[odiebear]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 11 I'm 41, he's 50. Before being married the sex was out of this world and he would hold and cuddle afterwards and he always thought of me first (during sex). He was the first man that gave me an orgasm every time. He actually taught me all sorts of things and for the first time in my life I felt sexy and desired.

NOW I can't even remember the last time we had sex and even then it was not full on sex, mostley just foreplay and it's always the same way the same thing. When we try to have intercourse he can't stay hard and I feel that there is something going on in his mind that actually turns him off when he thinks of having sex with me. When I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and cuts me off. He says it's not me it's him and his health issues causing him to have ID. However, many mornings when he thinks I'm asleep he pleasures himself. I have also found porn on the computer and tissue in the trash (if you know what I mean.)

He kept saying he needed the little blue pill but his doctor would not give it to him and he was not happy. I was also not happy because I felt humiliated that my husband needed a pill to make love to me, like I caused him to be unable to perform or do something wrong. I felt if he really wanted to have sex with me he would. I finnaly gave in about the blue pill and he finally got some about 3 months ago. We still have not had sex, but there is new porn on the computer. This is really breaking my heart, I love him with all I have and would do anthing for him. He doesn't even hold me anymore or cuddle. I feel like a room mate instead of a wife. He does tell me severl times a day that he loves me, he buys me things, he is a great husband in every other sense and because of everything else I wonder if he is just trying to convince himself.

I have no one I can talk to about this without total humiliation because I honestly bevieve its something to do with me.

I need help or advise. This is really causing some major depression, very very low self esteem and lots and lots of tears.

[kepi]

Dear, this is not your fault! Needing "the little blue pill" is common among men of a certain age. He has grown out of his prime. If you want sex, and if he wants sex, you could use a cock ring. You can only use these for about 20 minutes, so it would be inconvenient, but it sounds like sex was a big part of your marriage, and no one should have to give it up :D

May I ask what the doctor said were his reasons to not give him viagra?

[Krs]

I can just imagine how stressed and upset you feel.
As kepi said this is NOT your fault.

I also wonder why the doctor said not to give him viagra. At his age this is common.

[smoothy]

At 50 some guys through medication or other health issues might need help... talk to a doctor and find out what the cause and options are.

If the doctor would not give him the pill he may have real medical issues or it's a medication contraindication. You need to know which it is and why.

[AltaVista]

"... He kept saying he needed the little blue pill but his doctor would not give it to him and he was not happy. I was also not happy because I felt humiliated that my husband needed a pill to make love to me, like I caused him to be unable to perform or do something wrong. I felt if he really wanted to have sex with me he would.
I have no one I can talk to about this without total humiliation because I honestly believe its something to do with me.... "

This sounds more of an emotional / mental issue on His part than physical. The doctor didn't believe he had a serious issue and therefore wouldn't prescribe for him. I think that your husband needs to talk with a counselor about this, and get to whatever issues he's dealing with. It certainly doesn't seem to be your fault in any way! Although I don't like the sound of that "I felt humiliated" part... remember, that pill is to help him with the physical part - it's his mind that makes him want to be with you. Get the stress or outside issues that he's carrying around and things should get back to normal.
Again, from what you've said it just doesn't sound like you are the cause...

[odiebear]

Thanks. He said the doctor would not give it to him because of his diabities and the fact he was not taking care of it the way the doctor would like. I still feel like it's not physical because he satisfies himself, but he doesn't try to include me. It's like he has the desire just not with me. Thanks for all the answers.

[Ash123]

My guess: This is a mental problem. Not a physical one.

I, for one, think Viagra is not the issue here.

I would see where your relationship is at by really communicating about this.
Many men after the bloom of courtship and the realities of life find that whata once
Turned them on is now a challenge. Lovemaking may not be as "hot" as it once was.
So what do you do?

TALK.

IF he has ED, you talk. If he wants to experiment sexually to turn you both on, talk.

See a counselor if you can. I think you can solve this if you try.

You are in a rut and he is not being a man about this. Intimacy is important.
And deep down he knows it and what is at the root of this psychologically needs to come out.

[TxCowgirl]

Please don't take this personally. I think when men reach a certain age, it really becomes an issue for them. As we all get older, it gets harder and harder to do the things we really once enjoyed. Sex is one of them. Also, I know that a lot of men in their late 40's, early 50's start feeling their own mortality. I could be that your husband is going through a small "crisis" time. The best thing here is to NOT pressure him into the sex, and just communicate with him. He knows you love him, but by not pressuring him, it can really help.
I also really want you to know about Diabetes. It is a horrible disease that really, really effects a man's erection. My guess is he might be able to pleasure himself, but not as much as you think. I really encourage you to do some research about Diabetes and erectile disfunction. I just recently went through this with my loved one. He has diabetes as well, and is unable to perform when needed. The pressure of wanting to perform, plus, all of the other factors that diabetes does to a body, can really hinder a sex life. Also, read about insulin (I don't know if he's insulin dependent or not) and sex. You will see, it can really inhibit a sex drive.
Also, make sure he is in good physical health. Go to the doctor with him and make sure it's not just the diabetes, because the disease can do damage to so many things (heart, blood pressure, etc), which can inhibit him as well. With my loved one, something as simple as going in for ED let us find out other things in his system we were unaware of. Feel free to ask questions!! That is something MANY men do NOT do.
If he gets a clean bill, then, I would strongly suggest maybe working on both your mental health some marital counseling. I know that it works wonders for a lot of people. Don't be ashamed of your husband having to take drugs (or even considering counseling) to help out. I know several people in their 20's who have trouble performing. With the stresses today, it's just natural that people need a little help.
Also, perhaps have a self imposed date night. I know that every 2 weeks (on a Friday night) my better half and I make it a point to NOT talk about work, or stresses in our life, but just talk to each other. We go out to dinner, or a nice walk around our local lake, something to re-connect to each other. Do things you did when you first dated.
I know it's easier said that done to not take something like this personally, but in the end, I've learned that connecting with my partner on all the other levels, makes sex easier, because he doesn't feel the pressure of having to perform.
Best of luck on this situation, and please keep us posted.

[Zebra]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 11 I'm 41, he's 50. Before being married the sex was out of this world and he would hold and cuddle afterwards and he always thought of me first (during sex). He was the first man that gave me an orgasim each and every time. He actually taught me all sorts of things and for the first time in my life I felt sexy and desired.

NOW I can't even remember the last time we had sex and even then it was not full on sex, mostley just foreplay and it's always the same way the same thing. When we try to have intercourse he can't stay hard and I feel that there is something going on in his mind that actually turns him off when he thinks of having sex with me. When I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and cuts me off. He says it's not me it's him and his health issues causing him to have ID. However, many mornings when he thinks I'm asleep he pleasures himself. I have also found porn on the computer and tissue in the trash (if you know what I mean.)

He kept saying he needed the little blue pill but his doctor would not give it to him and he was not happy. I was also not happy because I felt humiliated that my husband needed a pill to make love to me, like I caused him to be unable to perform or do something wrong. I felt if he really wanted to have sex with me he would. I finnaly gave in about the blue pill and he finally got some about 3 months ago. We still have not had sex, but there is new porn on the computer. This is really breaking my heart, I love him with all I have and would do anthing for him. He doesn't even hold me anymore or cuddle. I feel like a room mate instead of a wife. He does tell me severl times a day that he loves me, he buys me things, he is a great husband in every other sense and because of everything else I wonder if he is just trying to convince himself.

I have no one I can talk to about this without total humiliation because I honestly bevieve its something to do with me.

I need help or advise. This is really causing some major depression, very very low self esteem and lots and lots of tears.

I am 62 and have suffered from slow onset ED since I was about 38. I have diabetes, congestive heart failure and blood pressure problems. Between the medical conditions and the medications, erectile function is measured in seconds and never exceeds three digits. IT HAS TAKEN 30 YEARS FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT. Trust me, there's no reason for you to feel humiliated. Deep down inside, your husband is humiliated about no longer being able to physically demonstrate his love like he once did - and this just makes the condition worse.

There was a time when most doctors (if a male patient even got up the nerve to address the problem) would automatically refer a male patient for mental evaluation and treatment. We now know that the problem is usually located somewhat lower than the head.

TxCowgirl's advice is right on the money, but I would like to add one thing. ED can destroy a guy's self-esteem. There is nothing that can boost his self-esteem like your starting sex and, to take the pressure off, let him know up-front that your goal is his satisfaction, not your own. It's amazing how many couples share everything EXCEPT the initiation of sex.

[Ash123]

Hmmm, is this a diabetes situation or not?
(Since, a lot of time is being spent on diabetes talk.)
Odiebear, you out there?

If so, he should be treated and take time to together with no pressure.
If it is psychological, I think he should see a therapist if couple's counseling is too
Much pressure...

[odiebear]

Yes I'm here, I keep checking from time to time for new ideas. Things are no better.:confused:
I have tried to talk to him but there is a brick wall. I like what was said about initiating. That is one thing I'm not very good at, for some strange reason I feel for a woman to initiate is for a woman to be desperate, which at this point I am. I will try to initiate and see what happens.

[Ash123]

It's not you.


If you ever get a fun weekend away - ask him what turns him on...
And try it... if he seems genuinely excited and then truly cannot perform it may be ED.
But it may get him started...

The main thing is this: if he loves you, all he wants is that you think he is very special.
If he feels like he can do no wrong that will help him perform... little things you love are worth pointing out :-)
But without more info from you about this - hard to know what to say... if he does not, then it's time to sort it out.

Have faith.


A

[Xrayman]

To me the issue is psychological/emotional he can erect by himself and pleasure himself (without the performance pressure). There is also the diabetes situation-I'd bet that is why the Dr will not give Sildenfil (Viagra) the blood vessels at the base of the penis may be involved and therefore does not allow for a really hard erection. Viagra cannot be given to heart patients or even overweight patients.

You may be able to use Androgel-which is a Testosterone-based gel that you rub on (to the shoulders BTW). This may assist with ED.

Otherwise-he sounds crushed-be with him but don't demand

[Manny Mo]

It also sounds like he may have replaced your sex life with a possible porn addiction. For him it is easy to get off on porn. It is easy to masturbate and no work is involved unlike the possible humiliation of failing to perform. I think it has nothing to do with if he loves you or not. I think if he didn't love you he would show you in many other ways. I am much younger than him and had problems keeping an errection. It got to the point were I hated to have sex and avoided having sex with my love one in order to avoid the humiliation of failing to perform. Porn also became a great substitute for me to get off. It's easy and no pressure. I have changed since then. I now take viagra, which has helped to get my confidence up and now I can perform with out it. My love does not know I ever took viagra. I chose to hide that from her because it would be very humiliating as a man for her to know this. When a man can not perform like he is suppose to it really hurts his pride. I am sure your husband is feeling this, so go easy on the poor guy and whatever you do don't blame yourself. It sounds like he has some health issues and possibly some emotional issues to get past before you guys can have a healthy love life again. Just don't give up and communication with understanding really helps. Good luck and stay strong!

[smoothy]

Yes I'm here, I keep checking from time to time for new ideas. Things are no better.:confused:
I have tried to talk to him but there is a brick wall. I like what was said about initiating. That is one thing I'm not very good at, for some strange reason I feel for a woman to initiate is for a woman to be desperate, which at this point I am. I will try to initiate and see what happens.

Try asking him if you can have an affair since you need it and he won't give it. Maybe that will drill things into his skull?

Yeah I know that's going to come off harsh, but I really can't stand to know she has to suffer this sort of neglect. Its one thing if he can't, but its another if he won't for whatever reason. After all they are married. ANd that's part of being married.

[odiebear]

I have received several pieces of advice which I do appreciate, however the situation has changed. My husband's doctor finally gave him a prescription for Levitra which he says did not work so then Cialis which he also said did not help and last Viagra which he says does not work. The problem is he has really increased his "self pleasure" with porn on the computer and on the TV in the middle of the night. He could so easily share this with me or ask me to satisfy him or just hold me. I (without a doubt) now believe it is me. I also know that there is a big difference between wanting to and being able to.

It hurts so bad and so deep that I'm on the verge of asking him for a divorce. I know this sounds weird but I honestly believe he loves me and that I am his best friend... hence the problem. I think he views me as his best friend and a room mate or companion which I know are all important things to have in a marriage but I also know that I need that extra connection that you can only get from making love. I'm not asking him to perform, necessarily, intercourse but some type of interaction in that area.

I have gone on the computer and watched things on TV to try to learn different things which I have tried but on the 3-4 times in the last year that he has attempted to satisfy me I can just see on his face and his actions that he is not into it at all.

I have tried to talk to him but he shuts me out. I have tried to make the point that I need that type of interaction and he ignores it. The one thing I have not come right out and said is "I need sex from you" . The reason for that is I'm afraid once I do that then when he does (if he does) respond I will feel like it is strictly out of pity or obligation. I really don't want to sound like I'm just whining because I love this man with all my heart but the hurt I feel right now is stronger than my love. As for the one answer I was given about asking him if I could have sex with someone else would make my point but what if he says yes and I think he knows that he is the only man I want to have sex with.

I feel I'm at the end and can no longer be married to him, and not out of disappointment but out of love. I think he would be much happier with someone he can look at and have the desire to make love.

Thanks for all the responses.

[smoothy]

The problem is all on his part. If he can diddle himself he can take care of you. There is no other excuse that is acceptable. If he doesn't give a damn then its clear you have to take what steps you wish. We only get one life to live so why allow yourself to be deprived of this pleasure from a man who can but won't.

[Choux]

The difference between 40 and 50 is huge, girl... in every way.

He sounds like he is and was a great guy, yet, you want to divorce him. Life has transitions, from childhood to maturity; from young adult to *middle-aged*... you two are in the middle-aged frame, your husband far ahead into middle age. Don't do something foolish. I hope you can support yourself alone to the custom you are used to.

You two are in desperate need of a sexual therapist, or a therapist. YOu are pressuring him, and he is resisting you. I'm sure you two can reach a compromise if only you can get some therapeutic help. Marriage is about negotiation. When people are growing old, it is sometimes difficult to face the necessity of change and negotiation.

Best wishes going forward,

[kp2171]

I've read your most recent post.

I'm still not completely convinced of anything... one way or the other.

A university of Pennsylvania study showed that 10-30% of viagra users were nonresponsive to the drug. Then, using lipitor to treat endothelial cells followed by viagra, some showed increased performance. Meaning physical issues can be complex.

The best case scenario I can think of for you... he wants to satisfy you but is unable. The use of porn and self stimulation (he can likely get off even with a semiflacid penis) is being used to get some personal satisfaction that wouldn't likely work with sex at this point. Combine physical blocks (hardening of the arteries that comes with aging, potential coronary disease, vascular issues) and mental blocks (performance anxiety, depression) and it's a recipe for failure all the time.

Does he ever offer oral to you? I love oral on the woman to prepare her for intercourse, but I personally think it should not be used as a crutch... that intercourse should normally be the way in which couples connect. That said... I'm just trying to save a marriage here, and any baby steps that can get us to a better place are good.

So... I'm going to ask you to do something that you might not be comfortable with... to step out of your normal boundaries because I think you want a healthy sex life with your husband. Has he ever been responsive to oral sex? Have you? Have you ever been responsive to self stimulation or using a vibrator? At this point I want some "wins" for you both. Oral on him might amp up the mental side if he hasn't received it. Oral on you can be very effective. I understand if this isn't something that interests you. Just a suggestion.

Likewise... another possibility is for you to ask him to kiss and bite at your neck, ears, and chest while you self stimulate... or that you ask him to self stimulate while you bite and kiss at his neck and ears. This does a few things. It can amp up the mental side (naughty factor) and it can give you both a chance to get some release together, still connected, even if its not through intercourse.

If he is honestly nonresponsive to ED drugs it could be that he is absolutely beside himself with embarrassment and frustration... and initiating sex with you is salt on the wound because he knows it just won't work. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. A terrible feedback cycle that propagates itself.

And then again... on the other hand... worst case scenario is that he is just uninterested and not willing to please you one way or the other.

Whether it concerns sex or any other aspect of life... I believe you should give a person the opportunity to do the right thing. To tell them what is wrong and to give them that chance.

Life in the bedroom can be complicated. It can reflect the overall health of the marriage, or it can be tied to a pesky little enzyme that won't let the blood pool in his penis. Or anywhere in between. It is influenced by the sum of many physical issues and complicated by mental issues.

I don't want to tell you to give up. I think there are some things left to try. After that... you've beared the weight.

If he is unresponsive to your request for oral, even after you've given to him first, then its time for couples therapy. If he is unwilling... its time to choose.

I've talked to men who are just beside themselves because of failure of the body to perform. Its absolutely humilitating. I don't take his self stimulation as meaning he doesn't want to please you... I do take it as his acting in frustration.

So... force his hand. Take a chance. See if oral or self stim gives a response in him. Then ask the same of him. If he is unwilling, he isn't willing to please you. A man who lets his pride get in the way of trying to satiate his partner is less than a man.

Steel piercing erections are wasted on 16 year olds. That he was nonresponsive to ED drugs doesn't mean he isn't interested. It doesn't mean he is, either.

So... time to push one last time and see what he is willing to do or not do.

[odiebear]

The difference between 40 and 50 is huge, girl...in every way.

He sounds like he is and was a great guy, yet, you want to divorce him. Life has transitions, from childhood to maturity; from young adult to *middle-aged*.... you two are in the middle-aged frame, your husband far ahead into middle age. Don't do something foolish. I hope you can support yourself alone to the custom you are used to.

You two are in desperate need of a sexual therapist, or a therapist. YOu are pressuring him, and he is resisting you. I'm sure you two can reach a compromise if only you can get some therapeutic help. Marriage is about negotiation. When people are growing old, it is sometimes difficult to face the necessity of change and negotiation.

Best wishes going forward,

I appreciate your thoughts but I guess I have been too vague. The reason I'm thinking divorce is to make him happy. I think he would be happier with a woman he is attracted to.

As far as supporting myself I have been doing so since I was 16 and a single parent in high school. It is my income that supports us not his, but that is way off the issue.

I think the biggest problem is that I AM NOT PRESSURING HIM. I'm afraid to, for fear he will see pleasuring me as a duty or obligation. I want him to do it because he wants to. I have hinted from time to time but I am far from pressuring him.

Again, thanks you have given me some food for thought.