[strangeone]

No she is not. I just do not get it either.

[RubyPitbull]

I am so sorry. It really just doesn't make sense. I think it may be time to tell her, if you haven't already, that if she doesn't try to seek help, than you just can't live like this. Have you told her that you want a divorce?

[strangeone]

It seems there are three possibilities, tolerate the lack of sex and become real friendly with my hand, have an affair or say goodbye.

[RubyPitbull]

No honey. There is only one option. You need to be straight with her and tell her that if she doesn't see a doctor that you can't live like this and you want a divorce. If she loves you, she will sit up and take notice. If she wants to stay married to you, she will go to the doctor. If she doesn't she won't and you will now know what you have to do.

Self-gratification is no way for a married man or woman to live. Having an affair will just make your life A LOT more complicated. Then, you have to worry about getting your lies straight. That isn't any way to live either. Who needs that kind of grief? If she isn't willing to find help, you need to be free to find someone else who will love you.

[strangeone]

Maybe so, requires thought.

[RubyPitbull]

Yes, think about it, digest it. This isn't something that you need to make a snap decision on.

Frankly, I gathered from your posts that you had resigned yourself to having an affair. You can only get away with that for so long before you are caught out. Then, if you tell her that it is because she doesn't give you "any", she will have every right to be upset and hurt, because you didn't lay it on the line when you should have. Why go through that kind of emotional torture when, if you are honest and lay it on the line now, you haven't done anything but be truthful? You should be telling her that you are hurt because it makes you feel like she doesn't want you physically. How can someone be expected to live like that? It isn't fair, and she knows it. Believe me she does. If, after you think about it, and you need help, constructive advice, or just people to complain to, we are here for you.

[RubyPitbull]

Strangeone, I find it very interesting that you chose to give me a disagree on my first post to you last night after our exchange. I am baffled. What do you think is funny about what is in that response? I can understand now, after our last exchanges why you didn't find it helpful, but I really am curious why you found it funny.

[strangeone]

Sorry about that. I must have clicked on the wrong qoute and did not catch it until to late. Please read further down furhter to another post.

[RubyPitbull]

I agree with you. That one was pretty funny. How are you doing?

[NowWhat]

I had a low sex drive after I got married. I don't know what happened but there was a time that I felt like if I never had sex again - I'd be o.k. Not healthy - right. Feeling sorry for my husband - right? Looking back - I feel the same way.
But, I felt so ashamed because I knew it was wrong. I felt defective. I couldn't talk to my husband about it because I didn't understand it. Eventually, I did go to the dr. And it was embarrassing - but I lived through it. I was put on anti-depressants. I also started an herbal therapy that was to enhance sex drive. I have to tell you - the herbal therapy worked. I would recommend it to anyone. If she is apprehensive about talking to someone out of shame - this you just order and start taking it. It is all natural. You could check it out and possibly give it a try.

[strangeone]

What is the Herbal therapy.

[NowWhat]

They have all natural supplements that help in one area or another. Almost like vitamins. What I took is called avlimil. It is a purple pill the size of a vitamin. You order them online. It is all natural. I took it for about a year and I tell you they work!

[Lorelei1974]

Hi Strangeone,
I'm so sorry to read about this problem. I believe in the adage "sex is the glue that holds a marriage together." I agree with RubyPitbull and others: I think the idea of seeing a marriage counsellor is a good one, just to have a 'mediator' in the room with both of you. Like having the Speaker in a parliamentary system, sometimes it's easier to talk about painful/hurtful things via an intermediary. Having an 'eyewitness' also ensures that no one gets carried away with recriminations.

I have so many male friends who have complained of the same thing. Pre-marriage, great sex. Post-marriage, their wife lost interest. I am guessing one of three things may be the problem:

a) some women don't really like sex - they'll do it to 'get' a man, but once they have him, they gladly forego it. Many women aren't even aware that they fall into this category, so please don't interpret this as some kind of evil scheme on their part. Your wife might be one of these women.

b) She may indeed be suffering from depression or some physical/psychological impediment that she finds hard to talk about. Stress at work might be a huge factor too.

c) This is the most painful option, so I hesitate to voice it here. I'm a woman with a healthy libido, but I can recall one particular relationship where the sex side of things just shut down completely after a few months. I was crazily attracted to that boyfriend initially, but something changed in our relationship. The balance of power shifted, and I found myself making too many decisions in our daily lives, being in control too much of the time. This was a real turnoff, and I lost all physical attraction to him. Couldn't make the sex work. I felt awful about this, and our relationship didn't last. Anyway, something in your relationship might have changed after you got married. Maybe she's lost that 'lovin' feeling' and can't articulate what the problem is. In this case, more than ever, I would suggest you both do couples therapy. If she married you, she must love you dearly. She'd probably rather eat her own arm than admit that she's not attracted to you anymore. (If that is indeed the case, maybe it's not). Maybe you could try doing some of the things you did before you got married, when you were still dating, and see if that stirs up the old romance.

Good luck. I agree with everyone else, though: this situation can't go on. You won't be satisfied with a Platonic relationship. Something's got to give, as the old song goes.

Good luck, Strangeone!
Lorelei

[strangeone]

Thank you for the heartful response.