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Thinkaboutit · Oct 25, 2015, 01:53 AM

I really don't understand me parents I've been doing what they ask me to do been to every appointment they have told me to go to, I've not been I trouble for a while been keeping to me self. Now me da is on me case about always being at home in me room not going out or spending time with me friends. I just don't get it its frustrating if I stay at home I get harassed about being at home if I go out I always seem to get me self in trouble then me da is angry at me. Now me da has even got me mum ringing me asking me what's wrong and telling me I need to get out more I'm so over it I really don't know what to do I really don't care but I just want them to get off be back about it. Please I just want to know what I can do to get them to just stop going on about it?

paraclete · Oct 25, 2015, 03:54 AM

Hi I'm an older person, maybe I can help, I have a relative who sounds a lot like you, in his room, head in a computer game. I have noticed that recently he has become bored with that and started meeting with his friends in a gaming place, this is considered positive because he is not hanging out in his room, he is with his friends and doing something different, as well as applying for jobs when they come up which isn't often.

I have also noticed over time that if a young person gets involved with a sporting club or a service club the people in it will help him get work, so sign up for a sporting team and try out, you might have a skill you don't know about and it may solve some of those issues with your parents because they are looking for you start relating to the world and new friends can help you see things differently and avoid that getting into trouble thing. Learn to think about what you are doing and learn to say no and mean it.

We have all been through the rebel stage some more far out than others, when I was a teen had a .22 rifle I used to carry with me when I moved in a golf bag, used it to shoot crows on the golf course, actually very stupid but those were different days. My son, when he was a teen went further than that, and I had ten years of hell. Parents worry that kids will get themselves into trouble and take the wrong path. Look we have come to understand much more these days that it takes time for a teen to get their shlt together and some take longer than others, but a job really helps to get you to be more positive and not close yourself off and so does a sport or activity outside home

Hope this helps and you are not alone, actually your dad is the best friend you will ever have if you can relate, whether you know it or not he has been there at least some of the way

J_9 · Oct 25, 2015, 06:43 AM

Parents are confusing to teens. But teens are also confusing to parents.

Considering all all of the trouble you have caused your parents, they don't know what to do with you. They give you freedom, you take it too far. They give you restrictions, you whine and complain like a spoiled brat.

After all all of the grief you have given them this past year, it's not surprising they don't know what to do with you.

Jake2008 · Oct 25, 2015, 07:17 AM

It sounds like you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. And it sounds like your parent are thinking along the same way- they want one thing of you- to get out of the house with your friends- and on the other hand- are very fearful of what may happen.

They don't trust you.

I don't know what type of appointments you are going to- perhaps a court order to counseling, or to a therapist of some sort? And you don't say what kind of trouble you refer to. You do say you haven't been " in trouble for a while". I suspect that this is, what is causing the trouble.

They don't trust you as I've said.

If your trouble involves the police, or school, and 'being in trouble' means that it wasn't just the one time, no doubt you have been a great worry to them for at least as long as you've been in trouble.

Like any relationship, where one party has hurt the other, either by deception, or lies, for example, it breaks the trust bond. Parents particularly, who are responsible to see you healthy, and happy, and not getting into trouble, find themselves doing extra worry that may seem harsh to you, but that's what happens when you screw up. They care enough to worry, and the worry only goes when you give them more reason to trust you, than not.

Try to reassure them. Be specific about where you will be, what time you'll be leaving, when you'll be home, and who you will be with. Most important, what you plan to do when you're out. Stick to the plan, every time.

When you are home, crack the books open, do your homework. Offer to vacuum the house, or do the dishes, or cook a meal. All of this will give them some confidence that you are serious about mending the relationship with them.

In other words, until they indicate otherwise, make an effort to show you are responsible, and considerate, and trustworthy.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2015, 07:28 AM

All of you may be confused at this point, and communications would be the start of clearing that confusion. Having been following all your postings though, a calm discussion without a lot of drama and emotions may be unrealistic, but I think you still have to communicate. Keep it simple and tell them you feel down and have no real friends. Then you can do yourself good by JUST listening, the other critical part of communications.

Not your strong suite thus far. At the very least you should at least interact with them in some positive way if nothing else, watch TV, or help with chores. Hiding in your room is no way to be at this time.

Thinkaboutit · Oct 25, 2015, 07:54 AM

It's complicated speaking with me da I don't know how to talk to him with out feeling like he is putting me down. I mean I don't blame him I do deserve him being mad at me. But I can't help getting defensive either so I just haven't been talking to him. They want me to get out of the house more but I just can't I don't want to I don't have any friends anymore and besides work I don't really see the point I always just seem to make the wrong choices. They should be happy I've been doing as I've been told not causing any trouble but now its just something else I'm doing wrong. I just don't understand I'm trying me hardest to make it seem like I'm not even here and that still are not happy I just don't know.

At the very least you should at least interact with them in some positive way if nothing else, watch TV, or help with chores. Hiding in your room is no way to be at this time.

I have been doing me chores around the house and babysitting me little sister when ever they ask. I just don't feel like sitting with them pretending. I feel they like it better that way too

Homegirl 50 · Oct 25, 2015, 07:55 AM

I'm sure your parents are as confused as you are. They have been through a lot with you. Are you doing counseling? Perhaps your counselor can give you tips on talking to your dad. Talk to your dad, don't argue with him. Tell him how you feel and then listen to what he has to say in response

Thinkaboutit · Oct 25, 2015, 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I'm sure your parents are as confused as you are. They have been through a lot with you. Are you doing counseling? Perhaps your counselor can give you tips on talking to your dad. Talk to your dad, don't argue with him. Tell him how you feel and then listen to what he has to say in response

Yes I'm still doing counselling, drug counselling anger management corse that many things I'm doing it makes me head spin but yes I'm still doing everything they want me to. I know I've put them through a lot and be very selfish I think about it everyday that's the reason why I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to do anything else wrong I just want to behave so they don't have to worry but they are still worried. I'm confused maybe if I just go out they would be happy I just don't know

Homegirl 50 · Oct 25, 2015, 08:41 AM

Talk to your counselor about it and ask if he/she has any suggestions on how to approach the topic. But talk to your dad. Not to talk him in to anything but tell him you don't trust yourself enough to go out yet.

Thinkaboutit · Oct 25, 2015, 09:10 AM

I will try asking counsellor for suggestions on how to talk to me da, I'm not really much of a talker at counselling. Talking doesn't really work that well for me. I don't want me da to know that I don't trust me self to not make right choices then he will be disappointed. And to be honest I don't really have the energy I'm tired I just want to have some quiet. I feel like everyone is talking at me and I just need some time out. I just want me da and mum to stop harassing me about it so ill try talking to me da I just know it probably won't end well and I really can't be bothered. Maybe it would be easier if I did just leave the house and o anywhere make them stop freaking out.

I don't even understand what the problem is anyway so what if I need time out and stay in me room what harm am I doing there really is no winning with these people I give up

Homegirl 50 · Oct 25, 2015, 11:30 AM

Are they harassing you or do you feel like they are? Maybe they are just concerned. Try telling them you are OK, you just don't feel like going out. Thank them for their concern. You don't know your dad will be disappointed if you tell him you don't trust your choices. He may ease up and know you are being honest.

Wondergirl · Oct 25, 2015, 11:33 AM

What about having a sleepover with a friend? That way, your dad can "be in control" with you in the house and nearby.

Thinkaboutit · Oct 25, 2015, 01:40 PM

I don't know if they are harassing me but to me it feels like they are I use to hear from me mum once every fortnight now she's ringing three times a week and texting every day. I don't mind it's nice to hear from her just not normal. Me da is always asking what's wrong why don't I go out do something I just don't say nothing we will just argue. I know he would be disappointed if I told him I just want to stay home so I don't make bad choices he's always telling me how making me do all this counselling and courses had better be helping me he's put in a lot of time and money to help me. So that would just make him mad. It's not like I'm in the house all the time I go to school, I work two days after school then half a day Saturday and Sunday so I'm not always at home. I lost all me friends through the stupid things I did and I broke up with me boyfriend because it just wasn't going to work out so I don't have anyone to hang out with. I just want them to leave me be for a while let me think and sort me thoughts out. I'm so over it me life is such a mess and I just want them to leave me alone for a bit so I can figure out what to do, I'm not getting in trouble I'm doing what they want so I don't understand what the problem is

Wondergirl · Oct 25, 2015, 01:46 PM

Would you be willing to join up with a church youth group and do stuff with them?

Ask your counselor about groups you can join.

Alty · Oct 25, 2015, 03:12 PM

Be honest with them. Tell them that you're confused. Also, make better choices. In the past, when you went out, you made very bad choices, and that's why they were concerned. But they also don't want you to lock yourself in a room by yourself with no social interaction at all.

As a parent of two teens I can understand their frustration and confusion. Just because they're parents, doesn't mean they have all the answers. When they give you an inch, you take a mile. But they also realize that you being alone in your room all the time, is not good.

So go out, be with friends, but make good choices when you're out. Don't do the things you did in the past. Find a balance, a good balance.

Thinkaboutit · Oct 26, 2015, 12:32 AM

So you all think I should just talk to me da and tell him I don't want to go out because I know I'll just well I don't know what will happen but I don't want to do anything else wrong. Will they stop then? I don't want to argue with me da I don't want him to get mad either so ill do what ever I have to!

paraclete · Oct 26, 2015, 05:37 AM

Hey change your focus. Start to think positive. You have a counsellor, maybe more than one, this is a friend who can give you some solutions if you open up, but I come back to what I said earleir. Sport or some activity than can help you get the tension out. You said you didn't see the point of work, right now it's a source of money and money allows you to do things and it get's your family off your back as well as getting to meet a new group of friends. Later if you have a job and work experience, it will be easier to get another job. I don't get that your mum is ringing you in your room, don't you live in the same place? Or have you shut yourself off? Rather than have her ring you, come out every so often, talk to her, and offer to give her a little help, like carrying the washing out for her. Some teens think their mum is just a servant, hope you don't act like that.

You don't want to argue with your dad, then do what he asks. Avoid blank answers, like I don't know or I don't care and if he asks where you are going, answer him straight up, That's what men do. Maybe you could tag along with him sometime so you can go out without messing up. You never know he might be doing something interesting. You got a tag thinkaboutit, that's a piece of good advice for yourself

talaniman · Oct 26, 2015, 06:23 AM

Just tell them you are scared to go out and screw up again, and want time to figure it out. Then tell them not to worry, you just want to go slow for a while. I think once you figure out they are concerned and worried it may help you to be less irritated when they act like concerned parents.

Can you not see you have made a lot of progress from the confused rebellious dopehead who was always in trouble, and always grounded, when you first came here, to the more thoughtful, more in control of your actions young lady before us now? Sure there is more to do, and as you figure it out I think you will do it.

You and your parents want the same thing really. A happy daughter who learns and grows and builds a life that she enjoys and follows good orderly direction as she manages her life. When you are restless, irritable, and discontent, find some positive ways to engage others, especially your parents.

Just think about it. All you need is a good plan of action that starts at home with the people you live with. Just be nice. How hard is that?

Thinkaboutit · Oct 26, 2015, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by paraclete

I don't get that your mum is ringing you in your room, don't you live in the same place? Or have you shut yourself off? Rather than have her ring you, come out every so often, talk to her, and offer to give her a little help, like carrying the washing out for her. Some teens think their mum is just a servant, hope you don't act like that.

Me mum and da don't live together anymore, she lives in a different state. So she just rings me to talk I miss her heaps. I would never treat her like a servant but I am surprised thinking about it that she still even talks to me after all the stuff I put her through. Seems that Im lucky any of them still put up with me.

Thinkaboutit · Oct 26, 2015, 08:46 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just tell them you are scared to go out and screw up again, and want time to figure it out. Then tell them not to worry, you just want to go slow for a while. I think once you figure out they are concerned and worried it may help you to be less irritated when they act like concerned parents.

Just think about it. All you need is a good plan of action that starts at home with the people you live with. Just be nice. How hard is that?

I never really thought about them being concerned to me it just feels confusing what they want. I thought I was trying to do the right thing, not making them more worried I don't really understand why they are worried but I get that they are. Anyway I see that if I don't talk to me da then he won't understand how I'm thinking its just daunting thinking about talking to him it never seems to end well but that's me, I always seem to feel like I need to defended me self but as I've been told before its just making excuses not taking responsibility for the things I've done. So I'll just do it tell him how I'm feeling and then listen to what he has to say. May be I do need to get out of the house more just need to find a positive way to do it where I don't put me self in the wrong kind of situations.

Thanks for the advice always seem to help me see things differently and make me see when I'm just being a brat. I can't really express how much you all have really helped me just wish I could see things the way you all do then maybe I wouldn't get me self in so much trouble