[Thermo77]

Hello there,

I've been on this site a few times in the past and it really helped me. So I thought I'd reach out again.

I just got out a of a 3 year relationship that I ended. For probably 2 years we were very happy and in love as we dated. But when things started to get serious and we made plans to move forward and move in with each other I could tell something was wrong. At the beginning she was excited as I was. It was a fun time until her family found out about it. She seemed very stressed and worried about it when it came to them. Her mom had a distaste for me once I introduced her to independence and the perks of being on her own(she lives at home still). I didn't realize that would be the deciding factor later on.

So for the last year I bent my standards and changed who I was just to keep the relationship alive. Inside I was upset because I couldn't let go yet I knew she just wasn't capable of being where I was in life and in our relationship. I started to realize I was the only one fighting for what we had and no matter what she was never there when things were hard or challenging. She would just go along. I thought once she moved out and started living her own life things would change.

We made 2 attempts to move in with each other. Both times she waited until the last week and then the last day before to tell me she wasn't going to come both times. She told me it was because her family wouldn't support her decision. It destroyed me. I was bending over backwards to be this person I didn't want to be while manipulating everything in my head so it would be OK.. Here's this person I would go through a mountain for, telling me I will always come second basically.

I had enough of trying to carry us alone while what we thought as a couple didn't matter. Things just got worse and worse and her family trying to interfere at every turn didn't help. But she allowed it. She actually abandoned me over the holidays and told me she couldn't see me because her mom wouldn't let her(I'm 26 and she's 22). I was blown away by this as this is the girl that I thought loved me deeply for 3 years. After a month of texting I told her if she can't physically see me anymore than we can't have a relationship. She had no answer for this. Just kept saying sorry and she loved me, same wishy washy crap as always. So I ended it a few days after our 3 year anniversary, that I spent alone.

It's been 3 months since the breakup and 2 months of no contact. I've never been so depressed. Work is my only escape and I only work 4 days a week. The other 3 days and all my evenings are just emotional torture. I've never been this low before. I have this awful cycle of thinking that won't stop. I just remember the good times over and over. The pain is unbearable. I'm in this pit and I can't seem to get myself out. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'll never meet anyone again and I'll be alone forever.

Any advice or success stories from something similar would really help.

Thanks in advance

[joypulv]

Curious why you started a new ID? I wanted to look at your older posts. For starters, what country you are in. It makes a big difference for a typical 22 year old woman.

Anyway, I am sure that it hurts to know that she gave you up for family. But you just can't say 'girl that I thought loved me deeply for 3 years.' 19-22 is too young and 3 years isn't long enough for the real tests of love. Your expectations are too high.

Keep a social life going - ask friends to drag you around with them even if you are no fun.
Force yourself! There is no other cure but activity + time.

There can be a big difference in maturity in the early 20s.
Keep your hopes going by thinking about dating girls closer to your age.
But for now, stay in groups. Be the quiet guy in the corner. I always went for those guys 50+ years ago!

[talaniman]

While its very common for people to be very devastated by the heartbreaking disappointment of a break up, in time you will see the obvious red flags that you totally ignored for the last few years... she wasn't ready to give you what YOU wanted a lot more than she did. To be fair, I think we all ignore red flags when we are blinded by those intense feelings of attraction to another.

You probably tried hard to seal the deal, no doubt, and all that effort makes the failed outcome even harder to swallow, especially since you dreamed of being together ALL your waking and sleeping moments. I get the hurt you feel. I know you had the best intentions, but no ACTION, and NO PROOF! That's just reality. Did you ever go to her peeps and put down that LIFE commitment with ACTIONS? Show them your bank account and set a date for MATRIMONY? DUDE... you wanted the prize without any risk? No parent goes for that and to keep it real, most smart girls do either, since she has a bunch to lose after you knock her up. It's a parents job to protect their kid, YES KID, from some hang dog horny dude trying to STEAL their prize!

Was this one of those long distance, online things though? Did you date in person, and have that couple's fun? Were there real actions and moments behind this DEEP love or just flowery words? Sure sounds like it but I could be wrong. Regardless, when a very young female isn't willing to disregard her family, friends, future for a chance to be with you, then she is one smart cookie since all you really had was LIP SERVICE, and high hopes it would be happy forever.

Truth is it didn't work and you just have to muddle through your hurt and disappointment and get back to living and hopefully learned something from this experience. Don't know your history here, but I'm sure you have heard the NO Contact, heal rebuild yourself, so you can move on to the next life adventure. You dumped her, now continue to leave her alone and go about your business, and take Joy's very excellent advice.

That's what we all have to do. Break ups suck that's just REALITY, but it does get better later. Hang in there.

[Oliver2011]

You are remembering the perfect times, not all the issues that lead up to you making the decision you made. Yeah it hurts, but time and space makes it better. I applaud you for the no contact. It's difficult but it makes it easier in the long run.

Success story - I kind of have one. Worked for a major defense contractor that I loved working for. I had tons of friends there and really enjoyed my work. I got laid off and was horribly bummed by it. I got a new job and worked there for 18 months and broke my ankle. Now I played sports every day of my life and breaking the ankle wasn't part of the plan. Because I broke my ankle they moved me to a new part of the complex so I didn't have to crutch far. Because I lost my job and because I broke my ankle, I met the love of my life. We've been together almost 7 years and married 2 years tomorrow.

So yeah sucky stuff happens but through the next door may actually be the love of your life.

[joypulv]

Good story, Oliver!