[jaywat]

I have just found out my husband of 14 years is gay. He has not had sex with a man but has been phoning gay chat lines for over a year. We have two children and he said that he loves me more than anything and would like to stay with me and the children. After 5 years of no sexual contact we recently made love 3 times but I insisted on no penetration. He says he will beable to penetrate me but I must give him a chance. Should I stay with him?

[ordinaryguy]

So why, after 5 years, the sudden interest in having sex? It doesn't sound like you're that thrilled with it. Was it to prove (to you or to himself?) that he could still have sex with you even though he's gay? Why did you insist on no penetration? Are you afraid he has had sex with somebody else and you're afraid of STDs, or is it an emotional thing? Is he promising to have no sex with anyone but you? Lots of other questions need answering before the big one of whether to stay.

If he's been doing gay phone sex for a year, I'd have to wonder if he's really willing and able to be monagamous or celibate for the long haul. You have to decide what you're willing to tolerate, but in my book sex (including phone sex) outside of marriage is a deal-breaker, regardless of gender. For reasons of physical if not mental health, I wouldn't have sex with him at all unless you're absolutely sure you can trust him to be strictly monagamous. Even then it wouldn't seem too satisfying given that you know he's doing it out of a sense of duty or obligation rather than genuine attraction. It's a tough choice you're facing. I wish you well.

[kp2171]

I don't think anyone here can really answer that, but we can certainly talk you though it.

No sexual intimacy means you are roommates and not lovers. And his phone calls means he's driving his emotions into other areas. It would be one thing, I suppose, if his phone calls made him want you more and made your sex life better. Clearly this isn't the case.

So knowing that sex seems to be more out of "duty" right now... lets face it, he could have been having sex with you and fulfilling his fantasies... it would seem that unless the thought of losing you brings him back to you intimately, again, you are more roommates than lovers.

I have an aunt who, after 20 years of marriage, just found out that her husband just isn't all that interested in her and doing things with her. He's a good provider. Nice guy. But, as his retirement starts to look, she's understanding that he's mostly interested in puttering by himself. Not interested in going places with her and enjoying life with her so much.

A different scenario, I know. Your guy seems, by your description, to be in love with you. Maybe he's attentive emotionally outside of intimacy? Are there other areas of concern?

Is that enough? I mean for most of us, sexuality does change in time. There's probably a point where you just don't do the things you used to do. But are you ready to give that up now? Or are you ready to give him up?

Maybe time to talk to someone who can help guide you, since you clearly are shocked and having to deal with frustration and anger and hurt. And he might say he wants to stay because it's the "right thing" to do... but is it?

Would he be open to marriage counseling?

[anam01]

I have just found out my husband of 14 years is gay. He has not had sex with a man but has been phoning gay chat lines for over a year. We have two children and he said that he loves me more than anything and would like to stay with me and the children. After 5 years of no sexual contact we recently made love 3 times but I insisted on no penetration. He says he will beable to penetrate me but I must give him a chance. Should I stay with him?

It is so said that your hubby is gay. Do something to change his mind by engaging him more and more in sexual relationship and giving him pleasure more than he can get from a man he loves.

[gypsy456]

Well... obviously something is not the way a husband and wife "should" be...
Five years no sex and you insisting on no penetration...

Seems to me that there is more behind this story...