[rahqi11]

Why won't my husband let me work?
Before me and my husband were married I used to teach dance. I made a substantial amount of money. My husband is a fireman and he is the only one working. He works a lot and I can tell he's tired. I really want to help by getting back into to work but every time I ask him or bring it up he tells me that working isn't my place. He also brings up how his single worked so hard and he doesn't want me to have to but dancing isn't hard for me. I love to dance! However I don't think that's his issue. Along time ago before we were married he had problems with the way I had to interact with men while working. Although he hasn't brought that up recently I think that's what worries him. But of course he really has nothing to worry about. Any advice on what his problem might be and how I can convince him its okay? Or should I just let him have his way?

[tickle]

You probably answered your own question. He doesn't want you to work because of your interaction with other men while working. We couldn't possibly know his mind to answer your question. Have you two actually sat down and discussed this? Why not pursue another line of work?

[talaniman]

Kids?

[joypulv]

This should have been discussed BEFORE marriage!
But what's done is done. You are not his property. He has no right at all to tell you what you can or can't do. 'Interact with men????' What is he implying, that you have sex with them? Just go back to work and tell him you have done so. Tell him that you insist on being an equal contributor. That you want a savings account for the future, like having children. That a woman needs a skill, a talent, a way to make a living, just like a man does (no need to mention that too many women get dumped and divorced and end up in shelters and on welfare).
GO, and show some guts with him! A husband doesn't have the right to tell a wife she can't work.

[talaniman]

The whole "he won't let me work" is disturbing. A lot of guys are insecure though, but it seems its your decision if you need permission, or not.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree, what do you mean "he will not >>> LET>>>> you work" he is not your father, he is not your controller. You may work if you want to work, the details of that working is something you discuss and work out with him.

If this is something you enjoy doing, then you should be doing it, Marriage does not mean you stop having your friends, you do not stop working, unless you want to .

I am disturbed since it sounds like a real control issue to me.

[rahqi11]

No we don't have kids yet. Usually I do what I want. Actually I do that all the time but I think that's becoming a problem. In the past if disregarded his feelings on a lot of things but I think that is hurting our relationship. My husband is 27 and I'm 22 and I know our age difference is already a big issue so I don't want to add to it. I think he doesnt trust me because I'm so much younger than him. How can I do what I want without making him think I don't respect his wishes?

[tickle]

There isn't that much of a spread in your ages. Who got that idea. It isn't like he is 27 and your l8, or something like that. If you have been disregarding his feelings too many times, you are not equal partners which doesn't necessarily mean finances, it means to consideration and caring. He probably already thinks you disrespect his wishes if you basically do what you want anyway. Old habits die hard and you may have created a monster by not considering him.

Have you two ever actually sat down and hashed this all out. I am seriously thinking that if you don't, this may be a deal breaker between you two.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, 27 to 22 is not a big difference, it is actually very close. My wife is 15 years younger.

It sounds like there is a need, to sit down and work out things together.

[joypulv]

The way you write suggests that the two of you have NEVER talked deeply about anything regarding life together - work, children, finances, saving, on and on... then you ask again 'how do you do what you want.' You do what you want! But you talk about it. To keep him from being afraid and untrusting, you say what I said above and add assurances that you LOVE him, care about the marriage, and are HELPING the marriage. It doesn't have to be in his face defiance. The delicate balance of marriage is a daily job of learning how to communicate.

[talaniman]

How long have you been married?

[J_9]

Looking at you username, and I could be wrong, this is cultural. Is it common in your culture for married women to work or are they expected to stay home and take care of the family?

[rahqi11]

I guess Age difference seems like a big deal for me because it was a bigger issue when we were younger.we were neighbors and we grew up together and sometimes I feel like he still looks at me like I'm a little girl. We've talked about kids and buying a house and stuff like that but in my opinion everything revolves around his job. He's only 28 and he already seems burnt out. We have only been married 2 years but I started developing really deep feelings for him since I was 14. We have soooo much history it honestly feels like we've been married longer. Im African American and my husband is Italian.

[J_9]

Many Italian men prefer to be the sole breadwinners in the family. I would also guess that there may be some jealousy on his part with you as a dancer. Do you have any other employment background? One that won't bring so much attention to you?

[rahqi11]

No unfortunately I don't. I am working toward my teaching degree actually for me to be able to professionally instruct dance so at some point he's going to have to get over it. I just don't understand why he has such a problem with it. Im not preforming I'm only assisting others, I'm not removing my clothing, and I'm not dancing provocatively.

[joypulv]

Studies (in the US anyway) have shown two surprising preferences among men:
1. Their breadwinning prowess means more to them that their sexual prowess.
2. The want just as much approval from women as women do, just a different kind. They want to hear that they are extremely good at everything they DO (as opposed to women, who want to hear more about how they look), and how happy you are with their career, and their handyman skills, and driving, and basically everything.

I'll bet you can mix that in with your going back to dance. Make a point of spending 5 minutes after he gets home, saying corny things that are all positive about HIM. It should work like a charm.

If he's unhappy as a fireman, you could gently let out a single sentence about your income giving him time to train for a new skill. Firemen are on the job far too many hours because they aren't always working, so he would have to quit.

[J_9]

Do you have a past with other men that may make him jealous?

[rahqi11]

No he is the only man I have ever been with.

[J_9]

I'm sensing there is more to the story that you haven't told us. I'm not saying you are lying, but it seems strange for this to just come out of the blue, all of the sudden, for no reason at all.

[dontknownuthin]

I'm bothered by the concept of a husband or wife not "letting" the other do something. He's not your father or the police, he's your partner. I can see that he would have a right to have a preference - even a strong one if you returning to work would mean that your children would have to have a different care provider, or would miss out on activities or if he works odd hours and it would put a strain on the marriage for you to be working when he's off work. As someone else stated - should have talked about this prior to the marriage.

That said, here are some reasons that you should work at least part-time if you are able to work it out with your children and other family obligations:

First, your husband is in a very dangerous line of work. For your own future security and that of your children, if you have children, you need to be marketable as an insurance policy of sorts. If he objects to you keeping a foot in the job market so that, then you must have adequate disability and life insurance policies payable to you in the event that he should ever become disabled or die, to support you for the rest of your life.

Second, you should not make life decisions based on his lack of trust in your integrity. If you are attractive, men will look at you. He needs to get over it. As long as you aren't flirting with other men, cheating, or dressing overly provocatively, he should just be proud of you and leave you alone about what other men think. You hiding is not reasonable.

Third, we all need something for ourselves - intellectual challenge, a sense of purpose, structure to our lives. If you do not have enough of that at home, a job could be a good way to fulfill those needs in your life.

If you go back to work, don't start wheeling and dealing like "I promise I will make every single meal and the house will still be immaculate". Be real. "I want to work for myself and to help the family financially and in terms of security, in case you should ever become unable to work. I have a right to do something for myself, and to be supported in the household in doing that. So no, I may not make a particular meal if I'm working and you might have to put a load of wash in from time to time. But if I'm working part time, I will continue to do most of the housework, as that is reasonable and fair."

If you are being controlled, bullied, accused of things you don't do - you have a bigger problem in whether to work. That is all abusive behavior.