[SuzanneL]

I've been going out with this guy for about three years now, and we've moved in together. You'd think that would be enough of a reason to be assured of the relationship, but things just seem to be deteriorating... not that he sees that. When he gets home from work I'll be waiting (on the days I don't have lectures at uni), just like a little housewife, shopping all done, cleaning done, etc. and he won't give me a second glance, doesn't even greet me or kiss me hello. He gets himself coffee, and sits on the couch all evening, occasionally asking "what's for dinner?". I'm so sick of it. If I try to talk to him he completely ignores me and stares at the screen, and after a while I get annoyed and upset and depressed, which makes him yell at me to leave him alone. It always ends with me crying in my study, and him walking in at the end of evening merrily stating that he's off to bed now, whilst ignoring the fact that I'm obviously miserable. None of this seems to bother him at all. As a result, we have sex maybe once a month (if that), and even then he doesn't even kiss me. It's true that I've had problems with depression in the past, and so tend to draw the worst conclusions. But if you're already crying the worst thing is to be ignored by the one person who's supposed to love you the most. I just believe his love less and less every day, and he doesn't seem to care. I've told him my worries, and all he says is that it's all in my head, and to stop whining. How do I know what's going on?

If anyone could give me any advice, I'd be really, really grateful,

Thanks, Suzanne

[Secret_J]

Your partner doesn't seem to have an understanding of your feelings, or simply doesn't want to. He could be just “use” to you so in return takes you for granted for all the things that you do. As a LAST attempt, get his attention any way that you can and sit him down to talk about your relationship. Tell him its important to you that both of you talk. Tell him how you feel and try to be strong while doing so. Your relationship is very unhealthy for you to be crying all the time so both of you need to talk about the problem areas that's making your relationship go down the wrong path.

If your efforts are not being answered, and he still ignores you, then get out. He basically doesn't care about the way you feel and isn't willing to work it out. You don't need to put yourself through that. You don't need a man like that in your life. You need someone to appreciate you, who you are, and what you do for him. He'll realize what he's missing when you are not there anymore.

[missk]

Sometimes people just get bored with each other. When you do the same ol thing every day, it's not fun anymore. Before you let go why don't you make yourself not so available. Don't be home when he gets home. Go exercise or something. Keep yourself busy. Maybe he will start to miss you and come around to his old self again. As far as talking to him about things right now, try to leave it alone for a while and see what happens. If things don't change, then talk to him or write him a letter so he doesn't have to hear you "whining". If that doesn't work, well maybe you should reconsider the relationship. You don't deserve to be unhappy.

[kp2171]

missk has some good advice.

First of all, stop being his maid. Start doing things for yourself. Stop being there to constantly wipe his... well, you know.

I know you think all you have to do is all the hard work and it should turn out fine. Well, no. either you are in a relationship or you are not... and a relationship kind of needs two people rowing the oars to keep things straight.

So first... you have a history of depression. You know it. Do what you can to deal with that, including talking to a counselor if needed. Airing your frustration is a first step to figuring it all out... just like posting here.

Second, change your schedule some. I'm not saying don't wash his clothes and don't get dinner ever, etc. but if you are going to be happy, he needs to give a little. And you can also stop giving so much. And start channeling some of your energy into yourself, like the gym or a trip to the bookstore... you also need some "you" time.

And last, as mentioned, try to talk to him. Try not to be accusing or attacking... but if he fails or refuses to talk about this, then you have two choices.

1) decide you need more than this

Or

2) suck it up and live with it.

If you decide to stay in a relationship like this you will not have the right to complain. I'm not saying you deserve to be treated like this at all. I am saying you can choose how you are treated. You can demand more for yourself. And if you don't get it from him, well, that sucks... but you can take action.

I hope he buys a clue here soon. We all get lazy now and then in our relationships and we can also get preoccupied from time to time and neglect those we love.

He deserves a chance to make things right. You should give him a few more chances. But really, I think his treatment of you is low. If you were my sister or daughter id be pretty damn upset with his neglect.

Sorry you're in this place. Time to find ways to strengthen yourself a bit. Then its time to find out if he's really committed to this relationship. And knowing reality really is better than kidding yourself, whatever way it goes.

[Stunning07]

Make yourself unavalible it will work I can guarantee it, you need to start to go out with friends, be real busy it will take a few weeks but it will hit him, and when he gets mad keep doing it for a while until he totally understands how you feel... there's nothing wrong in what he's doing it happens all the time... don't quit, just be busy don't do what he expects you to be doing for a while good luck

[mckenzie134]

Definitely be unavailable... even if you don't have much to do just go out down the shops before he gets home drive down the park and read for a couple of hours with your mobile off so he can't call. Let him wonder what your doing. Go down the gym a few nights a week. Stop cooking dinner all the time and tell him your getting in shape. He will start to feel that your not always around and he will miss you and change his attitude,

[talaniman]

I'm afraid you have wrapped up too much of yourself into this fellow and have forgotten who you are and what makes you happy. I think you expect him to do things that make you happy and crash hard when he doesn't. Get back to doing the things that make you happy and take responsibility for your own well being. In other words get a life that you enjoy without him and make yourself happy. I'll bet it improves your out look and attitude and will show you that depending on him is is not healthy or realistic. You both need to learn how to talk and listen much better and pay more attention to each other.

[Krs]

I would teach him a lesson.
As you are home first, have a bit to eat, run yourself a hot bath, sit there and chill in the bath.
When he arrives home, don't make him see that all his prepared for his royal hyness... he is taking you for granted because you are being very available.
Let him do something.

Living with someone is a commitment.

At home when I cook my hubby tidies up! And vice-versa.

[SuzanneL]

That's the thing, you see we do divide tasks evenly. If I cook, he cleans up afterwards, etc, and vice versa. The thing is that I really want to be close, and he doesn't seem to want that as much. It's like any closeness there is only comes about when I specifically ask for it. It's driving me insane, because I don't want to think that we only do things together because I made it happen. I stayed at my parents' house for a few days (so as to be unavailable), we made up on the phone, he told me why he was so cold when he came home, bla bla bla, said we'd go out to dinner yesterday and start fresh. Optimism ever being a dodgy thing, yesterday I came back and... we didn't go out to dinner, because he said I got back too late, and that we'd do it today instead. This afternoon he went to see some colleague who'd just had a baby, and I wasn't allowed to come (which is typical, because his whole summer is booked with festivals, which, being "guy things", I'm not invited to either). I asked why I couldn't just come with him for things like that (because in the past I did go with him, and as far as I can tell nothing went terribly wrong), and he basically just laughed in my face. It's a kind of superiority complex; for example, when I asked him to come to a party at the faculty where I study, he refused because "as a teacher, he doesn't do student things anymore". Now he's sprawled on the couch watching cycling, and I seriously doubt if this make-peace-offering-dinneresque thing is ever going to happen. It's the same as always. We have a massive fight, he ignores me until I do something drastic, like leave for a week or so, apologises profusely on the phone and begs me to come back, and when I get back, it's just the same again.

As for going out with friends... I've moved so often from country to country throughout my life, that I literally have no one else to call. It's pathetic, but he's all I have. That and my parents, but talking to my mother about this just leads to endless discussions on spiritual healing, which is almost as aggravating as the situation itself...

[talaniman]

As for going out with friends... I've moved so often from country to country throughout my life, that I literally have no one else to call. It's pathetic, but he's all I have. That and my parents, but talking to my mother about this just leads to endless discussions on spiritual healing, which is almost as aggravating as the situation itself...

This is the whole problem, you don't have a life of your own that makes you happy. It is so unhealthy to depend on anyone, even your mate to make you happy. They cannot. Only you can, and until you accept that fact then you will be miserable, no matter what hubby does.

[diya]

Well, your situation is no different from mine.. and guess what I am married with two small kids... and though it distresses me and would have walked out long time back had I not got kids... also I am a firm believer in working out relationships... won't give up so soon but you're not married and no kids, so you can consider things in a different perspective... listen... first of all, NEVER cry in front of anyone... especially MEN(no offense meant here)... secondly, if you don't love yourself to command respect, how do you think they're going to give it to you. STOP INDULGING IN SELF PITY... get up girl... there's whole life ahead of you... it's not the end of the world but if you cry and feel miserable, then certainly is. You think this man is above God that you need to ask him for your happiness? POWER who is supreme.. ask him and he will give... STOP asking humans for your happiness... u'll get nowhere... this philosophy has made me strong over a period... have faith and smile... then he'd wonder what you're up to...

[Dancinlady]

He is emotionally abusive. Men like this DO NOT CHANGE. Get out of the relationship before your sense of self-worth is totally destroyed.