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Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 02:52 PM

What if the results are not positive? WHat if the results are a pregnancy? Or he breaks her heart and she realizes all she gave up for him?

RubyPitbull · May 5, 2007, 02:59 PM

So, lacey, are you saying that they have had sex? I agree with your logic. If they break up it would be emotionally traumatic for her. Pregnancy is another big issue. I don't disagree with that. But, you do have to trust in the beliefs you have instilled in her. You mentioned he intends on joining the clergy. I don't know what his beliefs are but I think he probably feels just as strongly about abstinence until marriage as she does. Do you think he is not sincere in his beliefs? Do you think that he may be or have been sexually active?

Allheart · May 5, 2007, 03:05 PM

Lacey, I didn't think they were having sex fully. Even still, Lacey, I really think you have to calm yourself as much as possible.

If you are having trouble trusting your daughter's judgement, then fall back on that strong faith you have, and trust that God will watch over your daughter, even when you can not.

J_9 · May 5, 2007, 03:09 PM

Oh, Lacey, my heart goes out to you. I have been busy with final exams and just caught up on your post.

Dear, you are not the only old fashioned mother, I have just had to have the "talk" with my 2 oldest boys who are 19 and 20.

I am not LDS, but am highly religious, as are my children.

The hardest part for me was letting them go and letting them make their own decisions, right or wrong.

I would like to gently remind you that when you gave birth to your precious daughter, she did not come with a set of instructions. You learned through trial and error how to raise her. And what a wonderful job you did, whether you see it now or not.

Now fast forward to adulthood. Adulthood does not come with a set of instructions either. She must learn to be an adult through trial and error, as you learned to raise her much earlier.

She must learn to make decisions. She will learn what is good for her and what is not. But she cannot do this with you telling her what is right and wrong. She must experience this to learn from it. She must learn the consquences of her actions on her own, with no intervention from you otherwise she will not fully LEARN.

I do have a concern here though (or two) which I will address each separately.

1) You mention that while she was away at school her boyfriend gave her the Anti-Morman materials. Now, you do not say that she is going to a Mormon school, so I believe it safe to assume that this is a public school where there may be other outside influences other than the boyfriend. You understand that there is now a course in college called "Introduction to World Religion" where they explore ALL of the world's religions. Could it be possible that she either took this course or has had friends who had. Or had met other friends of different religions and she became curions?

2) I hear it is all about the boyfriend controlling and you trying to rein her in. Nowhere did I hear mention about her Father and his thoughts on this subject. It would be interesting to know where he stands in this push-pull that is going on in your family.

3) Like the others said, it seems as though you are borrowing trouble in that you are already considering pregnancy. Or breaks her heart.

Lacey dear, if he breaks her heart she will learn. It is all part of growing and maturing into the adult that she will oneday be. If her heart is never broken she will never be complete. I know it sounds strange but to love fully we must have been hurt.

What if she becomes pregnant? There are worse things that could happen Lacey. At least you will have a daughter to love and a grandchild to hold. However, if you keep pushing her you risk losing her. Is this what you want?

She is now of age to get married to whomever she wants whenever she wants. If you push her too much further she will figure that out on her own and she will do just that without the acceptance from anyone in the family.

Lacey, it is hard to be a mother, but to be a loving caring mother, one must know when to let our children make their own decisions in life.

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 03:14 PM

SHe appears to not have any judgement right now. They have not have intercourse yet. But as I explained to her their intentions before were to not be anymore intimate than casual kissing it has advanced, so how can they be sure that it won't continue to advance? There have been many unintentional pregnancies right?

RubyPitbull · May 5, 2007, 03:19 PM

That is true, but you have to trust in the values that you instilled in her Lacey. I suspect she takes waiting until marriage very seriously.

I think J_9 made some good points. What is your husband's attitude?

Have you spoken with anyone at your Church as I suggested? Did they have any advice? What did they suggest you do?

J_9 · May 5, 2007, 03:21 PM

Lacey, pregnancy occurs with intercourse, as I am sure you know already. Don't cross that bridge until you get to it. Trust me, I am in your shoes here with my 2 eldest sons, so I can relate to you.

Casual kissing has advanced, yeah, so. Not to sound crass, but you can't shield her 24/7 from every danger you perceive in life.

It is so hard with our oldest isn't it? We bring these beautiful babies in the world wanting the best for them, but when they grow they see life through rose colored glasses and we wish we could just take those glasses off.

But the reality is Lacey, we have to let them make their own decisions in life and hope and pray that what we have instilled upon them in their tender years will come to the surface when the time arises.

We are very lucky mothers that have children of this age who are still virgins. At least that is what they tell us. LOL So it shows some degree of maturation on their part to remain this way up until this point.

Our children are no longer of the age where we can make decisions for them, we must trust their judgment, good or bad, and love them nonetheless and support whatever decisions they make no matter how terribly it pains us.

Again, where does your husband stand on all that is going on? This is VERY important, and seems to have been left out.

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 03:29 PM

My husband is not as emotional ( surprise) as I am but is in agreement with me. ALthough like you all he says she is love blind and their isn't much we can do about it. I as you all know have to being doing something. I don't know how not to . Right now she doesn't really care what church members think because currently the church doesn't mean anything either. She tells me the anti mormon stuff was online not given by him. He questioned her beliefs and asked for proof. SHe couldn't provide proof ( nor can he) so she felt he must be right. Or at least easiert to go along with because is her beleifs are right then that would mean she won't be marrying him. HE has made it clear that he wants no part of Mormonism. SHe does still question some of his doctrine but is sure that ours must b wrong. Her friends for the most part have been LDS at school so again I am concerned for her return to school if she shuts them out.

J_9 · May 5, 2007, 03:31 PM

Lacey, what is the boyfriend's religion?

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 03:33 PM

Baptist

J_9 · May 5, 2007, 03:37 PM

So, the Baptist believe in our Heavenly Father also... They also believe that there is a Heaven and a Hell. The situation could be worse... She could be involved with skinheads!! :eek:

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 03:40 PM

Thanks for making me smile!

J_9 · May 5, 2007, 03:46 PM

Lacey, let me paint it in a different color, if you will.

Remember when she was in, say 9th grade? Remember she had homework, probably tons right? Did you do her homework for her? No, you let her learn her assignments on her own, right? Goodness, if you did her homework she would not have passed her tests.

Now, she is doing her homework for life's lessons. In life's lessons she has to learn on her own. You cannot do her homework for her otherwise she will not pass her tests.

She MUST do this all on her own otherwise you risk losing the beloved child you once cradled in your arms.

Lacey, I read that talking to clergy may help, but have you considered professional therapy? It may be beneficial to both you and your daughter.

Auttajasi · May 5, 2007, 03:47 PM

A person once told me that I should parent in a way that when my kids are faced with a difficult decision to make, they hear my voice in the back of their heads saying, "Honey, is that such a good idea?" Hopefully a similar voice would pop into your daughter's head if she were to meet a 'hot' skinhead.

Allheart · May 5, 2007, 03:49 PM

LOl a hot skinhead... ooooh baby.

J_9 · May 5, 2007, 03:53 PM

Originally Posted by Auttajasi

skinhead.

Okay, so I couldn't think of anything else at the time and it just popped into my head.

I could have said a NRGI schizophrenic, but since I have worked with them I have realized they are people too. :p

Fr_Chuck · May 5, 2007, 03:55 PM

Just like her boyfriend could question things in her faith, and of course she does not know all of the anwers, and that is why you know who to call and find out more of the answers.

Most members of a church group does not understand all of their church rules or their churches beleifs, and I am sure that there are people in every denomination that may question a few beleifs. That does not mean they can't be members. And to be honest it is sometimes good to question your faith some, it makes you research into it and it makes you understand your beliefs better.

And please be specific, now, just being bald is not a "skin head" (barber challenged)

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 03:56 PM

Ok you might not believe it but I actually work in mental health. Maybe that makes some of you smile or cry> No I didn't do her homework but I did check the planner to make sure it was done. A zero isn't the same as this though. In my mind these decisions will change the rest of her life.

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 03:58 PM

I have encourged her to study for herself but it as if she doesn't want to. SHe is content with not knowing what she believes.

J_9 · May 5, 2007, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by Lacey5765

these decisions will change the rest of her life.

And so as well would her homework if not done properly in school. If not done properly, she would NOT be in college, but she got there herself. By her own hand, of her own accord. Now you need to let her get to adulthood the same way.

You work in mental health. What is your profession? Are you a secretary? Nurse? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?

It has become quite apparent that maybe you need to work on you rather than working on your daughter.

Lacey, you have 4 kidlets right? So do I. Mine range in age from 20, 19, 13, and 5. The difficulties you are having right now with your 19 year old will be different than the ones you will experience with your youngest. Do you know why? Because you will have already gone through the "instruction book" by the time your youngest is 19. You are giving you smart, wonderful, beautiful daughter HE1L right now, and believe me dear, she will remember it when your youngest is going through the same thing, and she will resent you for it. You will lose your daughter if you continue on this path.