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chaplain john · Apr 25, 2007, 06:21 PM

Ruby
As you say we all have off days.

My initial response to your first post following mine was done in anger and hurt. I should not have been so thin skinned as to have taken and voiced offense.
(Did that confuse you as much as it is now doing me? Hope you understand which one I'm talking about)

Your apology is accepted though not needed.

Blessings,
John

Lotz_of_Questions · Apr 26, 2007, 03:59 PM

Lacy, could it be that your daughter asked him to look in to the Mormon church then he just told him why he didn't like it then she asked why and he showed him why. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.

I know how LDS people are. I married into one. My mother in law doesn't like me, and they can be very pushy. Some people are great others can be mean. My hubby is LDS. I'm not, I'm not anti-mormon or anything I respect them, but I don't Believe.

Is it that you just don't like him because he isn't your faith?

Lacey5765 · Apr 26, 2007, 04:13 PM

Could me that this is how it came about. But again, I still don't believe that others should spend time making websites criticising any religion. ANd my concern was that she feels pressured to change to please him. I hope that she wouldn't pressure him to change his beliefs either. I also said that I don't dislike him. He is boy with high morals and from what I have seen a good person. I dislike the fact that she hasn't dated anyone else to know if he is the one she wants to be married to and she is making decisions as if he is.

Lotz_of_Questions · Apr 27, 2007, 08:33 AM

She doesn't need to date other people to know if he is the right one.
I married my first and only boyfriend. I felt he was the one.
That's how your daughter feels. You should respect her decisions, and if you don't support her she will, little by little lose relationship with you. Family is the most important, and even if you don't agree, just let her know that you'll support her because you love her. If this guy isn't the right one, she will figure that out on his own.
I agree with you that no one should make websites, books etc criticising ANY religion, but it happenes, and it will keep happening, but we shouldn't worry because we are not the ones doing it. Let others do what they want to do. The words shouldn't hurt us because we know (from our faiths) what's true.

Tuscany · Apr 27, 2007, 09:04 AM

You don't want to push your daughter away. So, I say accept him, support her, and let her know that you love her. That does not mean that he needs to be at every family function. But, she needs to feel that you involve him. The last thing you need is to lose your daughter over a boy. If he is the right one, then she is a lucky person to find Mr. Right so soon. If not, you will be there to support her, and help mend her broken heart.

Lacey5765 · Apr 28, 2007, 06:49 AM

I have really appreciated the support here. You all seem like great people. This has helped quite a bit. I will try to take some of the advice you all have given. I didn't say before why I felt like the boyfriend was not the right one for her before because I felt what I am goind to tell you now was personal. But after reading that so many here are unsure of GOd or a Heavenly Being, I want to let you know that I know He does exist. YOu may not agree with this experience and may try to discount it. Please don't. It is very personal to me and show that Heavenly Father hears out prayers. SO... Last Sept, Oct my daughter ( and I) were concerned about this relationship. WE all assumed that once she went away to school that the reltionship would end. Well it didn't and she knew that she had always wanted to marry a Mormon so she prayed to know if this person was the right one because he wasn't Mormon and she had strong feelings for him. SHe never got an answer just confusion ( for me that was an answer, no peace but confusion) but she kept praying because that was not the answer she wanted. Well on Friday night I prayer fervently that she would have her answer. The next afternoon she called me very upset telling me that she had broken up with the boyfriend because she woke up and had no feelings towards him. SHe was frightened by the experience but recognized it as God's way of answering her. SHe joked that she had always been hard headed and it took something dramatic to let her see. SHe was miserable and going through all of the pain that break up has. SHe missed him, she having a boyfriend and the security it brings. But she knew at that time although she couldn't exactlly explain it to him, that GOd was helping her make the best decision for her. To make a painful story short they got back together because she said it hurt too much without him. I have tired as you all have previously suggested not to push him away but couldn't feel as warm towards him after this. I have been friendly and he has been to our home since this all has happened many many times but I just don't feel that he is the right one. WHen this religion thing came up I reminded her that GOd had spoken to her and she was going against what he had told her. I reminder her that she has agency and will choose for herself. SHe now discounts that experience as being under too much stress at school. DOes this make since to anyone now why I feel so strongly that this good young man is not the one I want my daughter with? I do know that it really doesn't matter what I want. ANd that I can't not prevent her from this choice. My concern is honestly for both of them. I am afraid that they both will miss the person that GOd has for them both because they are not available to find that person. Hope this all makes sense. Again, you may not agree but please do not mock me. I am open to comments but not God bashing. I am too sensitive right now.

Allheart · Apr 28, 2007, 08:10 AM

Oh Lacey, I do understand and do believe. God answers all of our prayers and we can hear him, if we truly try and listen.

Now Lacey, I do wonder if you would have felt the same if after praying, she didn't react the way that she did, and felt love for her boyfriend even stronger. Would you still feel God answered your prayer?

Lacey, you have got to continue to pray, trust and believe. I think you are getting more spun up about this then even God would want you to.

Part of having faith is accepting and admitting that we really don't have any reason to have stress or anxiety, if we truly let God do the driving and accept His Will.

Please be careful in putting so much stress on yourself and your daughter in empahzing that God answered your prayer and by her still dating this young man, is going against God's wishes. I think it is unfair to both of you.

Perhaps, God is still formulating an answer to your prayer, and all of these steps you and your daughter are taking, is movement towards understand God's true intention and wishes.

Listen with your heart and try and close off your wishes and allow those of our loving Father in. God will not abandon niether you or your daughter, just continue to trust and have faith.

Lacey5765 · Apr 28, 2007, 08:13 AM

I understand. I think I have a problem with knowing how much is my responsibility as a parent and how too much to trust GOd.

Allheart · Apr 28, 2007, 08:24 AM

In a way Lacey - that is a beautiful dilemma.

Just keep in mind, while being a parent, God is always there to help you and guide you.
The best you can do, is to be there for your daughter, listen, continue to educate and give your loving advice.

I also believe that the Mormon faith has Bishops that head the congregation. How would you or your daughter feel about seeking advice from the Bishop? Even if you think you know what the bishop is going to say, if you truly wish guidance and want it to be in accordance with what your faith would want you to do, would it help to seek consult from the bishop? Just a thought.

I wish you peace and I pray that peace does come to you and your daughter. You sound like a beautiful loving and caring Mother and that makes me smile. I have no doubt, you have raised a beautiful and loving daughter.

Lacey5765 · Apr 28, 2007, 08:31 AM

Yes, I think we will use your advice. SHe comes home on Tuesday. I was going to go pick her up but I am afraid that the 6 hour car ride would be too much for me emotionally. I am so afraid to say the wrong things to her that may push her away. I can't seem to stop crying and didn't want her to have to deal with all of my emotions for 6 hours. So her dad is going instead. WHen she asked why I wasn't coming I told her the truth. I said that I was still really emotional right now and did not want to say anything that would hurt our relationship. SHe seemed to be OK with that. Maybe to Ok for me. :) WE have been talking but just small talk and that has been OK but didn't know if I could keep it together for 6 hours.

Allheart · Apr 28, 2007, 08:40 AM

Lacey-

Oh I am so sorry about all the tears that you have cried and do cry. Now that's one thing I do know for very sure, and that is, our Father, would not want you to be crying so many tears.

Lacey, give those tears over to our Father. Excerise that incredible faith that you have and truly believe that the Father is right there with you. That should put your heart at ease.

Lacey5765 · Apr 28, 2007, 08:49 AM

Thanks again, your concern and comments mean a lot. I feel blessed to have come to this site and have received great advice. I thank you all. I hope when I am in a better place I can do the same for others. You are right. I am an incredible control freak when it comes to my children. I truly believe that raising my children is the most important job I have. Maybe I am to learn a lesson here as well. I do have to have Faith in my Heavenly Father and know that he loves her more than I do and will protect her more than I can.

Allheart · Apr 28, 2007, 08:55 AM

Amen Sister Lacey :)

Now you just dry those eyes and please realize, that you are a blessing to us as well. To me, your faith, your wanting to lead your life according to Our Father's wishes, reminded me, who should actually be in charge :) So thank YOU and blessings to you as well.

You do have a beautiful problem on your hands if I may say. It warms my heart to see a loving Mother care so deeply for her daughter. And okay, yeah, a bit on the controlling side, but hey, :), if we all didn't have things to work on, well, we wouldn't be here to work on them. LOL.

My very best to you and I truly do mean it when I tell you that you have reminded me, who I should be turning to - to help guide my way.

Bless you Lacey and your daughter as well - I will keep both of you in my prayers.

RubyPitbull · Apr 28, 2007, 09:21 AM

I haven't been able to get back online as much as I had hoped.

Lacey, it is so upsetting to me to see you in such distress. Although I do have my own beliefs, I never force those beliefs onto others, and never discount someone else's faith. I try to encourage those people who post their problems that appear to be religious, to turn to whatever belief structure they have as a support when they are troubled.

I am so very glad Allheart was here to help you and that you are listening to her. She is as right as rain on this. As you can see, Allheart is a wonderful lady. She is truly a good person whose compassion is bigger than life at times, and she truly hurts to see other people who are hurting. As she has stated, you need to put your trust in your faith and pray. You know in your heart that you cannot force this situation to be what YOU want it to be. This relationship your daughter is in, will be guided and unfold the way it is meant to. I know the last thing you want to do is to push your child away from you. You need to find your strenth. Pray for it. Please don't fall apart on your daughter over this situation. Your family needs you to be the strong woman and support that you have always been. Please keep us posted as to how you are holding up with this situation.

Allheart · Apr 28, 2007, 09:29 AM

Thank you Ruby - I am so blessed to have met you. Thank you for loving me. I truly mean that. (Sorry Lacey, didn't mean to go off track - a hug for you as well)

Ruby gives the soundest most compasionate advice with a wisdom that makes what at first is so merky, become so clear. Bless you Ruby.

Lacey, we are all here for you.

Lacey5765 · Apr 28, 2007, 09:36 AM

I can see why you, ALLHEART have this name. You Ruby Pitbull, I am not so sure. Pitbulls are portrayed as mean and aggressive. Doesn't fit you at all! :)

RubyPitbull · Apr 28, 2007, 09:47 AM

Oh, don't be fooled. I am a true fighting pitbull when the situation calls for it. ;)

Lacey5765 · Apr 28, 2007, 09:51 AM

Thanks for the warning!

Auttajasi · Apr 30, 2007, 06:59 AM

Here are my thoughts. Getting angry or giving your daughter "the speech" may only push her further away from your family. When he is in your home, make sure that you include him in your family prayers and family home evenings. Include him as part of your family and respect your daughter's decisions. I know it may be hard, but there is nothing worse to a college kid newly away from home, than having parents nag at you about going to church things like that. This is probably the first time in her life where she is able to make her own decisions without her parents watching over her shoulders. She is just trying it out to see how it goes.
Pray lots and open your scriptures for answers. This has worked numerous times for countless individuals. I hastily remember a story about a general authority who was called on a mission with his. They were hesitant to go but were promised in a blessing that their child that has left the church will return and regain their testimony if they go on their mission. They went and their child returned. Remember, faith can move mountains. Surely faith can help your daughter too. Good luck.

Lacey5765 · May 1, 2007, 01:51 PM

Thanks for the support. SHe comes home tonight so we will see how things go. I will try to be nice to him for her sake and give her the space she needs to make her own decisions. Wish me luck and prayers wouldn't hurt either.