accepting a rejection if it comes and move on. If you engage in compulsive calling (just to hear their voice) or find excuses to have to call them (I thought you would remember the name of that Chinese restaurant we went to) it will lower yourself esteem in your own eyes and if carried to extremes may even subject you to legal action for “stalking” your ex. Don't go there. No one is worth it. I'll say that again, NO ONE IS WORTH IT. Find a good friend or two to call when you really feel like calling your ex. Make it clear to them that you don't think it is in your best interest to call him/her but that you feel like you can't help yourself. Talking about your feelings instead of acting on them will help you to get over your ex faster and with less pain. Let others help you.

9.) Don't try to be your ex's friend right now.When you are trying to get over a breakup is no time to try to be your ex's friend. You may eventually be able to have a good friendship but when you are still in love with them isn't the time. Don't let yourself settle for crumbs by being their “friend” when you are really a lover hoping that they will change their mind and love you too. That almost never happens and comes at the expense of your sanity and your ability to heal and move on with your life.


(This exact article came from the website whose link I provided below. I bolded the last paragraph from the article about friendships with the ex because it is a huge mistake many people on here (myself included) always make after a breakup.)

The link is: UCLA CWM - Relationships & Dating

[Clough]

Thank you for sharing!

[SouthernBelle06]

You are welcome Clough. I especially liked the last few paragraphs that tells us why we should leave our exes alone when they break up with us and why it's best to not try the "friends" thing right away when we still really want them back. So many posts lately seem to struggle with these particular things.

[CincyOhioGirl]

Thanks. It should be called how not to turn into a stalker! :rolleyes:

[SouthernBelle06]

Cincy, I don't think that I could ever have been considered a "stalker" by a long shot when my ex broke up with me (lol), but I wish that I had seen this article at the time of my last breakup. Though I am doing much better now, at the time of the breakup, I felt every one of the rotten feelings that this article mentioned, had the same feelings, went through the self-blame, the depression, and tried to do the "friends" thing when I really wanted him back just to hold on to him any way that I could. That's why this article kind of "spoke" to me I guess you could say. I could really relate to it.