[stronggirl444]

I am married for 4 years and was in the relationship since 7 years. Since a year we are not together as he had to travel to another country for some job related purpose. I am someone who is passionate about acting, dancing and I believe that we should follow our heart and live to the fullest. Though he is not interested, he has supported me to see me happy. He is more into family, and more about having a conventional life. He wants to have a kid but I was not ready. At times we have had arguments over the fact that our priorities in life are different. Apart from this, we were happy in the relationship. I believed that he is my perfect man...

Recently, I met a man whose characteristics are very similar to that of my husband. I actually had met this guy a year ago and since then he has tried to initiate a conversation with me by messaging me in WhatsApp. But I never really responded because I hardly knew him though he is good looking. He didn't know that I was married when he initiated these conversations. But recently we started working together for a play. So we got to know each other more and we realized that there is a connect between us. We had similar tastes. I started to realize that I have a crush on him. And he has a girlfriend who was also part of the same play. And we three became friends soon. Though I have a lot of guy friends and my hubby is completely OK with it, with this guy he found that something might go wrong. He warned me to stay away from him. I and my hubby started to have fights in his name. He said anyway our priorities are different.. and I don't see a future together for us.. so let us get separated...

I shared some of these fights with that newly met guy. For a week his girlfriend was out of town.. One night we were chatting and he told me that he had a crush on me since a year... he used to stalk me and he clearly remembered what dress I wore when, what status I put in WhatsApp.. what profile pic I changed.. we opened up and shared that we have some feelings for each other. But we also realized that there is no future for us.. and then we decided that we won't take it forward, but then we continued to talk. He says he hasn't felt like this with his girlfriend.. he wished we both were single and then we could have been together.. in the meanwhile my husband had stopped talking to me... and I was in this fantasy world.. plus confusing life which made me to stop pinging my hubby..

When I told him, we should stop this or else we will have to suffer the pain in future. He said if today we are not talking to each other we are in pain... we don't know what will happen tomorrow. So why to spoil our today for tomorrow... I thought may be that's right and we continued to talk

The surprising part was whenever his girlfriend is there he would not show all that love to me... only when we both are alone he tells how much he loves me and misses me.. when his girlfriend is there he always shows her that she is the priority. But somehow I was not able to manage both my relationships. I was feeling guilty and I spoke to my hubby about this.. that I am having feelings for this guy and it was clearly showing when I was talking to my hubby. Because of the show there was no way for us to stop contacting each other. We had to meet, we had to practice together and it went on for 2 months.

Ultimately I fell for him. And then I would feel bad if he doesn't call me or if he doesn't reciprocate my same feelings. One day we had a huge fight in front of his girlfriend.. the fight was related to some xyz reason.but he shouted at me and he said f…off. I was badly hurt. I thought anyway this guy is treating me bad. In front of his girlfriend he is a different guy. There is no future for us... let me not talk to him. He pinged me, he came to meet me.. I ignored. Though it was difficult, I thought that's what I should do, but then that night he called me and cried and apologized. He said he loves me and misses me a lot and he cant stay without me. I felt so bad because I also had some feeling for him. He came to my room, and I don't know what came over.. we got physically close as well. He had hinted a lot of times about physically getting close but I was always saying no to him.

And then the next day my husband calls and he asks me, 'can we be together? I cant stay without you, we will fight your attraction, I will help you'. I was broken... I asked if he could accept me if I say I am physically close to this guy? He was completely shattered. And hurt and angry and he called this guy and blasted him, he blasted me too. But this guy never accepted to my husband that he got physically close to me.. and in fact he started shouting at me and he asked me why did you tell this to your husband... these things are between us and it should have remained between us. Then later he told that whatever feelings he had for me was all true, but he can't leave his girlfriend because she is innocent. It isn't her fault and I should not leave my husband.. Because we both can't leave them.
We decided to keep some distance. The show got over and I told him that we are not going to talk anymore. He said OK. I was missing him, but I decided to stick on to my decision. A couple of times he pinged me, called me, started sending romantic songs and told me that he knows that we should stay away, but he is not able to control his emotions and he is missing me. I agreed that I am missing him too. Again we had a big fight, he abused me. I felt bad. Next day again he came behind me saying sorry and we were supposed to go for a party. I did not go for a party. I decided to stay away from him though he pleaded multiple times.

Finally after couple of similar episodes, we both decided on not talking to each other (which we had decided a lot of times before also). And next day he called me. He said his girlfriend came to know everything and she wants to talk. I said I am sorry.. she blasted me and kept the call. After that, this guy calls me and he says... please do this favor.. don't ever talk to me... I was shocked to hear that.. when I tried to stop talking to him... he was always coming behind saying how much he misses me and loves me... when his girlfriend came to know everything, in a minute all the feelings he had for me disappeared... and then he called me again and said it is because of me that his girlfriend came to know about the whole incident... because I shared with my husband.. and husband would have shared with some one.. and that's how she came to know... so he asked me to stay away from his life.. and leave him alone

I was totally shattered. In the meanwhile my husband went through a bad state of his life.. and he started to recover.. he decided that he won't be with me... but at times he would ask me.. how I am doing.. if I had food.. etc.
I realized that in another day or two his girlfriend forgave him but hates only me. I know I was at fault.. but I wanted to clarify my side as well.. I told her to listen to my version of the story. She told me.. if I loved both of them I wouldn't have done this to them.. I was shocked... for her.. I was the woman who ruined their relationship. I said how can you say it was me, We both did wrong... it is not only me... I said if your guy loved you so much, why did this happen? She said whatever she wanted to know she heard from her guy and that's what matters.. she doesn't want to hear my version of the story

She asked what made me call late in the night again and again.. one day when I called him she was there. She asked what made me fight with him when he didn't call me for a day.. or over a weekend.. she asked what made me share my personal problems only with him. She asked if he said I love you.. I miss you... why did I reciprocate. So it was all me who trapped this guy.. and ruined their relationship.. I said your guy had a crush on me... and he told me that.. and that's where it all started.. I agreed to the mistake that when he told me about his feelings I also told him the same... I also reciprocated the same... but then I have taken a step back after the show by not coming for the party... I decided to not do the show again...
She said it is all crap. I understood that she will never listen to me.. she will only believe his version of the story.. she doesn't know that we both got physically close... and she doesn't know a lot of things that he told me... but I did not tell her anything... And she sends this chat to this guy.. he got so furious and he told me that he got to know my true color... he told that when everything is over now... I am b.. Tching about him to his girlfriend and that is so cheap... and he was like get lost... f.. Off and all that. I never abused him back

I am so hurt after the whole episode... my husband knws everything... once while he talks to me... but definitely he is a good person... he is not an option... when one guy leaves I cant go back to my hubby crying that you are the one... I could not do that.. my hubby's pings and calls slowly reduced.. I cant blame him for that. Now this guy and his girlfriend got back to each other. And she keeps on sending pictures in a common whatsapp group, where they both are hugging and all.

I feel ditched... rejected... and feel all alone... Everyday I wake up and I cry... the guy who said he loves me and his feelings for me were always true.. is not even bothered to know what is happening in my life...for him am that person who b..tched about him to his girlfriend when they had a fight. I ruined such a beautiful life that I had. It is all my fault. But I can't get this guy off my head. I have a lot of anger, hatred and all that inside me.

Was he genuine? Was it my mistake to trust him? Did I actually do wrong by talking to his girlfriend? All these thoughts are haunting me? Please help me.

[Oliver2011]

Holy crappies that was long. Is there a shorter version? Cliff notes?

Although you didn't get what you were hoping for, you got what you were asking for. That's the way these things end usually.

[joypulv]

This sounds very familiar. Either you wrote here before or you have a soul sister with the identical situation.

Please try to learn how to summarize your life. We aren't there and it's just not interesting after the first half, sorry!

We don't know if he's genuine - that's your job. I would say not. He kept her for her innocence and lack of fault, and treated you differently around her. Yet you continued.
Now your husband, equally innocent, is gone. You are alone.
Wrong to talk to his girlfriend? Right vs wrong isn't the question. It didn't help. It made everything worse, as it always does.
You have learned something for new relationships.

[tickle]

WOW didn't get through that. Can you make it shorter.

My advice is go on a long vacation, no cell phone. Possibly a cruise.

[stronggirl444]

Hi,

Yes the shorter version is that... I was in a happily married life and I happened to meet this guy. He told me that he was having a crush on me. We started talking to each other and realized that we have similar taste. We decided to not take the relation forward as we did not have any future together as he was having a girlfriend and I was married. But we could not stop the relation. He claimed that he loves me and he always misses me. But when his girlfriend came to know about the relationship he ran behind her and completely cut off from me. I was wondering where the love that he was talking about disappeared. I had tried a couple of times to stop the relationship, but he always came behind me saying he missed me. But when his girlfriend came to know about the relationship he put all the blames on me and vanished. I know it is my fault. I can't even go back to my husband. But I feel rejected. I need to get out of this.

[joypulv]

You need to realize that you have no right to feel rejected. The warning signs were all there, and you continued to believe lies. You can hate him but are just hating yourself for being a fool. We are ALL fools at times.
Write a long, long letter to your husband. Tell him how stupid and sorry you are. Don't ask for him back. Don't make excuses. Just be sorry.
Write it over and over, for days or weeks, and send a final draft to him. On paper, in the mail, not email.
Tell him that you wish you had treasured his goodness.
Then just get on with your life, sad though you are.

[DoulaLC]

You played around and you got burned. Hopefully you've learned an important lesson. When you are married, you don't turn to someone else. You saw the warnings signs that you were having feelings for this other man, yet you ignored them.

He enjoyed both you and his girlfriend... you were not a priority, and now you know that he is a cheater as well. Is that the sort of man that you want?

If you feel that you want to stay married, apologize to your husband, consider marriage counseling, or at the very least counseling for yourself. If your marriage is over, which it very well might be after all of this, stay single until you have a better understanding of yourself and how to be in an honest, mature relationship.

You reap what you sow comes to mind. Be the sort of partner that you would like to have.

[teacherjenn4]

You cheated and so did he. You should feel rejected. Apologize to your husband and spend some time alone. Think about how you feel being rejected and learn from it. Put your free time to good use: volunteer.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, I read the long version. If I understand, the one man, sounds like it used all the old lines men do, to have sex with women, he had a girlfriend, and did not really want you, expect between the sheets.

You had a great supporting husband and you were not happy with that. Not as an excuse but many couples or person wonders off and has an affair if they are away from their husband or wife for long periods. (I may have missed why you were apart so long)

But for some reason, you felt obligated to tell everyone everything. While I do believe in truthfulness, sometimes we have to first know what we want.

It sounds like you have lost both men, because you wanted both,

[talaniman]

Following your heart and giving it to the wrong person has brought this tragic drama into your life. Get real with yourself by removing yourself from this whole situation and tell your broken heart to shut the hell up as you heal, and rebuild your reality, and let the fantasy go.

Acting and plays may be your passion, but you sure got way to carried away with it, and so need some time away from your passion while doing something else while you heal in my opinion. Like a vacation from the fantasy and BS to get back to reality and do better with dealing with it.

YOU GOT PLAYED like fiddle because you ignored the boundaries of good behavior, and paid for it BIG TIME! This is the stuff of tear jerking soap operas, and you need a real life. All you have to do is work as hard on reality as you did with this fa(rce)ntasy.

[stronggirl444]

I know I did wrong to my husband. A lot of people have tried to flirt with me in the last 7 years, but I never fell for anyone. I don't know why this happened. I could have manipulated by being nice with my hubby, as he is is far and he would not know what I am doing here. I could not do that. I was not able to have the same feelings for two people at the same time. But, he was able to manage me and his girlfriend very well.

And I still have this thought haunting me where at the end of it, did I actually do wrong to him and his girlfriend, by trying to justify myself in front of his girlfriend. I am feeling bad for the fact that I am labelled as the 'mistress' here when he is also equally at fault.

[Oliver2011]

Fault at this point is pretty much irrelevant. There’s pretty much no going back now so what you need to do is concentrate on your future and learn from this.

[talaniman]

You looked like a perfect idiot trying to justify your actions to his girlfriend who was obviously blind to his behavior. Did you actually think she would see your view? He played you both and you need to see that even if she cannot.

What did you actually expect from a guy who goes behind his girlfriend's back, to give you BS lines that you fell for? YOU made MANY really bad decisions, when you should have NEVER been involved in the first place. If you cannot figure out what happened, then keep thinking about it. Stop making excuses for your own behavior, which is what YOU are responsible for... not his, or his girlfriends. He is a polished player, and you let him play you!

The girlfriend is no innocent, she is as foolish as YOU were. You don't blame a snake for biting you, you blame yourself for getting to close to it. This was an emotionally expensive lesson about the behavior of SNAKES! Please learn it and do better.

[Cat1864]

Recently, I met a man whose characteristics are very similar to that of my husband. I actually had met this guy a year ago and since then he has tried to initiate a conversation with me by messaging me in WhatsApp. But I never really responded because I hardly knew him though he is good looking. He didn't know that I was married when he initiated these conversations. But recently we started working together for a play. So we got to know each other more and we realized that there is a connect between us. We had similar tastes. I started to realize that I have a crush on him. And he has a girlfriend who was also part of the same play. And we three became friends soon. Though I have a lot of guy friends and my hubby is completely OK with it, with this guy he found that something might go wrong. He warned me to stay away from him. I and my hubby started to have fights in his name. He said anyway our priorities are different.. and I don’t see a future together for us.. so let us get separated...

This may seem harsh, but I am trying to be somewhat sympathetic.

You need to stop focusing on him and what he is or isn't called or what is happening in their relationship. Focus on how to fix your life and dig out the mess you are currently buried in.

Do not put this all on him. Stop trying to make this all about him. It isn't about him. It is about you deciding to play games. You knew he had a girlfriend at the very beginning of this. You knew you are married. It doesn't matter how much he reminded you of your husband or how bored you were or how lonely. You should never have let anything start. Not him-You.

So accept that you were the mistress of lying, cheating jerk who was as genuine as any other lying cheating jerk who probably has a long history of fooling around behind his girlfriend's back. Once you accept that, let it go. File it away as something you do not want to do again.

Since your marriage is pretty much over, look into getting a divorce.

It is time to heal. Keep your mind and body busy with work, volunteering, hobbies, friends, school, etc. Do not dwell on what happened or might have happened. Let the fantasy world go. If you do think about him, do not beat yourself up (that is keeping it fresher in your mind than it should be), change the thoughts to something else. If available, go to counseling to help you understand what happened and to learn ways to move forward so that you don't continue to carry this baggage with you into new relationships.

Someday, you will probably find a new person who you will love as much as you thought you loved these two men. Hopefully, you will not make the same mistakes again.

[Jake2008]

I didn't bother reading past half way. The story is so familiar with cheaters.

I love my my husband, but I met another man. I screwed around with the other man, and the other man screwed around on his girlfriend.

And it's all my husbands fault because we don't have similar interests etc. etc. etc.

You and the other man belong together. Birds of a feather. You have a lot in common. Best of luck.