[groovygal]

Confused,
I know exactly what you are going through. Last year, my boyfriend of a yeaer broke up with me out of the blue, saying all the same stuff your boyfriend told you. He just didn’t know what was wrong with the relationship, he didn't feel the passion, etc. We had no contact for 6 months. I knew through a friend he dated someone for a month during that time.

During those 6 months, I was exactly like you. I was depressed, lost 20 pounds, slept and cried, and was really miserable. Every day was a struggle just to get through. Looking back it was a blur. I had a brief 2 month relationship, but I wasn’t nearly ready. It was just a distraction. Every day I acknowledged that I was depressed and wanted him back.

Then, out the blue, my ex called and wanted me back. He begged, said he had changed, etc. I wasn’t going to get hurt again, so I was sure to ask him all the “are you ready for a commitment,” “have you changed,” “what was wrong with us the first time,” “did you leave me for someone else,” questions. After he gave me all the answers I needed to hear, I took him back.

Things were great for three months. Then, one day he was a little distant. At the end of that week, he asked me for space and time, told me he was depressed, that he thought his medications were making him feel lethargic. He didn’t want a breakup.

Two weeks went by. He wasn’t calling, wasn’t returning calls, etc. Finally, I told him that we had to break up. There was no way I could support someone who wasn’t even talking to me. And eventually, if he was ignoring me, I wouldn’t even LIKE him as a person, much less love him anymore. If he needed me and wanted me to support him through the depression than that would be great. He STILL didn’t want to break up. He asked for a break. I said NO. Really, what was the point? We had all but broken up anyway.

So, it’s been two weeks without contact. Tonight I went over to his house to see if he wanted to go for a walk. I figured that as his friend, I would encourage my depressed, lethargic sad ex-boyfriend to get out of the house. Well, depression has been suiting him just fine. He was clean shaven, looked nice, dressed up, his car was freshly washed, and obviously he was anxious to have me leave his house. Turns out he had a date with someone he’s been seeing for several weeks, since before the break-UP.

The whole point of this is to tell you that
1. he’ll come back to you. That’s a given. He will call, and if you let him into you life by returning the calls, then you may even get back together, whether right or wrong
2. Sometimes a breakup needs a couple times to stick. Sometimes we just keep trying to make something work when it never will. It's not illegal to give the relationship another try, you just have to know you might get burned again.
3. Everything you’re feeling is natural. Every day is a challenge but remember that you are the normal one and you WILL get through this. You can't change him and what he does. You can only change how you will deal with him.
4. This happens to almost everyone. You and I are not the one people on earth to go through it.

So, put on some “hopelessly devoted to you,” cry your eyes out tonight ONLY, then tomorrow, put on Gloria Gaynor’s “ I will Survive,” (or the Cake remake of it which is much more angry), and move on with your life. That’s what I’m going to do.

Hang in there

[confused11]

Hey groovygal!
Thank you so much for the advice. I'm so confused and torn about this whole thing.I mean I don't even know what his intentions are, maybe he just wants to be friends and has no interest what's so ever to get back together. I really don't know. All I know is that I can't get my hopes up. For some reason my heart is telling me that getting back together would be the right thing to do. I mean at one point I thought he was THE ONE and I know he felt the same way for me. I know we both did things wrong in the relationship, I know I did something's wrong too, so maybe if we had another chance, we could have a better relationship. I really don't know. Its so hard. All I know is that I'm still totally in love with him, and maybe he needed time apart to realize that he loves me too. I don't know. Its all so confusing.

[talaniman]

Stop all contact for 6 months, and work on finding happiness without him. Stay busy focusing on yourself and what makes you happy without him. When he calls be busy or unavailable, which means brief or not at all. Hard as it will be, it will benefit your emotions, and give you the clarity you don't have now.

[confused11]

Its been almost two months, since my boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere. Well today I went back to our place for the first time in a long time to pick up the rest of my stuff. He was supposed to be at work till later but while I was there he actually called me. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was actually there at his place picking up my stuff. And he was like oh OK, and then he asked me If I wanted to grab something to eat with him. SO of course I said OK. He was being really nice, so I figured why not. So we went to get some food,we had fun, we talked, kidded each other and just felt like old times. I was going to pay for my dinner but he insisted on paying and it really just felt like back in the day. Well anyway, before all that happened, when I first got to his apt, I saw that he had taken out all this stuff that I have ever given him. I once gave him this big stuffed penguin and one other stuffed animal and they were both laying on his bed like he's been sleeping with them. I also gave him a couple of other things, a bubblehead doll and this picture and they were both hanging above his bed when they weren't there before. Also cards that I had given him for valentines day and his birthday and stuff where sitting on his desk like he's been reading them recently. Also my notepad that I had always used to write important things was laying on his bed so I picked it up and in it was a poem that he had written. It was about all the pain that he was in and how we sometimes thought he wanted to end it all, it was just really depressing.
So when we came back from dinner I asked him. I said do you ever miss me? And he just flat out said no. I asked him if he was over me and he said yes. I said how do you get over someone that fast. And he said you know me, I can burry stuff deep inside.
But the thing is that while he was telling me that he was over me and wasn't missing me, I could pretty much tell that he was lying. So my question is why would he do all that stuff and then just flat out tell me he is over me? It doesn't make any sense. Is he just saying that to make himself believe it? Or is he really just over me?

[gypsy456]

He broke up with you "out of nowhere"... or there were signs and you either may not have seen them or have not been willing to see them... sometimes, when we love somebody so much this happens...

He is obviously over you.
So you went out to have something to eat, he was nice...

He broke up with you.
He tells you he does not miss you.

Move on.
Don't look for meanings that may not even be there.

Don't go into the pretzel brain twisting... not a good thing.

[confused11]

Anyone else have any advice? Id really appreciate it.