[debi0501]

Not sure where to start and didn't want to make this too long but I am torn between leaving and staying with my current partner. I have asked friends and still not been able to make an informed decision so I thought to try an outsider view.

I'm 46 years old with 3 grown-up kids (youngest, 21 still with me/us). I live with my partner age 50 in his house and pay him a monthly 'rent', we have been together 4 years, lived together for 3 years. I work full time and so does my son (he also pays partner monthly 'rent').

Partner runs his own business from home and is heavily involved in the local village social club but I often found myself sitting at home 5 nights per week and started to feel unimportant to him and alone. So, I joined a running club, the gym, yoga and took up volunteer work in the evenings. Even though we go out on the 2 evenings he keeps free, I feel like an appointment in his diary and even though he is there in person, he is not with me mentally and only wants to talk about the social club and the goings on there.

I have now started to feel that we have nothing in common. I don't like to centre my leisure time around drinking whereas he does. I get invited to the social club occasionally for a function but I don't enjoy it. I have tried to suggest 'together' activities, like the running, but he isn't interested.

How does this situation sound to other people? I still have my son to talk to when he is home with me but he is looking to move out next year with his girlfriend.
TIA
Xx

[talaniman]

You sound perfectly incompatible with little or no communications to be honest. You have also built a life around him instead of your own and to be frank socially isolated yourself. Pretty clear your resentment over him not being more available mentally, spiritually, physically, or emotionally.

Did I mention you may be incompatible? He has a life that doesn't depend on YOU, and you NEED a life that doesn't depend as heavily on HIM. Seems the commitment toward a future together is nonexistent. Without equal commitment then your relationship is very simply landlord/tenant and obviously you want more but I doubt it's with him long term.

I don't see you staying much beyond your son leaving, or either of you adjusting to the needs of the other in a more equitable, committed manner. This isn't an equal relationship, plain and simple, and the odds it gets better is NOT good. You don't need an informed decision to stay or go, since you already have enough facts to decide that for yourself.

No doubt you have saved a nice nest egg already, and can do as you please for yourself right? Are you afraid to do your own thing, and build a life that you enjoy without him, or something?

[debi0501]

Thank you for the direct reply. I do indeed have a nice nest egg and a decent paid job so I am therefore not reliant on him financially. I feel as though recently I have also began to lead an almost separate life from him with my recently acquired hobbies and some nice new friends. In the back of my mind though, I am scared of making a mistake because he is not abusive and is quite charming/pleasant - i.e. a normal person I guess! But I come from a long line of fairly abusive marriage/relationships.Thanks again

[talaniman]

Thank him for his time, and carry out your own plan. Never forget that the time spent was probably a good thing, and be grateful for it, but it's usefulness has come to an end. Look forward to continuing the journey being better for the time together.

NO REGRETS this time.

[joypulv]

I agree with all the above. I happen to be a big fan (as a woman alone) of owning my own home. NOW IS THE TIME, while mortgage rates are still just under 4%!!! Just think, when the rates are 10, 15% someday, you will be sitting pretty. My first house was bought when rates were 16 1/2%, but of course the house was super cheap, so we just refinanced at a lower rate...
Grab your son while you can to help you look for one and maybe even do some small renovations.
Try for 20% down, even if has to be small, or a condo.
THEN, for the icing on the cake, look for a female roommate. Screen them carefully and take your time, so you don't run into the social club/drinking type. Interview as though you are interviewing for a conjoined twin.
A romantic interest is last in this plan, or anywhere in the middle... but not vital. You sound like someone who doesn't feel that she has to have a man.

[talaniman]

Joy makes excellent points, especially about not making a relationship a high priority, when building a life without one is a solid foundation to do anything you please. Then your options, and opportunities to explore and experiment with dating can be UNLIMITED, and would not hinder your independent journey through life. The good news is your choice of guys has shown a marked improvement hasn't it?

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18-80, blind, cripple or crazy!*

*Easy on the crazy. Dating is having fun getting to know if someone is worth committing to for more, or NOT. Hehe, you can still be friends. It also affords you both time for the lust to wear off and the FACTS can be evaluated logically.

Who needs to date anyway? You should be having fun doing your thing with good people as far as I'm concerned. That looking for love stuff is for hopeless romantics who thrive on the rollercoaster of high hope. That's not you is it?

[debi0501]

My choice of men has definitely improved! I'm not the kind who NEEDS a man, I managed to become very independent after the breakdown of my last long term relationship when I lived with all 3 of my kids - just us and I loved it. My daughter graduated from University last month and myself, all my kids and their lovely partners went up North to celebrate that; my partner didn't come with us. We actually had an amazing weekend and I relish being with them, they are so much fun and a pleasure to be with. Sorry went off topic a bit there. I'm going away with friends at the end of October; we are climbing a mountain and I am going away in March with another set of friends to Ireland for a long weekend.

BUT I have a holiday booked with my incompatible partner at Christmas, yikes!