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Thinkaboutit · Sep 26, 2015, 06:58 AM

Me ex boyfriend has started texting me asking if we could start dating again, he says he really misses me and he wants to change. I told him I wasn't ready to date anyone I need to get me head straight. He got really up set about it and I feel really bad he's a nice guy done heaps for me. I was thinking about maybe telling him we can still be friends and hang out sometimes. But I'm not sure it's a good idea so I thought I'd ask. Can I still be friends with me ex without it getting weird

Jake2008 · Sep 26, 2015, 07:20 AM

It sounds like you are considering friendship with your ex, for all the wrong reasons.

For example, because he has 'done heaps' for you, you are feeling obligated. Not a great reason to attempt a friendship.

"He really misses me and wants to change"- not sure what that means, except that there were problems with this man for one reason or another, that was likely a part of breaking up in the first place. He hasn't changed from what he told you- he just wants to. No work has been done on his part. Not a great reason to attempt a friendship.

YOUR reasons are good ones. You need time, you need to get your head straightened out, you don't want a relationship right now. That includes a friendship with this man. If he wasn't a good partner, he certainly isn't friendship material.

If you need to remind yourself of why you two are no longer together (time tends to soften the reasons), get out a pen and paper and write it out. Record the bad times, the patterns in his behavior, the likely arguing, fighting, hurt feelings, lost freedom, etc. I'm pretty sure if you are honest in your relationship assessment with him, you will bolster your confidence in realizing it is best that you do not resume any relationship with him, even a friendship.

My rule of thumb is, if he wasn't good relationship material, he isn't good friendship material either.

talaniman · Sep 26, 2015, 07:58 AM

I told him I wasn't ready to date anyone I need to get me head straight.

That is honest and truthful, and you should stick to your guns on this one. Maybe someday you will be ready, for friendships, and dating with others and not just the ex.

For now leave the ex alone because you KNOW he wants more than JUST friendship, he wants you back as a girlfriend, and for now it's not happening. More important for YOU is not being distracted from getting your head on straight. Trying to hang out and just be friends with an ex is more than a distraction it's a disaster waiting to happen.

You know he doesn't want to change himself... he wants to change YOUR mind about being with him. Follow your head... not your heart. Of course he is upset his plan to get you back didn't work. He may try again, so be ready to STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

Cat1864 · Sep 26, 2015, 10:47 AM

Think, if I remember correctly one reason you broke up with him was because you realized you needed to change what you were doing before you messed up again and didn't feel right making him change. I know that was a huge simplification. However, it is still valid even though he now says he wants to change.

If the changes were exercising and getting fit, my answer would be somewhat different. Since I know this is about getting and staying clean, I do not suggest trying to be friends for awhile. Somewhere in the future, maybe, but not at this time.

The reason I say this is because I don't know how honest he is being with himself about wanting to change. Is he wanting to change because he thinks it will be best for himself or to get you back? And, honestly, it is a question he may not know the real answer to right now. I don't doubt his sincerity but if his reason for changing is to get you back, then the changes won't last.

I believe we have told you before that a person has to want to change for themselves because they think it is needed for the changes to be lasting. You have hit bottom and know you need to make changes for your own life to get better. Though there are ups and downs, you are making them.

What he did for you in the past was as much for himself as it was for you. I am sure you did things for him, too. That was good for then. Now you both need space to learn and adapt to the changes you are making. You are both young (about 16) and it would be too easy for you both to cling to each other in the name of 'support' and not build other healthy support systems. Love and companionship become twisted into a co-dependency where neither of you have lives outside the relationship. It becomes very unhealthy and damaging. It can even cause things to become worse than they have ever been before. Adults twice your ages make that mistake. Let's try to keep you from making it.

You can be friendly but you shouldn't be friends. Meaning, you don't have to ignore him or runaway if he is in the same place, but don't encourage anything more than being acquaintances.

I won't say that someday a friendship might be possible or even getting back together, but it should be after you each have new and better support systems in place and are more established in the positive changes.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 26, 2015, 10:32 PM

Most likely he just broke up with a new girl, and is horny and thought you would be a easy way to get back with a girl. (main reason ex's want back) and he would be gone again as soon as he found a new one.

He was upset, because he thought, he could beg and give a sad story and you would just come running back.

In a few years, perhaps you can be friends, when both of you just want friends.

Thinkaboutit · Sep 27, 2015, 07:28 AM

Yeah your probably all right being friends isn't the best thing to do now. It's just very hard to feel that way, I still love him I left him because I needed to take me self away from the whole situation. He never did anything wrong to me he was always supportive and understanding. I feel really bad to then turn around and not be there for him if he needs someone to talk to, I know what it's like to feel you have no one who understands. But then I kind of feel like I need to focus on me self, I really don't know I'm just feeling really guilty and confused.

talaniman · Sep 27, 2015, 08:16 AM

I think it's VERY normal to feel the way you do after ending a personal relationship, because it was best for you. It's also important to stick to your guns because exes can have false hope if you lead them on trying to be a helpful friend. You need to recognize that so your ex can accept his very emotional loss, and mourn, and heal properly from it.

Yeah it sucks to deal with those feelings but a clean break is better for you both so you both can deal with those feelings in a healthy way. After a breakup, the healing is the important thing and cutting contact is the way to achieve it. Dragging this out trying to be there for him will only hinder that healing, and complicate both your lives with emotional confusion.

Neither of you needs that in your life at this time do you? Still sucks though I know.

CravenMorhead · Sep 28, 2015, 08:09 AM

Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit

Me ex boyfriend has started texting me asking if we could start dating again, he says he really misses me and he wants to change. I told him I wasn't ready to date anyone I need to get me head straight. He got really up set about it and I feel really bad he's a nice guy done heaps for me. I was thinking about maybe telling him we can still be friends and hang out sometimes. But I'm not sure it's a good idea so I thought I'd ask. Can I still be friends with me ex without it getting weird

You become friends with him, then he'll pressure you to be more. You will give in because that is what you are doing by being friends with him again. You'll be in a relationship and it will be good for a while, before he falls back into old habits and you fall back into old habits, and you'll break up again for the same reasons. Is this what you want?

I will bet a lot of money that is what will happen. I have found, through many different relationships, that if you break up or take a break from your partner then it is symptomatic of a larger problem. If you can't deal with issues and stay together what will happen when something REALLY tests your relationship? You're screwed. Again. And you've wasted many more months just to be unhappy again.

I think you need to tell him that you need to heal more and that being friends right now isn't going to help the healing process. Then block him from all methods of contact. Cellphone, texting, Facebook, etc. You need to heal. Stop running back to him or it will never happen.

Good luck.

Thinkaboutit · Sep 29, 2015, 06:13 AM

I tried to tell him that I need to have some space to get me head straight and that we shouldn't see each other for a while. Now I don't know what to do he got all emotional crying saying he loves me so much and he can't expect than we can't be together. He really made me feel guilty telling me that he needs to see me and if I don't he's going to hurt himself. I really don't know what to do I told him that I would meet him tomorrow so he would calm down but I'm not really sure I want to I don't want him to do anything stupid. He was probably just high but I don't know. I don't know if I should talk to me da about all this he'll probably get mad or if I just go see me ex tomorrow and make sure he is OK or just ignore him.

talaniman · Sep 29, 2015, 07:33 AM

You should never give in to the emotional blackmail of an ex. He just wants to make you feel scared and guilty to get what he wants. When exes do this kind of manipulation... you walk away and tell them to leave you alone. He obviously has no respect for your feelings or wishes, so why would you even think that giving into his feelings and wishes would be a good thing for you?

You have the facts, so base your decision on what you do on them, and not your feelings of fear and guilt. Another fact you should consider, if you let him manipulate you, and your feelings, he will keep manipulating you, and your feelings.

That's why you need to stop ALL contact with him, and let him calm his own self down. Being stupid, and doing something stupid is NOT on you, it's on him. What you think he will stop his threats of stupidity because you give in to them? Think AGAIN!

Giving into him doesn't help YOU, and won't help him learn a darn thing. So it's a lousy idea to do what HE wants you to do. Who listens and does what a mixed up young drunk dope head wants them to do? Another young mixed up person?

Now you have ALL the facts you need to make a good decision for YOURSELF.

CravenMorhead · Sep 29, 2015, 07:36 AM

Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit

I tried to tell him that I need to have some space to get me head straight and that we shouldn't see each other for a while. Now I don't know what to do he got all emotional crying saying he loves me so much and he can't expect than we can't be together. He really made me feel guilty telling me that he needs to see me and if I don't he's going to hurt himself. I really don't know what to do I told him that I would meet him tomorrow so he would calm down but I'm not really sure I want to I don't want him to do anything stupid. He was probably just high but I don't know. I don't know if I should talk to me da about all this he'll probably get mad or if I just go see me ex tomorrow and make sure he is OK or just ignore him.

He is emotionally manipulating you. Read what you posted and imagine your best friend was saying that to you. Don't associate him with this, but someone completely different. I am asking you to look at this externally instead as someone involved here.

You need to cancel the meeting. You need to block him. You're going to be bombarded with him pleading and begging to get back together. You've wavered and he can see that and he is using it for all it's worth. Stop giving into this, because, as you see, it will lead to heartbreak.Just walk away.

smoothy · Sep 29, 2015, 07:50 AM

Show some maturity and stand by your decision... or assume full responsibility for whatever happens next. As was said he is manipulating you... friends don't do that to their friends. He is really just after a way to get back into bed with you until he finds someone else.

Thinkaboutit · Sep 29, 2015, 10:10 AM

Thanks for the advice makes me understand a little better. I have sent him a text saying I cannot see him tomorrow or anytime that I need to focus on a better relationship with me family and getting me own stuff together. I've blocked his number on me phone and on face book and told me da and step mum we broke up and if he comes to the house I don't want to see him. I thought about it lots its probably me fault should have just said no and stck with that instead of thinking we could have been friends. Anyway I hope he is all right.

Wondergirl · Sep 29, 2015, 10:14 AM

I'm proud of you! Good work!

Thinkaboutit · Sep 29, 2015, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm proud of you! Good work!

I know from the advice I've been given it's the right thing to do, just not feeling so good about it. I really don't want him to do anything stupid but guess I just need to stop thinking about it.

Wondergirl · Sep 29, 2015, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit

I know from the advice I've been given it's the right thing to do, just not feeling so good about it. I really don't want him to do anything stupid but guess I just need to stop thinking about it.

He won't do anything stupid. Saying he will is just his desperate way of trying to control you. Been there, have had it done to me.

***ADDED*** In 1966, the guy I had dated for almost six years wrote me a letter that he would commit suicide if I didn't go back to him. I still have that letter. He recently remarried (his first wife cheated on him) and is part of a church's ministry to the homebound. He turned 71 in April. He obviously didn't commit suicide. *cough*

Thinkaboutit · Sep 29, 2015, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He won't do anything stupid. Saying he will is just his desperate way of trying to control you. Been there, have had it done to me.

***ADDED*** In 1966, the guy I had dated for almost six years wrote me a letter that he would commit suicide if I didn't go back to him. I still have that letter. He recently remarried (his first wife cheated on him) and is part of a church's ministry to the homebound. He turned 71 in April. He obviously didn't commit suicide. *cough*

I'm glad it all worked out OK I hope the same goes for me ex. He just worries me when he's high don't want him to do something stupid. It's very hard to not care but I'm trying anyway. I really don't want to have to deal with this anymore I'm so tired and over everything in me head. Thanks for all the advice will stick to it cheers!

smoothy · Sep 29, 2015, 02:23 PM

If he gets high.. then he is stupid when he is sober too. Not JUST when he gets high.

He's a loser that's never going to go anywhere... people like that hold you back in life. Don't hang around with that kind. You are known by the company you keep. That is more true than you know at this point. Doors open and doors close based on the circle of friends you associate with. Pick the wrong crowd and many doors slam shut.