[sypher373]

Sypher - She should, and I would. Actually... Id wait until you were @ work... then burn them/ Rip them up... throw the remains all over your bed. Then "Take off".
Youre looking fo a puppy, not a girlfriend

How could this be misconstrued as mature? Why would you ever think that is acceptable in a relationship?

It seems to me quite the opposite. Your happy in your current relationship because he will do what you ask... If he had objected to throwing away that picture, your telling me you would have walked away from a 2 year relationship?

Im with tal.

[SnaveLeber]

There is something Im trying to say that yorue not getting. If you love someone, you want them to be happy and at peace at all times. If your girlfriends emotions are less important than some old pictures... you need to consider your priorities.

[AW805]

SnaveLeber: Your finace was willing to tear them up. Xglamousx's boyfriend may not be. I wouldn't want my pictures torn. Pictures are irrelevant in a real relationship. So are you going to erase the pictures in his mind too? You can't erase someone's memories and history just because you're in the present. Those are the very things that make a person.

[NowWhat]

I think you have to remember that your husband or boyfriend had a life before he met you.
If phone calls or visits came along with the photos - get mad or worried. But a picture is a picture. It can't talk to you or hold you or any of those things.
My MIL still has pictures of my husbands ex-gf in the photo albums. Not because she likes her even a little - but other family members were in the pictures and they are memories. Do I expect her to go in with an exact-o knife and cut her face out? No. It makes me laugh and ask my husband "what were you thinking?" and my favorite "you should thank God you met me - I am way cutier than her!"
It is not a big deal. It is not a big deal. IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL.

[talaniman]

SnaveLeber : There is something Im trying to say that yorue not getting. If you love someone, you want them to be happy and at peace at all times. If your girlfriends emotions are less important than some old pictures... you need to consider your priorities.

Respect is giving someone the space to do what they want, and be who they are, and accepting and loving them because of it. The respect you have described here today is manipulation and control, and as you grow you will see the difference. Making mountains from molehills causes undo conflict from which you can never be comfortable, or happy and in learning communicating with a mate you will find that acting on insecurity and fear, is no way to have happiness with your mate. You will find that your idea of respect is note only smothering, but restrictive to growth within the relationship, and you guarantee a slow hard death to any feelings of love and co-operation, so necessary for long term healthy relations with your mate. You may be happy with burning old pictures, but what about the feelings of loss from you b/f, and also if he does not agree, what will you do when he refuses to do as you say? Will you compromise or demand? Good luck with making demands and ultimatums, as your relationship, devoid of respect will not last past the first disagreement.

[SnaveLeber]

Respect is giving someone the space to do what they want, and be who they are, and accepting and loving them because of it. The respect you have described here today is manipulation and control, and as you grow you will see the difference. Making mountains from molehills causes undo conflict from which you can never be comfortable, or happy and in learning communicating with a mate you will find that acting on insecurity and fear, is no way to have happiness with your mate. You will find that your idea of respect is note only smothering, but restrictive to growth within the relationship, and you guarantee a slow hard death to any feelings of love and co-operation, so necessary for long term healthy relations with your mate. You may be happy with burning old pictures, but what about the feelings of loss from you b/f, and also if he does not agree, what will you do when he refuses to do as you say? Will you compromise or demand? Good luck with making demands and ultimatums, as your relationship, devoid of respect will not last past the first disagreement.

Well... I spoke to my fiancé about this...
His reply?

"Well... maybe the guy kept the photos because the old gf wasn't so bad. I don't think this girl actually put all the information to the table. What I think happened is this girl was looking at a box of photos of this guys past... and the pics of his ex were in that array.
About the guy getting defensive about snooping... he had all right. All though I personally don't care what you look at, in my room my car or my computer.... Some people do care, thus that should be respected, just like you don't like me to read your journals, i don't.
What you need to understand is that they need to rename that forum you've been going to, to "Ask secular society" because thats what it is. They don't know anything about our relationship, or you.
Yes... you can be insecure sometimes but thats something that Ive learned to put up with because we have respect for each other, and there's so much stupid crap you put up with about me. Society doesn't understand what a real relationship is, Ash. They look at their selfish desires, not the other persons emotions..."
So... He is in agreeance with everyone... except the chick that wrote the post.

[gypsy456]

Respect is giving someone the space to do what they want, and be who they are, and accepting and loving them because of it. The respect you have described here today is manipulation and control, and as you grow you will see the difference. Making mountains from molehills causes undo conflict from which you can never be comfortable, or happy and in learning communicating with a mate you will find that acting on insecurity and fear, is no way to have happiness with your mate. You will find that your idea of respect is note only smothering, but restrictive to growth within the relationship, and you guarantee a slow hard death to any feelings of love and co-operation, so necessary for long term healthy relations with your mate. You may be happy with burning old pictures, but what about the feelings of loss from you b/f, and also if he does not agree, what will you do when he refuses to do as you say? Will you compromise or demand? Good luck with making demands and ultimatums, as your relationship, devoid of respect will not last past the first disagreement.

Absolutely right.

[Skell]

First of all.... your guy shouldnt have gotten defensive. Relationships should be completely open and if my fiance' was that secretive I would think that he had something to hide... which in this case, your bf does.
I would tell him Yes, you looked through it. He needs to move on, toss them out. Because If he is emotionally in love with her... he is emotionally cheating on you. You deserve a mans all.
The sad fact is that guys seem to pick a girl. When they fall in love thats their girl, and no matter how much they seem to have moved on... thats their girl.
Maybe you need to move on to a guy that really does love you, and let him realize that this chick is GONE FROM HIS LIFE. Shes engaged,
And let him know that youre not going to fill his desire to not be lonely while he wants someone else.
This situation ticks me off...
Man... just say "You can have me or chase someone who doesnt want you - your choice"

Good luck

How does having photos of an ex make him a cheater? How does it mean he is still in love with him?

I traveled the world with my ex girlfriend. The Eiffel Tower, Venice, London, Rome, met the Queen and had photos taken with me and my ex in them. Am I meant to burn them all in some satanic ritual to make you happy?

They are my memories and my past. Get over it. Im with you now.

BUt in reality I am so glad I am not with you Snave. You have some massive issues.

Frankly if a girl made an issue of me having photos of my history, she would become part of the past pretty damn quickly. And I probably wouldn't bother keeping photos of her either because it would have been a huge mistake being with her in the first place!

[SnaveLeber]

Well... of course your reaction to your grls opinion would all depend on how SHE reacted. If she was all TOSS THEM NOW then you'd leave her, but if she was hurt by it yet left it alone, you might toss them just to please her. Its all about reaction.

[me mu]

I Wouldn't Worry About The Pictures You Are The One He Is With,you Just Keep Treating Him Good And Someday Those Pictures Won't Be Their Anymore!

[xglamorousx]

.okay guys, thanks for all the advice, as well as the hostility. It turns out I asked him about the pictures, and he told me.. I forgot I had them, they've been under the bed for a long time.. he said.. if you want to.. you can throw them out.. he didn't even get mad, he was frustrated that night because he was at work and they were having a long night. I told him if he wants to he could throw them out when he's ready unless he wants to keep them, and he said.. we'll throw them out together. And now they are gone. Definitley brought us closer.. although it didn't make me feel better but I guess I was just being a jealous territorial girlfriend.

[Skell]

There you go. Just as we said. It changed nothing to throw them out. No matter whether he has them our not you still know he has a past that involved someone else. So get over it and stop being jealous or soon enough you'll have no one to be jealous over..

Personally I think he was weak to bow to your requests to throw them out. But it is his choice and one I hope he doesn't live to regret.

Good luck with everything.

[talaniman]

I honestly think its wrong to use fear or insecurity to manipulate someone into a position to make you feel better. Once you start that then everything that makes her feel insecure will be subject to change. Personally you would have to talk it out before making me change or succumb to something that you really need to work on. Realistically what's the incentive to work on your insecurity? What's next that he has to change that makes you feel bad?

[AW805]

.okay guys, thanks for all the advice, as well as the hostility. it turns out i asked him about the pictures, and he told me.. i forgot i had them, theyve been under the bed for a long time.. he said.. if u want to..you can throw them out.. he didnt even get mad, he was frustrated that night because he was at work and they were having a long night. i told him if he wants to he could throw them out when hes ready unless he wants to keep them, and he said.. we;ll throw them out together. and now they are gone. definitley brought us closer.. although it didnt make me feel better but i guess i was just being a jealous territorial girlfriend.

I think you took a positive step in your relationship. Good for you!:p

-- ** before more people start to disagree, read my next post **

[Skell]

I think you took a positive step in your relationship. Good for you!:p

I actually disagree. I see this as a negative step. I think she has issues that rather than coming to a head here and being dealt with by the boyfriend have only been fueled. What happens next time when she finds out he is still wearing a pair of socks that his ex bought him for his birthday a few years back? Is he to throw them out too. Then that nice suit that she picked up for him at christmas. Burn it?

No, she has to understand that this was part of his life and nothing can change that. Not throwing out pictures or tearing them up together.

I think she has already learnt that. She already admitted that throwing the photos out didn't make her feel better. The only way to make herself feel better is to deal with her insecurities.

[AW805]

I actually disagree. I see this as a negative step. I think she has issues that rather than coming to a head here and being dealt with by the boyfriend have only been fueled. What happens next time when she finds out he is still wearing a pair of socks that his ex bought him for his birthday a few years back? Is he to throw them out too. Then that nice suit that she picked up for him at christmas. Burn it??

No, she has to understand that this was part of his life and nothing can change that. Not throwing out pictures or tearing them up together.

I think she has already learnt that. She already admitted that throwing the photos out didnt make her feel better. The only way to make herself feel better is to deal with her insecurities.

You're right Skell; I went back to re read what she wrote. I didn't catch that she said she didn't feel better.

Agreed. Now that she's discovered that it didn't make her feel better --she needs to work on why.

[talaniman]

The pictures were not the real issues, her feelings about them were. That's what they both should hve dealt with, and rather than appease, honest communications could have opened a door to really solve her problem. As it stands, jealousy and insecurity will be back

[xglamorousx]

I actually disagree. I see this as a negative step. I think she has issues that rather than coming to a head here and being dealt with by the boyfriend have only been fueled. What happens next time when she finds out he is still wearing a pair of socks that his ex bought him for his birthday a few years back? Is he to throw them out too. Then that nice suit that she picked up for him at christmas. Burn it??

No, she has to understand that this was part of his life and nothing can change that. Not throwing out pictures or tearing them up together.

I think she has already learnt that. She already admitted that throwing the photos out didnt make her feel better. The only way to make herself feel better is to deal with her insecurities.

He has shirts that his ex girlfriend bought for him, and I think they look great on him. His family always talks about her and themore I hear it, I'm starting to understand it is a part of his past, and I know he's with me now. I would never throw out the shirts. Ill be the first to admit I'm jealous, I hate it and I don't know how to fix it. I just want an honest, happy, & healthy relationship.

[gypsy456]

This time it is about the photographs... what is next ?

Jealousy can ruin a lot...
Don't let that happen to you.
It's a first step to admit that you are jealous.
Jealousy is insecurity...
We can all be a little insecure at times... whenever it starts to bother you and affects your relationship it can become damaging.

Work on yourself... otherwise an honest, happy and healthy relationship might become hard to achieve...

I have lived with somebody who was incredibly jealous...

[NowWhat]

I think we all have jealousy in us. I think it is natural. What you do with that emotion is up to you. You don't want it to wreck your life. A lot of people are also territorial. Again, it is what you do with the emotion. Just always keep the lines of communication open when it comes to things like this.