[ther4peutic]

This past weekend my girlfriend was raped by a close friend that she let pass out in her double bed hotel room. The story goes - she had yelled and shoved at him to leave when he first showed up at her room and plopped down on one of the beds but he was drunk and fairly unresponsive. When he seemed to be completely passed out she gave up. After falling asleep in the other bed, she awoke to find herself (partially or fully) naked and him in the bed with her. Unfortunately, the event of her waking up and the state of her clothes/body have changed in her retelling of the story but I can understand why this part (or any part of this) would be difficult to share with your boyfriend.

Now, I've purposefully left out a lot of details pertaining to the events that led up to the incident. None of that really matters since there is nothing she could have done to "invite" or to have deserved being raped in her sleep by a friend of over ten years. Though, if I'm honest, this is something that I'm struggling with. When she first told me what happened, I was livid. I absolutely blamed her to a certain degree. I tried to restrain my anger and respond appropriately, but I ended up pressuring her for details and allowing my tone to become accusatory. It was so frustrating because she so frequently gives way too much trust to her male friends. She would say things like "but, he has a girlfriend" or "he knows that I have a boyfriend and I'm happy" as if these things would prevent a guy from making a move on her. So, while I didn't necessarily agree with her judgment, I always tried to respect it.

For now, I'm just trying to be a supportive boyfriend despite the distance. It's so hard to push down all the notions that she could/should have done more to prevent this. She talks about wishing I was there to hold her or kiss her but - it's so hard writing this - part of me is disgusted with the thought of being intimate with her in any way. It's hard redirecting my anger toward the creep that victimized her.

I'm not sure we have much of a future anymore. The distance alone was hard enough before. I don't know how we (read: I) can get past this. I don't imagine that I'll ever be OK with her hanging out with any of her male friends ever again. That just feels so possessive to say, but I'm struggling so much.

Has anyone been through this sort of thing? How can I stick around and be the support that she needs right now when I'm having so many of my own problems? How do we move on from here? I'm really not sure that I can...

[talaniman]

I can only speak for myself here, but no matter what my feelings were that were caused by this trauma, I would totally put them aside and drop whatever I was doing to be there for her support and KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, and ears open.

That is if you cared for her and not just yourself, even though I can understand the thoughts and feelings of hurt and helplessness, supporting her has to be the priority not answers you need or acting from impulses caused by YOUR feelings.

Whether you have a future or not, I doubt you will any way if you cannot control yourself enough to help her through this because for all your feelings this has caused YOU, NEVER forget she went through this first hand and deserves no additional victimization from anyone else especially YOU.

Makes no sense to make her a victim again, and that was already cruel of you. Maybe your love is in words only, as long as everything is easy and good for you. Now that its hard, if you cannot rise to this challenge and be there, then slink away to something easier.

She deserves better. Being betrayed and assaulted by a friend is bad enough, but a "BOYfriend too??

[CravenMorhead]

This is a common feeling you get after many incidents. Take a car accident. What could you have done to have prevented it. A lot of people will go back and wonder what they could have done to change something, to ensure that an event didn't happen. It is a useless experiment in mental masturbation. What has happened has, there is nothing you could have done or can do to change what has happened.

You've also ran into one of the big problems with LDRs. You are a long way away and you can't do anything within a reasonable amount of time. It is the nature of the beast. If you had been local to have done something but you were. You need to TRUST your girlfriend that she did everything in her power to prevent this. You need to TRUST your girlfriend that she's been sexually assaulted.

The harsh news here. You're being selfish. You're trying to make this about you. You're hurt by this on many different levels and, while that is expected, you have to realize that this has NOTHING to do with you. You're associated with this purely because you're her long distance boyfriend. She's the one hurting. She's the one that's been betrayed and sexually assaulted. She's the one that is emotionally violated and in need of love and support.

What do you need to do? Swallow your pride. Experience and analyse your feelings. You need to let go a bunch of your feelings because they're not justified. You need to support and love your girlfriend. She vulnerable and hurting and you're not helping by making this ALL about yourself. Stop being selfish and love her. She REALLY needs it right now.

[ther4peutic]

Craven, you did an amazing job of spitting back to me things that I already know in ways that I absolutely need to hear them. I need to TRUST her, swallow my pride, stop being selfish, experience my feelings and let them go so that I can be supportive in all the ways that she needs me right now.

When she broke the news to me Sunday, the hours after the event, I knew that I really wasn't capable of being the support she needed at that moment. I tried to wrestle my emotions and swallow my anger, outrage, utter disbelief, sadness, regret, irrational guilt... I didn't do a great job at it. It broke my heart to hear her apologize to me over what had happened. The next day (Monday) I went to work and accomplished a whole lot of nothing before breaking into tears at my desk and going home to try to piece myself together so that I could there for her. When she called me later that night, I spent a lot of time trying to impress upon her that none of this is her fault. There was nothing she could have done to deserve this. I reassured her that I would never leave her at a time like this; even though in my heart I don't know if we'll make it (down the line). Trauma has broken up many strong couples before; love really isn't enough.

The problem is that while my words are finally behind her and I'm saying all the right things for the most part (I'm not perfect, I've never done this before and there's nothing like failing at being there for someone when they really need you to make you feel worthless as a human being)... obviously my emotions are still volatile. I'm still getting so many thoughts that I would describe as intrusive. Even after I've freshly rationalized the way that I should be feeling, I'll end up revisiting yet another ridiculous, unfair seed of anger or feeling of betrayal.

Right now, the most pressing issue is the feeling that I may not be able to be able to stomach intimacy right now due to some horribly twisted sense that she is some how broken, sullied, spoiled... you have no idea how hard it is to acknowledge that. I know this is an utterly ridiculous notion and I need to vanquish that sort of thinking from my mind, but I haven't been able to yet.

So last night she began baiting me. She would throw out something along the lines of wanting to be together so that she could kiss me, hug me, lay next to me. I know she's testing me to see if I'm still comfortable with that sort of thing. The horrible almost unspeakable truth is that I'm not. She hasn't even been tested yet. Something still grosses me out about this whole thing. I'm such a jerk. So, I've been responding by saying how much I wish I was there but avoiding any direct indication that I want to be intimate with her. Is this wrong? Should I just lie about this to her for now so that she can heal? I should suck it up and lie, right??

Again Craven, thanks. That is exactly the place I'm in. That is the rational I'm constantly trying to maintain.

[CravenMorhead]

Just feel what you feel and understand why you're feeling that way. Start a journal or text document or something and write down when you get a seed of anger or whatnot that you're feeling that and why you're feeling. It is okay to feel it, but you can't punish others, or yourself, for your feelings.

The feeling of "broken/sullied/spoiled" comes because something you care about has been violated. It would be the same way if your house had been burgled. There is a sense of lack of security and a perception that it has changed. The thing with her, and this is the rationality thing again, is that nothing on her has changed. It is the same person as you know and loved before this. It is the thought and knowledge of the incident that make her seem like that. Rationally that isn't the case.

Good luck. If you can find a way to get to where she is, that would do wonders for her and you. There is an emotional disconnect with LDRs, even with technology as it is today, and that can be hampering things as well. I hope for the best for both of you.

[cdad]

Have you actually met this person or has it always been a LDR ?

[ther4peutic]

cdad - Yes. We met while we were both traveling for work. That was late June. We've been exclusive since September. We see each other like twice a month depending on vacation days, flight deals, etc