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bcackerman · Dec 5, 2014, 11:06 AM

I've been dating this awesome girl for 1.5 years now (we're 25) and things have gone really well until winter. I've gotten really into snowboarding for the few years and went to Colorado in a coed group the last two years. When I went last year she was extremely pissed because I'd be sleeping in a house with other girls (obviously in different bedrooms). The people I go with are all friends (she knows some but not all of them). Half of the girls will probably be bringing their bf's with. She's not OK with me going again this year and would break up if I went. I've introduced her to the people going on the trip (of which one wife was drunk and flirty, that didn't help my girlfriend feel any better) and ever offered to pay for her flight with my points. I am going on another trip that's all guys but really wanted to go on this trip too if possible. Would like some advice please.

tl;dr: Gf doesn't want me to go on a coed snowboarding trip and I've even offered to pay for a flight for her to come along, any advice?

tickle · Dec 5, 2014, 11:15 AM

No doubt a control issue and if you let it slide, her attitude will excelerate and this you don't want in a serious long term relationship if marriage is in the picture.

Put your foot down and go.

You have done your best in offering to take her and now she is on a pitty trip.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2014, 12:07 PM

I can only tell you to pay attention to the red flags already waving at only a month and a half. Did she say why she objects so strongly that she is willing to break up over this? Why won't she go too? I cannot even imagine giving anyone that much control after just a month and a half, not even going along with such an ultimatum EVER!

She may be cute and fun (sometimes), but obviously has deeper issues you need to know about so you can decide if she is even worth dealing with further. I would certainly be asking MANY questions.

bcackerman · Dec 5, 2014, 12:18 PM

Oh I'm sorry 1.5 years**

ScottGem · Dec 5, 2014, 12:41 PM

Have you given this girl any reason to distrust your fidelity? I can understand if this were not a group trip, but since there will be other people/couples in the house, I can't imagine what her objection is. Especially when you offered to have her come along.

This does not bode well for a long term relationship if she distrusts you so much.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2014, 12:54 PM

Thanks for the correction but after a year and a half what are her issues, as I am sure you have asked, and she has expressed them right?

Does she need more attention or what? Do you live together? Is this a distance thing? Why doesn't she want to go? Has she ever gone with you? Is there something else that she wants you to do with her instead? Is this her only issue with you?

Does she have a bad history with any of these females? There has to be an underlying cause for all this obstinance. If she was a control freak you would see this in many areas of the relationship, so do you? Or could this be a retaliation for something you stop her from doing with her friends?

Time together has little to do with threatening a breakup to gain a certain behavior and ultimatums are still a red flag for a lack of communications, and controlling behavior. Something is going on that you need to address for sure, and talking is the only way to compromise, and resolve things.

What's going on in her life that she needs you to skip this trip so badly? (Maybe someone has put a bug in her ear about this trip). Maybe you are just starting to find out things you didn't know before about her character, or personality.

bcackerman · Dec 5, 2014, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Have you given this girl any reason to distrust your fidelity? I can understand if this were not a group trip, but since there will be other people/couples in the house, I can't imagine what her objection is. Especially when you offered to have her come along.

This does not bode well for a long term relationship if she distrusts you so much.

Absolutely not, no reasons ever

Originally Posted by talaniman

Thanks for the correction but after a year and a half what are her issues, as I am sure you have asked, and she has expressed them right?

Does she need more attention or what? Do you live together? Is this a distance thing? Why doesn't she want to go? Has she ever gone with you? Is there something else that she wants you to do with her instead? Is this her only issue with you?

Does she have a bad history with any of these females? There has to be an underlying cause for all this obstinance. If she was a control freak you would see this in many areas of the relationship, so do you? Or could this be a retaliation for something you stop her from doing with her friends?

Time together has little to do with threatening a breakup to gain a certain behavior and ultimatums are still a red flag for a lack of communications, and controlling behavior. Something is going on that you need to address for sure, and talking is the only way to compromise, and resolve things.

What's going on in her life that she needs you to skip this trip so badly? (Maybe someone has put a bug in her ear about this trip). Maybe you are just starting to find out things you didn't know before about her character, or personality.

Her issues are she just thinks it's wrong to be sleeping under the same roof as other girls whether their in a relationship. We don't live together but yeah she does get a bit anxious and need attention if we haven't hung out in a few days (not too abnormal). She hasn't gone with me in the past although I offered to fly her last year.

She does have an issue with one woman I mentioned about because she's a bit flirty but that woman is also married.

ScottGem · Dec 5, 2014, 01:35 PM

Like I said, she has trust issues that SHE needs to resolve. They are not your issues. But unless she resolves them or you are willing to be under her control, then you need to seriously think about the long time possibilities of the relationship.

Sit down and discuss this with her. Tell her you feel she has no reason to distrust your being in that type of situation and if she is going to want to exercise that level of control over you, then you aren't sure that the relationship has a future.

DoulaLC · Dec 5, 2014, 02:08 PM

Do talk to her about it. Ask why she feels that you would be so easily tempted? And if she says that she trusts you, just not some of the girls who will be there, that in turn is not trusting you! Assure her that you are fully capable of providing an appropriate response should anyone get flirty with you. Ask her to share with you just what concerns her about you going.

Does she have past experience of someone betraying her? That may make it more challenging for her to be comfortable with you going. Did you happen to ever date any of the girls who are going? That too could make it more difficult for her.

If she is still adamant about you not going, then you have a choice. Go, knowing that she may break up with you over it... or stay, knowing that she doesn't fully trust you.

ScottGem · Dec 5, 2014, 02:14 PM

If she is still adamant about you not going, then you have a choice. Go, knowing that she may break up with you over it... or stay, knowing that she doesn't fully trust you.

More importantly, if you stay, you are saying to her that you will be allowing her to control your activities. While there is a certain amount of giving up that one person does for their partner, this appears to be too far.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2014, 04:10 PM

Let me ask you, do you think her request is unreasonable, or out of line and unfair? If you do then say so, and act according to your own dignity and self respect, and let her do what she has too for her own.

To be blunt, when you start letting people use ultimatums and threats to get what they want from you, then you can expect more in the future. Is this the first time she has given you an ultimatum, or threatened to leave to get what she wants?

Fr_Chuck · Dec 5, 2014, 08:15 PM

Why is she not going? If others are taking their girl or boyfriends?

But relationship is also doing things for others and being concerned about their feelings, Why is this one trip so important to ruin your relationship.

DoulaLC · Dec 5, 2014, 08:49 PM

Good point Fr_Chuck... bcackerman, another way to look at it, while you don't see a reason for her to worry, she apparently does. See if you can find out why she feels so strongly about it. Maybe you will be able to ease her concerns and she will be more comfortable with the idea.

A year and a half is a fair investment in the relationship... have there been any other times when similar concerns have been expressed? Is this common on her part, or is this an infrequent request?