[Beachgrl]

I have a daughter who is about to turn 4 and her father has not seen her in a little over a year and was on-again, off-again in seeing her previous to that. He has recently called and wants to start seeing her again. I have always told him that he needs to see her on a consistent basis or don't see her at all, but I have always wondered if this is the best thing for her. (I had told him this only because it hurt her so much to see him for a few days and then not again for a couple months) My question is: do you think it's better for her to have her father in the picture even if she only sees him once a month or even once a year or is it better to keep him out of her life unless he can be there on a consistent basis?

[Bluerose]

You can’t keep him out of her life unless he may be a danger to her. He is her father, and a rubbish father is better than no father. Try to get across to him how important it is that his visits are regular. Tell him to think about his daughter, and if he cares about her he should try not to upset her.

Be open and honest with your young daughter about her dad, and never put him down to her. You must protect your daughter but if you have no worries in that area, you are merely a bystander.

Over the next few years your daughter will come to know her dad and will or will not accept him for who he is. Trust her to make her own decision on the matter when the time comes. You cannot deny her the chance to do that. But you can do everything in your power to convince him to be more reliable for his daughter’s sake.

[Hockey1014]

I have a daughter who is about to turn 4 and her father has not seen her in a little over a year and was on-again, off-again in seeing her previous to that. He has recently called and wants to start seeing her again. I have always told him that he needs to see her on a consistent basis or don't see her at all, but I have always wondered if this is the best thing for her. (I had told him this only because it hurt her so much to see him for a few days and then not again for a couple months) My question is: do you think it's better for her to have her father in the picture even if she only sees him once a month or even once a year or is it better to keep him out of her life unless he can be there on a consistent basis?

I agree. My 15 year old has this same on and off relationship with his dad all his life. Once he hit this age, he told me that he knew his dad couldn't commit to the time that he needed but that the time he did give him was enough for now. It's important not to put her dad down in front of her though. Remind her that he loves her more than anything in the world, it's just that things come up in his schedule that he can't avoid. And she can be sure that the minute he gets a chance to come and see her, the phone will be ringing. It's the truth, it's not her fault anyway.