[Billi3_]

I'm in a relationship without a title right now. We've been in this relationship for 3 years now. We've known each other or 8 years. We have a 2 year old together. Things are fine most of the time. We're going to get a place together when he comes back from his deployment. He assures me he's not interested in anyone else but sometimes I'm scared he's just leaving his options open. When ever anyone asks he just refers to me as his baby mama. Should the title really matter?

[Wondergirl]

Why marry you? He has everything he could possibly want without it -- a woman who loves him, sex, a family.

[talaniman]

I'm scared he's just leaving his options open.

You let him leave his options open would be more accurate.

Should the title really matter?

You are baby mama, and that is the title you have. Not that it matters much but again you allow him to give you that title. Level of commitment is better than a title, thought the title of wife carries more financial security, and benefits.

So don't blame it all on him, since you have been going along with the program for 3 years. What title do you want? Tell him!!

[Homegirl 50]

Have you ever told him you want to be more than a baby mama? If you never voice how you feel, nothing will change. If you want more, tell him and if he only wants you as an option, you need to walk away.

[Fr_Chuck]

There are many titles, none of them very flattering. You are merely the babies mamma and a place to have sex, unless he finds something better somewhere else.

It happens because you accept no commitment. Since you do not have a place together now. Is he paying child support? If not why?

[Billi3_]

There are many titles, none of them very flattering. You are merely the babies mamma and a place to have sex, unless he finds something better somewhere else.

It happens because you accept no commitment. Since you do not have a place together now. Is he paying child support? If not why?

He wouldn't leave our daughter stranded. I trust him. He left a spare card for us to use. He hasn't been with anyone else in the last 3 years. Can he love me without the title? Why waste so many years on our relationship. He's even okay with having another baby in the future. Why agree to get a apartment with me? Every time I bring it up he argues why should it matter if he's not messing with anyone else. I always leave it alone because even without the title he's faithful.

[Wondergirl]

Legally, you both would gain a huge amount if you married.

[DoulaLC]

If the title matters to you, then it matters. Do you want to be married to him or do you just want a more flattering title for introductions than being someone's "baby mama"?

As was said, there are benefits to being legally married. If he doesn't feel being married would make any difference, then ask him why not get married because it matters to you? If that is what you want, ask him to go along with it for you since he says it doesn't matter to him... then see what he says.

[talaniman]

Are you trying to convince us... or yourself?

[Billi3_]

Good one. Lol honestly I'm not sure. It should be easy right? Our daughter enjoys having us both around, he makes me happy, we even finish each other sentences we're so close . Why can't he just say how important I am to him? I know I should just leave him but I'm scared of losing my other half. I wish he would just wake up. Maybe I'll move like I planned. I can't stay here. Every time I say we're done we get back together. Every time he says we're done we get back together. So hard to walk away from someone who just naturally knows what you're thinking. He looks at me and kisses me like he loves me but it just isn't enough. Haha I've probably found one other story online like mine. The person had to walk away to get him to change. No way around it I guess lol.

[Cat1864]

How long has he been in the military? How much longer is he supposed to be deployed? When he gets back is he getting out or will he still be in the service? What are the plans besides moving in together if he is getting out? If he isn't getting out, where will he be stationed? Will it be subject to change in the near future?

His way of expressing himself may be different than yours. Have you asked him why he calls you "Baby Mama"? Have you listened to what he has said? Does it mean more to him than you think it does?

It sounds like the two of you have discussed the future and seem to have a plan. You seem to care a lot about him and love him. From what you have said the feeling is mutual. However, it seems there are fears that are not being addressed. Your concern over a title seems to be well known. What about his fears? Is he holding back from the type of commitment you want (or, rather, the wording) because he doesn't love you or because he is afraid of the relationship changing for the worse? What type of relationship models did he grow up with? How strong have his friend's relationships been? Does some part of him equate marriage with negative thoughts and actions?

This will sound harsh, but it is to get you thinking about what you really want, him or the way you want things to be. Are your wants set in stone? If you are set on the words you want to hear, your ideal of a commitment and are not willing to listen to (actually listen to his words and what he means without replacing them with your own) and/or compromise with him (yes, I understand you probably feel like you have already made a lot of compromises, but part of working together to build a relationship is compromise,) then back off from the romantic relationship. Set it up to where he can be a father but stop trying to be a couple. No more attempting to make the relationship the way you want it to be.

I think there are a lot of questions that the two of you need to discuss. I will also say that this may not be the best time to discuss them since he isn't with you and the distance is probably adding more stress. I see a lot of changes coming fairly soon and I think you can work through them together. Are you willing to wait a bit longer?

Understand that you can't just move away and have nothing to do with him. You have a child together and will always be parents even if you aren't in a romantic relationship.

[talaniman]

You are tied together by the child for years, so walking away is not an option, but you could lose your fear of losing him and build a life for yourself, and not settle for being just a baby mama. You don't like it obviously, nor should you settle because you ignore the big red flag of him getting angry when he doesn't want what you do. It will probably benefit you to find your own independence for a change, and not be dependent on him to be happy.

I doubt walking away to make him change will work either. You are already in a cycle of make up/break up, and nothing changes. Beware the guy who is unwilling to communicate honestly to resolve your issues so you both can be happy. Right now, HE is happy, and YOU are NOT. If a couple cannot find a way forward together, they do it apart. You can still be great parents though.

Oh and baby mama, and baby daddy IS a title, isn't it? If you don't like it, don't settle for it. That would be a start. Takes two to define what you are doing, so step up and do YOUR part! You will never be equal if you don't! How old are you both? Do YOU work? Have a career, education? What do you want YOUR future to be like in 5 years?

PS. There are guys who are afraid of divorce and losing half of everything they worked hard for. That's why they don't like titles. He is a nice guy(?) but afraid of the mutual commitment of marriage, and the RISKS that go with it. He may never marry you, or give you a better title.

You cool with that?

[CravenMorhead]

What is in a name? A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.

How old are you both?

There are two things that buzz in my mind and I apologize in any of our other most excellent experts have gone over this.

1). You want something beyond "couple" at the moment that lends itself to a little more permanence. Baby mama, as a white bred suburban middle class privileged male, means the mother of some of his children. He could have many different baby mommas around and you're just one of them. It is hurtful to you because you're in a marriage in all but name, but he seems to be holding out. There might be many different reasons for this and he'll be the only one to know why. What was his family like? Stable all american family? Blended? Single mother? A lot of what he sees and labels in a relationship can be drawn from what his family was like. There might be issues in his past where being married, or committed brings a whole slew of problems. It could also be because some of his bunk mates have talked about "army diggers" that get a solider husband, but messes around on him when he's deployed and uses him for benefits and pension et al. This is a question that only he can answer, and that you need to talk about.

The thing with the conversation is that you need to approach it from a "learning his background" perspective and understanding why he doesn't want to take it to the next level of permanency. This isn't about you, this is about him. You need to approach him in that way. It isn't a "Why won't you marry me?!? did you daddy leave your mom or something?" It is "What happened to you?" It is just a talk, with him. What you find out will do a lot to why this isn't changing. You have him committed to you and your child, that might be enough for him. Eventually he needs to know that it isn't enough for you but that is a conversation for a later time.

2). You've mentioned that both you and him have taken breaks from the relationship and that in the end you always get back together. Have you been on and off since the child was born? This is concerning because it does show a lack of stability in the relationship. Which could be a reason that he's just not sure about it all. Are you sure that he's as committed to you and your little one?

Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

Your relationship has been on and off. It is only a 3 year one and you have a 2 year old child. Why has the relationship been on and off? Has any of those issues ever been resolved? Why do you feel he is just keeping his options open?
Sounds like there have been some ongoing issues here.

[Billi3_]

You are tied together by the child for years, so walking away is not an option, but you could lose your fear of losing him and build a life for yourself, and not settle for being just a baby mama. You don't like it obviously, nor should you settle because you ignore the big red flag of him getting angry when he doesn't want what you do. It will probably benefit you to find your own independence for a change, and not be dependent on him to be happy. I doubt walking away to make him change will work either. You are already in a cycle of make up/break up, and nothing changes. Beware the guy who is unwilling to communicate honestly to resolve your issues so you both can be happy. Right now, HE is happy, and YOU are NOT. If a couple cannot find a way forward together, they do it apart. You can still be great parents though. Oh and baby mama, and baby daddy IS a title, isn't it? If you don't like it, don't settle for it. That would be a start. Takes two to define what you are doing, so step up and do YOUR part! You will never be equal if you don't! How old are you both? Do YOU work? Have a career, education? What do you want YOUR future to be like in 5 years?PS. There are guys who are afraid of divorce and losing half of everything they worked hard for. That's why they don't like titles. He is a nice guy(?) but afraid of the mutual commitment of marriage, and the RISKS that go with it. He may never marry you, or give you a better title. You cool with that?

I work full-time. He's in the military(reserves). I'm going to go back to school to be a mechanic and maybe a mechanical engineer later. The reason I wanted to move is because I have family else where that could help me with finishing school and taking care of my daughter. We'd be like two states away from here. There wouldn't be any getting back together. I don't have any friends here. I just stay here for him. In 5 years I'm hoping I'm done working for comcast. I just want to be settled down somewhere with my daughter. It's nice not having to worry about having to do everything by myself. I know he's kind of a control freak but it's always over little things. I don't want to get married. I just want him to tell me he cares every once in awhile. Lol I don't even know what type of title a baby mama is to know if it's something I want. Should I see it as something bad?

[Homegirl 50]

The term baby mama is a tacky term that means you are the mama of his baby, that's it. How old are the two of you?
I say do what you have to do for you and your daughter's future. If he cares he will do what he needs to do as a father, but make sure you are getting support for your child.

[talaniman]

I like your plan, it's sensible for your future. Why should you put those plans on hold to be a baby mama which at best is a lousy term of endearment reserved mostly for exes. Nothing wrong with being a baby mama, or having a baby daddy either, as long as you are doing your own thing, and being happy without them.

You can still be great parents can't you?

[Billi3_]

How long has he been in the military? How much longer is he supposed to be deployed? When he gets back is he getting out or will he still be in the service? What are the plans besides moving in together if he is getting out? If he isn't getting out, where will he be stationed? Will it be subject to change in the near future?

His way of expressing himself may be different than yours. Have you asked him why he calls you "Baby Mama"? Have you listened to what he has said? Does it mean more to him than you think it does?

It sounds like the two of you have discussed the future and seem to have a plan. You seem to care a lot about him and love him. From what you have said the feeling is mutual. However, it seems there are fears that are not being addressed. Your concern over a title seems to be well known. What about his fears? Is he holding back from the type of commitment you want (or, rather, the wording) because he doesn't love you or because he is afraid of the relationship changing for the worse? What type of relationship models did he grow up with? How strong have his friend's relationships been? Does some part of him equate marriage with negative thoughts and actions?

This will sound harsh, but it is to get you thinking about what you really want, him or the way you want things to be. Are your wants set in stone? If you are set on the words you want to hear, your ideal of a commitment and are not willing to listen to (actually listen to his words and what he means without replacing them with your own) and/or compromise with him (yes, I understand you probably feel like you have already made a lot of compromises, but part of working together to build a relationship is compromise,) then back off from the romantic relationship. Set it up to where he can be a father but stop trying to be a couple. No more attempting to make the relationship the way you want it to be.

I think there are a lot of questions that the two of you need to discuss. I will also say that this may not be the best time to discuss them since he isn't with you and the distance is probably adding more stress. I see a lot of changes coming fairly soon and I think you can work through them together. Are you willing to wait a bit longer?

Understand that you can't just move away and have nothing to do with him. You have a child together and will always be parents even if you aren't in a romantic relationship.

You're right. 4 months until he gets back!! Not very long. You're right maybe I should stop over thinking it and just wait until he gets back. From there I can work out everything. The moving away is for me. He can still see her but I need that. Things were really looking up before he left. I'll wait till he get backs. I won't over think it anymore. You make a lot of good points. His parents aren't happily married. So I can imagine.

[Homegirl 50]

I can understand people not wanting to marry because they have not seen good ones but why have kids. The problem is not in marriage but in the relationship.
Have a talk with him when he comes back about where the relationship is going. Don't have any more kids until you know where you stand in this relationship.

[talaniman]

Work your plan while you work on this relationship, and yourself. Challenging maybe, but that's life. At least you have a realistic plan, to go with your hopes and dream. Many do not.