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MoJo121212 · May 17, 2017, 05:19 PM

So I have been dating my girlfriend for 8 months. I am 35 and she is 33. Everything has been going well until I invited her and her parents to my mothers retirement party in June. She said she wasn't comfortable with it and that it meant we are more serious than she thought we were. She noticed I was annoyed at her response and then said she needed time to think. A few hours later, she called to tell me that she is unsure of her feelings, doesn't know if she can give me what I deserve, and needed to take time to herself to sort out her feelings. My response was that if she needs time and space, I will not be around and she must do it on her own. I will not hang around and be strung along. So, I went no contact and disappeared.

Just to put this into perspective, throughout our relationship she has told me that she loves me, is committed to me, loves me on a spiritual level, wants to spend more time with me, and was bothered as to why I haven't been posting many photos of us recently on my instagram. In fact, those were things she told me just two weeks prior her telling me she needed space to sort out her feelings. I have been around her family countless times... even sitting in a Christmas photo with her and her family on her mothers wall.

2 weeks after she called a break, I decided that this was not what I wanted and began the process of moving on. I removed her from all social media, as well as her friends and sister. This included photos and follows. Just two hours after I did this, I receive the first message from her in 2 weeks. She wanted to know if I was available to speak and that she missed me. I told her that I was not available and that maybe I would be during the week. She reached out again a few days later and we had a conversation.

In person, she told me that she missed me, wants to be in a relationship with me, respects me, admired me, but not sure if she loves me romantically. She wants to take things slow and see if something develops for her. To be honest, I feel that she is still trying to sort her feelings out, but being selfish and wants me there until she figures it out. I told he that I needed time to figure our what I want. Her response was asking me if I was going to prance around being single. I told her that hearing what she just told me really hurt and not sure if this was for me. She mentioned that she's never felt more comfortable with anyone and that no one has ever treated her so good.

How does she go from telling me she loves to throughout the relationship, to taking a break, but wanting to get back and not sure if she loves me?? What should I do? I am still a young man, but at the point in my life where I am settled in my career as a teacher, professor and PhD student. I am also looking for someone to eventually build something with. Does this girl sound like someone I can eventually build something with?

talaniman · May 17, 2017, 07:22 PM

No, because you are very unwilling to make adjustments to your plan, and honor her pace in how she want to proceed. That's okay guy, but since you see no compromise, or a reasonable path forward together, then you did the right thing for YOU! To be fair though, it's only been 8 months, and your mind is set, hers is NOT, and I don't blame you for being unwilling to be part of her experiment. Plain and simple she isn't ready to call it quits, and you may be waffling, holding on to the chance she sees it your way, and she might eventually.

The deal breaker for me though was refusing to meet your family, as you have met hers, and that should have been the discussion. I get taking it slow and all but fair is fair in my book. That may be a red flag that her taking it slow does not include a lot of compromise with you either, and without being willing to compromise out of ones comfort zone, then why are you both waiting each others time?

Heck guy in just keeping a simple casual dating relationship, without the high expectations of getting to the next level, meeting and interacting with family and friends is just part of the building a bond as you get to know each other, so ask yourself why you two don't at least have that. Naw, I don't see much future, because taking it slow, and not being comfortable interacting with your people is small potatoes in the grand scheme of building a life together.

That's the easy part. You made no mention at all about discussing her discomfort, which in itself would be another red flag to be addressed. Why didn't you explore that too?

joypulv · May 18, 2017, 03:43 AM

Stamping an 8 month long relationship with the title 'commitment issues' says a lot about you, despite the picture you paint of her. It's unfair, no matter the imbalance in the family participation.

I'm going to take a little leap into speculation, because she isn't here to tell her side. It all hinges on this: 'I feel that she is still trying to sort her feelings out, but being selfish and wants me there until she figures it out. I told he that I needed time to figure our what I want. Her response was asking me if I was going to prance around being single.' DO YOU HEAR THAT LAST WORD??? Do you get it? She wants to know if you want to marry her. Or anyone! Now that makes her just as unreasonable as you asking if she has commitment issues, in my book. But speaking as a woman, I do know that old social imperative about marriage. I was that way myself, decades ago. And she is 33.

She included you in her family events because she wanted you to see what you would be getting and to see what she came from. She won't go to your family event because she is merely a girlfriend, not a fiance. Old fashioned double standard, but that's the gist of it.

Write her a letter (yes, snail mail). Ask her if she wants to talk about the future, the rest of your lives. Don't say 'together' and don't mention marriage, because that should be done in person, even if you aren't asking her to marry you. You can even ask her about children. It may be weighing heavily on her mind. She's 33! I know this all sounds paradoxical, because she's unsure about you. It is paradoxical. She's retreating and unsure because she wants to hear that M word.

Have you ever talked about each of your own wishes and plans for the future? If you had, in depth, I don't think you would be in this mess.
DO you think about marriage? About marrying HER? About having children? Like, SOON? If all that makes you uncomfortable, then say so so that she can move on.

Oliver2011 · May 18, 2017, 03:51 AM

"loves me on a spiritual level" - I have never known what that means.

If your goal was to get your way only or nothing, you have succeeded. I think we all have been in a relationship where we weren't 100% sure this was the person. She sounds like she's at that point. Kudos to her that she isn't leading you on and that might save you from huge relationship breakup pain later on. Good luck.

MoJo121212 · May 18, 2017, 08:18 AM

When she told me that she needed time and space, IT WAS HER that said she believes she has commitment issues. I am not labeling her as having that... she herself said that to me.

Another point I should clarify is that she has met my family, but uncomfortable with her parents meeting mine at this retirement party.

Yes I think about marriage. She knows that is what I am hoping to build towards at this stage in my life.

joypulv · May 18, 2017, 08:39 AM

Oh good! You are 35. How much 'building' time do you need, when women don't have that luxury?
Yes, I'm being a bit defensive of her. I'm the only woman who has responded so far.
Day after day, men come here and gloss right over the subject of children.
But hey, don't go by me. Don't bring that up with her. You may be the best guy in the world, but you seem a little obtuse about that one very important topic. You haven't touched on it at all, even after I asked.

'Yes I think about marriage. She knows that is
what I am hoping ( an eternity)
to build towards (another eternity)
at this stage in my life.'
She'll be lucky to have one kid, after all sorts of fertility treatments and tests and tests of the baby in utero.
Your response sounds so dragged out in time that I would give up if I were her, at age 33. It reminds me of the cheerful Russian toast to long life: 'Tomorrow I might go plant the tree that will build your coffin.'

MoJo121212 · May 18, 2017, 09:30 AM

I told her that I want a family. She tells me that her cousin had a baby at 41, so she feels that she has time. I've also mentioned that I do not want to start a family at 45. At present time, she wants to be in this relationship, but can't predict the future. I've been very attentive to her wants and needs, but after being hit with that bombshell of how she feels, maybe I should focus a bit more on me??

talaniman · May 18, 2017, 11:31 AM

Thanks for explaining that retirement party thing, but it brings us to yet another question. Did she at least talk to her parents, and give them the choice to meet your parents?

She doesn't want a break, she just doesn't want to rock the boat you two have now, and what that has to do with your parents meeting is anyone guess. Maybe you'll get over this so called bombshell she dropped on you, and figure that out, but it's obvious you cannot date casually unless you do. I think that's the route I would go if things were cool after 8 months except for this family meet thing, but I'm a go with the flow type of guy, who adjusts, and keeps it real, as far as the future goes. (Yeah you threw me with that not wanting to start a family at 45 remark, where did that come from?).

It appears this is all about managing your own feelings, and expectations at this point to be honest, and that's something to consider, but only YOU know if this is a real deal breaker or not, or you just feeling disappointed and rejected at your grand plan to move things along to the next level.

Regardless though, it's your choice how you deal with this, but if you are not willing to continue this EXPERIMENT then DON'T. You always have the option to EXPLORE your world without her. Is that what you want?

Tell me. Let me guess this is your first real conflict? Tell me that too. Does she have a career? maybe she want that more than a family and cannot understand your hurry....I don't know.

joypulv · May 18, 2017, 02:19 PM

I can't figure you out.
The most important 'clue' to her was this Her response was asking me if I was going to prance around being single.
Yet somehow that doesn't gibe with anything else you report.
I give up. I THINK she's telling you that you are too unromantic, plodding, vague, and are treating her like an item on a checklist. That you AREN'T on a beautiful vacation together, all alone, offering her an engagement ring, telling her she's the only person you can imagine spending your life with.
But what do I know?

MoJo121212 · May 19, 2017, 08:02 AM

She did not talk to her parents about it. She said she was uncomfortable with having her parents meet mine, since that only happens, according to her, when the couple is seriously considering marriage.

I am all for building something solid and long lasting. I have even told her this. However, she claims she has commitment issues and doesn't want to rush anything. I understand that.

I have been extremely romantic with her, as well as loving and caring. I would want to discuss some kind of future with her, but she would feel anxiety when I would bring it up. I am having a hard time trying to figure her out.

When she told me she wanted time and space to see how she feels, I told her if that is what she wants, she cant be contacting me until she's figured out what she does want. Her response was the prancing around being single comment. I am guessing she interpreted that as me wanting to see what else was out there.

talaniman · May 19, 2017, 09:30 AM

There is nothing to figure out here guy, she isn't ready for that kind of talk, or anything that may infer a deeper commitment. As I said she didn't want a break up, she just wanted a break from that kind of talk. She just wants the "casual, enjoy getting to know you" sort of thing that you have. I suspect that's what she has been telling you all along with this commitment issue thing.

She has issues remember! If you aren't willing to deal with them, then what's the point? More important if you aren't willing to accept her terms, then what's to figure out? Seems rather plain to me, she has commitment issues, and isn't ready for any kind of commitment, and that issue will always raise it's ugly head until she changes it.

Do you at least have an agreement to be EXCLUSIVELY dating? If you aren't willing to go along with the program then walk. If she is unwilling to talk about where those feelings come from (If she knows) then RUN!!

Personally you expect a lot from this stranger after 8 months, and at this time I see neither of you looking for a middle ground to proceed with this experiment. AGAIN if casual ain't cool for now, get out! If you don't have the patience to invest yourself any longer be done with this.

You don't have to figure her out just yet, but you really should figure yourself out, and not through the emotional lens of frustration, surprise, or perceived rejection.

joypulv · May 19, 2017, 12:27 PM

OK, I give up. Go with talaniman.

I'm changing my response to You Two Aren't Remotely Meant For Each Other.

Even though very very deep down, I STILL think she's being coy to the nth degree, and wants to see a ring.
Given that I can't stand that kind of person, I hope you do break up.

MoJo121212 · May 22, 2017, 05:38 AM

We are exclusive. She tells me she is committed to me and that we are in a serious relationship. However, she went from telling me she loves me before the break, to now not saying that.

talaniman · May 22, 2017, 07:03 AM

You have issues and should work on them, and let her work on hers.

HARSHNESS WARNING

Don't get all insecure and needy. Instead be grateful you have worked things out and are still together so you can enjoy learning about each other. Relax and let the emotional dust settles and see what happens next. There is ALWAYS something happening NEXT!

A 35 year old guy shouldn't be sweating the dumb shat! That just leads to some very sloppy thinking! Control yourself like mature adult, in a mature adult relationship.

TMinetta1915 · Jun 18, 2017, 12:11 PM

So my girlfriend and I have been together nearly a year. I am 35 and she is 33. A couple months ago, she decided that she wasn't sure what she wanted and called a break. I agreed and let her be. She decided to come back two weeks later. However, she told me that she didn't love me and wanted to see if this connection was real. This last week, I decided to end the relationship. I had a feeling that something wasn't right, as well as never felt right myself since she came back to the relationship.

I asked if she was happy and she responded that she wasn't unhappy. I then asked if she loved me. She responded that she did, but not romantically and wanted to stay in the relationship to see if those feelings developed. The following day, I drove over to her place with all her stuff that she had at my place and ended the relationship.

I am looking for more of a serious commitment and feel that if those feelings aren't developing after being together for nearly a year, they will most likely not develop. Therefore, I told her that we both deserved better and it was unfair for me to stay in a relationship like this. I felt as if I was being strung along until she decided how she felt, which was unacceptable to me.

Did I make the right decision to walk away knowing how she felt and knowing that I want something more?

talaniman · Jun 18, 2017, 12:52 PM

Of course you made the right decision for yourself! Why would you doubt that? Like you say after a year, and things were unacceptable why stay with it?

You are free to find better, may take some time, but you will.

TMinetta1915 · Jun 18, 2017, 01:28 PM

Of course it was for myself. I know what I want, but also know my value and my worth. To stay would be me showing no self respect and self worth. I hope she finds what she wants, but in the end, I need to worry about me.

ScottGem · Jun 18, 2017, 03:15 PM

Why did you change names and not continue this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-832300.html

TMinetta1915 · Jun 19, 2017, 06:02 AM

Thank you, I'm glad you asked. I wanted to continue the thread, but I cannot log back into that account. I requested a password reset, but no link was sent to the email address, nothing in spam either. So, instead of trying to figure it out and waste time, I just created a new name and asked the follow up question.

talaniman · Jun 19, 2017, 06:15 AM

How did 8 months turn into a year in just under 30 days? Doesn't change what I have posted, but consistency of the facts is expected when we have site glitches. However you are hardly the first one dating someone with different goals and outlooks. Sometimes you want more from the relationship than your partner does for whatever reasons, or issues.