[Anissafr]

All right, so we’ve been together for nearly 5 years now. He lives in London, and I am in France. We met the summer I started my studies. I am now in my first year of masters (it’s 2 years in France) and he’s finished his bachelor 3 years ago and he’s now working. For the background, I left my parents’ at 17 to live on my own (for my studies), and he’s still live with his mum, brother and little sister. He’s 27 and I’m 23. His family had a bit of a rough time where he is now the man of the house and the breadwinner.
During these 5 years I have lived in London for 5 months at his mum’s house for a first internship, and another 4 months on my own for a second internship. He’s spent one summer in my house after he graduated. Now he comes to visit me every month for a few days and less often I come to London for a short period due to my studies.
This long distance relationship has weighed on me a lot these past 2 years, and he doesn’t seem like he’s willing to take it any further. He talks about what the ideal marriage is like for him and we had many conversations that would not bring the relationship at a further stage.
Now I am very confused, as I start to think about after I finish my masters and moving in together and end this long distance relationship. I am ready to go to London and move in with him after 6 years of relationship. He doesn’t want to and wants to keep in this way for the time being, reasons being:
- He has too many responsibilities in his own family
- He doesn’t want to rent in London as it would be loads of money wasted
- He feels like our relationship is not up to the standard of taking it further and wants to lay down good foundations before starting anything with me but at the same time doesn’t make many efforts towards it. I made a lot of efforts in adapting to his family (Ghanaian family) where I struggled quite a bit with the culture difference as an example. He’s learning French but at a slow rate which prevents him from having real conversations with my mum.
- He’s a hard worker working 24/7 to his goal, all his energy goes to building his company when he’s not sleeping. He said I should have my own objective and follow through on my own and points it out to me when I say I want to start building things with him.
Last year I was on a gap year, where I got depressed due to the lack of direction of our relationship combined with the fact I was staying home because I couldn’t find a job. He wasn’t much supportive and in some ways I still have sad feelings about it. He keeps telling me he loves me and cares about me though. When we are in our respective countries, we can’t talk about the things that matter as every time I bring it up he gets annoyed because I am “stealing his time” in talking to him and says we should talk about them face to face. On a daily basis, our conversations are very much superficial, and we mainly talk after midnight as he is very busy working. When we do see each other it is a different case where we have great times even though it is severely interrupted by his work.
Now I have to think of a plan after I finish my masters, but I’m in total blur in what to do. He is a great person and can’t think of breaking up with him, I love him more than anything in his world and want to be closer to him. But at the same time I don’t know what to think because it’s causing me a lot of pain to be in a blur. He said at the end of the day we die alone, and my plan shouldn’t be according to him. I feel somewhat rejected, are his reasons valid for not wanting to end the long distance? Should I find a job in France and wait till he’s ready? What should I do? What should I think?

[talaniman]

I think a hard working, talented, independent, strong female should be building a life that you enjoy without him. If 5 years hasn't brought you closer to a plan then take him at his word, and be great apart.

You can start TODAY! Sorry not what you may want to hear, but at least take as much time as you need, to figure out if he is really worth waiting for, or do you deserve the life you have worked hard for.

Do your own thing for a while, and see how you like it! Do this for you, not him.

[joypulv]

I am a woman who empathizes with you, being much the same at age 23 (47 years ago!). Many if not most women want relationships to move in nice steps of no more than a year for each important milestone, which I think is partly what we saw our parents do, and partly all about when we will have children. Tick tock goes the biological clock.

Having said that, I admire your boyfriend very much. He is completely clear about his plans and his reasons for what he is doing. You have no reason to be confused, other than wishing he would change to what you want him to be, which isn't fair. He is not 'wrong.' He has chosen work and family as most important to him. He loves you, but will give you up if you don't like the direction the relationship is going.

You are asking total strangers what to think and do. That's something only you can answer. We can all throw in our 2 cents, but the decision is yours.

I too would build a life that you enjoy without him. You can't imagine breaking up with him, but really, how committed is this relationship to begin with? It isn't! If you can free yourself from that old notion of a future with him in nice neat steps all planned out, you can continue to see him while expanding your options, and by that I mean being open to the idea of dating other men. Just don't force yourself to date. There's nothing wrong, lonely, or doomed about not having a man. You will have a career that can take you anywhere. Treasure your friends. This man might be the 'right' man someday - or someone else. Let it all work out.