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RubyPitbull · May 1, 2007, 02:29 PM

Originally Posted by Lacey5765

Thanks for the support. SHe comes home tonight so we will see how things go. I will try to be nice to him for her sake and give her the space she needs to make her own decisions. Wish me luck and prayers wouldn't hurt either.

I will do both!

Lacey5765 · May 2, 2007, 11:51 AM

Ok, update. It has been less than 24 hours since she has arrived home but to far so good. I took some great advice from some great people ( pat yourselves on the back). I was trying to be as "normal" as possible for her home coming and not show my emotions. So since it was to late to cook her favorite dinner I made her favorite cookies. We just had small talk but everyhting went well. She really does seem like the old daughter I left at college. I think I was afraid that because she wasn't sure of her beliefs I thougt she would be differnet person. The good News... She is still great! I do see that she is more independent but I guess that is what I want her to be. The issue isn't resolved but I do feel much better about it and think I may actually survive! We haven't discussed relgion yet but so far so good. Thanks for the prayers and don't stop yet!

NeedKarma · May 2, 2007, 11:54 AM

And she will always be a great person regardless of her beliefs. :)

RubyPitbull · May 2, 2007, 12:24 PM

Very true NeedKarma. Good parenting does that. :)

I am glad that you are relaxing a bit here Lacey. You know your daughter is a great kid. Keep up the good work. Enjoy her company this summer. Support and love her as you always have. :)

Auttajasi · May 2, 2007, 12:34 PM

I'm glad things are going well. Sounds like you handled it just like the good parent that you appear to be. Your relationship with your daughter will be stronger too, because she probably expects there to be some sort of 'speech' from you or your husband, or to be treated poorly for her decisions. When it doesn't happen, she will be grateful.

Lacey5765 · May 2, 2007, 01:18 PM

You all are generous. I do feel better but still anxious. I am not planning a "speech" but am going to continue to practice our religious beliefs as we always have. I will invite her and her boyfriend to attend and participate but will try not to force it.

RubyPitbull · May 2, 2007, 01:53 PM

Don't just "try not to" Lacey honey, please don't force anything. You will find resistance from your daughter if you do, and her boyfriend may use that to further his agenda. Include them in your activities. Surrounding them with positive messages, just might bring him around to respecting your beliefs and stop his judgemental behavior.

Lacey5765 · May 4, 2007, 06:19 PM

Update- All going well. My daughter chose to go to church Wednesday night with her siblings without any coaxing. I am feeling much better as I see she is showing her independence without being confrontational. I am not offering advice unless she asks. The boyfriend thing may fizzle out on its own as I'm not sure that they are as compatible now that she is here everyday. Hopefully she can get busy with other friends as they come home for the summer and she will be starting a job next week. Maybe she will see that she can be happy without a boyfriend at all for right now. I have been polite to the boyfriend ( much to my surprise I am not angry with him anymore). I am thinking the more neutral I am about the relationship the better. Maybe she won't choose to show her independence through him or church if she can be independent in other ways. ANyone who has survived a 19 yo might advise me on that note. Anyway, you all have been great when I needed support and I have enjoyed talking with you all.

chaplain john · May 4, 2007, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by Lacey5765

Update- All going well. My daughter chose to go to church Wednesday night with her siblings without any coaxing. I am feeling much better as I see she is showing her independence without being confrontational. I am not offering advice unless she asks. The boyfriend thing may fizzle out on its own as I'm not sure that they are as compatible now that she is here everyday. Hopefully she can get busy with other friends as they come home for the summer and she will be starting a job next week. Maybe she will see that she can be happy without a boyfriend at all for right now. I have been polite to the boyfriend ( much to my surprise I am not angry with him anymore). I am thinking the more neutral I am about the relationship the better. Maybe she won't choose to show her independence through him or church if she can be independent in other ways. ANyone who has survived a 19 yo might advise me on that note. Anyway, you all have been great when I needed support and I have enjoyed talking with you all.

Lacey
I've survived two 19 yos. Remain Neutral on most kinds of negative. Independence and encourage any pos.. Independence. Even if there is a problem if you can minimize the conflict she will forgive given some time. I have to admit that sometimes I didn't think mine would ever come back (I had some pretty bad anger issues back then and was always too outspoken) but after a while they did come around and we have a very good relationship these days and have had for quite some time (they're 40 and 36). After all is said and done you are still her Mom and she won't forget it.
Blessings,
John

Fr_Chuck · May 4, 2007, 08:43 PM

Yes, at the end of the day, even if she shaved her head, joined the "moonies" and was selling flowers at the airport, she is still your daughter and you love her.

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 10:22 AM

And just as I was starting to relax this... I walked in my daughter and boyfreind making out last night. Still clothed but more than kissing going on. We have always had long talks about this behavior and what it will lead and here it is. I think she had been going along with everything that she thought I wanted her to so she could avoid the argument. SHe had posted on her web site that maybe she should pretent that she does want what I want. Now what?? Can I not allow him here?

Auttajasi · May 5, 2007, 10:39 AM

This is a really tough situation. I really feel for you. On the one hand, you don't agree with her behavior, but on the other hand, you don't want to push away you daughter. I would be willing to bet that confronting her on this will cause more problems for you that you would like.
It is your home, however, and you have the ability to make and enforce the rules. However, if your daughter is doing this behavior in your house, she is probably doing it other places too.
This is what I am going to tell you. It sounds like you have been a great mother to her for these 19 years. At one point you just have to tell yourself that your daughter is accountable for her own actions, and you have to trust that your parenting over the years will guide her in the decisions that she makes and continues to make. You have taught her what is right and what is wrong. She knows this and knows that you know she knows this. You cannot force your will on your daughter. One of the greatest gifts that our loving God has given us is the ability and freedom to choose for ourselves. Remember, satan wants to take this freedom away.
In my opinion, you just have to let her make her decisions. It is OK to let her know what you think about the decisions she is making, but do it in such a nice way that will surprise you're her. This must be so hard for you, but it is not possible for you to govern every choice that your daughter will ever make. You just have to pray and hope that she will follow her heart and make the decisions that she feels are the right ones. Your Heavenly Father is very conscious of the situation. Always remember this.

RubyPitbull · May 5, 2007, 10:52 AM

Lacy, autta is right. If you banish him from the house, if you try to force your will upon her, she will go in the exact opposite direction. There should not be any argument. That is the exact wrong way to handle this. You have a right to tell her that she should be respectful of the rules of the house and that you are disappointed in her behavior. But, an argument over this is not constructive and will only lead to a division between you. Please try to avoid this. I think it might be wise for you to have a discussion with someone in your church that you respect and admire. Someone with older children or someone who was themselves a child in the same situation as your daughter is in. Knowing both you and your daughter, they can give you some insight and guidance on how to handle this situation.

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 12:45 PM

Ok we had a talk and I left it that they were not to be in our house alone and if we went to bed at 10 then he leaves. Her argument was that they were going to get married someday so it would be OK as along as they don't have intercourse. We talked calmly about how any sexual behavior is wrong but... I also tried to reason with her that although they both felt that they would be married eventually that most likely at 19 at 17 they don't know that. And how sharing these intimate moments with our marriage will be cheating their future spouses. ANy advise on how to let them see that they have no idea who to marry yet and are way to young to think otherwise? SHe also informed me that she has no intention of going to church once she returns to school and I told her that I had no intentions of lettting her have a car that I pay for either. I explained that a car was reward for making muture and good choices and if she wasn't making good choices she didn't get the reward. SHe is gone now to talk with the boyfriend about "cooling things down". HELP

NeedKarma · May 5, 2007, 01:51 PM

Isn't she 19? If my daughter waited until 19 to start heavy petting then I'd be more than OK with that, uncomfortable if it's my house of course, but OK. It's time to cut the cord so to speak.

RubyPitbull · May 5, 2007, 02:11 PM

Lacey, although you don't see it that way because you calmly spoke with her, what you are doing IS controlling behavior. NeedKarma and others have made a point that she is 19. What you are doing is treating her as if she is 16. Not good my dear. Not smart at all. Threatening to take away her car because you feel she isn't acting like a mature adult is like a slap in the face. It isn't as if she is running around toilet papering people's houses in the middle of the night. It isn't as if she is throwing herself on the ground and stomping her feet, screaming and crying. Telling her that she is way too young to be talking about marriage and she has no idea who she will marry, is also not good. She is deadly serious about this situation. She feels that she is going to be marrying him. You can't reason with that or tell her NO, absolutely not. She is legally of an age where can choose to marry who she wants to.

Doing these things you have done will push her away from you. You are trying to control a situation that you have no control over. What will happen when she returns to school? You won't be around and she will be with the boyfriend. With your current actions, you are pushing her right into his arms.

Please rethink your actions and responses. I know you were upset catching them but you need to tell her that their actions made you uncomfortable and you do not want them doing that under your roof. That is reasonable enough. It is your house and you have rules. But, telling her she doesn't know who she will marry and she is not acting mature is not reasonable in her mind. She has been living away from home. She is responsible for her life at school. You can't control that. If you aren't careful, she will go back to school and marry him while there.

You have to accept that she is not your little girl anymore, and you cannot force or impose your wishes upon her.

Allheart · May 5, 2007, 02:19 PM

Lacey,

God Bless you honey. Honest to heaven. I feel so bad for you. Your poor heart. Lacey, Lacey, Lacey. Try and relax. Try and let go of her, even just a little.

Now, you should make it known that no way under your roof should that ever happen and it should never ever happen again under your roof as it is disrespectful.

Lacey, that is all you can do. If you take any further negative mesaures with you, I promise you, ALL communication will cease. You will be lucky if you know is she has a cold or not.

I would not touch on your conversation that you had with her about the car. No, please, do not ban him from your home. You voice your displeasure to your daughter, about the things that you expect to be done and not done under your roof, and that's it.

Lacey, hun, hang in there. Put a rubberband around your wrist, and if you feel you are going into "trying to control mode" pull it and let it SNAP :).

Keeping you in our thoughts Lacey, we know how hard this is for you!

Lacey5765 · May 5, 2007, 02:42 PM

Well, despite the warnings she just returned from the boyfriend and said that after talking they both agreed that they were moving to fast. They have agreed to not be intimate and keep themselves around other people so that they are not tempted. By the way the boyfriend does not go to school where she is and she won't being seeing him unless she's home. Does anyone else see that having sex before marriage is wrong? I can't be the only old fashioned one left. This is our values and what she has been taught and agreed with until this relationship. Yes she is older now but that shouldn't change your moral beliefs. At this point I don't see much difference if they did get married .they are living as they are. Everything she does is centered around the fact that they plan to marry anyway. SHe has isolated herself from her former friends and changed her beliefs to match his so that they can be more compatible in marriage so would it really matter? At least then I wouldn't worry about the sex before marriage.

Allheart · May 5, 2007, 02:49 PM

Lacey,

Your mind is just racing and for things that like Ruby said, you really have not control over.
Why invite worry before it need arrive?

Each day with your daughter is a precious gift. Learn to embrace it.
Oh, I know it must be so darn hard. I can't even imagine Lacey. I am not a parent and more than likely I would be spinning just as you are, maybe even worse.

But you have done a beautiful job with your daughter. This is your time to breath out and start to see the results of your hard work. Trust and love your daughter, oh and be sure and purchase one rubber band, better make it two in case the first one breaks.

RubyPitbull · May 5, 2007, 02:51 PM

You are not the only "old-fashioned one left". I don't think you are wrong at all for believing sex before marriage is wrong. Your post led me to believe that they were not having intercourse but doing some heavy petting. I was also under the impression that they were together at school.

I know that she has adjusted herself to please him. I don't like the fact that it appears that he is controlling her behavior. I do believe it is not good that she is cutting off contact with her friends. She should be doing what she believes is correct and right, not being controlled by anyone.

I hope that they stick to their agreement. She needs to be around her friends and have her own life. A person cannot live their lives solely to please someone else.

Allheart has given you some good advice. I like the rubber band idea. Take deep breaths. Count to three. You don't want to force her to choose between you and the boyfriend.