[Keeshond]

Our daughter is 17 yrs. Old, graduating 6/2007, turning 18 in July, has met a guy @ work (pizza joint) that she likes. We met him understanding he was 20 yrs. Old. He said he was in college, but his apartment had a fire & he lost everything. His parents believed in "Tough Love" & would not allow him to return home, so he's working hard to come up with more money to finish the last bit of his automotive education.

Found out they were lying & he is actually 26 yrs. Old, & in the process of ending a relationship with his current live-in girlfriend. What's a 26 yr. old doing at a pizza place, excited about finally getting full time, or interested in a 17 yrs. Old teen? What's he been doing the last 6 years? He tells our daughter he's had a rough time.

We invited them both to sit down with us to discuss the age difference. Talked about how we liked him as a person, but she struggles staying focused in school, NEEDED to get certain tasks done to graduate, has been text messaging way too much, especially during school hours, & we didn't want her at his apartment. They both agreed & he said he didn't care if he only saw her at our home to watch movies, he just wanted to spend time with her. He said he would totally help her with school work.

Now found out there have been over 2,000 text messages in 1 month, she is receiving & sending during school hours (they are extremely sexually sparked messages), she's been to his apt. slept with him & they are in love. He tells her that her sister is a "spy", he wants to take her to the "love shack", wait until your parents are sleeping, etc. Also, we found out he's been arrested for stealing, did some jail time & 3-yrs. Probation, smokes pot, cigarettes, drinks...
He acts like he is 16 yrs. Old, said he's been diagnosed ADHD, but won't take any meds for it. Perhaps that's why he can't hold a job?

We took her phone away, had her leave the part time job & she's been grounded the last week. Last night found out they are still finding ways to see each other, have exchanged rings, and they still love, love, love each other. He lays in a ditch to see her when she's riding her horse or walking the dogs...

Okay, perhaps he's the one, perhaps he's not - who knows. We want to support our daughter, but the lying, etc. is so out of her character. She's always been a truthful, loving, quiet girl & young woman. Our job has been to prepare her for the world... she should be ready to go, but we don't see that she is mature. This is her "1st love". He's too old to go to prom, so she's going with another guy friend from church. She's a beautiful young woman that could have any guy she wanted, but for whatever reason, she's always been unsure of herself - perhaps because she never fitted in with the popular sports-minded kids in school, therefore had fewer friends in this town.

She is supposed to start college in July. We will have to take out a $20,000 loan for her first year of college. We are EXTREMELY concerned she will not be able to stay focused and do well in school. She nearly failed her senior high school year because of this relationship - what will happen when she's on her own? We are by no means rich - this is a HUGE thing to take this loan out.

So what do we do? Unground her and let her make her own choices in life, cause that's what she's going to do anyway?
What do we do about college money borrowing?
Help! Thank you for any wonderful insight you may be able to offer.

[Fr_Chuck]

There is little you can do at this point in her life,

It is obvouis this man has mental issues. And it is possible that she will not go or start college, or drop out, but that is a risk with any child.
So why are you borrowing so much money, what about student loans in her name, and what about local JR colleges for the first couople of years.

But for now to the end of school, no cell phone, no text messages would be very proper.

And of course if he is told to stay away from her, there may be some criminal issues of interfering with custody if he takes her anyway.

[Stevienicks1985]

You are in a tough situation. Probably wondering if you should continue trying to stop her from seeing him and worrying that she'll rebel or do let her make her own decisions and see where it leads her.

Unfortunately I am not a parent and I am only 22 yrs. Old with a lot of growing up to do myself but I still remember being that age and adoring older guys. What I found however was that older guys liked younger girls for one reason only. It's easier to take advantage of them because they have just opened their eyes to the world and have yet to realize the world isn't always such a wonderful place.

In my opinion you should stick to your guns and continue to make it harder for them to see one another. If they aren't able to be alone it will fizzle out. She's young and naïve right now.

[Keeshond]

Thanks, Stevienicks1985!
EXACTLY... should we continue trying to keep them apart?
Do we let her know we know they're seeing each other and lying again?
Do we co-sign the student loan?

[Keeshond]

You are in a tough situation. Probably wondering if you should continue trying to stop her from seeing him and worrying that she'll rebel or do let her make her own decisions and see where it leads her.

Unfortunately I am not a parent and I am only 22 yrs. old with a lot of growing up to do myself but I still remember being that age and adoring older guys. What I found however was that older guys liked younger girls for one reason only. It's easier to take advantage of them because they have just opened their eyes to the world and have yet to realize the world isn't always such a wonderful place.

In my opinion you should stick to your guns and continue to make it harder for them to see one another. If they aren't able to be alone it will fizzle out. She's young and naive right now.

I am not sure how to respond to your help, so I've posted my answer a couple of time!
But, EXACTLY! Do we let them see each other, let them know we know they are sneaking around and lying? Do we support her decision to attend culinary school and co-sign the 20K loan?

[Keeshond]

There is little you can do at this point in her life,

It is obvouis this man has mental issues. And it is possible that she will not go or start college, or drop out, but that is a risk with any child.
So why are you borrowing so much money, what about student loans in her name, and what about local JR colleges for the first couople of years.

But for now to the end of school, no cell phone, no text messages would be very proper.

And of course if he is told to stay away from her, there may be some criminal issues of interfering with custody if he takes her anyway.

My husband believes we should contact his parents to discuss the situation because it said in one of the messages that his parents now support him and our daughter. Perhaps they are not aware of all of the lies?
He does not want to support her in going to culinary college any more and does not want to co-sign the note for student funding.
He's deeply hurt...
I am afraid if we don't allow her a soft place to land, we are driving her straight into his arms. If she doesn't do college, her only alternative will be to run from this home to his, because she truly believes she loves him. She's told my husband that at first she felt as though she were "saving him" from his awful life... now he's her heart and soul... okay...

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes why not bring them in, they may also put some light on his behavior, esp why someone his age would want to be with a 17 year old.

If she was 8 years older, then 10 years older is not that bad, but she still lacks the emotional maturity to make some right choices, esp when the other person is so mcuh older and experienced in controlling the other person.

But in the end, I can tell you from experience, you can put pressure on her, and control her, but you will never stop her from seeing him unless you put a leg braclet on her with a tracking system. She would skip school if needed to see him, But if it was me, I would make it controlled, and under rules,
Now personally I would like to say lock her away till she is 30 and throw him in jail but then we know we can't do that.

[froggy7]

A few things to consider: Is the college local? If it's not, sending her there may be the best bet, since the relationship may die a natural death if she's apart from him and surrounded by other people closer to her age with similar interests. Of course, she could just get involved with someone else there, and have the same sort of problems with school and concentration.

And I can tell you from experience that I stayed in a relationship much longer than I should have because his parents made it so obvious that they disliked me. And we were in LOVE, and were going to show THEM that they couldn't break us apart. If they had been politely accepting, I may have come to the conclusion that we had some major differences in life goals much sooner.

Which leads to a final thought... maybe you (and your husband, although this might work better as a mother/daughter talk) could sit down with your daughter casually and just talk about life? Ask her what she sees herself doing with her life, what her goals are, what she thinks a good relationship needs, what she expects a boyfriend to provide for her. Try not to judge... just listen. Perhaps you could dredge up some life experiences of your own (like "when your dad and I first got married, I thought it was the greatest thing. And then one day I ran out of peanut butter, and he just flipped out, and I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life in getting married. But we eventually did X, and ... etc.) You telling her that this relationship is not good for her may get her to dig in her heels. Her talking about what she wants in a relationship may get her to look at the one that she's currently in with less rosy glasses, which may lead her to decide that she wants something else for herself.

And you are fully within your rights to explain to her how you picture your life and what you will be willing to do for her as she gets older. Just remember the difference between giving an ultimatum and setting your own boundaries. "If you don't leave him, we won't pay for college" is an ultimatum. "Our personal belief is that you should go to college, but we do not want to waste our money if it's not your goal. Therefore, we will be willing to help with the college tuition as long as you agree to do your part by maintaining an X average, not getting in trouble with the law or pregnant, not acting disrespectfully (whatever other limitations you want to put in)" is setting your boundaries. The first asks your daughter to change to suit you. The second is just a description of your behavior. It puts the problem with you, not her.. it's your problem that you can't just give her money. She can then choose to meet your requirements, or not. And if she doesn't meet them, then you can be very regretful about not paying, but it's just not something that you can do.

[rachelander]

I don't have much of an answer for you, but I can say this. I am 25, and the mother of a 3 r old, so understand about worrying over a child... but, my husband, and my sons father, is 7 years older than me. I met him when I was 16 and he was 22, started dating him when I was 17 and he was 23. We got married when I was 20 and he was 27. He's a perfectly respectable man who wasn't trying to take advantage. We just had a great connection. Give your daughter a chance to make her own mistakes. Hopefully she is mature enough to make good choices.

[Shaunta]

Well... im 21... I Had My First Boyfriend When I Was 18 And He Was 27... yet He Did Work Have His Own Place And Didntr Smoke Or Do Drugs... not Only That He Didn't Work At A Pizza Joint... my Mother Had A Huge Issue About Out Age Difference But After Awhile She Seen That He Was Or Is A Good Guy So She Let Me Make My Own Choices... I Didn't Go To College Like I Was Suppose To When I Got Out Of School Because I Just Wanted To Spend Time With Him... he Kept Telling Me To Go... he Wouldn't Spend Time With Me During The Hours I Should Have Been In School Because He Wanted What Was Best For Me... I Don't Think You Should Taqke Out The Loan... I Think You Should See What She Wants To Do Before Nyou Do All That... I Also Think You Need To Talk To Her And Let Her Kjnow That He Obviously Is No Good If He Has Her Lying To You... parents Can Only Tell Their Child So Much But We As Kids Like To Make Our Own Mistakes (which Could Have Been Prevented If We Just Listened) Then In The Enfd You As A Parent Could Say I Told You So...

[vball43]

There is about nothing you can do at this stage in her life. Just stand back and let the chips fall where they may. But I have no experience or anything.