[hbpenguin]

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend four months ago because he thought we were getting too serious, and he did not want to be in a relationship. We live around the corner from each other.

While we were going out, he told me that he was chatting online to a girl from another state, but that they were just friends, would never meet and I did not need to be worried.

Eight weeks after we broke up, the same girl from interstate came to stay at his place for the weekend, and now 16 weeks after we broke up they are on holidays together. He can't understand why I am so upset.

What do you think about his behaviour?

What is likely to happen in this new relationship?

Thanks for your help :)

[missk]

He probably really does understand why you are so upset. He is just saying that in hopes that you will agree with him so he can continue to do what he wants to do. It sounds like he is wrapped up in his own thing and I don't think there is much you can do but stay away. If you don't leave him alone you will push him further. He is going to do what he wants to do no matter what you say to him. Nothing is going to stop him. Just try to stay busy and move on with your life for now. That is the best thing you can do in my opinion.

[talaniman]

You were in this far deeper than he was, and now that its over he has moved on, and you haven't. What he is doing is his business, and really no concern of yours so leave him and his life alone. He is doing nothing but living, and you are making yourself miserable for nothing.

[kp2171]

I had a similar thing... girlfriend said she didn't want to date anyone for a time but, of course, if she did want to date again itd be with me.

less than two months later she was dating a guy shed been friends with.

I think your ex was attracted to her and conflicted. Best case scenario is that he also conned himself into thinking that maybe he didn't want to date seriously. And then when he was free he realized that dating someone else casually isn't really a lie... he's not dating seriously again, at least at first.

as for taking holidays together, well... id say there are clearly dating, but you can't know how serious it is right now. It could still be that all encompassing infatuation stage where it really isn't serious, but its new and you spend a lot of time together.

short answer is that your relationship wasn't right for him at the time. Options are:

1) he really didn't want to be tied to a serious relationship, and left yours not thinking hed act on the other, but changed his mind.

2) he didn't want to be in a relationship with you and used the serious thing to soften the blow

3) he still doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and he's just having fun with a short term fling that might end the same way yours did.

anyway... yes it sucks for you. Been there and had that done to me. Yes, you are allowed to be a little pi$$ed. But I moved on and was friends with the girl later. I never forgot what happened, but in my case I really do think she wasn't planning on dating... she just found our relationship too enveloping and didn't want to be tied down. Now she's chasing cowboys around in san antonio. =)

so, yeah, be a little grumpy, but move on. Whether he flat out lied or whether he had a change of mind, it isn't right and eventually you would have both moved on. I'm guessing its just annoying cause he moved on before you found someone.

[hbpenguin]

I think you are all correct. Thanks for your advice, and I will be moving on.

[hbpenguin]

I just wanted to add something, and really thank you guys again for replying to my post.

I didn't tell you the complete story, but it was really interesting because each of you were really spot on but in so many different ways.

I suspect/presume that he and I are older than the average person on this site (38 & 41), and we have both been married before and have kids. That really does affect how you view a relationship commitment. I think he was concerned about how strongly he felt, and I was really worried about the fact he had only been separated 12 months, 8 months of which we were together. I was completely supportive of our break-up, and it was actually very civilised and we agreed to be friends.

Everything was going really well, until I discovered that he was lying to me about the other girl. I am a pretty strong person, and if he had told me upfront in a considerate way, I think I would have understood. But guess what - he was just thinking about himself, and being dishonest is not a good way to interact with a friend.

I started to move on, as advised, and again everything seemed fine. I opened my heart to forgive him, and we met. It was clear to me that he was still in love with me, but I respected his choice to be involved with her. Two weeks later (last week), I found out that he lied to me again - this time about the holiday with her. I guess he did not want me to realise that the relationship was getting that serious, but unfortunately broken trust is much harder to heal than the hearing the truth!

Anyway, I have decided that I do not want to see him again now, and I do not want to be friends. Being selfish is one thing, but being dishonest is another... As our very blunt friend says "it is time to move on".. "he has"... so will I.

Thanks again my friends... :-)

[missk]

Good for you! Stay strong!! :)